Promises to Keep

by Kathryn Shay

  “Of course you couldn’t.” Suzanna was a saint right to the end.

  Brenda shook her head at her friend’s generosity. “I’m going away,” she told them, abruptly standing up before she lost it in front of an audience.

  “Where?” Suzanna asked.

  “The rehab place where I went before.” She picked up her purse. “I want to get straight before I decide what I’m going to do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve quit the Fairholm Gazette.”

  “Why?”

  Because I sunk the lowest here. “I haven’t been happy in this job. I need to try something else.”

  “Let me go down with you, Brenda. Get you settled in.”

  Brenda slipped on her shiny brown raincoat. “No, I need to do this alone.” Though a major part of her decision to not follow through with the exposé was, indeed, Suzanna, Brenda wouldn’t depend on her now. “When I’m ready to face you, I’ll get in touch.”

  “Brend...” Suzanna stepped forward.

  Coat on, Brenda held up her hand. “Don’t, Suz.” Turning, she headed for the door. Suzanna caught up with her just as she opened it. She tugged Brenda around and hugged her.

  The rush of emotion came then, and Brenda couldn’t backstop it. She felt like she’d just lost the biggest scoop of her life, and it had nothing to do with a story.

  “I’ll be here when you get back,” Suzanna whispered.

  Brenda didn’t answer. She just held on to the woman who had stood by her during every single thing she’d ever fucked up. Finally she eased away and walked out the door.

  She didn’t look back. She couldn’t.

  o0o

  Kelsey was in her classroom, gathering up her things, when Luke walked in. He shut the door and faced her. She almost couldn’t look at him. Again, he seemed so much older, so professional in pressed designer jeans, a silk T-shirt, and a lightweight taupe blazer which showcased linebacker shoulders. He’d also gotten a haircut. “I came to say good-bye.”

  Good-bye. The word carved out a hole in her already wounded heart. She dug her hands in the pockets of her red skirt, which she wore with a lacy beige blouse. For good luck, she’d even put on the ruby earrings and bracelet her father had surprised her with when she finished her graduate degree. She’d dressed with care every day this week, knowing Luke would be in her classes.

  He’d done well with that, giving her only one or two smoldering looks a day. It was her own reaction—an acute awareness, combined with a deep sense of loss—which had been the problem. Particularly yesterday, when the Psychology kids had given him a party once they heard he wouldn’t finish the year at Fairholm and was going back home to live with his mother, maybe get his General Equivalency Diploma.

  I have a Master’s Degree from Columbia...I graduated summa cum laude...

  She leaned against the desk, not inviting him to sit. Knowing she had to get through this didn’t make it any easier. “When do you leave?”

  He yanked up his sleeve and checked a watch she’d never seen before. “My plane takes off in an hour.”

  For something to do, to stop the scalpel-sharp pain his words caused, she glanced at the clock. “Then you need to get to the airport.”

  He shrugged boyishly. “I like to live dangerously.”

  Smiling back, she said, “I know.” She studied him and shook her head. “You look so different.”

  “I am different, Kelsey. I’ve been tryin’ to tell you that.” He still clipped his endings, though, and that little boy grin was genuine.

  God, she wished she’d known him in another context. Because her yearning for that was so strong, she straightened and moved around the desk, started to clear it, anything to distract herself.

  After a moment, he came in close enough for her to smell his spicy aftershave. “Tell me what you’re feelin’.”

  She faced him then, and noticed a little nick from shaving just under his chin. “This whole thing hurts.”

  “I know, honey.”

  “Don’t call me that, please.”

  “Why?”

  “Like I said, this hurts.” She threw back her head and stepped away from him. “Joe told Suzanna that after STAT is finished at a school, the agents can’t have any contact with the people there.”

  He was quiet for a moment then said, “Yeah, that’s the plan.”

