I Do, Maybe: A Novella

by Jay, Libby

  “I didn’t say he is in love with you, I said I think he loves you. There’s a difference. He wants to ensure your happiness by making sure I’m cared for now I’m a widow.”

  I groaned and fell back against the bed.

  “You’re such great friends. It’s obvious you enjoy each other’s company. Why would he want to end it?”

  “Mum, he called me a business proposal.”

  “When?”

  “Tonight, in an email. He doesn’t like me Mum, he…” Tears came to my eyes. “He hasn’t even tried to kiss me.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “He keeps saying that he cares about me and…and…” I opened my eyes and looked at Mum, who smiled sympathetically at me. “He doesn’t think I’m pretty. He’s not attracted to me.”

  “Oh Em. You’re a stunning and beautiful and smart woman. He’d be crazy not to be attracted to you.”

  I wiped my eyes. “I never know what he’s thinking. I don’t know where I stand with him. If I’m nothing but a business proposal to him then I’m going to end up hurt.”

  “Because you love him.”

  I couldn’t say no. It was at that moment that I realised I did love Fraser.

  “How could I not love him? But I’m not supposed to love him. I’m supposed to give him smart good looking children and be on my way.” I sobbed at the thought of ever having to leave him.

  “Em? Honey?” She took me into her arms and held me. “You need to talk to him.”

  I shook my head. “No way. I’m not going to embarrass myself like that.” I lifted my head and looked up at her. “I’ll do what I have to do.” Mum smiled at me. “I’ll give him ten years of my life, and then I’ll start living my own.”

  “There’s no reason why the next ten years of your life can’t be some of your best, Emily.”

  I couldn’t think about it anymore. I lowered myself down next to my mum. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

  “Of course you can.” Mum switched off her bedside light and lay down next to me. She ran her fingers through my hair. “Em, I’m sorry. We really thought we were doing the right thing.”

  “You are doing the right thing, Mum. In ten years from now, we’ll be deliriously rich and single.” Mum and I both laughed. “Then we can travel the world and find ourselves equally rich and maybe not so single lovers.”

  My phone rang early Friday morning. Fraser’s name flashed on my screen.

  “Good morning,” I grumbled.

  Fraser laughed. “Yeah, it sounds like you’re having a great one.”

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s after eight. I thought you’d be up by now.”

  I rubbed one eye. “John and I saw a local band last night, a guy he knows from school plays guitar. We didn’t get home until after three.”

  “Did Greg go with you?”

  I sighed. “Yes, Greg came with us.”

  “Do you have plans this weekend?”

  “No, I thought you were coming home and…”

  “I’m going to stay in Sydney; I have to work on Monday. But I want you to come and stay with me for the weekend. We’ll fly home on Tuesday.”

  “Oh, okay. That sounds great. Are you going to be working all weekend?”

  “No. I have to work today and maybe a few hours tomorrow morning, but I can work from my apartment. There’s a plane at Melbourne airport on standby from four.”

  “Okay, I’ll be at the airport at four.”

  “Good. I’ll see you at my apartment around six.”

  I was a wound ball of stress by the time I got to Fraser’s apartment. We were going to talk and I’d have to be honest, because I’d promised I would always be. But I had nowhere to run to if things went wrong. I was stuck in Sydney with him. He had access to my apartment so I couldn’t hide. Maybe Kat would let me hide out at her house?

  I thought about going for a swim but it was only going to be fifteen minutes before Fraser arrived. Instead I helped myself to a shot of whiskey and lay down on one of Fraser’s king sized feather bean bags. I wriggled down, letting the softness consume me and looked out to the million dollar harbour views. My eyes felt heavy and as I tried to convince myself not to fall asleep, I stopped fighting it.

  “Em? Piglet? Where are you?” I heard Fraser’s voice as I slowly came out of sleep.

  “I’m over here,” I said and I stretched my arms out. Fraser appeared above me, smiling down. “That’s the second time you’ve woken me up today.”

  “It’s seven thirty, you shouldn’t be asleep.”

  “Well I only got five hours sleep last night.”

  “That’s not my fault,” he said as he fell onto the bean bag next to me, causing me to bounce up.

  “It is, because you rang me and woke me up.” I elbowed his side.

  “You shouldn’t have been out to all hours of the morning.” He elbowed me back.

  “Consider it a part of my teenage rebellion.”

  Fraser laughed and wriggled into the feathers. He put his arm around me and pulled my head onto his shoulder.

  “Sorry I’m late getting back, but you obviously weren’t worried about me.”

  “Obviously not. How was your day?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said nonchalantly.

  “That good huh?” I craned my head to look up at him.

  “I’m looking forward to relaxing this weekend.”

  “You don’t have to work?”

  He shook his head.

  “That’s good.” I relaxed my head back down.

  We lay together in silence for a few minutes before Fraser spoke up. “I was thinking, do you mind if we stay in tonight, and then tomorrow spend the day out together?”

  “That sounds good.” I knew he wanted to stay in because he wanted to talk.

  We were silent again for a few minutes before Fraser finally spoke. “The new contract. I thought it’d make you feel more secure, knowing you’d be with me for longer and in case things ended before then, you’d still have an income. Isn’t that what you want? Financial security?”

