Beautifully Broken (The Beautiful series Book 1)

by Tara Lee

  Walking out on Ethan for good this time leaves me more broken than I ever thought I could be. He needs this, I remind myself.

  Ethan was amazing for me, but sometimes even the most amazing things have consequences. My heart told me it was finally time to put us first, I had to walk away. It was the right choice, right?

  God, maybe I’m wrong? I turn around to head back but I turn right back around and keep walking. No, it’s the right choice. Me first, remember.

  I had to make him see that this time I meant it. Even if it shattered my heart into a billion pieces doing so, it’s time Ethan put me first- put us first!

  I cry uncontrollably as I walk home. My legs seem to carry me of their own accord. It's a bit of a walk, but getting on a bus isn’t something I want to do right now. Calling either one of my parents isn’t an option either. Walking will help clear my head.

  My eyes hurt from crying, and my throat feels like sandpaper. The walk home does nothing to calm me. I can barely see where I’m walking at times. My tears take over, and I can’t stop. I’m a mess,- sobbing mess. My face feels puffy.

  When I make it back to the home I grew up in, my heart hurts a little more because it’s where our future began. Ethan will always be here, a little voice whispers.

  My feet are heavy on the steps as I reach to open the front door. Mom’s car is parked out front, but I’m hoping I can hide away in my room without her seeing me.

  I softly close the door and start for my room.

  “Luna, you’re home, baby.” Mom says, startling me.

  I jump and turn toward her voice as if I know she’ll make everything better.

  “Luna, baby ,what’s wrong?” Mom walks toward me and wraps me in her arms.

  And it makes the water works start again. I sob in her arms until I can't sob anymore. Mom sits with me while I cry, just letting me get it out. She rocks me back and forth, running her hand down my cheek, kissing the top of my head. I know she knows the reason for these tears. It's the only reason I cry. Ethan.

  “Did you and Ethan have another fight, sweetheart?” Mom finally asks me after she helps me from the floor.

  “N-no.” My voice breaks. God, I can’t stop the tremble in my voice as I try to tell my mom. I wipe at my eyes, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but it’s no use. I guess my eyes will always be like this from now on.

  “Oh, baby, tell me what’s wrong. Tell me and maybe we can fix it?” She cups my face in her hands, looking into my watery eyes.

  “I-It can’t be fixed, Mom.” I sob, wiping my eyes again. My nose is running like a faucet, and my head throbs from all the crying.

  Mom gets me a glass of water and sits next to me on the sofa. She wraps my hands in hers and smiles at me like only a mother can.

  “Is this about Ethan?” she asks, knowing she’s right.

  I nod and sniff

  “Oh, baby, it’s just a fight. It happens. You and Ethan will sort it out, it’s okay to cry.”

  “Not this time, Mom.” My voice wavers a little. “I broke up with him and I told him it was over.” I sob.

  Mom looks at me because she knows how often Ethan and I break up. It's a regular thing, so this isn’t news to her.

  “For good this time, Mom.”

  She stares at me, still giving me that look.

  “Okay, look some space will do you both some good.” She pats my knee and rubs her thumb over my cheek, wiping away a tear.

  “You're not going to tell me to go and take him back?” I’m confused. Mom is usually the voice of reason. I know she sees good in Ethan. She’s never given up on him, she believes the demons that lie within can be washed away with a lot of love. I tried that approach. My love isn’t enough- it will never be enough.

  She shakes her head and gives me a warm smile. “Is that what you want me to tell you or what you think I should tell you?” she asks.

  I swallow thinking it over.

  “I’m not sure, Mom.” I finally say.

  She sighs and rubs my arm. “Sweetheart, men are difficult, and trust me, Ethan isn’t any easier to handle than any other man, but I’ve seen you handle him just fine all these years and I know that what you did, you did for a good reason.”

  I smile at her. It's weak, but it’s a start at least.

  “I love him, Mom, I just don’t know what to do anymore.” I sigh, rethinking my decision for the hundred thousandth time since walking out of the apartment I spent most of my time in.

