Worse yet, she had no idea what to say if she did run into him. How could she confess how she really felt without leaving herself even more vulnerable? Getting rejected all over again sounded dreadful. Depressing. She and Tyler had been together all through high school, so Darcy had never known the mental anguish girls went through with breakups and horrible dates. Tyler and Darcy had been inseparable, united in everything they did together. He was the adventure. She was the quiet girl he was rescuing.
She’d been trying to rescue herself since he left.
Darcy’s mind ran wild, running the same track that was her past. What changed. And how it ended. Suddenly. Tradgicly. “You ever worry about…the baby? I mean, health wise?” Darcy hoped her voice hadn’t cracked, hadn’t given anything away.
“Miss baby is fine and dandy. My doctor said so. Momma, on the other hand, is not always doing so hot. You remember those calls. Sickness about killed me during the second trimester. That and heartburn.”
Darcy remembered bits and pieces. Sickness was part of her untold story. But now, having lost that child, she strangely missed that nausea, which didn’t make any sense at all. She wished for more, because it would at least bring her what she wanted. She hated that she would never know how her life might have turned out, had she behaved differently. Had she been more careful.
Her body had rejected her and Tyler had echoed that mantra.
Was she hoping she saw him? She thought so. But she wasn’t entirely sure that was a good idea.
The doughnuts were amazing. A hot doughnut, orange zest, then a glaze of sugar which was torched lightly to caramelize and harden just a little. It crunched and had a perfect mellow sweetness, meeting velvety soft and airy dough that was nothing like Darcy had tasted before. So yummy. Darcy allowed herself a quarter of one, positive she could eat three of them. Lila ordered liberally with not one ounce of buyers remorse, reiterating that her doctor had told her to gain a few pounds at her last checkup.
Oliver texted: on my way to pickup the set.
Darcy wondered who had paid for it. Probably her mother, which meant she would owe her mother money for her twenty-five percent share. Plus tax. Gulp. All in the name of Lila’s happiness. It was a small price to pay.
“So. How is married life? Really?” Darcy asked. “Spill the goods.”
“You mean besides the nighttime gas, stinky and yellowing undershirts after his workouts, occasional belching and wrestling for the remote control? It’s awesome.” She paused before saying, “Get a cat first. Or a dog. Starter project before you take on a more serious task, like a husband.” Lila smiled thinly after she spoke, dabbing at her mouth corners with a napkin to catch stray frosting. “I think we have to follow what the Bible says, frankly. It’s about structure. Balance. Roles and mostly forgiveness. Grace. Yep. That’s how I would say marriage goes, so far.”
What? That’s her advice? Nothing romantic, wistful? Dreamy? Where’s the joy of life moments waking up together, spooning? Sharing intimate conversation. She longed for one person in the world she could trust with her soul. What about those moments your heart beat so fast you thought it might explode? “And…what else?”
“Uh. Marriage is hard. Beautiful. Great. Challenging. That’s it. And you’ve got to have that…glue. Commitment. It’s trust, sure, but there’s more to it than that. I don’t know much, but I know it’s hard and you’ve got to work at it and it’s totally worth it, if you’re both totally bound to it.”
“Okay, okay. Sister, tell me what I want to hear.”
“Fine. Tyler is walking across the street.”
Shit. Not quite. Well. Sort of.
The chocolate shoppe. He must have left. That was him? Seriously. The man she had seen minutes earlier was walking where Lila gesticulated, walking, bags in one hand. Alone. Darcy felt her face warm up, thinking about how she had imagined a moment like this, but her sister wasn’t ever in any of those home made movies, playing in Darcy’s head just for herself. Except he looked so much better this time around. She panicked, thinking, he must have a new girlfriend, who made improvements. Could Darcy live with that? Would it be worse to talk to him and find out he had so casually bounced back from their breakup, their miscarriage, their abruptly ended engagement? If she didn’t find out, she could end up wondering endlessly.