  A hefty income and a fifteen year marriage. Most people would call that a security. “Yes, but…” I looked away from him. “I’m confused as to what to do. I want to do what’s right by you and Mum but I also want to do what’s right by me. I don’t want to upset anyone but I don’t want to have any regrets either. In twenty years from now, when our arrangement comes to an end, I don’t want to look back and think that I wished I’d followed my dreams. Do you know what I mean?” He nodded his head. “I really want to be a veterinarian, Fraser. I don’t want to be some rich bloke’s bored housewife.” Fraser chuckled. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between my obligations to you and Mum and pursuing my own goals.”

  “You need time to think things through.”

  “Yeah, I need time.”

  “Take a year off.”

  I looked up at him again. He shifted so my head fell off his shoulder and onto his lower arm. He rested on his side and looked down at me. “You’ve had a pretty hectic year. Take a year off from school to do what you want. We’ll get married at the end of next year. If you still want to you can go to uni at the beginning of the following year. Or if you’re happy to, you can be this rich bloke’s bored housewife.” I smiled up at him. ”Take a year off. Give yourself time to think. And talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  I nodded my head. He smiled at me again. Then his eyes narrowed.

  I swallowed hard. “What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing.”

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  He took a deep breath in, as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “It’s just that,” his voice was whisper quiet, “I want to kiss you.”

  “Then kiss me.”

  He smiled and slowly lowered his lips to mine, keeping his gaze locked on mine. His breath brushed across my lips and a moment later I felt him press against me.

  I closed my eyes and slo
wly moved my lips against his, parting my lips slightly as he took my bottom lip between his and gently sucked it. Then he slowly pulled back.

  My body was a tingly mess of sensations. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. One side of his mouth was curled up in a smile.

  “That’s it?” I asked feigning disappointment. “I’ve waited all this time for that?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me again and lowered down to kiss me again, this time deepening the kiss. When he pulled away I looked up at him. “I’ll guess they’ll get better with time.”

  He kissed me again, this time moving over me and pressing his body against mine. The kiss went on for an age, our mouths only separating for brief moments as he pecked my lips before deepening the kiss again.

  My hands found their way from his arms to his shoulders and back, my legs wrapped around his and he settled between my legs. I was surprised at how quickly I responded and when I moved my hands to his shirt and tried to lift it up, he pulled away from me.

  “We need to stop,” he said breathlessly.

  “No we don’t,” I said equally out of breath.

  He closed his eyes and lifted himself off me. “We do.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, if we have sex, everything will change. And we need to talk about the proposal first.”

  “I thought we did talk about it?” I said, sitting up.

  “We need to finalise it, so we both know where we stand.” Fraser smiled down at me. “Have you had dinner?” he asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Let’s eat.”

  I set places at the table while Fraser heated a bowl of spaghetti bolognese in the microwave. I poured two glasses of wine and sat at the table bench.

  Fraser sat next to me and held his glass up. “To friendship,” he toasted.

  “Friendship.”

  We tapped our glasses and took a sip. I took a mouthful of food and swallowed.

  “Are we going to talk?” I asked.

  “After we’ve eaten. I’m starving.” He took another mouthful of food.

  “Fraser?”

  “Hmm,” he said with a mouthful of food.

  “I’m back within a healthy weight range.”

  He looked at me and frowned.

  “So you don’t have to worry about getting splinters,” I smiled.

  Fraser laughed. “That’s good to know, but I’m not having sex with you this weekend.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because we only just had our first kiss and we need to talk about the proposal and then we need to come to an agreement and then my lawyers have to draw it up and we need to sign it.”

  “Why does it have to be so complicated?”

  “I have to protect myself,” he shrugged, putting another forkful of pasta into his mouth.

  “Protect yourself from what?” I asked, looking at him.

  He slowly looked at me and swallowed. “From…” His eyes wondered from me.

  I put my fork down. “I’ll sign your stupid agreements, Fraser, but surely by now, you’ve realised I’m in this for reasons other than money.” I stood up from my seat. “It was my father who was interested in your money, not me. You could be a beggar on the street, and I’d still lo…” I stopped myself from saying anymore.

  Fraser’s eyes shot back to mine. “You’d still what?”

  “Nothing,” I turned to walk away but Fraser grabbed my arm and forced me to face him.

  “Tell me.”

  “No,” I pulled my arm free. “Not until you tell me.”

  He frowned and shook his head. “But…”

  He didn’t love me. I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Let’s just stick with the original agreement.” I opened my eyes and stepped back. “Ten years. Ten million dollars. I’ll honour my father’s arrangement. I’ll stay at home and give you your sons and at the end of it all I’ll take your money.”

  “Em,” he reached out to me again but I stepped back. “Please, let’s talk.”

  “I have nothing else to say.” Tears came to my eyes.

  “I do.” He took a deep breath. “You’ve been honest with me, so now it’s my turn to be honest with you. I’m not in love with you, Emily. Not yet. But I know I will fall in love with you. I just haven’t had time to yet.”

