I Do, Maybe: A Novella

by Jay, Libby

  “Emily, why aren’t you wearing any shoes?”

  I stopped and looked down at my socked feet.

  Then I smiled and looked up at the female reporter. “I gave them away,” I lied with a shrug.

  More questions were asked but Fraser didn’t say anymore. We kept on walking.

  After a visit at the hospital where I was given the all clear, Mitchell drove Fraser and I back to his parent’s house, where we had arranged to meet for a casual dinner.

  All the Lewis’ were there, including the young children.

  I had been very quiet, still in shock, feeling exhaustion creep in and my headache refused to budge, even with the pain killers the hospital had given me.

  “She’s very pale,” Mrs. Lewis said.

  “She’s had a big day,” Fraser said. “Plus with what happened last night.”

  “The poor thing,” Claire said. “She must be so confused.”

  I sat on the couch and listened as they spoke about me, not too me.

  “She’s lucky they only took her shoes,” Oliver said. “The other girl was raped.

  “Does she need a drink, Fraser? She’s awfully pale.”

  “Could you imagine, they could’ve really hurt her. She was very lucky,” someone else said.

  “And she was having such a lovely day.”

  “She has a very generous spirit.”

  “You did well finding that one, she’s a real gem.”

  Then I spoke. “Why is everyone talking about me like I’m not here?” I hadn’t meant to say not out loud but I did and the room fell silent.

  “We’re worried about you, Emily. You’re very pale, can I get you a drink?” Mrs. Lewis asked.

  I shook my head. And then I continued to speak, quietly and without any feeling. “I don’t want anything. I don’t want to have a headache, I don’t want to be robbed for a pair of shoes, I don’t want to be reminded of how fortunate I am, I don’t want my mum to have a boyfriend, I don’t want to have five wardrobes in five different houses, I don’t want to help people, because people are awful. I don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t love me, I don’t want to be in love with a man who doesn’t want to have sex with me. I don’t want to be told how to live and I don’t want to be a business proposal.” I looked up around the room, everyone stood still, looking at me. Tears came to my eyes. “And I miss my aquarium,” I sobbed.

  “Oh sweetheart, you’re having a breakdown.” Mrs. Lewis came to me and put her arms around me. “Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.”

  I hugged her back. “I’m so sorry. I’m so ungrateful. I should leave.”

  “You’re not going anywhere.” She turned to Fraser. “Take Emily upstairs. She needs to sleep.”

  “She needs to swim,” Fraser said.

  “She’s not feeling well. She needs to go to bed.” Mrs. Lewis looked back at me. “You’ll feel better after a good night’s rest.” She kissed each of my cheeks. “Talk to Fraser,” she whispered to me. “It’ll do you both a world of good.”

  After a long hot shower, I pulled on a pair of pyjamas and climbed into Fraser’s bed. He quickly showered and after getting dressed he lay down next to me, facing me.

  I took a deep breath. “Your mum wants me to talk to you, but I have nothing to say.”

  “Is your headache gone?”

  “Not yet, but it’s getting better.”

  “Tomorrow we’ll buy you a new pair of shoes.”

  “I have three other pairs, I don’t really need another.”

  “You know, we all count ourselves fortunate to have you.”

  Why was he saying these random things? “What do you mean?”

  “You said you didn’t want to be reminded of how fortunate you are. But we’re fortunate. My family and I are fortunate to have you.”

  “Why are you saying this?”

  “Because you need to know how much you mean to us all, but first, we need to talk about your mum.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You have to Em. You keep everything bottled up in that beautiful little head of yours and it’s not good. You need to talk to me, otherwise I’ll send you to a psychologist every week and you can talk to them.”

  “I don’t want to go to a psychologist.”

  “I know, so talk to me. I want you to talk to me.”

  I shook my head. “She’s replaced my dad, Fraser.”

  “No one could ever replace your dad, Em, because you’ll never call another man Dad.”

  “But she’s sleeping with another man. What if she marries him? Then she will have replaced Dad. And I wouldn’t care so much but it’s only been six weeks. Six weeks. Dad is barely cold in his grave and she’s sleeping with another man.” I took a deep breath. “You know what’s worse, Dad knew about it before he died. Mum said he gave his blessing. I can’t help but think that, Dad felt he had nothing to fight for. So he just gave up and died.” A tear fell from my eye and Fraser quickly wiped it away.

  “He fought hard, those last months were a real battle. He didn’t give up. He fought to the very end.”

  I moved in closer to Fraser and reached out to take his hand.

  “It was such a shock to see her with another man. I’d never have guessed that was what she was going to say.” Fraser smiled at me. “And when the shock left all I felt was anger. And disappointment. I’m disappointed in her. She should’ve waited a while, respected my father’s memory. Is that selfish of me, that I want her to be sad, just for a little while longer?”

  “That’s not selfish.”

  “She doesn’t have to cry or anything. I just don’t want her to forget Dad.”

  “She’ll never forget him, as long as she has you. You’ll be her constant reminder that she was married to your dad. And that she loved him.”

  I nodded my head.

  Fraser frowned after a while. “What did you say after not wanting your mum to have a boyfriend?”