  “So, when you leave today, I’ll never see you again.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I don’t see how.” She had to distance him to get through this. “You work for the government. I was a temporary diversion. That’s all.”

  “If you really think that of me, maybe we don’t have anything more to say to each other.”

  “Luke, neither of us in a position to make promises now. There’s so much between us.”

  “You mean the deception. I thought you understood why that was necessary.”

  “I do. It still hurts, but I’m working on that with Suzanna. And I’m thinking about seeing a counselor. I have to get some help dealing with my exaggerated need for trust. And I need to figure out how to deal with my father better.”

  “Well, that’s all good.” He jammed his hands in his pockets. “So what else is between us?”

  “Are you playing dumb? You just acknowledged that when you leave a job, you can have no contact with anyone from a previous assignment. Besides, there’s your lifestyle—you’re away, undercover all the time.”

  He studied her, that quick mind, that bright intellect seeing through each obstacle. “That’s not all of it, is it?”

  She drew in a breath. She owed it to him to tell him the whole truth. “No. You jeopardize your life every single day, Agent Ludzecky. I don’t see how I could ever deal with that.” She glanced meaningfully at his shoulder. “You’ve been shot. I saw the scar. You routinely walk into situations where a bomb could explode—like with Smurf—and put your life on the line.” She finished, in a raw and ragged voice, “I thought I’d die, waiting to see if you came out of the school alive.”

  Without warning, he kicked the wastebasket. Papers went flying. “Son of a bitch.”

  “You know it’s all true.” Her insides churned. “That’s why you’re angry.”

  He said nothing. What was there left to say?

  Tears clouded her eyes. “Please, Luke, just leave.” She turned her back on him then, crossed to the open window, and stood staring out. End-of-April weather had transformed Fairholm into a spring paradise of green grass, maple trees, and a rainbow of flowers. Its beauty hurt, as did the pain in Luke’s hazel eyes.

  He came up behind her. “All right, I’ll go. I’m sorry you’re so convinced there’s no other way.”

  “Joe and Suzanna can’t find another way. He’s leaving after this weekend.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s not over till it’s over.” Tenderly, but with a man’s strength, he grasped her shoulders and said, “Go ahead. Get your head on straight about everything. Just remember this.” He kissed her hair. “I’ll never forget you, Teach.”

  She felt cold when he stepped away.

  Only when she heard the door close did she let the tears come.

  o0o

  Hidden Cove, the bed-and-breakfast an hour outside of Fairholm, was an idyllic retreat. The trees had bloomed, and Suzanna could see dogwood blossoms from the window where she stood late Sunday afternoon. A breeze wafted through and made her shiver.

  “Cold?” Joe came up behind her. He circled her waist with his arms and nuzzled her neck. She was surrounded by him.

  “No.”

  “This is how I want to remember you. All tousled from my lovemaking, wearing this flimsy, sexy-as-hell slip of a thing.”

  “This slip of a thing cost a week’s pay.”

  He bit her shoulder. “Hmm. It was worth it.”

  Purposely, they’d kept the weekend light. They didn’t hash out alternatives, didn’t
speculate on their imminent separation. Instead, they made love, slept, took long walks, and, overall, steeped themselves in each other.

  “What time do you have to leave?” she asked.

  “In an hour.” He tensed. Kissed her hair. “I’ve got a car coming to take me to the airport.”

  “I thought I’d drive you.”

  “I can’t do that, Suzanna. I need to say good-bye here.”

  She nodded.

  “Will Josh be home when you get there?”

  She snorted. “Yes, with more of a lawyer’s interrogation, I’m sure.”

  Her son had been very adult when she’d told him she was going away for the weekend with

  Joe. Hmmm, shouldn’t I object to this? he’d asked teasingly.

  Oh, honey, I don’t mean to set a bad example, but Joe’s leaving Sunday, and I want some time alone with him.

  Hey, Mom, I was kidding. Go for it. Then he’d frowned. I don’t know why he has to leave, though.

