I Do, Maybe: A Novella

by Jay, Libby

  “Mr. Lewis just took me to get my belly button pierced. I think it’s time to start letting me wear make-up.” I kissed Dad’s cheek. “I love you Dad.”

  I almost didn’t answer my phone the following morning when Fraser called. I was so angry at him. I felt like he’d let me down more than anyone.

  “What do you want?” I answered.

  “I’m sorry Piglet. I am so sorry.”

  “You lied to me Fraser.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry.”

  “You knew my father was dying and you didn’t tell me.” Tears came to my eyes.

  “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have found out this way.”

  “The fact that my father is dying shouldn’t have been something I found out about at all.” My voice was raised. “It’s something I should’ve been told in the very beginning.”

  “I know, I wanted to tell you…”

  “But you didn’t Fraser. You lied to me along with everyone else. You said you were my friend. You said I could trust you.”

  John came into the kitchen. He stood opposite me at the bench.

  “I’m sorry Emily,” Fraser said again. Then I heard a voice in the background. “Fraser, are you coming back to bed?”

  I groaned down the phone so he’d know I heard and hung up.

  I looked at John. “I need to get out of the house. What do you want to do?”

  “Go karts.”

  “Yes, let’s go karting. Give me ten minutes to get ready.”

  After a quick shower I pulled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. I tied my hair in two plaits and grabbed my handbag.

  “All set,” I said as I walked toward the front door. “Hopefully Greg’s here.”

  There was a knock at the door. Greg usually waited out in the car. I swung the front door open. Fraser stood at the top of the steps. I quickly closed the door again but before I could lock it, Fraser pushed it open.

  “Em, we need to talk,” he said as he followed me toward my bedroom.

  “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “Good, because I have plenty to say.”

  John spoke up. “Fraser, maybe you should give her time to settle down. She’s pretty wound up.”

  “I can handle it, John.” Fraser followed me into my room.

  “Get out of my room,” I yelled as he opened the door. “Go back to your skinny bitch girlfriend.”

  “Emily, I want to apologise.”

  “I’m not ready to forgive you Fraser. You really hurt me.”

  “So did John and your mum and your aunt.”

  “But they never promised me that they’d be honest. You promised me Fraser. You promised me you’d be honest and then you sent me to the Whitsunday’s so I’d forgive you when I found out the truth. Well Mr. Big Bucks, you can’t buy me off this time.”

  “Mr. Big Bucks? No one has ever called me that before.”

  “I’ve got a while lot of names I’d love to call you that no one ever would.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like arsehole and traitor and arsehole and liar and arsehole and bastard and arsehole and selfish and selfish arsehole and…”

  “I get it, I’m an arsehole,” he interrupted.

  “Yes. Yes you are.”

  We stood staring at each other neither of us wanting to be the first to look away.

  Fraser took a step toward me. “I’m really sorry I lied to you. I will never lie to you again.”

  “Yes you will.”

  “No. I won’t. I promise you.” He held out his little finger. “I pinkie swear.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No one pinkie swears anymore.”

  “Cross my heart and hope to die?”

  “Whatever. I’m still angry at you.”

  “I have the perfect remedy for that.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ll let you beat me at Go Karts.”

  “You’re not coming karting with us, and how did you even know we were going?”

  Fraser shrugged.

  “And you won’t beat me, I’m unbeatable on the track.”

  “Running maybe, but you may have met your match in karts.”

  “Fine, you’re on.” I started to walk past him but he grabbed onto my arm.

  “Are we all good?”

  “No,” I pulled away from him and opened my bedroom door. John was waiting at the end of the hallway. “Fraser’s coming karting with us.” I winked at John. He smiled and winked back. Operation Sabotage Fraser was on.

  We stopped in to see Dad after go karting. He was awake and as soon as he saw me, tears came to his eyes.

  “I’m sorry Em. I should’ve told you.”

  “It’s okay Dad.” I kissed his forehead. “I’m taking all my anger out on Fraser.”

  “She nearly killed me on the track. Twice,” Fraser said as he stood near the door to my father’s room.

  “She’s very competitive. I don’t know where she gets it from.” Dad took my hand. I smiled as I looked down at him. He looked sick and I wondered why I didn’t figure it out for myself.

  “I should’ve known,” I said quietly.

  “Known what, darling?”

  “That you were sick. If I wasn’t so caught up in my own world of …I should’ve known.”

  “Em…”

  “I’m sorry Dad. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.”

  I climbed onto the bed next to dad and lay down next to him. “I’m sorry.”

  He wrapped an arm around me as I rested on his shoulder. “It’s okay darling. It’s okay.”

  Mum’s voice was gently calling my name. “Emily, wake up darling.”

  I opened my eyes. I was still lying next to dad, although he was asleep now too.

  “Mum, I…” I slowly sat up. “Where are Fraser and John?”

  “I don’t know. I only just got here.”

  “Oh,” I rubbed my eyes. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I better go find them.”

  I found Fraser and Mitch sitting in the cafeteria. Fraser stood up when he saw me approaching. Greg had left to take John home.