He walked on the sidewalk, bags in one hand, looking good and oblivious of her. Had he spotted her or not? Surly he had not, because how could he ignore her after she had been a fixture in his life for so many years?
“What do I do?” Darcy asked Lila, refusing to take her eyes off him. “I don’t know what I should do.”
“Let it play out. Let him find you.”
Darcy looked away from him and tried to distract herself, but she was afraid of missing the moment. Her chance. Prop the door open or lock it closed and lose the key. She’d been waiting for this chance, but now that it had arrived, she wasn’t sure how to handle it. It felt too final. Too sudden. “What? I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. Just keep walking, looking pretty. Bet he knows you’re here.”
“How can you do that?” Darcy asked, trying to focus on Lila instead of Tyler. She hated this game and how it toyed with her emotional ability and her sanity at the same time.
“Do what? Wait on people? I do it all the time.”
“What? You’re married.”
“We always want to be wanted.”
“Wait. So that doesn’t stop when you get married?”
Lila laughed a little. “Nope. Not a bit.”
Tyler was crossing the street coming toward them, not using the crosswalk, but cutting across the intersection. What was that about? Was he trying to shorten the route or get run over? Could she find his blatant disregard for safety and laws as a flattering exercise somehow? He’s so impatient. She could live with that, right?
Breathe, Darcy. Breathe.
He stopped when he saw Darcy and Lila standing together, watching him. Lila smiled and said hello. Darcy did her best not to react.
Tyler said, a look of fained surprise on his face, “I knew that was you. Back home, huh? When did you get in town?” Tyler paused a second, adjusting the straps for his shopping backs in his hand. Books. Chocolates. Bath soaps. Darcy felt her heart sink. He must be seeing someone.
Tyler went on, “Crazy to run into you two. Hi Lila, hope you’re feeling well. I was just heading into Wix for a candle.”
Was he? He hadn’t come across the street to see her? That killed the mood. He was supposed to want to see Darcy! Tell her how sorry he was so she could forgive and forget. Sweep her off her feet. Didn’t he know all that?
“Oh. Funny that,” Darcy said. Did that sound okay? Pathetic, maybe? She wished she had a meter for tone. Too nice, too pathetic?
He said something that sounded like a thank you, but Darcy had spaced out, admiring his new look and wondering about his life away from her and dreading the thought that he was doing better in her absence. That thinking that way made her feel even more pathetic and jealous. Wasn’t it obvious to Tyler that she hadn’t moved on? It had been four months since they split, but five months since the miscarriage. The month they were together after that traumatic event left both of them scarred. Marred. The end of life. They felt like their child had died. Because he had. The beginning of the end. Or maybe their affection had started to sputter earlier and Darcy and Tyler had been so immersed in grief they didn’t realize they were drifting apart?
Was it too late, too far gone, to salvage?
“Thanks. I didn’t mean to intrude. I wanted to say hello, say congrats to Lila.” He started to step aside, as though he were about to break away.
Darcy panicked. “Oh, it’s…no problem. You look well. How’ve you been? How are you settling?”
His face contorted a little, incredulous. Was he confused? “I don’t get it, Darcy.”
“What do you mean?”
He asked, “You don’t remember what you said?”
Darcy shook her head, because she couldn’t recall anything but how she felt after the pregnancy ended. They both were so immersed in grief there was little else. She needed counseling. Darcy had told him to come with her, but he had refused.
What had happened? What was she missing?
Tyler was incredulous. “It’s better for you then,” he smiled, genuinely. “You look great, by the way. I’ve gotta run.” He turned on his feet and walked away without another word.
She wanted to chase him and tell him he looked great too. He had improved in her absence, which strangely made her think that he was better off without her.
What? Darcy didn’t remember saying any of that. She remembered the hurt she felt from how he had reacted to the pregnancy announcement, but he had come around and was happy with her. They were engaged. And they thought it all was coming to them.
