Vivid Lies

by Alyne Robers

Words about smoke and burning accompany the dramatic notes. He's searching the flames, fighting the smoke for her. The emotions he shows match those in my nightmares. The fear. The love. The hopeless searching.

  He says he will never give up searching for her. Her body may burn but his love never will.

  The vision of Miles on that stage, staring out at me starts to blur. Fire and smoke taint my vision as the alcohol and emotion mess with my head. The stage starts to fade, along with the rest of the room. I feel like I'm floating and spinning as everything goes black.

  FOURTEEN

  Brooklyn

  I come from a family of extremes. My dad couldn't have just one drink. My mom couldn't just have one kid. She had to have two. At the same time.

  London and I are no different. Our life is a balancing act from my extremes to hers. Wild to calm. Sweet to sour.

  I was never the emotional one and London feels too much. She would cry when our father came home and spewed hateful things at us for being an inconvenience in his life. I stayed strong for her, showing her it didn't have to hurt. That strong and hard act is tough to keep in place at all times.

  The one thing I actually like about living in Florida is the roof of our apartment. It's just as run down as the rest of the place, but it's empty. No one comes up here because the sun is almost unbearable without any shade. At the right time of the day, though, the apartment building next door casts a shadow.

  That's where I set up the cheap lounge chair. It's faded from the sun and constant exposure. Up here, I do the one thing I hate the most and that's feel. I can worry about my sister's constant nightmares. I can feel guilty for bailing on Miles and London last night.

  As much as I wanted the two most important people in my life to be together, part of me felt left out. Miles may have kissed me first, but he never has since that night. If he kissed London, what does that mean for the three of us? Does that make her mean more or me mean any less?

  What bothers me the most about all these haunting questions is that I have them in first place. London is the one chasing after romance. She reads about it, photographs it, and wishes for it. I avoid romance and anything to do with love like it's the plague.

  I want fun, passion, and something so consuming you feel like you're high. Actions matter to me more than feelings or words. My heart isn't built like London's. It's not warm and open. It's cold and closed off to everyone else. It's better this way.

  I jump when I hear footsteps echoing up the stairwell behind me. The door to the roof opens and Kane steps through. He seems surprised to see me. I relax my tense muscles. I'm sure I'm not allowed up here, but I didn't think there was anyone who would bust me.

  "What are you doing up here?" he asks as he comes closer.

  He looks different in a white shirt and basketball shorts.

  "I come up here sometimes to tan. You?"

  He looks me up and down, finally resting on my face.

  "You always tan fully clothed? In the shade?"

  "Do you always answer a question with a question?"

  "I work out up here after my runs. Never knew anyone else knew how to get up here."

  I came up here by mistake the first time actually. I was smoking on the fire escape when London came home one day. I climbed up the stairs to finish my smoke and ended up on the roof. Only once I was up here did I find the door leading back into the building. From inside, it looks like another apartment.

  Kane drops to the ground and does push-ups as if he is proving a point. If he is going to go about his business, then I will go about mine. I sit back down on the weathered chair and watch Kane. His muscles in his back flex under his damp shirt. With every push, he makes a grunting sound. Soon, I am done feeling and thinking.

  Kane jumps up to his feet and pulls his shirt over his head. He uses it to wipe some of the sweat off his chest. I watch him as he pulls out his headphones and comes to sit next to me. I can feel the heat off his skin. He still somehow smells good.

  "You stood me up last night," he finally says.

  "I know."

  "Something tells me that I should have expected that."

  "Something or someone?"

  He glances at me sideways and lifts a brow.

  "How is your sister anyways? She feeling better?"

  "Better?" I ask, confused. I didn't know she was sick.

  Now it's Kane's turn to look confused.

  "She fainted last night at the bar. Miles took her home after she came to."

  "Shit. I had no clue. I should go check on her."

  I stand to leave but Kane grabs my hand and pulls me back down. I'm surprised the lounger doesn't break under the impact.

