Tyler never said a word about how he felt, after it all went down. He kept his feelings balled up to himself.
Did she want to spill her life story to Galen, of all people? She needed to tell someone because she couldn’t stop thinking and worrying. What if she ran into Tyler while she was home?
Lila was sick of hearing about Tyler. Besides, Lila was so wrapped up in her own happiness she refused to be joined at the hip in Darcy’s misery. No equal share. Their mother had told Darcy to stuff a sock in it about her own drama and instead ‘choose to celebrate with Lila’. Yes, mother. Marcella didn’t know the details.
Because Darcy never told her family she was pregnant. And she never told them she had a miscarriage. It was hard enough telling them that she and Tyler had broken their engagement and he was moving out.
Darcy smiled thinly and wondered what the hell she was doing to herself in Denver, at this window side table, with a coffee, talking about her personal life with a stranger, even if he was sweet and funny and a great listener. And compassionate. However did a compassionate software engineer ever enter the world?
She told herself to be logical, as hard as that was. He wasn’t a therapist. She didn’t want to talk, did she? Pointless, right? Hopeless. Her sister had the wedding bells, the big day. Her sister was having a baby and a family. Her sister got a lovely and comfortable home in a fabulous suburb and a charming hubby with a good job who drives away at eight, not too early, and brings dinner home. Where was all that for Darcy? Didn’t she deserve the life she wanted?
“Wow,” Galen said. “Sounds like quite the place and I never would have imagined that.”
“Yeah. Now I have to figure out what do I do if I run into Tyler.”
“What if you were a Swain customer? How would you coach yourself?”
Darcy made a face at him because she couldn’t help it. “It’s nothing like that. I can’t compare a couple dates gone wrong to thirteen year relationship.”
What if she saw him? Maybe when she visited Downtown, wandering like she used to do with him. That smell of cut grass. That cool spring breeze, showered by flowering trees and flickering sun. She could stop to sit, maybe at The Chocolate Factory, under the tall tree out front that looked pretty but never seemed to have the right spot for shade.
Then he would stop dead in his tracks when he saw her there. Totally unexpected.
Darcy’s throat tightened, just thinking about that moment; not that exact moment, like it would happen that precise way, but a version like it.
What if other mutual friends of theirs were around? Darcy wouldn’t know what to do. She might panic. What could she do? There was nothing left to say to Tyler that she hadn’t already said in countless messages. Had he read any of them? Cared about how she felt?
For Darcy, was it ever really in the past? It happened, but she felt like she kept living it, especially the last week or two, leading up to the baby shower date. Talking to Lila every day, sometimes more than once, hearing about every little kick or jump or ninja maneuver happening within her sister’s uterus was both sweet and a metaphorical knife in the gut. Lila’s life became a painful reminder. How her life would be different. Was her baby training for American Ninja Warrior? Quite possibly. You never did get to hear about what went on in that warm and cosy palace, smaller than a college football, during those nine months. What happens in the womb, stays in the womb.
Lila kept telling Darcy that God had a plan for her life. Why include a miscarriage and a horrible break up? It was dreadful on top of awful. Why did love have to hurt so much?
“What will you do?” Galen asked. “Will you tell him you’re in town?”
Darcy’s lip trembled and she fought her emotions. She told herself she had to stop making herself miserable. “I don’t know. I don’t know why my life is stuck. It’s like…I can’t move on. My job is good, stressful, not quite spectacular, but what job is, right?”
“I wouldn’t worry about your ex.”
How could he say that? After all she had been through, this wasn’t a charming reply, it was sounding like advice, which Darcy wasn’t sure she wanted. She twisted her lips and tried harder not to cry. “Why do you say that?”
“I say he’s a dick, if he treated you that way. Sorry if that’s too blunt, but he should have supported you.”
