See Me, See Me Not

by Elodie Nowodazkij

  Protecting the Circle from danger and from evil is a core mission of each member.

  (The Circle’s Book of Truth – Rule Seven)

  My body still shakes. Jeremiah has let go of my hand, but he’s close. Master Abram’s assuring us he will take care of everything.

  “You both did what needed to be done.”

  “But…her son. What about her son?” My gaze darts back to the picture.

  Master Abram touches my hair and I reel against his hand. He either pretends not to notice or he doesn’t care. “She was a drug addict. She was lost. I wish we could have saved her but we’ll make sure her son gets the help he needs if he really needs an operation. She lied about so much.”

  I nod and Jeremiah helps me up. “We need to go back to the cabin. Master Abram said soon we will move to the compound too. With Tessa.” His voice struggles to make its way through the images of the woman dying, begging for her son. They don’t leave my mind. They don’t leave my heart. They fill it with dread, remorse, terror.

  “Mellie, can you hear me?” He touches my face gently. “That woman could have taken you away. You know what would have happened?”

  “Die—die—die. I would have died.”

  “And I wouldn’t be able to breathe without you.” His arms tighten around me in an I-never-want-to-let-you-go way. “I wouldn’t breathe without you. You saved me too.”

  Chapter Twenty-nine – Tessa

  The next morning, after Mom telling me over and over to be back on time, I hurry to work. Luke’s already in the kitchen, eating a burrito. The guys are laughing at something he said, but despite his smile, he seems tense and tired. He’s got circles under his eyes and his jaw is set like he’s grinding his teeth.

  They all turn to me. The guys wave and Luke’s gaze zeroes in on my mouth. When his lips stretch into another smile, it’s only slightly more relaxed. He almost looks relieved to see me, instead of happy.

  Pablo winks at me. “He brought us donuts. Clearly, he’s a keeper.”

  I chuckle. “You brought donuts to the kitchen?”

  “They’re always feeding everybody else.” He points to the breakfast burrito he’s eating as if he’s resting his case. “Maybe they want a break.” He lifts a shoulder but it almost seems forced. And he doesn’t smirk like I expect him to.

  “I need to clock in. Save me one at least.” I tilt my head to the side. Luke’s still staring at me or through me, I’m not quite sure. “Can I talk to you for a sec?” The guys whistle and I shake my head. “How about you eat your donuts.” My tone is teasing and they laugh.

  “Of course,” Luke replies and follows me outside of the kitchen. Once we’re in the small hallway where no one can see us, he leans in and my heart threatens to beat out of my chest. Will this spark between us ignite into a fiery explosion or get watered down with time?

  “I really want to kiss you,” he whispers into my neck. His breath on my skin almost makes me forget any questions I want to ask. But his voice is too rough, too preoccupied and I don’t want to be like those other girls, the ones he’s used to forget…whatever he wants to forget.

  I step back. “What’s going on?”

  He frowns and glances down. “What do you mean?”

  “You look sad. And…angry…and tired.”

  He sighs and rubs his neck with his left hand. His eyes still don’t meet mine. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not. I get that you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, but you don’t have to totally lie about it.”

  He kicks the wall behind him and winces. The wall is made of stone and can withstand pretty much anything he throws its way. “I had a shitty night. My uncle drank…”

  It’s my turn to sigh and my hands finds his. I turn him back to me. He doesn’t resist. “Your uncle was already drunk when we talked on the phone.”

  “It’s just…I got bad news.”

  “After we talked?” I ask, and for the first time I’m not sure how to act around him. Nothing feels natural. When we were friends, I knew the boundaries we both set ourselves. And yesterday, everything was flowing so naturally that now I’m not sure what to do with the wall he’s building between us.

  “Before we talked too. Before the bonfire. I needed to let off steam.”

  “Like you usually do. With girls.”

  “You know I did. It’s no secret. It’s not like I dated the entire female high school population. I hooked up with fifteen girls in a year.”