  "I'm sure Miles is taking care of her. He's a bit protective of you guys."

  I nod and fidget in my seat. I'm pissed at myself for not knowing about what happened to my sister last night. It makes me feel worse for not being there with her last night.

  "Why did you bail?" he asks.

  I sigh and lean back, letting the sun hit my face.

  "I'm not a very reliable person. I don't do dates or keep promises very well." I shrug, wishing I had something substantial to give him. Truth is, I just didn't feel like playing nice for the night. I wasn't ready to bring Kane into our little group. I don't think I will ever be ready to bring anyone into it.

  "No hard feelings," Kane says as he stands.

  Turning to face me, he grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet. We are chest to chest as I look up at him. He is still shirtless, and I can smell the mixture of sweat and salty air. It's masculine and intoxicating. Kane runs his hands up my arms, over my shoulders and down my back.

  I can tell we are done with the talking. This is the part that I like about being with Kane. The physical part. The way our bodies communicate with each other. His rough fingers tickle the skin of my lower back as he sneaks them under the hem.

  "What are you doing?" I ask, sounding breathless.

  "You look like you need cheering up. You once did the same for me," Kane says. "I'm returning the favor."

  I nod but I'm not really listening. My mind is blissfully quiet again as it focuses only on Kane. My body is humming with energy, simmering under the surface, ready to explode. Everything is intensified with Kane. His light breath on my face feels like a forceful wind. The heat from his skin feels scorching even under the harsh sun above us. The fingers lifting my shirt slowly might as well be tearing it off.

  In my shorts and my bra, I glance around. We are alone on the roof but other buildings surround us, although none of the windows seem to face this way. Kane notices me looking and pulls me over to the door. I think he's going to take us back downstairs but he opens the door all the way and shoves me against it. The metal is cold on my bare back and I gasp with the contrast to the heat of his chest on my front.

  Kane dips his head and latches his teeth to my neck. I buck against him but he grabs my hands and uses his body to keep me in place. His biting turns to sucking, then licking. I'm melting into him, feeling heat flood my insides. Lifting one leg, I wrap it around his waist, grinding against him.

  He's hard under the thin fabric of his shorts. I can feel it through my jean shorts as I grind against him. The friction sends shock waves through my body. I can feel myself getting wet and I struggle to break my hands free. I just need to get rid of everything separating us at the moment.

  Kane raises my arms above my head and forces my fingers to grab on to the top of the door.

  "Don't let go." His voice is gravelly and rough in my ear. I tighten my grip.

  Kane steps back so I'm forced to drop the leg I had wrapped around him. Quickly, he undoes my button and yanks my shorts down. They fall at my feet to the hot tar of the roof. I step out of them just in time for Kane to grab the back of my thighs and lift me.

  I wrap my legs around him and forget about where we are. I don't give a shit that we are out in the open. I don't care that my fingers hurt from holding to the top of the door or tha
t I will get bruises on my back. All I care about is getting release. I need the messy collision of our bodies, the fleeting connection, the uncontrolled lust.

  With one hand, Kane reaches between us. I hiss as the back of his hand rubs between my legs. My whole body is craving him. I feel my legs shaking around him as I arch into his body. In my haze, I hear the tearing of a condom. Without further warning, he pushes into me roughly. I cry out in relief like I finally had a drink on the brink of dehydration.

  Kane stills once he's deep inside me and I open my eyes. He is watching me and I clench my muscles around him. I need him to move. I need it hard and fast. I want Kane to fuck me so hard that all I can feel or think of is him. When Kane doesn't move, I tilt my hips so he's forced deeper. A rumble moves through his chest, vibrating my needy body.

  Any control that Kane may have had finally snaps. My victory is short-lived because he soon delivers exactly what I want. He pounds in to me without mercy, slamming me into the door. I don't even bother keeping my screams to myself. I stopped caring about being heard when Kane dropped my shorts where anyone could see. The thrill of being so careless only adds to the heightened intensity.