Darcy’s instinct was to defend Tyler, but she held her tongue. Was Galen right? But if he were right, then what purpose did her life have? Or was Galen just trying to make her feel better? Why did everyone need to tell her how she should feel about him? She couldn’t control those tender feelings; Like a bird’s wings they are so fragile yet like titanium, no matter what she hit them with, they would not break. She had been afraid to try for so long she gave up and accepted she would always suffer with the same lingering doubts over the same conversations that no longer mattered. “Stop. Just stop,” She said. “I know…”
“You still want him. You can’t let go. And you wish you could.” Galen said. “I understand that kind of pain. You can’t rub…some miracle cream on it and make it fade.”
Ouch. Brutal. True. But it stung. She knew he was right but she was still upset and trying desperately to push those feelings away. “I’m mad at him, so yes” She said. She watched snow outside, while listening to commotion around the coffee shop built for fifty, currently serving two hundred. “Am I that obvious?”
Galen seemed like he was somewhere else until he said, “I’ve been there. That’s probably why I know what you mean. It’s hard. Can’t heal a cut that we we keep picking at.”
Darcy’s eyes rolled by natural consequence, like water evaporation leads to rain, “I don’t want advice. Okay?”
Galen agreed and said, “I’m sorry. For your loss. I believe everyone deserves to be happy and I wish for happiness for you.”
Darcy planted her head on the table, face first and let herself go, like a tidal wave of emotions crashing to the shore. What did happiness look like? She didn’t know that answer.
“I talk too much. I’m sorry for my blatant honesty. My sister often tells me I need to shut up.”
Could she handle Tyler? Could she handle seeing her old friends, her sister’s friends, family, after all that had happened? Some of them knew Darcy’s past and some didn’t. At least, Darcy thought some people didn’t, but she wasn’t sure how gossipy it all had gotten. She feared the worst. Living far from home had shielded her mostly from all that. Returning home, she worried she would be judged by everyone for what they thought they knew. And she hated that feeling. In a small town, there are no secrets, only rumors.
Her sister’s shower should be a happy occasion!
Galen said, “What do you want to talk about? I can tell you about how I tore up my knee playing basketball. Kinda funny story.”
“Go for it.”
She needed to laugh. Be distracted. Galen was the closest thing she had to sunshine. Hope. Darcy knew hope was necessary, but dangerous.
Galen talked and talked about how he tore up his knee playing basketball with two of his friends, older and out of shape by the sound of things, and even though they had aged, it sounded to Darcy like they had yet to attain a desirable maturity one would consider appropriate.
“My friend Kat helped me with my diet, so I’ve dropped eighteen pounds. I’ve never felt better,” Galen said.
He explained his living arrangements between his sister’s sofa and his parents basement and Darcy felt a little better about her living circumstances, but it felt like a pointless comparison. At the same time, she felt badly for him. He was younger, but he had bills to pay and needed to find work. Otherwise, he was stuck in neutral, just like her.
“When it comes to family, we’re stuck. Look on the bright side, if you’d had a child with your ex, you’re glued,” Galen said, pausing. “Sorry. I should not have said that. I keep saying the wrong things. You might do better to just ignore me.”
Darcy knew that was true and wished it were. She wanted t
o be stuck with Tyler. To make matters worse, Marcella kept insisting she had a fix for Darcy’s love life and career. Her sister, Lila, was wonderful but also very controlling and frantic and subject to mood swings with her pregancy. Season of Crazy would pass. Not soon enough, but it would pass. She thought more about being stuck with Tyler and concluded that she was stuck with him. It was a one sided stuck? She cared so much about him and what he was doing. She couldn’t have that and thinking that way made her sad.
Maybe Galen had a point, that it was good the child didn’t survive, but thinking like that felt horrible. Wish away a life, for what? Her own convenience? Or personal preference? Thoughtless murder. Her daughter might have lived a charmed life had she gotten a chance. She would have enriched Darcy’s. She might have made new discoveries and made the world a better place, carried a beautiful smile with her everywhere.
“Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about where you’re going, again,” Darcy said, because she got confused about with all the commotion in her head. It’s like she had a crowd, keeping her unpleasant company all the time. It was like twenty people had to tell her what to do at the exact same time and she wanted to tell them all to shut up. Seriously.
“San Francisco? It’s picturesque. My aunt and uncle have a full plate for out of town family. Should be fun. New experiences.” Galen elaborated about what he knew of San Francisco, places he wanted to visit. He didn’t have to stay at sister’s or his parent’s place.
Galen said, “I was trapped, you know? I hate moving. Going to an unfamiliar place is terrifying for me. I hate even being more than an hour from home. Partly because my car isn’t reliable.”
Darcy’s mind raced while Galen was talking. She kept thinking about home. Tyler. Friends she hadn’t seen in years. Her mother’s friends who might or might not come to the shower. What could she say to people when they asked about Tyler?
“Yeah. Years and tears ago, that was me. Except it was small town Wisconsin. I was afraid to go places far from home. Texas was a huge jump for college and I cried so much before I left. I can say that now.”
“You’re stronger for it, I’m sure of that. My best friend Kat went through a tramatic experience and it was the best thing in her life. It changed who she was.”
Darcy didn’t want to talk about Tyler. She knew she might see him, which drove her crazy in good and bad ways. She wanted desperately to quit thinking about him and just live, mentally free from bondage.
“Someday, when you have the life you’ve always wanted, this experience will be enriching for you. You’ll see,” Galen said.
Darcy had to steel herself. “Not yet,” Darcy said and she immediately wanted to take it back, but it was too late. The words were out. There it was. She always thought she would have kids before she turned thirty. Always. She didn’t have a problem with career oriented women, she didn’t want that for herself. At least, she didn’t think that was all she wanted. She wanted to be a boss and a mom. A mom boss. “I mean, someday. Right? You’re right. I will. I’m not very patient.”
Darcy thought she was doing a good job keeping herself in check. She felt like rambling on, but restrained herself.
Looking again at the time, Darcy worried. She had a schedule. Arrival. Pickup. Extra time allotted for bad weather, mild incidentals because they always happened. It was cold and windy and had been raining in Wisconsin. They even accounted extra time for an accident just in case, knowing that if she arrived early, it meant bonus time.
She hadn’t called Lila yet and she didn’t want to. Darcy didn’t even want to think about it. What if the flight was delayed until tomorrow morning? She could miss the shower! All the arrangements she had made!
She told herself over and over to stay calm and talk to Galen. Any topic worked, other than Tyler and the baby shower. Or her family. None of those topics felt safe and she didn’t feel like being vulnerable anymore.
Even with all the airport noise and Galen talking, it was hard to drown out all the worries that floated to the surface, like foam bubbles on a choppy sea.
Galen told her about his cousin Kim and his Aunt Simone and Uncle Frank. Then he grazed over how the family exploded over gossip, jealousy and stupid things that were said. Judgmental. That was what both sides said about each other and they never took it back.
“You’re taking a big political risk for a wedding,” Darcy said. “Why?”
He didn’t seem terribly worried, though Darcy was worried for him. If his parents had trouble with his aunt and uncle, maybe it was legit. Darcy’s parents mostly avoided certain family members, coincidentally they were all from Connecticut; as much as was possible without making a fuss. “My mother would explode if she knew I’m going to Kim’s wedding. She hates my aunt Simone. It’s all vanity. If you ask me.”
“You don’t think your mom suspects why you’re flying to San Francisco? It’s her family, right? She has to know where they live,” Darcy said, figuring nothing got past Galen’s mother. Based on his limited explanation, she seemed like someone who knew what was going on when people didn’t suspect so. An observant woman. A planner. A little cunning. Perhaps even shrewd.
“Your mother sounds judgmental,” Darcy said. “I agree with your aunt Simone. She sounds sensible.”
