Faye Kellerman - Decker 04 - Day of Atonement

by Day of Atonement

  Frieda nodded.

  'But I don't feel that way anymore,' Decker said. 'You know, lots of things go through your head when you're being shot. My first thought was: Dear God, I'm going to die. Second thought: What's going to happen to Rina? Third thought: Dear Lord, my mother's going to be heartbroken. My mother down in Florida—'

  'I understand.'

  'Do you? In the past, I'd always been worried that if I met you, and //everything went ideally, how would I cope with dual loyalty?' Decker hesitated a moment. 'There isn't any dual-loyalty problem, Mrs. Levine. You're a very nice woman, but I only have one mother.'

  'I want it to be that way,' Frieda said. Her voice was heavy with sadness, her eyes were moist. 'But you having a mother doesn't mean we can't have some kind of relationship.'

  'We do have a relationship,' Decker said. 'Not a close one, but a relationship. And if it's all the same to you, I'd like to keep things just the way they are. I'm not that same soul-searching adolescent anymore, Mrs. Levine, but I'm not heartless. I have an untold amount of affection, even awe, for that fifteen-year-old girl who gave me up for adoption. That poor little girl who must have been so scared, who must have had to cope with furious parents, a painful labor and delivery, and a secret she could never admit to anyone because she lived in a very strict, religious community—'

  'Please, no moref Frieda covered her face and broke into pitiful sobs. She hadn't meant to react this way, but his words... oh, how could he have known what she'd been feeling all these years. She cried and cried until she thought there was nothing left inside her. But the tears wouldn't stop.

  Eventually, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She reached up and grabbed him, needing to touch him, her baby - her precious little baby wrenched from her breast by a stern, unforgiving father and a passive, bewildered mother. Oh, how she held her baby's hand, squeezing it until she noticed he was grimacing in pain.

  'Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry.' She released his hand immediately. 'Did I hurt you?'

  Decker said no.

  'I'm so sorry—'

  'I'm fine.' He patted her hand. 'Really, I'm fine. Are you all right?'

  Frieda pulled out a tissue from her handbag and dried her cheeks. 'Akiva, do you know why I married the man I did?'

  Decker shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong, Mrs. Levine."

  Frieda said, 'There is a custom in our religion called a pid'yon haben - redemption of the firstborn. Are you familiar with it?'

  Decker said he was. It was based upon the final plague inflicted on the Egyptians by God, the killing of the firstborn males. A plague of revenge wrought by God because the Egyptian Pharaoh had ordered every firstborn Jewish male to be drowned in the river Nile.

  Firstborn Jewish males were considered to belong to God. A family redeemed its son in a ceremony called pid'yon haben. Not an elaborate rite. When the baby was thirty days old, the family gave the rabbi a token gift and the rabbi - acting as an agent of God - gave the son back to the family.

  'So you know,' Frieda said, 'that Jewish families do this ceremony except for those families belonging to the tribe of Levi, which includes the kohanim, the priests. Levi'im are not required to redeem their sons, because the Levi'im were never slaves in Egypt.'

  Decker nodded.

  Frieda said, 'I never married your... biological father civilly, but we were considered married according to Jewish law. So when we parted, I was given a religious divorce. Divorced women cannot marry a kohen, a priest. But they can marry men from the tribe of Levi. My father insisted I marry a Levi so if my firstborn with my new husband happened to be a boy, I would not be required to do a. pid'yon haben and defile the ceremony. Alter Levine was not my heartthrob, Akiva. But Alter was a gentle man who loved me very much. And Alter was a Levi. So I married him.'

  She shrugged.

  No one spoke for a moment.

  Finally, Decker said, 'How did you explain away the divorce?'

  'Oh, that wasn't hard,' Frieda said. 'I simply told him that I had been engaged before, had made tenoiyim - a marriage contract - with another boy before him. Then we broke off the engagement. According to Jewish law, if a couple makes tenoiyim and breaks up, they must be religiously divorced whether they marry or not. To this day, Alter still thinks he married an untouched woman. And I am too cowardly to correct his impression.'

  Decker said, 'That's not cowardice at all, Mrs. Levine. That's shalom bayis - keeping peace in the house. What would be the point? I'm sure you've been a wonderful wife, you've raised a wonderful family together. What's the difference?'

  'The difference is,' Frieda said, 'that it is still deception. And in the back of my mind, I always knew there was a piece of me missing because of my deception. If I had admitted the truth to him - to everyone - I would have been a much more complete person a long time ago.'

  . Decker said, 'Mrs. Levine, that being the case, why didn't you ever try to contact me? I was on the list from the American Adoptees Association. You could have reached me any time you wanted. Why didn't you?'