  I laughed a sob. “Maybe you should get your PA to schedule in some ‘falling in love with Emily’ time.”

  He smiled. “That’s what this weekend is about. I was hoping to be able to spend some time alone with you.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Emily. You mean a lot to me, more than I thought you ever would. I always thought that when my time came I’d follow the contract and be done with it but now I don’t feel like that. That’s why I offered the extension on the contract. Because I want you in my life. You’re my best friend. You’re my only friend.” He stepped toward me. When I didn’t step back he moved closer again. “Please don’t be mad at me. Please be patient. Give me more time.”

  We stood looking at each other. My heart shattered in my chest and my stomach in knots. I drew in a large breath.

  “Fine. But if you’re going to protect your money from me, I need to protect my heart from you. So here is my proposal. I’ll be your friend, but that’s all. You can’t kiss me again and I can’t sleep with you anymore. Not until you can tell me you love me. And you have to be honest. You can’t tell me just to get into my panties.” Fraser laughed and I smiled. “Does that sound fair?”

  Fraser nodded.

  “Good, I’m going to go for a swim and then I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted. We can talk about the contract tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” Fraser said.

  I took my bag from the couch and headed towards to door.

  “Good night Fraser.”

  “Good night Emily.”

  I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling knowing Fraser lay in bed above me. Already I was regretting my hard stance, but I knew I had to do it. Otherwise I’d end up heartbroken. It was easier to keep emotionally detached if there was no intimacy, or so I hoped.

  *****

  “Hey, Piglet, wake up.” A hand gently shook me.

  I groaned as I opened one eye. Fraser smiled down at me. “What’s wrong, what time is it?”

  “Nothing’s wrong, and it’s four o’clock.”

  “In the afternoon?”

  “No,” Fraser laughed. “In the morning.”

  “What the hell, Fraser.” I rolled over and pulled a pillow over my head.

  “Come on. Get up. I have a surprise for you.”

  I groaned.

  Fraser lifted the pillow off my head. “Come on. Get up. We have to be downstairs in half an hour.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise, come on.” I heard my wardrobe door open. “Damn, you have a lot of clothes.” He came out a few minutes later holding a handful of clothes and a jacket and beanie. “Get dressed quickly.”

  I sat up in bed. “Can you tell me where we’re going?”

  “No, it’s a surprise.” He was grinning from ear to ear and I couldn’t help but reciprocate it.

  “Fine, I’m getting up. But this better be worth it.”

  “It will be.” He left my room.

  We stood out on the street for less than a minute before a black car pulled up in front of us. The driver got out and greeted Fraser. “Mr. Lewis, my name’s Andrew. I’ll be your driver today.”

  “Hi Andrew. Call me Fraser and this is Emily.” Fraser smiled down at me.

  Andrew opened the rear passenger door for us. “Thank you Andrew,” I said as I slipped onto the back seat.

  “So, Andrew, where are we off too this morning?” I asked casually.

  “That, I believe is privileged information,” Andrew replied smiling at me in the rear view mirror.

  “You’re in on it,” I sighed.

  “I am. But rest assured Emily, Mr. Lewis has a lovely day planned for you.”

  “Well, isn’t Mr. Lewis very thou
ghtful,” I reached across and took Fraser’s hand. I wished I hadn’t because I instantly felt a warmth spread through my body. He looked down at our hands and then at me.

  “Is this okay?” I asked.

  “It’s more than okay,” he said, squeezing my hand.

  We drove for about forty minutes before Andrew stopped the car at a large meadow. Two hot air balloons lay on the ground, slowly filling with hot gas.

  My eyes widened as I looked to Fraser. “We’re going ballooning?”

  “We are.”

  I bit my lip suddenly nervous.

  “You’ll love it Piglet. Come on.”

  I stood nervously in the small basket. Other than our pilot, Fraser and I were alone. The pilot released the weights and we slowly started to leave the ground. I reached for Fraser’s hand again and held it as I watched the ground drift away.

  “Look up, Piglet,” he whispered.

  When I did, the most amazing view was before me. The sun was slowly rising over a patchwork of farmland with a river weaving its way through it. In the distance, the mountain range rose through the settling mist.

  “Wow,” I slowly exhaled.

  “It’s something else, isn’t it?”

  I looked up at Fraser and smiled. “It’s really beautiful.”

  “Yeah, it is,” he said not taking his eyes off me.

  “Thank you for this.”

  “Don’t thank me yet, the day has only just begun.”

  After our balloon ride, we enjoyed a glass of champagne before heading off again. It was just after eight in the morning and my tummy was asking to be fed. We drove a short distance to a restaurant.

  “Hungry?” Fraser asked.

  I nodded quickly.

  “Good.”

  We were led to a private dining area, with views of an immaculate garden. Within minutes, two coffees appeared at our table accompanied by a small basket of breakfast pastries and spreads. Once the waiter left the room, Fraser leaned in slightly.

  “I’m hoping we can talk about the new contract,” he said.

  Dread hit me, I’d actually forgotten about our conversation the night before. I nodded as I chewed a piece of Danish.

  “How would you feel if I proposed we don’t have a contract?”

  My eyebrows shot upwards. “Really?”