  “You didn’t have to stay for me,” I said, guilt running through me as I thought of my earlier tirade.

  “I wanted to make sure you got home safely,” Fraser said.

  “Greg could’ve done that.”

  “Yeah, but I wanted to see you home.”

  I nodded and looked to Mitch. “Can I have a minute with Fraser?”

  “Sure,” Mitch stood up and left us alone in the cafeteria.

  I looked up at Fraser. “I’m sorry,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “I do.” I pulled away from him. I looked down. “I shouldn’t have called you those names. I should’ve been more forgiving.”

  “Em, you did forgive me.”

  I looked up at him. He was smiling at me.

  “Arrogant sod,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But you’re right, I did forgive you.” I bit my bottom lip back. “It’s just that…I’m scared Fraser. I don’t want my dad to die.”

  Fraser put his arms around me and held me tight against him. That’s when the tears started. I wrapped my arms around his middle and held him tight. “I don’t want to lose him,” I sobbed.

  We stood in the cafeteria for a long time while I cried away my fear and anger. And the whole time, Fraser held me.

  Chapter Eight

  Girls were sticking pictures to my dorm room door when I got back from my morning run.

  Fraser was onto girlfriend number three, a musician. Her name was Julianna Mason and she was a ‘sweet as pie’ type; classically beautiful in the face with a body to die for. She claimed all her assets were real but I had different ideas.

  The week prior, Fraser and Julianna had spent four days on the Whitsunday’s. Julianna wore her string bikini almost the entire time and my lockers a
nd desks and dorm door had been covered in photos of Fraser touching her golden tanned skin. I certainly didn’t have a golden tan.

  The girls ran off when they saw me coming. I removed the pictures and went straight to my laptop.

  “Good morning,” Kat said as she sipped her coffee in bed.

  “Good morning.”

  “Emailing Fraser?” she asked.

  “Yep, I am requesting that his next girlfriend be fat and ugly.”

  “Huh, not much chance of that.”

  Although technically I was still bound by the NDA, I had stopped outright denying that things between Fraser and I were strictly platonic. I think Kat had seen me cry over one too many pictures for me to be able to deny it any longer. While I had told her that I did have feelings for Fraser that went a bit beyond friendship, I hadn’t told her the full ins and outs of our relationship.

  After my shower, I sat down at my desk.

  “You coming for breakfast?” Kat asked.

  “No, I’m going to get a start on my biology.”

  Kat frowned but said okay and left.

  *****

  I was finishing off my last year of school. I had finished all my running meets; I’d finally beaten my arch nemesis and had concreted myself in The Woods’ history books as their best long distance runner.

  Now I just had one more swim meet to get through. It was a two day competition and I was to compete in eight events; the 200, 400 and 800 meter freestyle, 100 and 200 meter breaststroke, the 4x200m freestyle relay, 4x100 medley relay - I was doing the freestyle leg - and 400m individual medley.

  It was a packed schedule for me, but one of our other swimmers had injured her shoulder water skiing and I stepped up to fill her events.

  Mum and John had flown into Sydney to see me swim - Dad was too sick - and I knew Fraser was going to be in attendance also, my family and his family sitting together. However, Fraser’s girlfriend would be in attendance. He has said this would be his last “girlfriend” before we became public. She was another model, Frankie - she didn’t have a last name.

  I won all of my events the first day. With every win, I looked up to the stands where I knew my family sat. Mum and John cheered excitedly, jumping up and down, hugging each other in relief. Mrs. Lewis spent the majority of her time on the phone.

  Fraser clapped politely. But the text messages that were waiting on my phone told me how excited he really was. I’d never seen such an overuse of exclamation points.

  Day two I felt my fatigue hit. With all my freestyle events out the way, I only had my two breast stroke and the individual medley events. I drank a small bottle of water and ate a protein bar before I made my way to the pool.

  I came in second place with each of my breaststroke events. I had never felt so disappointed, but when I looked to the stands, Mum and John were still cheering. Fraser looked bored. His girlfriend must’ve really been bored because she didn’t show up for day two.

  I still had another hour before my individual medley event. I was tired. My body felt heavy. But I knew as soon as I got into the water I’d feel light again. I took a bite of a chocolate bar one of the coaches had handed out and threw the rest into the bin.

  Then I focused. I went through the swim in my head, pictured the strokes, the blue line, my turns and the win. I could do this. I wanted it, badly.

  When the starter’s gun went off, my mind emptied of every thought other than swimming. I blocked out the crowd, the movement in the lanes next to me and I gave the race every bit of strength I had.

  I felt my breathing becoming heavy and my arms began to ache. But I ignored my complaining body and continued.

  Freestyle, my pet stroke. I dug deep and gave it my all. No matter the result, I couldn’t be disappointed in myself. I was giving this race 100%.

  I felt my hand hit the wall. I quickly looked up. My eyes went straight to the scoreboard. I lifted my goggles. I couldn’t read the winners name. My vision was blurry.