  “What?”

  “When you were talking…downstairs…you said…”

  “You were actually listening to me?”

  “Yeah, we all were. We were pretty shocked. You said a lot. And you spoke so calmly.”

  “Did I say we hadn’t had sex yet?”

  “Yes you did, which got me some funny looks from my brothers.”

  “Good, I’m glad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t understand why you keep saying no. I mean, we sleep together, we make out all the time, but then you just stop and cuddle me and go to sleep. You know I want to. You know how I feel about you.”

  “I know, that’s why I can’t do it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you love me and I don’t feel the same way about you.”

  “But you don’t have to love me to have sex with me.”

  “I know, but I promised you I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  “Fraser, it hurts me more to think that you don’t want me.”

  “Em,” he moaned as he moved closer to me, closing the distance. Then he kissed me. His kiss was passionate, deep and I felt a world of longing fuelling it. He pulled my body close to him, pressed himself up against me, before he rolled me onto my back and moved on top of me. “You have no idea how much I want you.” He kissed me between words. “This is going to be really slow, to give you time to tell me to stop. If you say stop, I’ll stop.”

  “I don’t want you to stop. I want you, Fraser. I love you.”

  He closed his eyes and expelled his breath. Then he kissed me again. And he didn’t stop kissing me, until we were breathless, completely

  spent and lying helpless in each other’s arms.

  It was late at night, early morning, when my empty stomach woke me. Fraser still held me; one of my legs pinned between his and his arms loosely wrapped around me.

  I tried to ignore my hunger but I was beginning to feel sick with it so I slowly tried to move away from Fraser. His arms instantly tightened around me and
he groaned. I pulled my leg free of his and tried to wriggle more, but he held me tighter again.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “I’m hungry, I’m going to make a sandwich.”

  He moaned and let go of me. I slipped out of bed and searched the floor for my clothes, but in the darkness came up with nothing. I walked toward the wardrobe slowly, still not familiar with the dimensions of Fraser’s childhood bedroom.

  Suddenly a light switched on and I stood stark naked in front of Fraser.

  “Fraser,” I said, beelining for the robe, “that’s not funny.”

  “It’s damn sexy though,” he laughed.

  I pulled a long summer dress off a hanger and slipped it on. I tried very hard to glare at him when I went back into the bedroom. But the goofy grin on his face made me smile.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked, he hadn’t eaten dinner either.

  “Yeah, I guess I am. A drink would be good too.”

  “Okay, I’ll make sandwiches. Do you want juice or milk?”

  He smiled. “Juice.”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  The kitchen of Mrs. Lewis was always heavily stocked with food, although only Mr. and Mrs. Lewis lived their full time. I pulled lettuce, cheese, tomato, ham, roast beef and smoked chicken from the fridge, and bread from the pantry and got busy making sandwiches.

  As I stood at the bench at 1:56 in the morning, I felt light. I couldn’t feel the heaviness which had engulfed me for so long. I wasn’t sure if that was the talk with Fraser or the sex, but both were good and I thought that if I kept on combining the both, I could be worry free.

  Fraser was sitting up against the pillows when I walked back in carrying a tray of food. “Wow, you are hungry.”

  I looked down at the pile of sandwiches, cut fruit and glasses of juice. “I wasn’t sure how hungry you are.”

  Fraser shrugged. “I’ll eat.”

  I put the tray of food down on the bed next to Fraser and sat next to him.

  “Come here,” he said, pulling the covers back and patting between his legs. He’d put on a pair of boxers and as I climbed over to sit, I noticed he’d also brushed his teeth.

  “That’s going to ruin your apple juice,” I said, leaning in to kiss him.

  “Sour apple juice never hurt.” He held the back of my head and kissed me, holding me to him. My lips curled up with his gentleness and he slowly pulled away.

  “Are you okay?” he asked me.

  “Of course I am.” I turned around and sat between his legs resting my back against his chest. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d have some regrets.”

  “What?” I craned my neck to look at him. “I don’t have a single regret.” Then I smiled at him, “You weren’t that bad, I mean, I’m sure you’ll get better, right?”

  His fingers found my ribs and he tickled me until I was breathless. “I’m just glad I wasn’t your first,” I panted, “that must’ve sucked for her.”

  He tickled me again, until I was lying down, my sundress up around my thighs and my head resting on his leg. His fingers moved away from my ribs and he held my face in his hands. “I love it when you laugh,” he smiled. Then he pulled me back up to his chest. “Now eat, before I’m forced to make you endure another round of my poor love making skills.”

  ‘Love making,’ I thought. I didn’t think he loved me. But maybe he was just saying that because he didn’t want to use any crass words.

  He handed me a sandwich. “Thank you.” I took a bite of the sandwich and slowly chewed it. After I’d swallowed it down, I asked a question, really without giving it much thought. “Who was your first?”

  “My first?” Fraser asked.

  “Yeah, who did you lose your virginity to?”

  “That’s kinda personal.”

  “You know who I lost mine to.”

  “That’s because it was to me, only a few hours ago. At least I hope it was.”

  I twisted in his embrace to look at him. “Do you honestly believe that performance I gave was one of an experienced woman?”