  “And I’m number fifteen then.” His words land a punch through my heart. My stupid and hopeful heart. I believed I was more than a hookup. I have to ask. “You wanted to forget what you found out…with me?” That’s what he told me before about the girls he made out with: they were good to forget the past.

  His eyes widen and the sound he makes is part anger and part remorse. “Yes. That’s it. You got it. I wanted to forget with you. That’s what last night was all about.”

  I’m not sure I know that tone. And I’m not sure I ever want to know that tone. I can’t look at his face anymore. I turn around.

  Pablo clears his throat and both Luke and I startle. “Don’t want to disturb you guys, but we’re opening in twenty minutes and you still need to double-check the condiments on each table, make coffee, and write the special.” He glances from Luke to me and frowns like he can see in the way we stand that we’re not the happiest. “If you can’t work together, I’m sure we can rearrange the schedule, but not today. So whatever is going on, you need to put it to the side.”

  “You’re right.” I force myself to sound like it’s no big deal even though the butterflies in my stomach are playing a requiem instead of a symphony. My steps are heavy but I clock in and turn away to make coffee. Luke shifts from one foot to the other. He grunts, “I’m going to take care of the condiments.”

  “Thanks.” My voice doesn’t break and I give myself an internal high five for being a pro at pretending. But when he disappears around the corner, my shoulders slump and my throat tightens.

  Yesterday seems so far away.

  We spend the rest of the morning passing one another, grunting instead of speaking. When Donelle arrives for her shift at eleven, Diane sends us both on a break. “Your vibe is all off,” she says, sounding more like a fake psychic than our boss. “Go take a breather and figure it out. People here watch your every move and while gossip can be good for business, I’d rather you didn’t look like I’m forcing you to be here.” She pauses. “Because I’m not. Got it?” She softens the blow with her usual smile, but the meaning beneath her words is clear.

  I need this job.

  I nod and then hurry outside. I can’t lose this job. And I want this disappointed feeling to go away.

  “Wait,” Luke calls after me, and we end up in the same alley as when I saw him with Cora yesterday. What was I thinking? That’s what he does.

  “Whatever.”

  “I was in a cult,” he blurts out and slides to the ground, his head in his hands. “I was in a fucking cult for seven years. I have a little sister. Lila. We escaped together. Without Lacey.”

  “What?” His words don’t make any sense. I step carefully to where he’s sitting. “I don’t understand.”

  He glances up at me and there’s so much pain in his eyes that I sit next to him and take his hand in mine. “Did you see Benji, the cop in uniform who stayed at his table for two hours and then another cop came?”

  “Yes.” Benji is a regular even though he usually doesn’t stay that long.

  “He’s there to watch me. There’s always going to be a policeman in uniform or not following me because it’s all going down to shit.”

  “You have to back up. I don’t get it. I don’t understand.”

  He shifts so that he can wrap his arm around me and he holds on to me. “Mom, Lacey and I were in a cult. Mom’s husband became the leader of that cult…he’s awful. Before joining the cult, he was dealing drugs.” His arm tightens around me slightly as if he’s af
raid I’m about to jump up and run off. “I have a little sister. She was born on the compound in New Mexico.” He takes a deep breath and I struggle to understand his words. “We lived not far from Gavert City by Deep Lake for a while but we had to move. My little sister’s name is Lila and we escaped two years ago.” His arm tightens around me. “Every two weeks, I see Lila, my little sister. And last night I learned the cult wants to find us. Mom probably wants to make sure we’re saved before the end of the world. That’s one theory but I don’t buy it.” He scoffs. “I’m pretty sure my stepdad, who’s the new Master of the Circle, wants to make sure I disappear.” He breathes out and his voice breaks with his next words, alongside my heart. “I left Lacey behind.”

  “I’m sorry.” I have so many questions but I hold them back. I feel his guilt radiating from him, meeting mine.

  “You didn’t look like someone who’d been cut off from the world for so long.”

