Dan looks as me questioningly, and I know what’s coming. My shoulders stiffen as I wait.
“Seb, I think it’s time you go home; Lorelei is doing great, and you’ve been away long enough.” He straightens as he continues, “I know this has been hard, but those girls need you. I understand that now.”
I scrub my palms over my face. “I don’t think I can … not now.”
“What? Why the hell not?”
“Because I’ve done exactly what that dickhead did to her. I just fucking left.” I slump down in my chair and run a hand through my hair. Nothing I say will ever excuse what I did. I didn’t even talk to her. I promised her I would never leave her, yet here I am. After I did exactly that.
“You can. She loves you. You both just need to work it out with each other, and the only way to do that is to go home.” He reaches over and pats me on the back. “You can’t tell me you’re gonna keep hanging around here. You know what you need to do.”
I scoff at his choice of words. Of course, I already know exactly what I need to do. It’s been eating away at me for the past week. I’m just scared shitless of what might happen when I actually do it.
A classic fucking case of knowing and doing being two completely different things.
“Seriously, think about Rose. You’re the first father she ever knew, and you’ve just up and left her? You’re letting her sperm donor just swoop in while you’re absent? Fuck that. I know what I’d be doing.”
I barely hold in a growl thanks to his choice of words.
Damn it. I know he’s right. And the thought of Zeke doing exactly that makes my heart slam with brute force in my chest. Even if what he says is true, I’ve had all the same thoughts and arguments with myself countless times already.
So what the hell am I still doing here?
Fuck it. “Yeah, excuse me for a sec. I’m gonna make a phone call.”
I rise from my chair and start walking to the waiting room. I pull my phone from my pocket and press the home button, the lock screen reminding me of the pieces of my heart that I left behind as their beautiful faces light it up.
It’s getting late, but I dial the number I need and wait to hear a voice on the other end.
“Stephens,” he answers.
“Hey, it’s Mathews. I’ll be back tomorrow. Can you roster me on?” I hear laughter on his end of the line. “Well, nice to know you’re alive. I’ll figure out the roster and email it through in the morning.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as I promptly end the call.
Walking back, I stop to buy a small teddy from the gift shop for Lorelei. It’s pretty scraggly looking, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Entering the room, I find Sienna and Dan on the couch and a bundled up Lorelei in Dan’s arms. I scrub the shit out of my hands then, placing the teddy down beside them, I hold my arms out for Lorelei. Dan passes her over to me, and I look down into her eyes that are wide open. He’s right; she looks so much like Sienna without the tubes on her face. Staring into her dark eyes has me thinking of the contrast to Rose’s lighter ones.
“She’s beautiful,” I say under my breath, unaware that anyone is listening. I carefully stroke her small cheek and whisper, “I’m gonna have to go now, princess, but I’ll see you soon.” I raise my head and look at Sienna and Dan.
“Thanks for being here for us, Seb. We appreciate it more than you know,” Sienna says as she holds her arms out to me for Lorelei.
“Don’t mention it; there’s no way I would’ve missed it. You guys know that. But it is probably time I finally head home. It’s a long trip, and I need to get back to work.”
Dan gives me a shit-eating grin. “Thank God for that. ‘Bout damn time, bro. You gotta go back to Mom and Dad’s first?”
“Nah, I’ve kinda been packing my bag every morning and putting it in my truck, you know, just in case.” I rub my neck. “Uh, in case there’s an emergency or something.”
Dan shakes his head and laughs, Sienna joining in as well. Yeah, I’m aware I sound like a fucking nutcase when it comes to Liv, but they don’t need to give me shit for it, too. I do enough of that on my own.
“Thanks for the teddy, Seb. It’s kinda cute and happy Easter. We’ll see you soon?” Sienna asks.
“Yeah, with my two girls in tow … hopefully.” I can only hope that’s the case. Guess it depends on what I find when I get back.
I give Sienna a quick kiss on the cheek then Dan and I slap each other’s backs. “Have a safe trip, and make sure you call Mom. Otherwise, she’ll be on your ass about leaving her without warning.” He laughs and shakes his head.