  I can feel my orgasm creeping up on me. My fingers struggle to keep hold of the door and I start to slip. I can't hold on. I can't do anything but prepare for the explosion that is about to happen. Kane seems completely tuned into my body and takes my weight for me just before I let go.

  "Come loud for me, Brooklyn," he growls into shoulder. "Let me hear you scream."

  After another hard thrust and throwing me into the door, I obey Kane's demand. I come loudly and without shame. My eyes close tightly as waves rack through my body. Kane keeps pumping into me, increasing his pace as he gets closer to his own orgasm. Like last time, I drag my nails down his back and it pushes him over the edge.

  My whole body trembles and weakens as Kane lets go inside me. I feel him pulsing inside as it sends aftershocks though me. Spent, he slumps into me, both of us panting and sweaty. It's exactly how we should be. Raw and primal. Unforgiving and uncaring. Exhausting but mind-blowing. Simple.

  Kane helps me to my feet and surprises me by rubbing my sore hands. I'm sure that's not all that will be sore, but I won't complain. I like a little reminder of what we did. I pull up my shorts as Kane gets rid of the condom and pulls his shorts back up.

  I grab my shirt from the lawn chair and look back at Kane. He's watching me carefully like he's looking for a clue of some sort. When he looks into my eyes, he smirks.

  "Feel better?"

  "Much," I admit. "I hate to fuck and run, but I do need to get to work."

  Kane just nods as I put on my shirt and walk past him and back inside. He doesn't chase me down or try to talk. He doesn't look hurt by my coldness or even offended. It's perfect and I take the steps down to my apartment feeling lighter than I did on my climb up.

  FIFTEEN

  London

  "Miles, you can go home now," I tell him after we clean up from dinner. "I'm fine. I promise."

  After fainting the other night, Miles has barely left my side. He stops over a few times a day and has stayed the past few nights. I mostly have been sleeping, always feeling drained and exhausted.

  "But—"

  "No," I cut him off. "It was just the alcohol and dancing. I was dehydrated."

  If he mentions going back to Tennessee to see my family doctor, I will force him out of this apartment. There are also doctors in Florida. It's just a ploy to get us to go back home. I won't do it.

  "You still look pale," he argues.

  "Miles," I start calmly. "I am fine. I just want to go to bed and get back to work tomorrow. I appreciate you taking care of me, but I'm okay."

  Miles chews on his lip, debating on arguing more. I know he's worried about me and he knows I'm not telling him something.

  "You sure?"

  "Yes." My voice is firm and confident.

  "Was it the song?" His words were rushed, like he would lose his nerve if he didn't get it all out.

  I don't say anything. I didn't want to admit what his words did to me. We never talked about over the last few days, and I was hoping he thought I didn't remember.

  It wasn't what he sang or the meaning. It was the visuals that were so much like my dreams. The entire song could be a soundtrack to the nightmares that have been plaguing me. The fire. Searching the flames for the person you love.

  It's scary that I think we were both searching for Brooklyn.

  "No," I finally say around the tightness in my throat. "I don't think it was meant for me."

  Miles's eyes go wide but he doesn't confirm or deny what I say. I wonder if he even knows. Does he think it will hurt my feelings? I shared everything, my entire life with my twin sister. Including Miles. I'm not surprised if he is one more person who likes her more than me. That's her half. She's the likable one.

  I cross the distance between us and hug Miles tight. He wraps me up in his arms like always. I feel safe here, wrapped in his familiar scent and safety.

  "I love you," he says in my hair.

  "I love you, too. I need you in my life."

  "Always."

  I can't worry about him and Brooklyn, but I know he isn't going anywhere, even as he grabs his stuff and leaves me in an empty apartment. He is my rock, and we both know he could never be anything more than that.

  A huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I flop on the couch, finally enjoying the quiet and peace of being alone. The windows are open and the cool night air flows in. It was hard to get used to the humidity at first. I look forward to when the sun drops and the air cools down.