  “I trained myself to pretend. When we escaped, I stayed in a home with other kids from the system and I worked hard to catch up. A lot of it I’m making up as I go.” He exhales loudly. “My uncle and the FBI told me not to talk about the cult. I overheard my stepdad talking one night about how he was going to screw everyone like they screwed him.” He shakes his head. “That’s why I didn’t say anything before. But…you looked so hurt and I need to talk to someone. And I want that someone to be you. I didn’t use you to forget yesterday. But you were the only one who managed to make me smile, even if it was for one evening.”

  I’m drawn to him. “Okay.”

  “For years, Mom’s husband beat us, threatened us, made our lives miserable. All of that because I overheard a conversation he had over the phone only a few months after he got there. He had a cell phone because he was a recruiter. He recruited new members, but he also meddled, did some shady things.” He pauses as if he needs to gather his thoughts “He was saying the Circle would pay for his first wife’s death. She died of an appendectomy two years before he met my mom. Her son got banned for trying to get outside help. She used to be a recruiter and she recruited him.” His hands clench into fists. “But then he also said revenge would be even better when he got all of the Circle’s money. That his plan was always to get rich anyways.” He relaxes his hands and rubs the back of his neck. “I stepped back but he heard me. He saw me and that’s when it all went down to shit.” He stops talking.

  “If I talk more, I might lose it.” He turns to me and the dilemma is clear on his face. But at least the anger has subsided.

  “Then let’s not talk.” I lean in closer to him. Our breaths mix, our mouths meet and it’s not a simple kiss; it’s a question, an apology and a promise of more. He nibbles my lower lip and then drops another kiss on my neck. “I love those shorts and the way you smile and your hair. And your lips. And I have to shut up.”

  “Why?” I sound like I’ve sung the entire night before.

  “Because I’ve dropped a major bomb on you and we’re on the ground outside the restaurant, and I want to be alone with you and I want to take it slow.”

  “Oh.” Warmth creeps up my neck. Going slow…

  “I’ve had sex before,” I blurt out and then wince. “Anyways, what I mean is we have to get to work.” I slide past him but he catches my hand.

  “Going slow is for me too…” He kisses my cheek. “I’m always playing fast and furious.” He laughs. “You know what I mean.”

  “How about we see how it goes?” I’m not sure if I want in or out of this conversation. But I do know we need to go back to work or we might both lose our shifts. “We probably should get back inside.” I pull myself up by pushing on his knee.

  His gaze lands on my legs and he throws his head back. “Did I mention I love those shorts?” He groans but follows me back inside. Diane nods at us and we go back to work.

  My eyes keep going back to the officer in charge of his protection. I’m glad he’s there, but my heart still jumps in my throat every single time I see him on his phone.

  What if Luke’s mom is there? What if she’s waiting for him?

  And then as I put in a new order, I glance at Luke and I wonder. Wonder about what happened in those seven years, why he left Lacey behind, who those people are. I’m amazed by how he carries himself. With everything he’s been hiding, he’s still managing to go to school and visit his little sister. He shouldn’t be beating himself up.

  “I wish I could stay for the early afternoon shift,” I tell him an hour later as I refill the ketchup bottles and remake a fresh pot of coffee. He’s mixing the ingredients for the famous Flying Pig Sweet Ice Tea.

  He kisses my shoulder. “I wish you could too. I’ll text you once I finally hear the end of Miss Suzie’s story.” He winks my way.

  “She’s totally flirting with you.”

  “My age range seems to be seventy and older…”

  “And seventeen.” I smile at him and it almost feels normal. It’s like we’ve both been broken and tried to put the pieces back together, but we never managed to do it completely. Maybe, we can help each other search for the missing pieces.

  “Is that right?” he drawls behind me and his body is so close, I can feel the heat.

  “Definitely,” I breathe out and his lips hover over my neck. I stretch backwards but he’s waiting, tempting me.

  I turn around and kiss him lightly on the lips. It’s fast because anyone could walk around that corner and see us, but I startled him and he looks like he wants so much more.