“Good morning, everyone! Oh, Seb, be a dear and help your dad with the bags, will you?” Mom says as she enters the room.
I guess I won’t have to worry about that.
“Where is he?”
She doesn’t answer, just goes straight to Lorelei and starts her usual clucking. I wander out into the hall in search of Dad. Rounding a corner, I find him hunched over, trying to pick up the gazillion bags Mom’s probably loaded him up with.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter as I bend over and give him a hand. “What is all this?”
He merely smiles. “Oh, just baby clothes, mostly.” He frowns. “Uh, there’s actually a couple here for Rose, I think. God knows which ones.” He shrugs and keeps walking. I follow beside him. “I’d be surprised if there was stock left in any of these stores.”
I chuckle. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
We skirt around a group of residents. “Speaking of Rose …” I trail off as we reach the door.
“Going home?” he asks hopefully.
My brows rise. “That eager to get rid of me, huh?” I laugh.
He dumps the bags by the door. “Nope, you’ve been a great help. But I know you need to go. I’ve been waiting for it. I’m actually pretty surprised it took you this long to get your head outta your ass.”
“Gee, thanks, Dad.” I sigh. “It’s not just that. I wanted to be here, make sure everything’s okay.”
He claps me on the back. “Son, that girl came out a fighter, and she’s gonna be just fine. I could’ve told you that from the very first day she arrived.” He stares intently at me. “Now, no more excuses. You’re a Mathews, after all. If Liv is your woman … then I honestly don’t even know why you’re still standing here.”
We stare at each other in silence for a moment.
He’s right.
So damn right.
“Yeah. I’ve really gotta go,” I croak.
He nods. “I’ll say. Now drive safe and get the hell outta here.”
Leaving Graysfield late wasn’t really the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but my need to get home was greater than my need to sleep. Now, with only five minutes left of my drive home, I start to wonder how all this might pan out. Especially knowing that Liv more than likely doesn’t want to see me at the moment, let alone at six in the morning. I can’t wait any longer, though. I’ve been a world-class idiot; it’s been long enough. I can’t let things get any worse between us than it already probably has.
I should’ve called or even simply texted. Staring at my phone and watching her name flash across the screen those first few days after I’d left had me feeling torn to pieces. The temptation to hear her voice—to let her explain and tell her I’ve been a dickhead—was so fucking strong. But my hurt was stronger.
The day those calls stopped coming was the day I started doubting my sanity. Doubting my reasons for taking off like I did. The way I reacted to finding Zeke’s mouth so close to hers, and the way his arms held her captive against her refrigerator. That fucking image was on constant replay in mind. Why didn’t I notice how stiff and shocked she first looked? Her reaction, but also lack thereof, spoke volumes.
I have no idea what the hell was even going through her mind in those moments. What was she thinking, letting him so close to her? Letting him put his lips on something that wasn’t his anymore?
Maybe exac
tly what she said, asshole.
I sigh and pull over out the front of her house, turning off the ignition and resting my head back against the headrest. I guess, ultimately, I didn’t know if I could get past it. Not only the kiss, almost kiss, whatever the hell it was, but mostly feeling like an unwanted third wheel who was maybe just getting in the way of their happy ending.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot something pretty damn important. This is my family. My forever. I didn’t just choose them; they chose me, too.
I open the door to my truck and get out.
Hindsight is a bitch. But I’m done playing Zeke’s games.
Lifting my head from the toilet, I groan and slowly stand. Using the wall to help keep me upright, I wait for my head to stop spinning before moving to the sink to wash my mouth out. I brush my teeth and strip off my winter pajamas. Fuck knows what I was thinking putting those on. Combine them with the alcohol trying to leave my body, and it’s no wonder I’m a sweaty mess. I climb into the shower and take a minute to let the warm water run over my body in an effort to wake me up. After washing and conditioning my hair, I step out and wrap a towel around myself and one around my head.