  “I know, baby. You have done all you can, now it’s up to Ethan. I know it seems like he’ll never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but trust me, that boy may just surprise you. Give him time, baby, he’ll get right soon enough. It’s just taking him more time than I thought.” She pats my cheek and gives me a kiss there.

  She stands and leaves me to wallow in my thoughts. I don’t know how long I sit and think, but soon enough Daddy’s car drives in, and he stops when he sees me sitting on the sofa.

  “Hey, cupcake, I would have thought you’d be with Ethan?”

  I know Daddy hates that I’m with Ethan, or, well, he used to be, I guess. He found out about Ethan and me by accident and was furious. He thought Ethan took advantage of me. He was warming up to the idea but he wasn’t too keen on the choices Ethan made. But he knows that I can’t shut my heart off. It fell for Ethan hard and fast, and no matter how many times I told myself it was because I hero-worshipped him, I couldn’t make it stop loving him. I guess Mom is right, I will always love him, and until he truly starts living for both of us and not just himself, I have to stay away and give him space to clear his head. Maybe this is the push he needs, the one that will jump start him into action. Because as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

  I finally answer Daddy. “I ended things with Ethan,” I tell him, trying to hold the tears at bay.

  “Oh, cupcake, I’m sorry.” He sits next to me and pats my knee like Mom did earlier.

  I can tell he’s not as heartbroken about it as I am, but he knows how much Ethan means to me.

  “I guess it’s time to finally find the me without Ethan. I’ve gotten so used to being an ‘us’ that I’ve forgotten who the me is.”

  Daddy smiles and kisses the top of my head.

  “Well, cupcake, I think that’s a grand idea.”

  I giggle a little, feeling a little better for the first time today.

  “Of course you do, Daddy you’ve always hated Ethan.” My smile drops after saying that.

  Daddy sighs heavily. “I don’t hate Ethan, Luna, I just hate the choices he’s made. I thought he’d grow out of getting high and acting up, but as he grew older. I could see he was spinning out of control, and no matter what your mother or I did, heck, no matter what you did, none of us could save him from himself. Some time apart will do you both good. You never know, you leaving for real this time may be the best thing for Ethan.” He stands and goes to the kitchen to find Mom.

  I think over what both Mom and Daddy have said and I know deep down they're right. I love Ethan, but sometimes I think he’s holding me back. He isn’t going to change anytime soon, but maybe with time he will. I just hope he doesn’t take too long to be a better version of himself, the one I know deep down is in there. He’s just got to stop hiding behind his pain and set himself free.

  I feel like I’m drowning,— no, suffocating. Nothing helps anymore. The escape isn’t worth it anymore. No matter what I do, the high never seems enough. The pain seizes my entire body. Every thought I have, it ends with that look in Luna’s eyes and the pain written all over her face.

  Losing her for real made me see more clearly, made me realize I’m never meant to be happy. My life is worthless, my existence is meaningless. Why bother living when the one thing I was living for gave up on me? Just like everyone else thinks, I’m scum who doesn’t deserve to be here, doesn’t deserve her. She couldn’t tell that to my face. Walking away was easier.

  I brush my fingers through my wild, untamed ha
ir. Sitting in the dark for the last few hours has made me think. Really think about my life and where it’s headed.

  If I can’t have her and she doesn’t want me, what’s the point of breathing another breath?

  I sip the vodka, the liquid burning the back of my throat. I’m pretty hammered, and the line of coke I did earlier has me on a real buzz, but at the same time it’s opened up my brain to what’s really fucking important, and I don’t make that list. I thought she’d never leave me. She promised to always be here, to always have my back. But where the fuck is she now? Gone, that’s where she is, fucking gone!

  I pop two Xanax to help numb the pain. I’ll never be enough. She was a dream, one I never deserved. Just a fucking dream.