“Marika, as my sister says it, is an artist and no one tells her anything, according to Addison. She said that our mother is such a narcissist that no one could ever prove her wrong. Honestly, I think my father is looking forward to death.”
Darcy twisted her lips and tried not to laugh. Or judge Galen’s family, though she had a million times over, “So you’re escaping all that.”
Galen had convinced his mother he’s attending a tech conference. It sounded like a good reason for a guy who’d been unemployed for what seemed like eons and long past a college appropriate age. Darcy knew classmates who still lived at home. Darcy dreaded the idea she would ever have to live with family again. She had to pave her own road. Darcy felt that she and Galen had similar family politics.
“Don’t you think your mother will ask questions? How stupid is she? She’s gonna ask.”
“She’s happy to be rid of me. She’s clueless about Kimmy’s wedding, unless Addison told her, which she wouldn’t do,” he laughed to himself, “Crazy. She was a skinny soccer chick.”
Darcy had trouble connecting the dots. “You’re risking your family relationships for a cousin you haven’t seen in years?” Darcy wondered what else he had going in California he wasn’t saying. “Your mother has to know something’s up.”
“Doubtful. I’m gone and looking for a job, out of her hair. Good thing my mother won’t look online, because the conference I’m supposedly attending doesn’t happen until October.”
“You’ll be a tad early,” Darcy said, smirking at him. “If she asks for proof you and your sister are totally screwed.”
“She won’t.”
“Why not?”
Galen puckered his lips, “Okay. What is proof? A conference bag? T-shirt?”
Darcy had to think. She had attended job fairs. Conferences related to work. Promotional circus related to college football, all for Tyler. He was never in the limelight, but he always played. Every game. Every season. Darcy was always there, at his side, in the stands, hanging out alongside the press sometimes, right outside the locker room where they would let player’s family linger. “A business card. A list of names.”
“I don’t know that she would care. I know people. She knows that.”
“What if you had an interview?” Darcy asked.
“On a weekend? I can’t prove that anyway.”
“Okay, maybe not an interview.” Darcy felt her face flush and wished she had kept quiet on that idea, though she still thought it was brilliant. There had to be a way, right?
“I can’t afford California anyway,” He said, which sounded a lot like groaning, “Marcson Tech is my best shot and they haven’t said yes or no, which is driving me to madness. I hate li
mbo. I don’t know what’s next. I can’t think about interviewing.”
What was his problem with interviewing? Did he just fail to understand there is a structure to them, question and answer? Keep the answers short and sweet, to the point? He had trouble focusing on one thing and his mind scattered all over. He stuck out like the intelligent sort who couldn’t deal with people because they just weren’t compatible with his odd, often unfiltered and unusual personality. “I could help you.” Darcy said.
“Why?” He wore a skittish look, like kids would copy their neighbors during class when they had no idea what page the class was on.
Darcy said, “I don’t want to keep thinking about everything that’s going wrong, like being stuck in this freaking airport.”
“I’ll play along. What’s first, teach?”
Darcy took him through her process for interviews, which were more hands on than conventional. She’d have candidates complete an assessment first, then discuss a working base for the Swain app. From there, Darcy could just talk to the candidate, in a very casual manor about experience. Darcy found that candidates tended to open up in the less formal setting because they didn’t think they were being interviewed in the same sense as the conference room with a manager. Just from a few minutes one on one told the story. Who to hire and who to send out the door. Darcy had lots of examples of what to do and what not to do. She called them red flags; things you could say that would instantly trigger an abrupt end to the interview. Say you had an argument with your boss? Or accused of wrong doing? Did something against company policy because you didn’t agree with the rules? Leave those out.
Then she talked about the interview format.
Galen said he didn’t like structure. How could he dislike structure? How else was anyone to know what to do? Interviewing would be bias and freewheeling if not for structure. Standard questions are your friends! Predicable. You can plan and prepare for those. Like it or not, you’re stuck in an airport and interview questions are pretty standard.
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