The Summer I Said Yes

by Tess Harper

  “That sounds like a really bad country song or a really good children’s story.”

  Sophie smirked. “And see? Just recently—like, today recently—I’ve felt like I’ve started to get that girl back.”

  I felt my cheeks grow hot. “What do you mean, Soph?”

  “I mean, sometimes you can’t play by the rules. Sometimes, life requires you to take a jump. Sometimes, when your heart is screaming for you to do something that your mind tells you is wrong, you have to say yes, even if it hurts you—maybe even especially if it hurts you—because otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”

  I panted. “Soph, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

  She looked down.

  “I mean,” I continued, “you’re the one who told me that this guy was a psycho.”

  “He is,” she admitted.

  “He proposed to me after a few days of knowing me. After the first time we had sex.”

  “I know. He’s definitely messed up.”

  “And now he’s my student. I mean, that just looks bad.”

  “It certainly does.”

  “And he just got into a bar fight.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Right after he offered to buy me a drink.”

  Soph’s head snapped up. “He did that? And he’s only 18?”

  I nodded furiously.

  “Damn, that takes balls.”

  “Sophie!”

  “Okay, okay,” she raised her hands. “It was wrong of him to do that. Like, illegal wrong.”

  “I know!” I yelled. “So why are you even suggesting that I go for this?”

  Sophie took a deep breath. “Emily, I really hate to bring this up, but when you were 17 you and I got some fakes from my cousin…”

  “Oh, that is not even close to being the same!” I interrupted.

  “Really? Why not?”

  “First,” I sputtered, “I did not offer to buy drinks for any of my teachers.”

  “None of them ever tried to seduce you, either.”

  “I did not try to seduce him!”

  “You’re right, you didn’t try. You succeeded. Don’t even try to deny it, Em. I remember your play-by-play of that fateful night pretty well. Do you want me to remind you?”

  “That was before I knew he was a student of mine!”

  Sophie sighed. “I know. I’m sorry I’m being hard on you, but I want you to face reality this time. Last month, you ran. I didn’t think you were wrong to run—hell, I helped you run—but I also warned you that if you didn’t give him the letter in person, there was a chance you’d regret it.”

  I cringed. “I know. But I didn’t want him to talk me into doing something that I knew was wrong.”

  Sophie put her hand on my thigh, patting it. “I know, but you can’t run this time.”

  “So you think I should just let him push me into doing something that I don’t want to do?”

  “Look, there’s a difference between getting a nudge and getting pushed. Any guy who doesn’t understand that difference is getting mowed down by my Camero, capiche? But there’s also a difference between saying goodbye because you know it isn’t the right thing for you, and saying goodbye because you’re too afraid to say yes.

  “I’ve known you all my life. Before Nathan, you were freer. You weren’t as afraid. You loved passionately. You were the kind of girl who did talk about getting married after a few days together, and I know this because you fell for Nathan so fast, and decided so quickly that he was the one for you, that it blinded you to everything else.”

  My heart twinged as I remembered the power of those naive, youthful feelings. “Exactly. I want to spare Jack from making the same mistake I made.”

  Sophie raised her brows. “From what you’ve told me, Jack has had his share of exploring what he wants, and it sounds like he found it. Now, I’m not letting him off the hook. Instead of claiming you like a gentleman, he basically pissed on your front door so no other tomcat would come near you, but I also think you should take his age and inexperience into consideration. I mean, hell, senior year I punched out Sarah Morgan when she kissed that guy I’d so stupidly believed was the one. Remember?”

  How could I forget? It was only two weeks before High School graduation, and Sophie was suspended. The principal almost didn’t let her walk.

  “Alright. He’s young.” I conceded. “But he’s also messed up.”

  “Yeah, and so is everyone. Even you. The question is whether or not those flaws are deal breakers, or if they provide you an opportunity to help someone you really care about.”

  My breath caught.

  “See?” Sophie asked. “You had an opportunity back there this summer to take a step back and see if he’d be willing to give you space. I don’t know if I would have stuck around and done that, but I’m not you, and I didn’t have the same experiences with him as you did. It sounded like everything except that one thing was perfect, and I think your heart wants another chance, even though your head is telling you that this is messed up.”

  “I don’t know if my heart wants another chance.” I don’t know if my heart can take it. “And then there’s Peter. I mean, I don’t know if he wants anything with me or if it’s even smart to try, but I really care about him. More than just care about him, actually.” I shut my eyes. “This is such a mess, Em. I really don’t know what’s right.”

  Her hand resumed reassuringly patting my thigh. “I know sweetie, and if you want my vote, it’s for Peter.”

  That wasn’t surprising. Peter and Sophie always got along.

