Escape From Samsara

by Nicky Blue

  Picking his way through the bag, Barry wondered what the hell he was going to do with this bizarre bunch of objects. As his arm was in agony, he used some of the rope to make himself a mock-sling. Not only was he going to have to complete the mission against impossible odds, he was going to have to do it with one arm. Reflecting on the advice Terry had given him, he decided to stay true to ninjutsu tradition and meditate. In fact, he vowed to not move until he was completely ready for battle.

  He sat, unflinching through the searing tyrannical pain in his arm. It was like barbed wire being pulled through his veins, but he did not move. Tears surged down his cheeks. He could hear the samurai searching through the undergrowth for him. He sat perfectly still. Barry brought to mind a mantra his father used to say to him whenever he had hurt himself:

  This pain is not me; it is not mine.

  Barry repeated it inwardly over and over as intoxicating images filled his mind. A mirage of Madam Zanzibar danced naked before him, beckoning him.

  ‘Come, be with me, Barry. Leave this foolish quest behind.’

  Barry continued with his meditation, focusing on his abdomen rising and falling, rising and falling. Just when Barry thought his agony couldn’t get any worse, Robbie popped into this waking nightmare, gyrating like a belly dancer, wearing only his cape and a leopard-skin thong.

  ‘You can’t be far, Barry. I will find you and when I do, I will tear you into a thousand pieces. Ha ha ha!’

  Perfectly poised, Barry maintained his mindfulness as Robbie’s evil laugh evaporated into the afternoon breeze. But the pain was building to a crescendo; Barry’s vision was blurring, delirium was taking hold. Jolts of energy erupted in his body, each one a pocket-sized exploding star. A volcanic fever shot through him and lava filled his head.

  Just when he thought he could take no more… bam! Blinding light swallowed him, his body felt like it had been blown into a billion pieces, with only his spirit left, cradled by the sun. It was bliss. Pain, worry and fear fell away, as if he had found the missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle he had been searching for all his life. Sitting in this new found joy, he knew it was now time to act. He reached into his bag and pulled out the earpiece.

  ‘Good afternoon Mr Harris and welcome to The Ninja Prophecy, number 231/129.4. I’m Chantel and I’ll be your personal navigational support assistant today. Here at the Prophecy Allocation Department we understand that a mission of this kind can seem a little daunting when you are first starting out.’

  ‘You could say that,’ replied Barry.

  ‘That’s why we recommend you take advantage of our Premium Guardianship Service which is on special offer at only £500,000.’

  ‘No problem, that’ll only take me around a hundred lifetimes to pay off.’

  ‘Future life financial schemes are available as part of our service package you’ll be pleased to know. With this offer you will have ongoing support from the prophecy allocation team virtual simulation predictor. Our algorithms can analyse data from thousands of similar missions to enable us to accurately predict your best options as you proceed through your mission.’

  ‘Oh what the hell, ok, I need all the help I can get!’

  ‘We think that is a wise choice. To get you started we recommend you break your mission into a three-phase approach. Studies have shown that giving yourself achievable aims improves your chances of success by 8% as well as any associated risks to your self-esteem and/or loss of life.’

  ‘That’s encouraging.’

  ‘We wish you the best of luck, and remember, you only need to ask should you need support.’

  Phase One - The Barracks

  Poking his head out of the bush, Barry saw that night had descended. He picked up his bag and made his way down to the muddy edge of the moat. It suddenly occurred to him that this might be the perfect opportunity to ditch his underwear. At this stage of the proceedings it was a bit misleading even to call them underwear; they were more like an underground bunker built for the long term storage of nuclear waste. Just as he had dropped his underwear round his ankles Barry felt a presence. He looked up and saw an elite samurai guard. Turning to run, he tripped on his pants and fell face-first into the mud. The samurai drew his sword and ran down the bank toward him. As he was about to strike, Barry’s silent ninja guide leaped from the top of the bank and sent the samurai reeling backward. Jumping onto the guard, the ninja plunged a dagger deep into his chest. As he did so, the samurai impaled him on his sword, returning the favour. Stepping away from the dead samurai, the ninja fell to his knees, clutching his stomach. Barry secured his underwear and ran over. Blood was oozing from the ninja’s mouth.