  The question of the day! And it was time to ask it. She pivoted around, still in his arms.

  Joe was wearing only black boxer shorts, and his beard was scratchy. With his disheveled hair and sleepy smile, he looked more like a movie star playing a government agent than the real thing. She had no idea how she was going to cope when he walked out of her life.

  “I need to know a few things.”

  He scowled.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t fall apart on you.” She wouldn’t. “Where will you go today?”

  “Back to Washington, to file the reports on our Fairholm operation. After the case is closed, I’m going to Ruthie’s for a while.”

  At least he’d be safe. Briefly they’d discussed seeing each other until his next assignment, but how could they explain that to Josh, to her colleagues? His cover was that he had another job. Besides, it would be hell ticking off the days. They had to make a clean break. Better a slicing wound that would heal than reopening one over and over.

  “Will you...” She coughed to clear her throat. “Will you go undercover again soon?”

  “Sweetheart, don’t. You’ll just worry.”

  “I’ll worry anyway.”

  “For a while. If you knew what I was doing every day, you’d worry more.” He gripped her shoulders. “I want you to get over me, Suzanna. Get over us.”

  She bit the inside of her mouth so she wouldn’t scream at him, cry and wail like a crazy woman that his request was impossible. Obscene, even. “Will you get over me, Joe? That easily?”

  Joe brushed his knuckles down her jaw, wondering how he’d ever survive the loss of her. He studied the way her hair fell around her shoulders and how full her lips were, how the diamond stud winked out from her delicate earlobe. “You know I won’t.”

  “I’m sorry. Let me go a minute.” Pulling away, she slipped into the bathroom—to compose herself, he guessed. She was the strongest woman he’d ever met in his life, but ending their relationship was tearing her apart.

  It was bound to come, though he’d delayed it as long as he could by keeping her in bed and talking about nothing significant. Not even Josh.

  Before Joe had left, he’d managed time alone with the boy...

  I won’t ask how it went in Italy, Josh. That’s private. But do you want to talk about anything with me?

  Josh had faced him angrily. Yeah, I want to know why you’re leaving my mother.

  That’s between me and her.

  I’m not blind. I can tell you care about her. And she’s crazy about you. How can you hurt her like this?

  I have no choice. My job at Fairholm was only temporary. Your mother and I both knew that. Accepted that.

  Things can change.

  Some things. Not this.

  I don’t understand.

  I’m sorry. He reached out and squeezed Josh’s arm, then handed him a slip of paper. Here’s my cell phone number. If you ever need me, now or when you’re at college, just call me.

  Josh’s face had reddened, and he’d blurted out, I want you to stay, too.

  Unable to stop himself, Joe had hugged the boy. It was awkward for them both, but Josh had held on to him, too. And Joe had felt a crushing sensation in his chest. One child had already slipped from his life, and now he was losing another.

  He heard Suzanna come out of the bathroom. She smiled bravely at him. “I’m all right. But I have to say one last thing.”

  “Suzanna...”

  She held up her hand. “I have to. I could leave Fairholm, Joe. And come with you.”

  He was ambushed by the comment. He’d never allowed his mind to go there, to let it spin out how they could be together. “It’s not that simple.”

  “It is if you let it be.”

  “Your life is here.”

  She shook her head. “Not without you. I love you. I can work anywhere.”

  “But I can’t. I don’t stay in one place. I’m gone on a job, like now, for months at a time. It’s no kind of life for you.”

  “It would be a better life than one without you in it.”

  “No. I’d never allow you to live that way. Do you know that the department unofficially recommends that female agents not change their names when they marry, because the union isn’t predicted to last more than two years?”

  Though she paled at the stark statistic, she said, “Shouldn’t this be my choice?”

  “No. I won’t discuss it further.” He touched her throat, fingering the gold chain that lay there. “Now, do you want to spend our final hour together fighting, or...” He glanced to the bed. Prayed she wouldn’t argue. Prayed harder that she wouldn’t cry. He was strong enough to do this, but only if she cooperated.

