by Hart, Alana
“And the police, the college, did they never do anything back then?”
This is it. I have to tell him. My heart is pounding. I don’t want to say anything but I owe him the truth.
“I was dating Brad. I thought he was okay. I thought he liked me. The other guy was his friend. We were at a party. I had a few drinks. I went to Brad’s room.”
Luke winces. I know I’m hurting him telling him that, but I have to go on, though I can’t look at him. I can’t bear to see his reaction.
“I don’t know why I went there with him. The party was crowded. There was hardly room to breathe. It was quieter in there. We were just kissing. His friend came in. He was drunk.” I can hardly go on. My tears are falling, and Luke takes hold of my hand, and I find the strength to continue.
“I tried to leave then but they held me down, and they…they... It was their word against mine. My roommate said there was no point reporting it. No one would believe me.” I can't stop the tears. I want to be strong, to tell Luke to leave if he wants, but I can't. I need him there.
“I believe you,” he says, stroking my hair, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “I see what it did to you. I believe you.”
It means a lot to me to hear him say that, but I know he’s still going to run for the hills. Who wants a girl who is so broken, so damaged, made useless by something like that?
CHAPTER 47
LUKE
I wish I'd killed that mother fucker when I had the chance. I wish I'd torn him limb from limb. So help me, if I ever get my hands on him or his friend, I won't be able to stop myself. I want to rage and kick out, but hell, the last thing Madison needs right now is a display of male adrenaline-fueled aggression. But I'll fucking get them for this in the end.
And why was she even with that sonofabitch? She thought I’d left her. I know that. Even though I’ve been with other women over the past few years, it still kills me to know she was dating that piece of shit.
But I can’t think about the past now. Not if I still want Madison. And I do. I want to see her smiling again. I can’t help that. Me and my protective instinct coming out again. I’ve still got it bad. She’s mine now. That’s what counts. I can’t think about when we split.
But fuck, I’m going to have to be so careful. Anything I say, anything I do, might remind her of those evil bastards. I hate that I have to hold back because of them, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll go as slowly as she needs me to go. Whatever it takes to make her feel safe.
But when I get my hands on them, they’ll wish they’d never been born.
***
I don’t know what else to say so I just hold Madison until she’s a bit calmer and then I dry her tears on the hem of the shirt I threw on. I take her hand, and we start walking along the beach.
“Did you ever get any help, you know, someone to talk to?” I ask.
“No, I didn't tell anyone. Just my roommate and a doctor. The doctor said I should see a therapist, but I didn't go. I couldn't talk about it.”
“You have to see...would you like to see someone now?”
“I should. I know I should. It's just been difficult with Mom and everything. I never told her. She would have just blamed me. She already had a lot to say about me dropping out of college.”
“I bet she did.” I want to strangle that woman. “But Madison, I want you to have the best, to see the best therapist there is if that’s what you want. Are you worried about the cost, because if you are, don't worry, I'll pay. Is there someone you'd like to see?”
“Michelle recommended someone. But I can't let you pay. It's not your problem. You didn't cause it.”
“It's our problem now,” I say. “I want to help. It's my fault I wasn't there for you.”
“You couldn't be there. It wasn't your fault.”
“Whatever. I want to help and I can afford the best. Wherever they are. My driver will get you there and back.”
“No. I'll have to see someone in Greenwich because...well, because I won't be able to get in the car with him.”
“Oh hell, I'm sorry. “I didn't think of that. Paul is one of life's good guys. I'm sure about that, but we'll think of something else.”
“They all seem like good guys...until they're not.”
“Do you think that about me?”
“No, but that's just because I got to know you before...it happened.”
And her eyes fill with tears again. We stop, and I hold her again. I want to comfort her, but I don't know how. I feel so fucking powerless.
I dry her eyes again and we walk on, both deep in thought. She smiles weakly up at me, and I put my arm around her.
“Is that okay? My arm?” I ask.
“Yes. You don't have to ask me everything. I'll let you know if I want you to stop.”
“Do you remember we had a safe word?” Fuck! Why did I say that? Reminding her I spanked her and how rough I used to be is not the smartest idea I've had today. Why don't I just trigger a whole load of bad memories while I'm at it?
But she smiles. “Yes, it was Murgatroyd. I never forgot it.”
“Just say Murgatroyd then if you feel uncomfortable. I'll always stop. You know that.”
“I know. I trust you, but Luke, you don't have to put up with this. I'll understand if you want nothing more to do with me. You deserve someone who doesn't have all this crap going on.”
“There's no way I'm leaving you to deal with this on your own.” I hold her tighter. “You think I'd just walk out on you because of that?”
“I'd understand if you did.”
“Well, no fucking way. You're stuck with me.”
She cries again and clings to me. It breaks my heart to see her so upset.
“I'm sorry, Luke. Forgive me if I act weird. I can't help it. It's not you. I just have to work through it.”