  I strip down to my panties and a plain shirt Brooklyn had from a 5K she did a few years ago. It's rare that I'm home alone, so I grab some wine and popcorn and get ready for a date with Netflix. With the computer on my lap, I get settled in for a night of zoning out.

  A glass of wine, a bag of popcorn, and two episodes later, I feel my muscles relaxing. I'm debating another glass of wine when the room goes dark. The only light is from the laptop screen but the show freezes when the neighbor's wireless we "borrow" goes down. I'm annoyed at first until I hear the rumble of thunder.

  Rain drops are pounding on the windows and soaking the floor from the one open. I rush to close it but freeze when I look outside. Lightning bolts light the sky and the floor below my feet vibrate with the thunder. My hands are trembling as I try to pull down the window but it's old and stuck open. Another flash of lightening has me jumping away.

  Fuck the window. My heart is pounding as hard as the rain. I usually know when a storm is coming and try to prepare. I rush for the bathroom but, in the dark, I can't find my sleeping pills. I slam the medicine cabinet shut and punch the mirror in an angry panic. I doubt they would help now anyway.

  I stumble into the hall, panting and heart pounding like I had run a marathon. My hands are shaking and sweating. I can see the colorful spots as my vision fades and blackens. The panic and phobia are like a thick smoke, snaking in and wrapping around me. It's tugging me down to the darkness, no matter how hard I fight it.

  I sink against the wall and slide to the floor. I can't see outside but I hear the rain pounding against the side of the building. The thunder rumbles, only seconds apart from another flash of light and roaring sound. I tuck my head between my knees and try to slow my breathing. Tears roll down my cheeks. I wish Brooklyn or Miles were here.

  The blood is roaring in my ears so loudly, but it doesn't drown out the storm outside, or the storm in my head. I feel like a little girl again, huddled in the bathroom with my sister. We held on to each other tight while the wind and water tore our house apart. I cried for my daddy, but he never came for us. Every other night I wished he would never come back, except that night. My heart is breaking all over again as the past haunts me.

  I feel like that little girl again. The same little girl who held her sister's hand in the dark and watched out the window for hours, waiting for her dad's
headlights to hit the gravel drive. The rain was so hard, I thought the windows would break. We watched as the biggest tree in our yard was pushed over, coming dangerously close to the house.

  Brooklyn never cried, while I did. I was so scared, and the one person who should make us feel safe and protected was nowhere to be found. We rode out the storm alone. Tornadoes damaged most of the county that night. It was the worst storm to come in years.

  Every storm since then, I get the same terrified and helpless feeling. Nothing compares to being a frightened child wondering if her dad would ever come home. The only thing that scared me more than thinking he wouldn't ever come home was the moment of relief I had.

  Cold hands touch my arms and I scream, trying to scramble away.

  "London? You okay?"

  I look up into a dark and blurry face. Relieved that I'm no longer alone, I reach for the shadow, needing a guard against the elements outside that are tearing me apart. I clench onto to wet clothes and a warm arm wraps around me.

  "Hey. It's okay. I got you," he whispers in my ear as he pulls me to him.

  My vision starts to clear as the irrational phobia loosens its grip. I look up into the dark but concerned eyes of Kane. He pulls me to his chest on the floor.

  "Kane? How did you get in here?"

  "I picked the lock when you didn't answer my knocking."

  Another crack of lightening vibrates my body. Kane tightens his grip and I bury my face in his chest. His jacket is wet but I can feel the heat of his firm chest under my cheek. It grounds me, makes me feel safe. The hallway lights up and darkens like a strobe light is on.

  "Bathtub," I tell Kane, tugging on his shirt. My hands shake but I'm trying to shove down the panic bubbling inside me.

  Kane helps me to my feet and takes me to the bathroom just a few feet away, using a flashlight to see his way around. I crawl into the empty tub, fully aware I look downright insane. I very well could be but I'm not in the right mindset to think about that right now. He closes the door and joins me in the tub, no questions asked.