  I know I have a problem but I can quit any time I like, walk away and never look back. I throw the bottle, and it smashes against the wall. Glass shatters everywhere while liquid runs down. Who the fuck am I kidding? This is my coping mechanism. I don’t have a handle on any fucking thing.

  “Fuck” I roar and, pull on my hair, standing abruptly, lifting my mattress, throwing the entire contents on the floor. Picture after picture frame I smash and slam against the wall.

  Everything is fucked. She should be here; this is all wrong.

  I roar out loud like a wild animal until my lungs hurt. Nothing is safe in my path; my entire room is destroyed. My heart fucking hurts, because I know I drove away the one person who actually gave a fuck about me. Everyone else left me.

  “She left me,” I repeat over and over again, pacing back and forth.

  “Luna. '' My voice echoes through the room. I don’t care if the neighbours hear me or if they call the cops. They can shoot me for all I care. Be better than staying here another minute, missing my girl.

  All of a sudden, I rush to the bathroom, grabbing my razor. I pull the blade free and go back to my room. I lie down on the mattress that is now tossed on the floor. I find the photo of Luna, the one we took the first day we moved into our first place. I stare down at her beautiful face, slamming my eyes shut. The pain is unbearable. I’ll never see her face again, never feel how soft her skin is, never see how her face falls when she screams my name.

  I kiss her, whispering. “I love you, baby bird.” One final time.

  I place the photo on my chest and lift the razor, slitting my wrists. It stings like a mother fucker, but I grit my teeth and keep slicing. Blood gushes out, covering me and the mattress. I just need the pain to go away. My head goes fuzzy, and my eyes feel heavy. I'm not sure how much blood I’m losing but I’m feeling sleepy.

  “I love you, Luna.” I say, closing my eyes to the darkness calling my name.

  I wake, startled gasping for air. My throat and body both hurt like hell. I groan as I try to turn. Fuck, what happened?

  “Try to relax Ethan.”

  Lacey’s voice startles me. My eyes find hers as she stands from the chair she was sitting in by the window.

  “What.” My throat clogs up, and I almost choke on air. I cough, unable to help it.

  Lacey hands me a cup of water. I take slow sips and pass it back to her.

  “You don’t remember?” she asks.

  I shake my head, because if I’m being honest, I don’t remember a fucking thing.

  She sighs. “Ethan, you tried to kill yourself.”

  She looks down, and I follow her line of sight. My wrists are covered in bandages. What the fuck did I do?

  I sit back and close my eyes. I swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I remember now. The pain I felt after Luna left, that dull pain that won’t ever leave now that she has. The blade that I held in my hand, the way it sliced so easily through my skin. Blood pouring over my arm then dripping onto the floor.

  “Ethan, darling, I think it’s time to admit you need help.”

  Lacey sits on the end of the bed, and I finally look around. I’m in a bed in the hospital. The stark white walls are dull and boring as fuck.

  Her hand touches my thigh. I look over at her. Tears form in her eyes, and she blinks as they fall.

  I throw my head back on the pillow and take a deep breath, my own tears falling. I shake my head over and over again.

  “Ethan, please, for Luna,” she protests.

  I swallow. My throat catches, I let out a growl. I wipe my face, angry at myself for going through with it. So fucking stupid!

  “She left,” is all I say.

  Lacey smiles beside me. “Oh, sweetheart, you two are destined for each other. There is nothing that will keep you from winning her back.”

  I chuckle.

  “I don’t think it’s that easy, Lace.”

  She pats my hand and smiles.

  “Only time will tell, Ethan. You just need to get better.”

  “I wish it was that easy,” I say through tears. I hate that I’m weak, that I can’t fight the pain I feel every day, that I want to harm myself, to stop it, to drown it all out.

  “Life never is, darling. It's painful, hard, and sometimes it makes you angry. But I know you, and I know how much you care for my daughter.”

  I nod at her words. No truer ones have been spoken.

  “I just want to see her happy, Ethan. Both of you. You deserve some happiness, don’t you think?” She smiles again.