  'I was so afraid, Akiva,' Frieda said. 'Afraid of what people would think. So superficial a reason, but this was the case. And I was very afraid of your rejection.'

  There was a moment of silence.

  'Do you forgive me, Akiva?' Frieda said. 'Do you forgive my cowardice?'

  'There's nothing to forgive—'

  'Yes, there is something to forgive. Please forgive me.'

  'If you want me to forgive you, I forgive you.'

  'Akiva,' Frieda said, 'if you cannot accept me as family, will you accept me as a friend? If not for me, for my children. They deserve the privilege of your friendship.'

  Decker paused a long time. 'I like your children very much. I really do. But...' He hesitated again. 'Mrs. Levine, this is hard for me too. I'm sorry but I don't think I can have a normal friendship relationship with your children.'

  "They're your blood, Akiva. And your daughter... she's my blood, as well.'

  'But your children are not my brothers and sisters in the true sense. And they never can be because of the nature of the beast. This built-in secret. As far as my daughter goes... I don't know. Maybe... maybe one day. But not right now. And if I'm being selfish, so be it. Mrs. Levine, it would be best all around if we let sleeping dogs lie.'

  Frieda lowered her head. 'What if I told my children? Not my husband. I couldn't do that, but my children... they could handle the truth.'

  'No, don't do that,' Decker said. 'Please, don't do that. I'm not ever coming back to Brooklyn, so why even start? What purpose would it serve? You're a religious woman. What would Ezra think? What would your daughters think? Why should they think badly of you? And then what would happen if your husband accidentally found out? Why deal with all this... this garbage at such a late date? You're made peace with me. Go make peace with God. And don't be so hard on yourself. You're a good woman who made a mistake. I, for one, am very glad you did.'

  Frieda swallowed back a lump in her throat. She took his hand and kissed it, holding it, feeling its warmth. Decker took her hand and kissed it as well, patting it, then returning it to her lap.

  'Please, take good care of yourself,' he said. 'Takecare of your family. Take care of Noam. I wish you all well.'

  Frieda nodded and reluctantly, she let go of him. She rose and walked to the door. Before she left, she wished him a tearless Shana tova. Gemar chatima tova.

  Happy New Year. May your fate be favorably sealed.

  Ordinarily a calm flier, Rina was jittery. What if Peter's wound opened up while they were in the air? She pleaded with him to wait an extra day or two, but he was still beyond reason. Still acting like a mule.

  I have to get out of here, he had told her.

  Fine, Rina had responded. They'd go to a hotel in upstate New York. Give the children a chance to see some beautiful autumn landscape.

  I hate the cold.

  So we'll stay in a nice heated hotel. Or a charming little inn. You love the countryside.<
br />
  Forget it.

  Then at least can we drive to Florida? If, God forbid, you need some help, you won't be thirty thousand feet up in the air.

  I won't need help and driving is exhausting. I am taking a plane to Florida. If you want to come with me, you and the boys will also take a plane.

  At that point, Rina gave up.

  Now, sitting in a terminal at Kennedy International, waiting for their flight to be called, Rina was trying to will herself calm. Mind over matter. It wasn't working.

  Peter was in a bad mood and in a lot of pain. Not that he admitted he was in pain. He was fine, if you bothered to ask. But she knew differently. So did the boys. They were petrified that he was going to die at any moment.

  She assured them he wasn't.

  He assured them he wasn't.

  But he looked as if he were in such terrible pain, the assurances rang hollow. Sammy and Jacob were clearly frightened. She knew that because usually before a flight, they were bugging her to death. Now, they sat like statues.

  Completely out of character.

  Rina drew two ten-dollar bills out of her wallet and turned to them. 'Why don't you guys go to the shops and get something fun for the flight?'

  They looked at each other. Then Sammy turned to Peter and said, 'Is that OK?'

  'Why are you asking my permission?' Decker snapped. 'If your mom said it's OK, it's OK.'

  Sammy shriveled from his stepfather's tone of voice.

  Decker sighed. 'Sammy, I'm fine - well, no, I'm not fine, I hurt a little now. But I'm going to be fine.'

  'I'll stay out of your hair, Peter,' Sammy said.

  'Me, too,' Jake chimed in.

  'No, I don't want you guys to stay out of my hair,' Decker said. 'I love you both and look forward to spending some time with you two, doing stuff I did as a kid. But right now, I'm a little grumpy. Do me a favor and overlook it.'

  The boys nodded.

  Decker said, 'We never did take in a baseball game this summer.'

  Sammy said, 'It's OK. We got lots of years to do that.'

  'It was a boring season anyway,' Jacob said.

  Decker smiled. 'I'll buy some Lakers tickets. I've got a contact. You like basketball, right?'