  “But what I want or think is best for you doesn’t matter in the end,” she continued. “It’s only what you want that matters.”

  I snorted. “And if I want a guy who gets in bar fights over one who is emotionally stable—”

  “Em, that’s not completely fair,” Sophie interrupted. “Jack handled that situation badly. Really badly. He should have walked away instead of throwing a punch. But that guy was drunk and doing everything he could to start something.”

  “That’s no excuse,” I said.

  Sophie sighed. “Did I have a good excuse? I mean, Sarah Morgan…”

  “Probably didn’t deserve it,” I finished for her. “But Jake ‘the one’ was a complete dog and totally deserved that kick in the nuts.”

  Sophie laughed. “Hey, my stiletto’s are lethal.”

  “And doesn’t Jake know it,” I giggled. “Man, if anyone heard us talking right now, they’d think we were evil.”

  “Pure evil,” she agreed. “What kind of girl cheers on her best friend from the sidelines as she beats down on her ex’s family jewels?”

  I shut my eyes. “Alright. I shouldn’t judge Jack so harshly. But that also doesn’t mean he’s right for me, or that now is the time to explore anything even if he was right.”

  Sophie nodded. “Have faith in yourself and your feelings. Trust your gut. Balance the opinions and needs of others with your own, but don’t let them put you on their path. You’re stronger than that. You’re the kind of person that blazes a trail for others to follow, who cares for everyone, and makes sure that everyone is happy while still going for your own happiness.”

  “You make me sound really nice,” I whispered, dropping my head on Sophie’s shoulder.

  “Hey, we’re biffles. We both look at each other with rose-colored glasses. You find my violence endearing and entirely justified, and I think you’re bitchy, self-righteousness is a super cute sign of strength.”

  I laughed and squeezed her.

  “Em, just don’t keep anything from me again, alright? Even if it’s big. Especially if it’s big.”

  “I won’t,” I vowed.

  We fell asleep on the couch while leaning back and talking about the old times: the heartaches of High School, the friends we’d once had but had lost contact with and missed, that time we’d run Sophie’s mother’s car into a telephone pole when we were both 12. We�
��d been through it all together, the good and the bad, and so I knew we would get through this. I just wished my heart would listen to my head and stop hurting so much.

  Chapter 17

  I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.

  I can do this. I deserve to go after what I want and to try to be the best person I can be. I will not keep thinking about certain men and behaviors that are toxic. I will not feel guilty for living my life to the fullest.

  I repeated the words Sophie told me, trying to banish my dread. It wasn’t working. I was going on a date with Peter right after whatever the hell it was that had happened with Jack happened. I felt guilty, and my guilt made me nauseous.

  You can’t keep going in between both of them, Em. Shit or get off the pot, Sophie had instructed.

  I’d, of course, responded by thanking her for putting it in such a flowery way.

  How I put it doesn’t matter. You have to come to terms with your feelings. You have to pick a course of action and live with the consequences.

  God damn. I knew she was right. I’d picked a course of action. I’d picked Peter, the guy who wouldn’t cost me my job, my future and my sanity. So why the hell did I keep thinking about Jack?

  Shit or get off the pot, Sophie’s voice echoed in my mind.

  I glared at the box containing the flower ring on my dresser. Alright, it was time to flush Jack. Yeah, that wasn’t the most flowery way of putting it—it was, actually, downright disgusting—but like Sophie said, how I put it didn’t matter. I was going crazy and getting distracted from my work. I couldn’t keep living like this. I didn’t want to keep living like this.

  I grabbed the box and threw it in my bottom drawer. There. Now I wouldn’t have to look at it every day. It wasn’t exactly flushing, but it was a start.

  I stood in front of my mirror and took a deep breath.

  You’re a young, independent woman. You are in the prime of your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to go after your dream career with everything you have. Jack will find his own way. He is not your responsibility. You should not feel guilty for thinking about Peter.

  I looked at my closet. I needed to stop talking to myself and get moving. “What time is it Soph?” I yelled.

  “Almost eight.”

  My heart stopped. “Like, how almost?”

  “Five till.”

  God, he was going to be here any minute! “Sophie, I told you to tell me when it was 7:45!”

  The intercom buzzed. Shit! That’s him.

  “Stall him!” I cried.

  Crap, which dress was I going to wear? My strapless purple BCBG dress was my go-to for first dates, but this date with Peter was different and he deserved better than my purple strapless. Why didn’t I get Sophie’s help? She knew this was a big date for me.

  I heard a knock on our apartment door.

  “Coming!” Sophie sang. “Peter, come in. It’s been a long time.”

  Oh god, he’s here.

  “Emily is just finishing up, she’ll be out in a minute, can I get you a drink?”

  Please please please ask for a beer, or wine, or water!