  “I don’t deserve happiness,” I say through clenched teeth.

  She goes to say something, but the door swings open, and Jaxon walks in. I deflate- I kinda hoped it would be Luna.

  “Have you lost your goddamn mind, boy?” Jaxon spits.

  Lacey stands, going to him. She places her hands on his chest as if that will calm him.

  “Jaxon, please,” she pleads.

  The look in his eyes is directed at me -he’s fucking pissed.

  “You want to die, is that it? That’s your big end game?” He walks toward my bed, and Lacey tries to pull him back, but he’s in front of me in two strides and stares down at me.

  “If you think this is what Luna wants, then you’re fucking stupid, Ethan.”

  “She deserves better,” I say.

  “You’re right, she does, so much better,” Jaxon tells me.

  “Jaxon,” Lacey says shocked.

  “What?” he spits as he stares over at her.

  “You're telling me you want this for Luna, you want this life for her?”

  “No, of course not, but that’s not the point,” she says.

  “Oh, please,” he scoffs.

  “Ethan is a screw up, just admit it.”

  Ouch, thanks for the pep talk, Jax.

  “I swear to God, Jaxon, if you say that one more time.” Lacey stands tall. She may be short, but damn the woman is scary when she gets mad.

  He sighs, and his shoulders sink. He places his hands on the end of the bed rail and stares at the floor.

  “Do you regret it?” I ask.

  They both look up at me.

  Lacey looks to Jaxon, and he looks back at her. They share a look between them like they know what I’m asking.

  “I’m a problem, right, one you wish you never took on.” I sink back in the bed and play with the bandage on my wrist. I pick at the material and keep my eyes averted. I already know the answer.

  “Ethan.” Lacey is the first to speak.

  “No, I get it, I’m a huge fucking problem, one you wish Luna never fell for. News flash, I wish she didn’t either. I wish she found someone better, someone more deserving of her love.”

  Jaxon sighs, and I know he’s doing all he can to bite his tongue. Yeah I know, he hasn’t always been my biggest fan, I’m a screw up, a junkie fuck, I’m suicidal, but he never hid how he felt about me being any of those things.

  “I’m a problem, one you wish would go away, because, let’s face it, without me, Luna would move on, eventually, right?”

  “Jaxon.” Lacey tips her head toward me.

  I know she wants him to say something.

  “You wish you hadn’t taken me on. One less bullshit problem to deal with, right? �
�� I sigh.

  Jaxon looks at me now and shakes his head.

  “That’s not it, Ethan.”

  He runs his hand over his face, and I can finally see Jaxon, the man who tried for years to get me on the right path, the man I pushed farther and farther away, all because I was scared of letting another person in.

  “We just want what’s best for you. Life is temporary, but you just need to want to live it,” he says.

  I shake my head.

  “What’s the point?” I close my eyes my head pounds.

  “See, this is what pisses me off,” Jaxon tells me.

  It forces me to open my eyes and look at him.

  “Your attitude, your selfishness to just give up. You’re thinking of yourself and only your fucking self, Ethan. Think about Luna, think about what the fuck this would do to her if you left like that. She’d blame herself.” He seethes, baring his teeth.

  I get it, he is fucking pissed at me for not thinking, but fuck him. He doesn’t realize it’ll never be enough. I can’t escape the pain. The pain tortures me. I'm amazed I’ve lasted as long as I have. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to kill myself, he knows that, Lacey knows that. Not sure why they’re pretending.

  “We’re getting you help, Ethan, and I’ll be damned, if you quit this time, I will fucking kill you myself.” Jaxon walks out.

  Lacey goes to her purse and lifts out some papers.

  “We’re having you admitted, Ethan. This time it’s gone too far. I know you think you don’t have a problem and you can quit whenever you want, but I think it’s time you took Luna’s feelings into consideration.”

  She hands me the papers, and I stare down at them. They’re sending me to rehab. I've gone so low this time. Before, it was just them trying to help me. Now it’s gotten serious.