Darcy stood there, unsure what to do. Immobile. She turned toward her sister, Lila, who was tearing up. Lila laughed at herself, dabbing at her eyes. Darcy hugged her sister a moment and suggested the craft store, which Lila was all too happy to venture to.
“Are you okay?” Lila asked. “I don’t want to overstep, but I’m betting there is more to you and Tyler than you’ve told me and that’s okay. I want you to know that I don’t have to know all the details of your private life. I really don’t. But if you want me to support you, I’m here.”
Silence lingered while sisters walked side by side. A lovely May Day brought out many from the community. Walkers, dogs and kids. Strollers. It felt like the perfect place to raise a family and suddenly, Darcy realized she wanted to have a family here too, which was strange, considering she had just seen Tyler. Her trouble with herself was she couldn’t reconcile how she felt to what she knew. Tyler was a big kid, in a lot of ways and she was afraid that he wouldn’t be predicable enough for having a family. She felt like she couldn’t depend on him to be there when she needed him. Could she really count on him to do what was needed, even when he didn’t want to be responsible? She and Tyler had a blast when they were dating, especially when they were in college together. He was a fun guy. Everyone liked him and invited him places. With Tyler, there were more options for fun than they had time for, but time didn’t stop Tyler from trying to pack it all in.
“Did he really look good or was that just me?” Darcy asked Lila after they had walked for a minute, just taking in a beautiful Wisconsin day in May, which had turned better than expected. The sun was shining, people were smiling, walking, riding.
“He’s been coming to my gym,” Lila said, sounding like it were a confession. “I’ve seen him many times. Always in the weight room. Earphones in his ears.”
He’s getting in shape, changing his clothes. He would have needed warmer stuff compared to Dallas anyway, but his sudden workout habit is new. He hadn’t been all in to fitness when they were together.
“Is he seeing someone? He doesn’t post anything about it if he is,” Darcy said.
“Aw. Sis. You don’t want to know, do you?”
Darcy shook her head and tried not to cry. Lila didn’t know the details and didn’t need to. Would that change her reaction, if Darcy told her the whole story and spilled her heart out? Darcy didn’t want to grieve her sister.
“Maybe it’s best if I don’t know?” Darcy said.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Lila asked.
“I’ve tried. Talking about the past doesn’t change it, no matter how many times I try to sort it out in my head.”
Darcy remembered some of it. Monica had told her what she remembered about giving birth and Darcy accepted that memories were limited about such dramatic things. Maybe a forgetful memory for trauma events was a safety feature the maker installed in women.
“Don’t I know that,” Lila said. “I try not to have regrets. I try to see the world and events as God’s providence.”
“I wish I had your faith,” Darcy said. “How does that work? Seeing things as all God?”
“Its hard. I have hope in God. In His direction for my life. But I know that I share responsibility.”
“So you’re not off the hook. You don’t get to blame God for your problems.”
Lila smiled a little at this and Darcy concluded that the same notion had occurred to Lila more than once. “No. I think it means all things are according to a plan that’s so, way bigger than me. That helps me stay centered emotionally when life gets hard to accept.”
“Not a genie in the bottle, exactly?” Darcy asked.
“Don’t I wish.”
“Never hurts to try, right?” Darcy suggested.
Lila laughed with Darcy.
“So what makes you guys work? Oliver is so sweet to you.”
Lila sighed, walking into the craft store and reading signs. “I think it’s learning to say you’re sorry.”
Darcy remembered. She had told Tyler to go away if he couldn’t grow up. Except she hadn’t said it that nicely. Why?
Darcy swallowed and said, “Maybe I should tell him that I’m sorry. About what I said. About how I reacted,” Darcy said.
“Maybe you…just need to let the past be in the past,” Lila said. “Sometimes it’s for the best when we don’t get what we want most.”
Twelve
Darcy
The nursery set was on its way to Lila’s house while the girls were still wandering the center shops in Delafield. The day was too perfect to give up on it. And Darcy knew that Oliver needed more time. If he had the set at the house, that was okay, but it was better if it were completely assembled when Lila strolled into the room, to see her completed nursery, just like she wanted. Perfect, just like she had imagined.