  “Thanks Sophie, I’m good.” Peter relied.

  Oh no. Did he know anything about women? About me? “Sorry! I’ll be out in a sex!—I mean, sec!” I yelled from the other room. Shit, did I seriously just say that?

  Sophie’s laugh carried from the living room.

  I had to stop stressing and put something on. It’s so played, but I went for my LBD: sexy, elegant and classy. It was a halter-top with an open back and stopped just above my knees. I grabbed my favorite kitten heels and slipped into them.

  I rushed to the living area. Flush Jack, flush Jack, I repeated silently. Then, I saw him by the door. He turned his head, smiled at me, and suddenly I couldn’t think of anything but him.

  ***

  “You look beautiful.” Peter said as we stepped out of the cab.

  I blushed. Was he always this charming? “You said that,” I murmured.

  He gave me a beautiful, toe-curling smile. “I’m afraid you’re going to be hearing it a lot this evening.”

  Heat spread across my cheeks and neck. He should really know better than to say stuff like that to a girl! Time to change the subject. “I don’t think I’ve been here before,” I said, taking in my surroundings. The cab had dropped us off at the outskirts of the industrial district down by the waterfront. It was a cold night and you could feel the sea air on your skin. Most of the buildings around here were abandoned falling apart.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “Over there.” Peter turned and pointed to a small brick building that was missing the majority of its second and third floor windows.

  I laughed nervously. “You didn’t bring me down here to kill me right?”

  Peter grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him. He looked down at me like he was a vampire enthralling me. “There’s only one way to find out, Emily.”

  A rush of excitement and lust flowed through my body. His wild green eyes flashed.

  “I guess there is,” I answered.

  We held hands as we walked to the abandoned building.

  “So, if you didn’t bring me here to kill me, which, by the way, is not a very first-date thing to do, what did you bring me here for?”

  His green eyes flashed again. “You’ll see.”

  I was nervous, but in an excited way. I never remembered Peter being this adventurous before. I always took him as the quiet, charming, bookie type who would take you on a picnic in the country and read you Keats under a sycamore tree.

  There was a sign on the awning over the door of the building: THE EMPRESS HOTEL AND SALOON.

  What is this? Some Wild West shit? “You brought me to an old whore house?”

  Peter laughed. “No.”

  I pointed to the sign above the door, “The Empress Hotel and Saloon? Uh, yes, you did Peter.”

  He laughed again. “Not quite. I brought you to my great-great grandfathers hotel.”

  My jaw dropped. “What?”

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. “Come with me.”

  I don’t know what my face looked like as he pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the door of the old hotel. I imagine it must’ve been a mixture of awe and amusement, like a child who was going to Disney Land for the first time.

  The door creaked open. We stepped through the doorway and entered a large open room that smelled like oak and dust.

  “This must’ve been the lobby,” I whispered to myself.

  “Yes, it was.”

  My head shot up. Shit, I thought I’d said that to myself.

  I blushed. “Sorry, I was just thinking out loud to myself.” I took a step forward into the room and looked up.

  The walls were high and six massive glass chandeliers hung from ceiling. Old wallpaper barely attached to the wall was beginning to fall off in long delicate strips suspended in the air, so fragile that the slightest touch would cause them to disintegrate.

  Peter stood behind me quietly as he let me take in the space around us.

  “This place is magnificent,” I murmured, turning my head toward Peter. My eyes were wide with wonder.

  He smiled. “I thought you would like it here.”

  Just as he said that I stopped smiling. He must take all of his first dates here.

  I gave Peter a stern look. “Don’t think you can fool me Bub.”

  Peter looked at me, puzzled.

  Well, if he was going to play dumb I was going to call him out on it. “I know you take all your first dates here.”

  “Actually,” he paused, “I don’t.”

  Now it was my turn to be confused.

  “To tell you the truth, I’ve never taken anyone here before,” he admitted.

  Good job Emily, assume he’s a player and call him out, only to find he’s actually sincere. Now I feel like a total bitch.

  “Oh…I’m, err, sorry. I assumed that if you had access t
o a place this amazing you’d probably have shown if off to people before,” I stammered.

  He smiled.

  God, does he always have to smile. Now I really feel like shit. Why is he so nice? And why am I such an asshole?

  His lowered his voice. “I don’t know why I’ve never brought anyone here before…I mean, I’ve thought about it, but this place is special to me. I guess I just never wanted to show it to anyone who wouldn’t be able to appreciate it’s beauty.” He looked up at the chandeliers and walked toward me. “During the prohibition, my great-great grandfather would smuggle in booze and sell it in the basement where the Saloon Hall used to be. This was one of the only places in Boston where people could come to drink. The Hotel has been in the family for generations.”