  ‘I’m sorry I doubted your bravery,’ gasped the ninja, ‘keep going...never give up!’

  Handing Barry a small canvas pouch, he whispered, ‘Take these herbs...they will help you.’

  The ninja’s eyes closed, and his body went limp. Fearing more soldiers would come, Barry pocketed the pouch and submerged himself in the freezing water. Using the flute to poke above the surface and breathe, he worked his way through the thick marsh reeds. He had almost turned blue by the time he reached the other side. Trying to steady his shaking hands, he scaled the bank beneath the steep temple walls.

  Barry then tied the rope between his ankles, enabling him to a scale a tree adjacent to the temple wall. As he climbed higher, he could see neither movement nor sound coming from the temple grounds. Everyone must be asleep. Any guards awake? Where will they be keeping Dad?

  Barry was now high enough to see into the temple forecourt. A barracks housing the samurai foot soldiers lay in front of a vast cylindrical brick tower. He must be in that tower; it’s the most secure place. How am I going to get in through those barracks? Barry pulled on his ninja mask and jumped from the treetop onto the top of the temple wall.

  Sliding down the rope into the temple grounds, he moved like a ghost in the wind, making his way through the white gravel courtyard to the entrance of the barracks. No sign of life anywhere. Sliding open the Shōji paper doors, his heart sank when he saw hundreds of samurai asleep on the floor. The narrow entrance to the tower was at the far end of the room. Would he be able to get through those sleeping soldiers unheard? He crept back into the courtyard and, inserting his earpiece, whispered,

  ‘Chantel, I’m in a situation here. Is there any way I can get to the tower without going through the barracks?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’m paying half-a-million quid and all you give me is a no?’

  ‘Our 3D virtual mapping and risk analysis system calculates you have a 3% chance of survival going through the barracks, but only a 2% chance if you attempt to climb over the roof and up the outside of the tower.’ Barry shook his head, tutted and headed back to the Shōji doors. Entering slowly, Barry placed his foot down carefully onto the rice straw matting and stepped over the first soldier – one foot out of place would be fatal. He moved in the direction of a snoring samurai hoping to muffle any sound he made.

  Creeping gently over the slumbering warriors, Barry’s eyes were frantically trying to map the positions of the deadly silhouettes before him. A drip of sweat fell from his head but he managed to reach down and catch it before it hit the matting. A soldier turned in his sleep in front of Barry and he almost lost his footing. He paused to centre himself and saw he had made it halfway across the room. Almost there. Keep going. You can do this. He lifted his leg to step over another soldier when a hand reached out and grabbed Barry’s ankle.

  ‘Invader!’ came a cry. It was like Barry had been dropped into a pond as the soldiers rippled from slumber around him. He drop-kicked the samurai who had grabbed him and ran like a hurricane toward the entrance of the tower. He ran on top of the samurai now, to keep them pinned the floor and to prevent them from blocking his path – a sharp ploy that got him all the way to the tower unscathed.

  Phase Two - The Tower

  On entering the doorway
Barry noticed two large bookcases on either side. He jumped and pulled them down, blocking the entrance behind him. Sprinting up the narrow staircase, he arrived at the first landing. Two large elite samurai stood before him like animated gargoyles. They drew their swords, slicing the air as they approached him.

  ‘Hello Chantel, me again. I definitely need some fucking help now!’

  ‘Yes Mr Harris, I believe you do. Our algorithms calculate you have 0.2% probability of surviving this interaction. Please look in your bag for your gun, this should help you.’

  ‘A gun? There’s no gun, there’s some fucking tooth picks but no gun!’

  ‘Did he put deodorant in by any chance?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m awfully sorry Mr Harris, we have disciplined Terry about this before. He’s very old fashioned you see and believes ninjas shouldn’t rely on any form of modern technology. I’m afraid there’s nothing else we can do, but please rest assured I will have stern words with him.’