Once back in my room, I dig through my drawers, tugging out my sweatpants and an old cotton t-shirt. I’m trying to maneuver the shirt over my head while the towel’s still wrapped around it when I hear male voices coming from the living room. Quickly unraveling and chucking the towel off my head, I slip my shirt on and run my comb through my hair as I walk out to see who Zeke’s talking to, seeing as it’s only about six a.m.
Rose woke up a few hours ago, but I heard Zeke resettling her, and in the state I was in, I promptly raced to the bathroom, threw up, and passed out on top of my sheets again. Super classy, I know. Never again. As it is, the only reason I’m up right now is due to sweating my ass off in those damn flannel pajamas and needing to empty whatever was left of the contents of my stomach. Which is likely nothing at this point.
“If you must know, then yes I stayed here. All night, in this exact spot. Now, can you fuck off so I can maybe get another few hours’ worth of sleep?” Zeke grumbles.
I round the corner to find out who he’s grumbling at. It’s Seb.
Holy shit, it’s him.
I stop dead in my tracks, my comb hanging from my hand as he turns his dark chocolate gaze my way.
“Liv.” His face softens as he walks toward me, grabbing my cheeks gently in his large hands. “Fuck, I’ve been a huge idiot,” he rasps out. “Can we talk?” His eyes flit briefly to Zeke’s sprawled out form on the couch. “Privately.”
The comb drops to the floor as I reach up and wrap my hands over his. Not entirely sure if I’m still drunk, or if this is actually real. I just stare at him, trying to work it out. Trying to work out what I’m supposed to do right now, with my brain short circuiting and my heart hiccuping in an unsteady rhythm.
“Please,” he whispers when I still don’t say anything.
I run my hands over his then watch his chest rise and fall underneath his black and gray t-shirt and decide this must be real.
Holy hell.
I step back, his hands falling from my face as he watches me with that familiar crease forming between his dark brows. I turn and head for my bedroom, not knowing what to do. Isn’t this what I wanted? For him to come home? To want to talk? Yet here he is. I’m hungover and pretty sure I’m still not sober enough to even drive a car, let alone try to talk to him. I start pacing the length of my room as he follows me in, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.
“Liv, talk to me,” he says quietly. “What’s going on? Why is he here?”
I can’t help it; I burst out laughing, cutting myself off abruptly when I remember that Rose is asleep. The last thing I need is to wake her up right now.
I stop pacing and turn to look at him, finding him frowning at me until his gaze falls on the bedside table. He walks over to it, lifting up the picture of him and Rose and running a finger over it.
“How is she?” he asks the picture.
“Good,” I croak.
He places it down and positions it exactly how it was before—before I decided that I couldn’t stand looking at it any longer.
We’re both silent for a minute, but for whatever reason, when he looks at me, I start talking. Knowing that even if I don’t know what to do, or what I’m even feeling right now, I still don’t want him thinking something he shouldn’t.
“Zeke watched Rose last night. I went out with Millie for some drinks, and I got home late.” I watch his eyes close. “So I told him he could sleep on the couch.” I shrug. “He’s been getting to know Rose, and he’s been, um, well, behaving.”
Seb scrubs his palms over his face before turning to sit on the bed. “Come here.”
I can’t say no to this man, especially when I have no idea which way is up and which way is down at this point in time. My heart’s still trying to calm down and catch up with all that my brain has registered. I sit down beside him, leaving some distance between us. I want to erase any and all distance between us, but I know I’m still so hurt over what he did and how he just left us like that. So as much as I’ve been hoping and praying for this moment, I’m not about to forget everything and drop to my knees to beg for forgiveness. Not anymore.
I look down at my hands. “Seb … where the hell have you been?” I raise my gaze to meet his—which is a mistake. Seeing the emotion swirling within those dark brown eyes has me wanting to crawl into his lap and forget this whole mess so badly that it physically hurts to keep still.
“I went home. Dan and Sienna had their baby. I got the call not long after …” he trails off
I nod, not needing him to say it.