  Shaking back her hair, she faced him squarely. “Of course I don’t want to fight.” She took his hand. Led him to the bed and pushed on his shoulders so he sat on the edge. Then, in the pretty blue silk that cost her a bundle, she knelt in front of him.

  And suddenly, he wasn’t so sure that he was going to be able to walk away after all.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Four weeks later

  “So,” Suzanna said as she sprawled on the weight room floor, stretching, “how’d it go with your father last night?”

  Kelsey increased the speed on the treadmill, and though her breathing was labored, she ran faster. She and Suzanna had taken to working out late after school, ever since Luke and Joe had left Fairholm. The physical outlet, combined with the biweekly therapy Kelsey had gotten for the past month, had really helped her, in more ways than one. “Surprisingly good.”

  “You can tell me, sweetie. I won’t criticize him.”

  “All right.” As she filled Suzanna in on the details, Kelsey pictured the scene at her father’s condo yesterday when she’d gone down to New Haven to visit him...

  “Kelsey,” he’d said as he opened the door. “This is unexpected.”

  Just wait. “I need to talk to you, Daddy.”

  He cocked his head at her use of the childlike term. “Well, that’s good news. Considering you haven’t wanted to see me or talk to me for a few months now.” He stepped aside and allowed her in.

  Removing her coat and taking a chair, she said, “A lot’s happened to me lately.”

  He sat on his expensive couch, in a Polo shirt and tailored pants. His gray hair was a little shorter, and she noticed for the first time that it was beginning to recede. That small sign of age softened her. “Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.

  “Some of it.” She lifted her chin. “I’ve been getting counseling, some professional therapy, really.”

  His gray eyebrows shot up. Concern darkened his eyes. “Is everything all right?”

  “It’s getting there. Dad, we need to talk about our relationship.”

  He stiffened. “Therapy always dredges up uncomfortable things, Kelsey. I’m not sure I want to work through this with you.”

  His reaction hadn’t surprised her. “Well, you’ve got a choice. You can work through this with
me and be part of my life, or you can refuse to acknowledge the changes in me and what that means for our relationship, and stay on the fringes of it.”

  “I don’t like ultimatums, Kelsey Lynne. This sounds remarkably like when you lived with the Quinns instead of coming with me to Yale. When you took their money to go to college because I objected to your choices.”

  There was something about his tone that made her ask, “Did that hurt you, Dad?”

  He just stared at her.

  “Did it?”

  Slowly, he nodded.

  “We need to talk about that.”

  As he swallowed hard, his face suddenly seemed more lined, older. “I, um...” She’d never once heard him stutter. “I don’t want something like that to happen again. Your mother’s gone...you’re really all I have...” He stopped to compose himself.

  “You don’t want to lose me again.”

  Again, he nodded.

  “Then listen to me. Listen to where I am about things.”

  “All right.”

  They’d spent hours together. Some of the time was tearful. Much of it was painful. But before she left, he’d hugged her and told her he wanted—no, needed—her in his life, and would try to let her make her own choices...

  “Well,” Suzanna said, staring up at her from the floor. “That’s quite a story.”

  “I feel freer,” Kelsey told her, slowing down on the treadmill. “I knew I carried baggage around about him, but I didn’t know how it weighed me down, affected my decisions.”

  “It took a lot of courage to confront your father. To get to this point in your life.”

  “I appreciate your support, particularly after how I acted with you about the undercover.” Even though she’d apologized to Suzanna about her behavior—the therapy had helped her there, too—she still felt bad about hurting this woman.

  “Oh, sweetie, you had a right to be angry at me. I betrayed your trust.”

  “You had no choice. Besides, I need to keep that kind of thing in perspective. I went overboard about trusting anybody. I’m an adult now. Not a kid who needs unconditional honesty.”