  ‘Shitting heck! Remind me to never trust a fucking hedge again!’ Barry desperately scrambled through his bag and, without thinking, took out his flute and played the only song he knew: “Trust In Me” from The Jungle Book. Molly had taught it to him on his fifth birthday. Barry then started singing to them.

  ‘Trust in me… just in me… shut your eyes… trust in me

  You can sleep safe and sound… knowing I am around.’

  The guards looked perplexed, not knowing how to react, as the song weaved its hypnotic spell they became sluggish, losing their coordination. One dropped his sword while the other began a slow dance with himself.

  By the time Barry had finished, they were both fast asleep spooning each other on the floor. Close call, thought Barry, continuing up the tower.

  Phase Three - The Horny Wizard

  The higher he got the narrower the passage became until the skin from his arms was being scraped off by the rough stone walls.

  Dragging himself up the final staircase, he reached the top floor of the tower and found himself in a small empty room with no windows and a large wooden door at one end. The door was adorned with dazzling jewels that formed a five-pointed star. Barry could hear the samurai climbing up the tower toward him. He ran over to the door and tried to push it open.

  ‘Is anyone in there?’

  ‘Barry! I’ve so longed to hear your voice, my son.’

  ‘Dad! I’ve come to save you!’

  ‘Barry, please save yourself. There are too many to fight and the wizard is too strong. He has cast some kind of spell on me; my powers aren’t working!’

  ‘How can we lift the spell?’

  ‘Only by killing the wizard, but it’s too dangerous!’

  ‘You taught me never to run, dad, I’m not going to start now. Where do they keep the key to this door?’ With that question, Barry was whisked off the ground, and thrust up against the ceiling by an invisible force. Robbie materialised out of nowhere, billowing his arms as if conducting an orchestra.

  ‘Chantel! Me again, I’m currently being held against the ceiling of the tower by a wizard in a leopard-skin thong. Anything you can offer me?’

  ‘Hello Mr Harris, unfortunately our policy doesn’t cover wizards, dragons or aliens and I’m on my lunch break.’

  ‘Great, that was the best half-a-mil I’ve ever spent.’ Barry looked down at Robbie.

  ‘You haven’t got time to give me a quick haircut have you?’

  ‘Hey, baby! I’m afraid not but I do have something you might be interested in. The key to that door, it’s tied to my thong, why don’t you come get it?’ Wiping the sweat from his forehead, Robbie clicked his fingers, sending Barry crashing to the ground. Barry jumped to his feet and ran towards Robbie like a banshee on fire, but with a simple wafting gesture Robbie hurled him back across the room.

  ‘It’s show time! Are you ready for the main event, Barry? I’ve been so looking forward to this!’ Robbie threw his cape over his shoulder and made a frenzied display of arcane shapes with his hands. Then thrusting them high in the air, he chanted an incantation.

  ‘I call upon Sambō-Kōjin the goddess of fire. Grant me your wrath so I can burn this pestilence from the world.’ Trickling streams of burning liquid oozed from Robbie’s hands, forming a web of fire.

  ‘Yabaam!’ He hurled it at Barry, who dodged it by diving sideward just in time. As he hit the floor his earpiece flew out and smashed into pieces against the wall. The burning web stuck to the ceiling and set the rafters ablaze.

  ‘That was just a warm up.’ Robbie laughed, preparing a huge fireball.

  Barry got up and put his back against the door of his father’s prison cell. The ascending samurai were almost upon them. How the hell am I going to get out of this?

  Robbie raised the pulsating fireball and launched it at Barry.

  His fate all but sealed, a familiar whisper came through the door. ‘Remember what I taught you, Barry; forget everything you think you know. If you believe you are invisible, you will become invisible!’

  Barry closed his eyes and returned to when he was six, sitting on the carpet in his front room, his dad’s soft brown eyes studying him. He could feel his father’s love and unwavering belief flooding into him, but an explosion dragged him back to the burning tower. Through the falling bricks and smoke, he could see Robbie looking around the room for him.