  “I’ll see you tonight?”

  “Yes.”

  We have a lot to talk about. Diane calls him over with another table so with a wave, he heads back to work while I slowly trudge out of the restaurant. I say bye in the kitchen and once in my car, I take a deep breath. I need a second to collect myself before going home and meeting Faye again.

  I could almost forget she was coming.

  But if she knows where Mellie is, she needs to tell us now.

  Chapter Thirty – Luke

  Talking to Tessa may have been a mistake. If my uncle finds out, he’s going to fucking freak. But the sadness in her eyes when I blew off steam at her made me want to punch myself. Plus, the weight on my shoulders doesn’t seem as heavy now that I can talk to her about it all. She won’t say anything to anyone. I trust her and…it’s a weird feeling.

  Donelle pops her head into the hallways. “I’m sure your daydream is awesome, pretty boy, but you have tables.”

  She balances a tray on her hand. I haven’t let anything fall yet but there were a few close calls. She seems to be comfortable as she types an order on the computer. “Tables with a lot of hungry people. Hungry people can become mean…fast. A little tip from me to you: don’t let them wait for too long.” She winks at me and goes back inside the restaurant.

  She’s right. I need to snap out of it.

  I hurry to my new table.

  The officer who was watching me gets replaced with Officer Shantelle. She nods my way and then leans back, watching the restaurant and the parking lot.

  Even though it feels weird to have the police watch my every move, I feel safer knowing Lila’s having the same type of protection.

  I put another order in. The crowd doesn’t slow down after lunch, and by three p.m. my lips hurt I’ve been fake-smiling so much, but at least the tips are pretty amazing. Lila’s been wanting an American Girl doll and her birthday is coming up. Maybe I’ll be able to get her one. I check my texts quickly. Tessa wrote that they’re still waiting for Faye. Apparently, she should have been there fifteen minutes ago. My uncle hasn’t called her back yet either.

  “I still need one breakfast quesadilla and two French toasts,” I call as I enter the kitchen.

  “We’re on it,” Pablo replies, but his frown is different than the one he had when he told Tessa and me to get moving this morning.

  “Everything okay?” My voice resonates in the unusual silence. It’s the first time I don’t hear them joking or teasing each ot
her or singing while they work their asses off.

  Diego sprints from the back door to the kitchen. “They’re taking my mom.” He sounds confused. He shakes his head. “I got a text from my neighbor. ICE did a raid at the farm she works in.”

  “Puta,” Pablo manages to say between gritted teeth. “We got you, kid.”

  Diego stares at him. “They can’t take her. She came here twelve years ago. My sister is American. They can’t take her.” He sounds incredulous.

  “What happened?” I quietly ask Jordan, who’s standing with his arms crossed.

  “His mom didn’t have any papers. She fled El Salvador twelve years ago because of violence and she thought she could become legal, but she was still waiting on news from her lawyer. She used to go every month to her check-ins with ICE, but I guess this time she was swept up in a raid.”

  Pablo paces around, his voice rising. “They pay taxes. They wanted a better life but they’re criminals, right? Because they overstayed. Funny how those people don’t hesitate to steal whatever they can, to evade taxes, to bend the laws for themselves, but this one is non-negotiable. They don’t understand how hard it is. Even when you’re trying to follow the rules.”

  “I’m sorry,” I reply. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Some kids at school are scared about leaving their homes, but I didn’t realize this could really happen.

  Diego’s mom brought empanadas to the last teacher-parent conference. I know because they were in front of us at each meeting. My uncle even talked to them kindly. Which isn’t something I’m used to.

  “Not your fault. People seem to think easy solutions are the right solutions.” Diego rubs the crease between his eyebrows.

  I nod. “True.”

  And it is. Mom thought the solution to all her problems was to accept Abram and the Circle as her one and true savior, to follow the rules blindly. It left a path of destruction behind her.

  “What do you need?” I ask Diego, who stares at me like he didn’t understand.