  Fraser smiled before he kissed my cheek. “You were perfect.”

  I rolled my eyes and looked ahead again. “Who was it? Was it Amelia?”

  “No, it wasn’t Amelia. Amelia and I never had sex.”

  “What?”

  “Our relationship was purely business. I never had sex with her.”

  “But that night…in the elevator?”

  “That was all for show. She had no idea who you were. She was acting.”

  “Well, she was very convincing.” I took another bite of my sandwich. “So who was it then?”

  “Do you really want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  Fraser sighed. “Fine. Her name was Bertha. And I’m not even going to attempt to pronounce her surname.”

  “Bertha?”

  “Yep.”

  “How old were you?”

  He sighed again. “Seventeen.”

  “How did you know Bertha surname-unpronounceable?”

  “Our fathers are in business together. We were on a holiday. Remember when I went to Tahiti?”

  “Yes,” I answered. Fraser had sent me a little Tahitian dancer doll.

  “One night, we were at her bungalow and we got piss drunk. We both admitted we were virgins and she said that she didn’t want to go to uni still being a virgin.”

  “So you had sex?”

  “Not that night. Two days later. Our mums were at the spa and our fathers were diving. It was her idea. I didn’t see the harm in it.”

  “Was she pretty?”

  “No. Definitely not.”

  I laughed at his instant honest answer.

  “She was tall and…chunky. Not fat but chunky, really solid. Massive boobs.”

  I laughed again. “Was it good?”

  “No. She made it a rule that we weren’t allowed to kiss. And we weren’t allowed to look at each other. It was awkward and clumsy and…bad. It was bad.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. “So count yourself lucky that your first time was better than mine.”

  We finished all the sandwiches and fruit and washed it down with our drinks.

  “Are you tired?” Fraser asked.

  “No,” I said, moving my head back and forth against his chest.

  “Good, I want to talk some more.”

  “About what?”

  “Some of the things you mentioned earlier.”

  “Fraser, I didn’t mean any of that stuff, I was just rambling.”

  “Maybe so, but there is an element of truth to every ramble.” He kissed my shoulder. “Tell me, is it true that you don’t want to marry me?”

  “I want to marry you, Fraser. But I’m worried that you don’t want to marry me.”

  “I do want to marry you,” he kissed my neck again. “And one day very soon, I’m going to ask you to.”

  “I know, but is that because our fathers signed a contract five years ago, or is it because you want to marry me?”

  Fraser didn’t answer straight away. But when he did it was a quiet whisper, “I want to marry you.”

  “But you don’t love me.”

  “I don’t know what this feeling is. You’re my best friend and I care about you. And whatever this feeling is it gets stronger every day. The thought of not having you in my life scares me. I don’t think I love you, but I sure as hell don’t want you to be in love with anyone other than me.”

  I turned around and looked at him. “I don’t think you’ll ever need to worry about that.” I leaned in to kiss him, slowly moving my body closer to his and finally wrapping my legs around his middle. He placed his hands flat against the small of my back and pulled me in closer to him.

  “I’m trying, Emily. I promise you I’m trying,” he whispered as his kisses left my mouth and travelled down my neck.

  “I know, it’s okay.” I moved my head to the side.

  He s
lowly lowered me back onto the bed. “I’ll keep my promise to you, Piglet. I won’t break your heart.”

  And I had no reason to believe he would.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was two days before New Year’s Eve and Fraser still hadn’t asked me to go to the gala. I was living with him at his town house and I’d not even heard him mention it.

  I still hadn’t spoken to Mum. I’d texted her to let her know I was okay and that I was still trying to get my head around her news but I still needed time. And I made it very clear that when I did see her it would be her alone; I had no interest in forming any relationship with Terry.

  John rang me every day. We talked, but I hadn’t seen him since the day we were photographed together, which he got teased about to no end by his friends.

  Kat was in Melbourne for the Gala. We were meeting up for lunch and to go dress shopping. Apparently she needed a new dress as the 17 dresses she already had weren’t “right” for the Lewis Gala. She had made an appointment at an exclusive dress shop at 2 P.M. and we were not to be late.

  Fraser didn’t ask too much about Kat’s visit, he told me to enjoy my day out with her, to make sure Greg was always near me and got back to working.

  “I can’t believe he hasn’t asked you,” Kat said as she tried on her fourth dress.

  “It’s okay, he’s probably not ready to announce to everyone that we’re a couple.”

  Kat stepped out from the change room, and turned for the saleswomen to zip up the dress. “You’ve been photographed making out all over Sydney and Melbourne. Surely anyone who cares to already knows.”

  I shrugged. It was tearing me up inside that he hadn’t asked me, but I wasn’t going to let anyone know that.

  “What do you think?” Kat asked as she turned to face me.

  The dress was stunning, as were the three previous. “I think we have a winner,” I said smiling.

  “I think I need to try on one more. I’ll try on the dark purple one.” She disappeared into the change room again. “You know, even if he does ask you to go, you can’t.”

  “Why not?” I asked as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked tired.

  “Because you can’t accept a date if offered within two days of the date night. It makes you look desperate and lonely.”