  'Sure,' Sammy said.

  Jacob asked, 'Does your father have horses like you?'

  'My father doesn't live on a ranch,' Decker said. 'He lives in a plain old house with a few chickens in the back. My mother loves fresh eggs. My uncle's the one with the real ranch. Acres of land with lots of cattle and chickens and goats and pigs and horses. A real working ranch. We'll spend some time there. It's not too hot at this time of year. Uncle Wilbert's a little offbeat. He chews tobacco, spits and cusses a whole lot. You'll have to get used to him. He's not like anybody in your family.'

  Rina said, 'I can believe that.'

  'He's a great guy,' Decker said defensively.

  'Take it easy, Peter,' Rina said. 'I'm sure he is. I'm looking forward to getting to know your family.'

  'Yeah, I bet.'

  Rina took his hand. 'You think I'm an incredible snob. I'm not at all. I probably have a lot more in common with your mother than you think. We're both saskaly \OTrabodte%, -you Vavo". Wl start. XaUdng, food, all the ice will melt. Stop worrying.'

  'I'm not worrying,' Decker said. He smiled at the boys, pulled the visors of their baseball caps over their eyes. Rina had allowed them to wear caps instead of kipahs. They were dressed in long-sleeved flannel shirts and jeans. Except for the fringes hanging out of their shirts, they were indistinguishable from any other American kid.

  Reaching into his wallet, he pulled out another set of tens and said, 'Go buy yourself something real nice.'

  The boys' faces lit up. 'Thanks!' they said in unison.

  'How come when I give them money,' Rina said, 'they check with you. When you give them money, you get this rousing thanks.'

  Sammy kissed his mother's cheek. 'Thanks.'

  Jacob said, 'Yeah, thanks, Eema.'

  'No kiss, Yonkel?' Rina said.

  Jacob smiled and kissed her.

  Sammy hit his mother's arm and pointed. 'Look!'

  Rina's eyes traveled in the appointed direction and widened when they fell on the right spot.

  All of them had come.

  Jonathan was the first to spot Peter. He was also the first one Peter noticed.

  'Come on, boys,' Rina said. 'I'll take you to the gift shop—'

  'Rina, don't you dare leave me alone!' Decker ordered.

  'They don't want to talk to me.'

  'I don't want to talk to them!'

  'Well, you don't have any choice about it, do you?'

  Rina stood. Decker yanked her back down.

  'Please, don't do this to me!'

  She kissed his nose. 'You'll be fine, Peter. Learn to trust yourself. Then, maybe you can learn to trust me.'

  'I'll never forgive you for this!' Decker said, helplessly.

  Rina laughed. 'I've heard those words before. Come, boys.'

  'I'll stay with you, Peter,' Jacob volunteered.

  'Now!' Rina ordered. She pulled Jacob up. 'Come onV

  'Rina!' Decker whispered furiously. But she ignored him and scurried off with her sons.

  Swell! thought Decker. No friggin' rest for the weary. He got up slowly, his heart doing the steeplechase.

  Goddamn it, least they could do was come to him. He was the one that was incapacitated. But it was clear they expected him to make the first move. After all, he was the eldest in the family.

  He started walking toward them; they started walking toward him. Descending on him. They met halfway.

  Decker just stared, gawked. All five of them, even the women.

  What were they thinking?

  They were dressed according to type. Ezra in a rumpled black suit and slouch hat, Shimon in a tailored black suit and a homburg. The sisters were wearing long-sleeved blouses and long skirts. One had her hair covered in a kerchief, the other wore a wig. Both were clutching oversized bags, nails digging into the supple leather. Jonathan was dressed in a long-sleeved polo shirt and a pair of gabardine slacks. He wore a kipah atop his head.

  The seconds ticked away.

  Decker adjusted his own kipah, bit his lip, tried to think of something to say but couldn't. He swallowed hard, then swallowed again.

  Shimon went first. He smiled, shrugged, then reached out and embraced Decker, kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear the word Achi.

  Achi - my brother.

  A Hebrew song rang through Decker's ears.

  Henei matovu manayim, shevet achim gam yachad.

  How lovely it is when brothers sit together.

  Ezra joined in, hugging him as Shimon held him. He kissed him on the cheek. The men let go and the sisters, one at a time, hugged him and kissed his cheek. They had to stand on their tiptoes to reach him.

  Last was Jonathan. They were eye-level with one

  another, Decker staring straight into hazel-green eyes that were shiny and moist. Gingerly, Jonathan looped his hand around Decker's shoulder, then pulled him into an embrace.

  He said, 'You just bought yourself one crazy family.' Decker burst into laughter, then into tears.

  The End