“Nothing to forgive,” I say, drying her tears again.
I pull her to me and kiss her hair, her nose, and she lifts her face to me, and I gently kiss her mouth, but the tears don't stop. I hold her hand and we walk on.
We've come to the beach cafe.
My stomach betrays me and rumbles.
She laughs through her tears.
“I think you need some breakfast. Shall we stop here? I'm really not up to meeting your family today, but soon. If you still want me when you've had a chance to think about it, now you know how damaged I am, we'll visit them soon, I promise.”
“I will always want you,” I say, and I mean it. I will always want Madison. I hold her and eventually she's calmer and she stops crying.
“Your shirt—I made it all wet.”
“It'll dry.” Fuck the shirt. “You okay?”
“Yes, I think so. Let's get you some breakfast.” She takes my hand.
CHAPTER 48
MADISON
I go back to the gallery the next day, and I tell Michelle what happened. No more secrets. I am done with keeping everything locked up inside. Michelle is relieved Brad didn't hurt me.
“A detective came around and took a statement. I told him about running into Brad at that sale. What's going to happen to him?”
“I don't know. I don't suppose they can pin much on him. He threw a brick through the window. They might charge him for that. And for being high on drugs. But he’ll have good lawyers. They’ll probably get him off with something minor. They’ll never get him or his friend for what he did to me at college. That's too long ago, and there's no evidence. They can’t even get him for the assault on Luke. Technically Luke jumped on him. He could just say it was self-defense, especially as he came off worse. I was more worried Luke would be charged. But I think they believed us.”
“You're not worried Brad will show up at the gallery or at your house again?”
“I was, but Luke is organizing a bodyguard.”
“A bodyguard?”
“I know. He called someone this morning and apparently a woman called Denise will be watching over me everywhere I go
.”
“A female bodyguard! He really gets how it is for you, doesn't he?”
“I think so. But we've still got a lot to work through.”
“Are you going to see that therapist?”
“I've already booked a session this week.” I smile.
“I think I'm going to see her again too. It's time I got on with my life. I can't avoid men forever. That art dealer, the Canadian one. He invited me out. I said yes.”
“I'm glad.” I give her a hug.
CHAPTER 49
LUKE
“I like the therapist,” Madison says one day, a month or so after the night at the beach house. “I'm pleased Michelle recommended her.”
“I like how you seem happier these days.”
“That's you, not just the therapist.”
I kiss her on the nose. She's getting stronger and it's not just me, but I like her saying I make her happier. Despite everything, I know I'm happier too than I was before Madison came back into my life. I still love the deals, the chase, but there’s fuck all use in any level of success, any amount of money, if that's all there is in your life. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was in making money before Madison came back into the picture.
“And getting away from your mother. That helped.”
“That too.”
Michelle found a bigger place, and she offered Madison the apartment above the gallery. I wanted to buy Madison a house, but she wouldn't hear of it. And the gallery apartment is perfect for her. It's got a spare room where she can paint and it's calm and peaceful. I think she needs that. But I'm still going to get her a mansion one of these days and hang her pictures on all the walls.
“It would be better if you didn’t keep visiting your mother. I don't like how she talks to you.” That woman is poison.
“You don't have to go with me. I know you hate it.”
“She hates it too. I go because she hates me. She hates that I succeeded.”
“You're like a big kid. Maybe you should get therapy too. I'm going to see her on Sunday. I want to go on my own.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? I'm twenty-three years old. I can do what I like.”
“You can, but not when it comes to your mother. I know she'll get her claws into you if I'm not there.”
“Maybe she's worse because you're there.”
“You think so?”
She thinks for a moment. “No, she was always just as bad.”
“So I'm going.”
“Whatever you like.” She doesn't seem that happy about it though.
“You don't like me protecting you?”
“Sometimes it's a bit much. I feel safer with a bodyguard when I know those guys are out there. I like Denise. But I hate it when you keep threatening revenge.”
I know she's referring to the way I want to tear Brad and his friend apart. Sometimes my rage just slips out even though I know it upsets her.
“I can't help wanting to get my hands on them.”
“I don't want to spend my life worrying about what will happen if you get ahold of them, and knowing you, you will. They could have a gun, a knife, anything. They might kill you. Or you kill them and you'd end up in prison. Promise me not to go anywhere near them and you can come with me to see my mother.”
“Okay, if that's what you want.”
“That's what I want.”
***
But whatever I promise Madison, I'm going to make sure there's a payback for what they did. A big glorious fucking payback. They won't feel it with my foot in their ribs. I won't go back on what I said. But I’ll have someone closely watching every move they make, every investment, every job, every finger in every pie. And I'll bide my time and take them down. Take every last cent. They won't know what hit them. Madison won't even have to know.