  The girl in the lane next to me reached across to hug me. “That was a close one,” she said, her breath still laboured.

  I looked up to the crowd where I knew Mum was sitting, but I couldn’t see her. It was all a blur. I tried to listen to the voices, but they were all muffled.

  I noticed girls swimming past me to the outer lanes. I followed them. Girls were saying congratulations, but I wasn’t sure who they were saying it to.

  I climbed the ladder out of the pool. When my feet hit the concrete at the pools edge, they felt heavy. I tried to lift my hand to remove my cap, but my arm wouldn’t move. I felt my eyes roll back in my head and my body went limp.

  Everything was quiet when I opened my eyes again. I was warm and comfortable, in a hospital room.

  “Em, honey,” Mum said as she reached out to take my one exposed hand.

  “Mum, what happened?”

  “You collapsed after your race, you hit your head. But you’re okay, there’s no permanent damage. Just a bump.” Mum smiled. “The doctor thinks all that hair under your cap softened the blow.”

  The door to my room opened and Fraser walked in. He looked somewhat relieved to see me awake, but he was angry. “Can we have a few minutes alone?” he asked my mother.

  “She’s only just woken up, Fraser.”

  “I need to talk to her alone.”

  My mother nodded. “I’ll be right outside,” she said, giving my hand a final squeeze before she stood up and left me alone with Fraser.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked. He stood at the end of my bed.

  “Fine, my head feels a bit foggy, but I’m fine.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “The doctor says you’re underweight. He said you feinted because you’re dehydrated and your iron levels are dangerously low.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “No Emily. That’s not okay. You’re an athlete, you know the importance of a healthy diet.”

  “I do eat healthy.”

  “Yes, but how often? Kat says you’re constantly missing at meal times when you’re at school, Georgiana told me you always say you’ve already eaten when you’re home and Greg told me that you tell him you’ll eat when you get home. So I’m curious to know when it is exactly that you eat?” His voice was firm and raised.

  I closed my eyes, not able to look at him any longer. He knew, and he was going to ask me. But it didn’t mean I’d have to tell him.

  He softened his voice. “How long have you been starving yourself?”

  “I’m not hungry,” I said, just like I’d been saying for months upon months.

  “I didn’t ask you whether you were hungry, I asked you…”

  “I know what you asked me, Fraser,” I interrupted him, my own voice becoming raised.

  I sensed him move around to the side of my bed. His hand touched mine. He was quiet for a while before he spoke again.

  “Do you have any idea how it felt watching you collapse into a heap at the side of that pool?” The unevenness in his voice made me open my eyes and look up at him. He shook his head at me. “You scared me,” he said quietly. He sat down in the chair, his grip on my hand tightening.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  His eyes scanned by body under the blankets. “You’ve lost so much weight. I couldn’t believe it was you when you stood up for your first race yesterday. I thought they’d called the wrong name.”

  A tear rolled from the corner of my eye.

  “Do you remember what you gave me for my birthday this year?”

  I nodded my head.

  “Tell me.”

  “Honesty.” With all the lies and deceit that had been going on I gave Fraser a promise that I’d always be honest with him. I didn’t want to hold onto the exhaustion that came with withholding the truth.

  “You promised me you’d be honest, even when telling the truth seemed like the wrong thing to do.”

  I nodded my head.

  “So it’s time to come good on that promise. Talk to me Pigle
t. How long has this been going on?”

  My eyes filled and over flowed as I looked up at him. “From around the time you started dating your underwear model.”

  Fraser closed his eyes and drew in a breath between clenched teeth.

  “I’m never going to look like those women, Fraser.”

  “Emily, I don’t want you to look like those women. You are a hundred times more beautiful than those women. You mean more to me than any of them.”

  I shook my head. “I’ve seen the pictures Fraser. You can’t say you don’t enjoy being with them.”

  “Emily, I…”

  “You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel when I see you with these girls. You’re not my boyfriend and I know it’s just an act to you, but I can’t help but feel insecure and jealous and…I don’t want to feel those things.” I smiled through my tears. “I’d rather feel hungry than to feel those other feelings; at least I can control my hunger.”

  Fraser moved closer to me. “I don’t want you to feel any of those things.” He pressed the palm of his hand to one of my cheeks, gently wiping away the tears with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

  “It’s not your fault, Fraser. I’ve had a lot going on and I don’t know how to deal with it all.”

  He nodded. “This ends today, okay?”

  I nodded.

  “You’re coming with me; we can stay at my parent’s house. You can sit your exams from there. You’ll be near to your father and I’ll break things off with Frankie.”

  “You don’t have to do that just for me.”

  “Yes I do, I don’t want to see you hurting anymore. I want you fit and healthy.” He smiled at me. “I’ve had my fill of skinny girls. I want a girl where I can sink my fingers into her flesh without getting a splinter.”

  I laughed. “I’m not getting fat for you Fraser.”

  “I just want you healthy.” He smiled and kissed my forehead. “You’re a lot funnier when you’re healthy.” He settled back down into the chair, keeping a hold of my hand.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I said.

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “Did I win?”