  ‘Hey, brother. I hope you haven’t left the party. You haven’t seen the main event yet.’

  Barry realised Robbie couldn’t see him. It had worked! Running over to the corner of the room, he reached into his bag, took out the toothpicks and turned them into poison tipped darts by pushing them into the berries that Terry had given him.

  ‘Where are you, you little ant? I’m going to crush you!’ As Robbie’s frustration grew, lightening and fireballs erupted from him. Huge chunks of wall imploded as the fire spreading throughout the roof raged above them.

  Filling up his flute with the toothpicks, Barry blew with all his might. Robbie let out a shriek as one hit him in the side of the neck. He reached out, gasping for breath, grabbing wildly at the wall to steady himself. His face turned a sickening ash as he gripped his throat. Barry grabbed the keys from Robbie’s thong and, struck with a sudden inspiration, unfastened the velcro straps to his underwear.

  Robbie’s eyes filled with terror as Barry whipped his underwear off and pulled the toxic mother-load firmly over Robbie’s head. Barry held on for all he was worth as Robbie bashed against the walls, choking on a delicious blend of partly-digested fish-fingers and radioactive rice matt. Robbie made a gurgling noise as Barry pushed him towards the top of the staircase. Robbie’s hands fell to his sides. A feeble whisper came from within the fermenting underwear.

  ‘Help me…please.’

  ‘Help you? Sure thing mate, I’ll help you.’ Barry jumped high into the air and kicked Robbie with all his remaining strength. The wizard went flailing down the stairs onto the arriving samurai.

  ‘I’ll help you to stop being such a motherfucker!’

  Barry pushed the key under the big wooden door.

  ‘Dad, the soldiers are coming. Stay in there for now. I’m going to distract them.’ As the first samurai scrambled over Robbie’s writhing body, Barry found a hole in the wall.

  ‘Come and get me, losers!’ Barry dived from the top of the burning tower into the moat a hundred metres below.

  As Barry landed in the moat, the samurai lining the banks began throwing their razor sharp yari spears. One found its mark, taking a chunk out of the side of Barry’s leg. Ducking under the water, he swam through the reeds, following the moat to the back of the temple where he crawled out and made it to the tree line.

  The soldiers were hot on his heels, arrows whistling past his ears. Barry just kept running.

  Entering the forest, he scrambled up a steep incline. Pine needles pierced his skin, the pain from his arm intensified, and blood poured from his leg. But he didn’t stop. Gritting his teeth, he drove
himself onward and upward toward the peak. Arrows were hitting the trees all around him; the samurai were gaining ground.

  Reaching the top, Barry stepped forward to find himself peering over a high cliff-edge. The waves below smashed against knife-edged rocks. How could I survive that?

  Before he had the chance to think anything else, he felt a sharp thud as an arrow tore into his shoulder. It threw him forwards and, slipping on the gravel, he fell. Hurtling downward, Barry grabbed desperately for any outcrop of rock. Finding one, he brought his body smashing into the flint rock face. Unable to keep his grip, he slid further down and hit an old tree root that he managed to cling to. Dangling in the sea air, a samurai approached the ledge above him and delicately drew his sword. He knew this most desired of prizes could elevate him to greatness in his master’s eyes.

  This is it, thought Barry, the moment from my dreams. It’s what I’ve been preparing for my whole life. This is where I prove myself.

  The soldier edged closer as the root gradually dislodged itself from its fastening. Hanging by a thread, his death only seconds away, Barry closed his eyes and travelled inward once again, watching his breath rising and falling, in harmony with the waves below. Bliss rose up and found him again. The widest of smiles swept across his face. The kind of smile Molly has at a Slayer concert.

  Yes, of course. I know the answer – I’ve known it all along. With that, Barry let go, falling to the rocks below. He looked up at the sun, its rays focused into a single beam that hit him between the eyes. Reality blurred and whirled like an old kaleidoscope. Things became quieter and quieter until the sound of silence rang out, and just for a moment, the world vanished.