Darcy got a text from Oliver: need at least an hour.
Darcy texted him back: can’t you get help to speed that up?
Oliver’s text: I have help. Working fast.
He has help? Darcy felt her heart flutter, at the thought of his companion from that morning being there, working hard, maybe shirtless. No. Stop. Darcy told herself not to get too enraptured. She didn’t even know his name. How silly was this little fantasy?
Their assembly timeline was potentially problematic and Darcy needed a solution.
Chances she could keep Lila occupied in the center of town longer, as the day was fading into late afternoon, were slim. An hour max. They had been to practically all the stores and were sitting at the coffee house, on a patio seat, people watching and sipping, talking baby names.
On impulse, Darcy sent a text to Tamar, her boss at Swain, about a satellite office. Chicago. Was that still an option?
Then Darcy, heart racing, waited. What was she doing? She didn’t suddenly want to move back, did she? Darcy had planted herself in Dallas. She had friends there. Hang out spots within walking distance from her office and her apartment. It was a great life for a single girl.
Perhaps that was the problem. She didn’t want to be the single girl anymore. She was admitting to herself that she was, after several months of being on her own, that she didn’t want to stay on the single girl train. Freedom, yes. But she was so used to being with someone else that she didn’t quite know how to stay single.
At least, she reasoned, that was half her issue. Darcy wanted to be around Lila more and she hadn’t realized how much she missed her sister until she got back into town and they spent time together.
Twenty minutes flew past as people came and went by. Darcy saw every cute baby gliding past as an icon of life well lived.
“You seem distracted, Darcy girl,” Lila said, sipping her tea and shifting her hip location yet again. “These seats are not the best for momma.”
“I am. Sorry,” Darcy said, setting her phone on the table beside her mostly empty mocha. Chocolate and coffee together. Who could resist such a wonderful union? A connection that was meant to be. Darcy didn’t want much. Just a connection as romantic as coffee and chocolate together, intertwined. Hot or iced, it played nicely, depending on the weather.
<
br /> Text from Oliver: stall. We need more time.
Darcy laughed to herself and texted him back: I can’t exactly come help you, now can I?
She considered asking about his extra hands, to discover if his running partner was there at the house. Did his hand still hurt from that morning? She hoped not. Darcy might want to speed things up with Lila and head home early. She could help him assemble and watch how well he could follow directions.
An ability to follow directions was an important attribute of compatibility. Not an essential bullet point. But important. Winging assembly projects was cute when you were dating, but not after a year together. Idioticy lost its luster after several dates, in most cases.
Lila asked, “Should we get moving?”
Darcy agreed, then realized she had to stall. Best she could. Walk slow. Taking their time and talking Lila into visiting two more stores, Darcy was able to kill another half hour before they reached their cars in the parking lot. Texting Oliver: at the car. Home in ten, tops.
He didn’t respond. Darcy silently hoped he was nearly done or already done. If he were close, that would have to be good enough. Not quite perfect. But that was life. It was Lila’s life. And it certainly was Darcy’s.
Behind the wheel, she got a text back from Tamar: YES. All caps. With a string of starey eyes emojis. Darcy smirked to herself, looking at her phone. Of course. Darcy felt a happy pang and a slight sense of defeat. This felt like caving. Giving in.
She had to give herself a pep talk that she wasn’t moving back for Tyler. She wasn’t about to chase him across the country again. It was about her job, which would be planting an office for Swain in Chicago. Central. Good location. Easy commute for downtown university students. Close enough for future graduates from Indiana and PA schools, maybe even Boston. Tamar had been insisting on a greater need for software developers who could handle and improve the existing algorithm. Tamar had said it was the key to the market so many times their heads hurt. All the data they collected from so many questionnaires didn’t mean anything if the didn’t have the development to make solid parings.
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