He clears his throat. “Anyway, I stayed there. She was born a month premature, so I hung around. I kind of needed the time, I guess.” He shrugs and looks at me remorsefully.
I look back down at my hands, wishing once more that I knew what to do.
“I’m so sorry, Liv.” He sighs, and I see him turn toward me in my peripheral vision. “I should’ve called you, should’ve done anything other than not saying a damn thing, and I know that.”
I nod again, running a shaky hand through my wet hair as I stare off at the wall.
“Is she okay?” I ask. I’m scared to even look at him, for fear I’ll jump right back into his waiting arms. I want to. The urge to lay my eyes on every part of him, to strip him bare and feel every inch of him to satisfy my starving heart is extreme. But I can’t keep letting this shit happen to me. It hurts. It chips away at the very essence of who I am every time I take a direct hit to the chest.
“She’s perfect.” He pauses for a beat. “Liv, I was an asshole. I fucked up. I …” He blows out a heavy breath. “I should’ve believed you. I should’ve trusted you enough, hell, trusted in us enough not to jump to fucking conclusions so quickly. No matter how bad things looked when I walked through the door that day.”
My bare feet shuffle on the floor beneath us. “I understand why you might not believe me.” I smile sadly at the wall. “I’d feel the same way if I were you. But I know you, Seb. I had the kind of trust in you that would’ve made me hear you out, let you explain.”
“Wait, what do you mean, had?” he asks quietly.
I bite my lips and keep my eyes focused on a smudge on the paint of the cream wall.
“Would you please just look at me?” he begs.
I shake my head then hear him move. His strong arms turn me to him and envelop me before I can say or do a thing. Against my better judgment, I inhale, and his familiar scent instantly overwhelms me. God, how I long to throw all resistance out my bedroom window. My heart constricts as my brain wins out. I stay tense, completely still in his arms as I listen to him whisper apologies to my hair.
A tear sneaks its way down my cheek as he pulls back to grip my face with his hands. My eyes close as any and all remaining strength drains from my tired body and mind.
; “Liv, fucking look at me.” He rests his forehead against mine, and we breathe the same air for a precious few seconds.
I shake my head. “I … I can’t Seb,” I whisper. “What you did … Why …”
He peppers kisses all over my face, and I move to pull away, only to have his lips fuse to mine, breaking the tentative hold I had on my sanity as I get lost in the soft feel of them. The taste of him invades and conquers every one of my senses as his lips part mine and our tongues fight a slow duel of desperation and despondency.
“I love you, Olive Sawyer. I’ll forever love the shit out of you,” he murmurs against my lips
I pull away and wipe the wet from underneath my eyes, not knowing when more tears escaped unnoticed.
“You need to go,” I whisper.
“What?” he croaks. “I know I messed up, and I’m sorry. But you can’t … I can’t—” I cut him off, knowing I’m hanging on by a mere thread of willpower.
“You left us; you just left. I’d never betray someone like you thought I might have, especially you. I could maybe forgive you leaving me that night; you had reason to be upset.” I brace myself and meet his gaze. “But you left us here. For almost two weeks, I’ve heard nothing from you. Two fucking weeks, Seb.” Anger and hurt have my voice growing louder than I mean for it to.
“I know.” He runs a hand over his eyes. “Christ, I know. But at the time, I wasn’t thinking. I was losing my mind, and I also needed to get to my family,”
I laugh dryly and stand to start pacing my room once more.
“But did you once think about what I might be going through? I thought we were your family. You men think you can just walk out and fucking waltz back in as you damn well please.” I try to lower my voice as I stare back at him. “No.” I point accusingly at him. “Not anymore. I can’t keep doing this. It’s suicide for my heart every damn time, and I just need it to stop.” I breathe and lean on my dresser as I stare up at the ceiling, trying to keep more tears from falling free.
He rises and steps toward me. “I didn’t think. I was so caught up in my own head, in my own doubts …”
Erase (The Expiration Duet Book 2) Page 13