CHAPTER 50
MADISON
I'm getting better. I know I am. I love being with Luke but it's not how it used to be. He treats me like I'm some porcelain figurine he could easily break. I want the rough Luke back. The one who dominates me and tells me what to do. I don't know if I will ever find him again, and worse, I don't know how I will react if I do. And whether that will break us.
But somehow I know if I don't try, things will never be the same again. I'll always feel powerless. I'll always be aware they took something from me and from Luke and that they got away scot free.
CHAPTER 51
LUKE
Madison has invited me over tonight.
“I made your favorite for dessert,” she says, as soon as I arrive and kiss her gently on the lips.
I'm puzzled. I don't think I've ever mentioned any dessert in particular.
“Chocolate ice cream with sprinkles,” she explains.
“Oh.” I remember that first day on the beach. “Chocolate ice cream with sprinkles is my favorite. But only with you.”
“I thought we might have dessert in bed.” She has that look on her face.
I love that look. It used to mean she wants me, and she wants me now. No waiting. And glory hallelujah, it's back.
“Maybe we should eat dessert before dinner,” I say.
“My thoughts exactly.”
“It could get messy.”
“I hope so.” She laughs and pulls me into the bedroom. “I think you should undress me. Take everything off so I don't get my clothes covered in chocolate.”
I look at her. I haven't tried to take off her panties since she froze on me at the beach house. I didn't want to set her back. But I play along. “Your wish is my command.”
We sit on the bed, and I start gently undoing buttons, loosening clasps, planting soft kisses on her skin and caressing her as I go until she's all breathy, her face flushed. Finally, we're down to her panties.
“Take them off,” she says, her breath hitching, “please.”
I hook my fingers into the elastic and pull them down. She steps out of them, and she's bare for me. Bare and oh so tantalizingly wet.
Fuck ice cream. I want to taste her just as she is, so I lay her down on the bed and bend my head and do just that.
“That's cheating,” she says. “I'm not dessert.” But she's laughing.
“So where's that ice cream you promised me?” I ask. “I'm going to eat it right here...and here...” I lick and suck each nipple and she giggles. “And then I'm going to put a huge dollop here and suck it right up.” My fingers tease her until she squirms and clenches my fingers with her thighs.
“I think you'd better get it from the freezer. There's a big window in the kitchen, and I appear to be naked.”
“So you do, but what will my reward be for doing your bidding?”
“Me,” she says.
“Good enough.” I laugh.
I bring a bowl full of ice cream and another one of sprinkles.
“You're supposed to put the sprinkles on top,” she says.
“Oh, I'm going to.” I tear off my clothes and lie beside her on the bed.
“First you get a big spoonful of ice cream like this.” I scoop up a large chunk. “And then you drop it just where you want to eat it.”
I shake the spoon over her nipple, but that stuff is stuck to the spoon, it's not going anywhere.
“You should have bought the soft scoop kind,” I say and we both laugh.
“Never fear, all is not lost.” I push the chocolate ice cream off the spoon and it lands on her breast. And she gasps. I run the back of the cold spoon over her, so the chocolate covering is spread a bit as the warmth of her body softens it, and her nipple is rigid poking through. “And now the sprinkles.” I grab a spoonful of the things and decorate the ice cream and her nipple, sticky with the concoction. Then I decorate her other side.
“Now you're good enough to eat.” I lick the dessert from her with long, slow swipes of my tongue.
She's writhing under me by the time I finish.
“My turn.” She takes the spoon from me, loads it with ice cream, and eats it.
Oh, that's her game!
She takes me in her mouth. I groan at the sensation, as first, the cold of the ice cream and then, the heat of her mouth takes over.
I have to stop her before it gets too much.
“I know where the ice cream is going next,” I say.
It has softened a little by now and I drop little mounds of it in a line along her stomach and down to her slit where she yelps as the cold dessert hits its mark. Every little pile of ice cream starts to melt and run and I start at her belly button, licking up every morsel everywhere it has run down over her smooth, soft skin, taking my time before I get to where I really want to go.
“Mmmh.” I let the vibration of my lips take its effect before I start lapping at the ice cream there.
“Don't stop,” she says, “Don't stop.” And I don't, not until I lick up every drop of ice cream, and she comes against my face and she's laughing. So carefree. I love that. I love her.
CHAPTER 52
MADISON
I'm not sure the sheets will ever recover from our playtime with that ice cream. But really, I don’t care. After he makes me come over and over until I don't know where we are, after we make love every which way we can, scooping up more of the chocolate until it's all gone and we are covered in the stuff, I don't care about anything. I'll get new sheets. We are playing again like kids, just as carefree as we were back then, and it feels so good.
We take a shower together, squashed together in my tiny little cubicle, and it's good to be pressed up close, to feel the hot water coursing down on our bodies, sticky with chocolate.
When he says, “I love you,” I don't know if I'm hearing right under the noise of the spray, but he says it again in my ear so he knows I can hear him.