Now She's Gone: A Novel

by Kim Corum

  I said, ‘It’s a girl thing, Bruce.’

  He nodded. ‘Oh.’

  I sighed, picked up the bag and started out. Damn it! I turned to him and said ‘Listen, I’m sorry. If you want to come, you can come. I’ll tell Elise—’

  ‘No, no, you’ve already got it planned. I don’t want to be a third wheel.’

  “How about a fifth wheel?’

  ‘I was thinking of bicycles, not cars.’

  Damn it. I was feeling so guilty. I said, ‘Well...why don’t you come on?’ knowing full well he wouldn’t.

  He shook his head. ‘Nah. You have a good trip, baby.’

  He leaned over and kissed my cheek. I smiled at him and started out the door.

  He yelled, ‘Hey!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I love you,’ he said, shaking his head.

  Anxiety washed all over me. Oh, shit, I what the hell was I doing? I started to say something but then he turned to leave and something stopped me. ‘I love you, too.’ I grabbed his hand and tiptoed to kiss his cheek. ‘I want you back soon, Bruce. And I mean soon.’

  ‘You’ll have me.’

  ‘I better.’”

  I had watched her leave and then got an idea. I was almost out the door to tell her to wait and that I wanted to go when the phone rang.

  I never would have thought she was going off to meet that bastard. God, what a fool I’d been. I was so pissed off I could have exploded.

  It never even entered my mind that she was fucking around on me. I was such an idiot. A girl like Sandy always had to beat guys off and I just thought she was mine. And she wasn’t. Never really was. She only belonged to herself.

  The fact was it killed me that she meant something to someone else. I couldn’t stand that she had some kind of relationship with that exercise instructor. Maybe a fuck here or there, I could handle. I wouldn’t have liked it. It would have pissed me off, but I could have handled it. But she had a relationship with him. They wouldn’t have taken a weekend trip together if they hadn’t.

  For an entire weekend! A weekend consisted of a lot of time! A lot of fucking time! God only knows what they were doing!

  I knew what they were doing.

  And, she would go run errands. Or she would say she was running errands and she’d be dressed in a pair of shorts and flip flops and it never occurred to me that she was going off to fuck this guy! She was slick!

  She would come back from these “errands” with the shit she was supposed to get. I remembered her coming in with her arms loaded down with stuff. She really knew how to organize her time! She’d come in with her little packages and her twenty dollar shampoos and her nails done and her legs waxed and just grin at me. And, like the good fool I am, I’d grin back, loving the fact that she was mine.

  I was such a stupid fuck.

  I know she was bored and that’s why people have affairs, but that fact didn’t take the sting out of it. And she was bored with me and that gave her reason to do it. I suppose.

  Was she with him? The thought had never occurred to me before now. Had she ran off with him? Was that where she was, shacking up with him? God, if she was, that would really piss me off.

  I fumed for a few more minutes before I picked up the journal again.

  “Hey,

  So this is the way it ended with Peter. He had this nasty little habit of trying to persuade me to leave Bruce. For him, of course. It got to be downright annoying.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God.

  “‘Sandy,’ he said one afternoon. ‘I really think you should leave Bruce.’

  I turned and smiled at him, even though this subject was getting old. ‘Is that so?’”

  But if she wasn’t with him, where was she? Where could she be? I realized I was no closer to finding her than I had been when I first found these journals.

  I would worry about that later. I wanted to see her make this asshole cry. He deserved it. Fucking my wife. Bastard.

  “He nodded and smiled back and inched closer to me. I breathed in his smell and for the first time, I realized it couldn’t go on, not like this. I either had to break it off or leave my husband and I knew all along that wasn’t going to happen, so I said, ‘I’m not leaving Bruce.’

  He got pissed off. ‘Why not?’

  I got up off the bed and started to dress. ‘Peter, I’m going to be honest with you,’ I said, hating myself as I said it. ‘I don’t love you. I do love fucking you, but as far as being in love, no.’

  I thought he was going to explode. ‘You…bitch!’”

  I stopped reading. If that asshole laid one hand on her, I would hunt him down and rip his balls off.

  “I just stood there and felt like so awful. But how else was I going to make him see it wasn’t going to work? I didn’t want to pussyfoot around on the matter. I’d told him from the get-go that all this was to me was a fling. And that I had no intention of leaving my husband.

  He didn’t see it that way. I could just tell from the look in his eye.

  ‘You led me on,’ he told me.

  I just stared at him.

  ‘You used me.’

  ‘So?’ I retorted. ‘You used me, too.’

  ‘You lied.’

  ‘Hold it right there, mister,’ I said and pointed at him. ‘I did not lie to you. I have never lied to you. Don’t go there.’

  He glared at me, his nostrils flaring. I felt so bad that I had incited that kind of rage in him. It made me sick to my stomach to think of him hurting over me. But I couldn’t let it go on. I couldn’t! If it went on, it would have ended more badly than it ended.

  I finished dressing. He watched me from the bed. After I was done, I went to the door, opened it and turned to him, ‘Peter, I’m sorry if you misunderstood me. I never meant to make a fool of you. I never wanted to hurt you. It kills me to see you like this.’

  ‘Then stay with me,’ he said sadly.

  I went over to him, dropped to my knees and stared up at him. He looked down at me.

  I said, ‘Honey, I can’t. You know it’s for the best.’

  ‘No, it’s not, Sandy! It’s not for the best!’

  ‘You had to have known it would end.’

  ‘I hoped you’d change your mind,’ he muttered and looked away from me.

  God, I felt so awful, so lowly. I lied, ‘I considered it. I really, really did. But I can’t leave him. I wish to God I could, but I can’t.’

  ‘You mean you won’t.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel. I can only tell you I can’t let this go on or it’s going to get ugly.’

  ‘Maybe I should tell your husband about us.’

  Panic swept through my body. I didn’t give in to it, though his words scared the shit out of me. ‘If you need to do that, then do it,’ I said, hoping he was bluffing. ‘I won’t stop you.’

  ‘And if he kicks you out?’

  ‘He kicks me out.’

  ‘Will you be with me then?’

  ‘No, I won’t,’ I said.

  His head dropped. Poor baby. I was never doing this again! It was too involved, too much trouble. I didn’t like causing pain or hurt. And Peter was a good guy, he really was. And he didn’t deserve this from me.

  ‘I have to go,’ I said and went to the door.

  He called after me, ‘Don’t call me again.’

  I dropped my head and said, ‘I won’t. Goodbye, Peter.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  I went home and back to my life. I missed him terribly and would find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call him. But I stayed strong. I didn’t do it.

  Oh a happier note, Kelsey called yesterday. She’s on international flights now and isn’t home much so I could have the place to myself most of the time if I wanted to visit. She said she could take some time off and we could go to some clubs and have a really good time. Tempting. Oh, so tempting.

  It’s getting late and I do believe my husband will be home tonight. T
he building is almost complete and maybe, just maybe, we can get on with our lives.

  I’ll write more later.”

  But she hadn’t. That had been her last entry. The last journal. I sorted through them, but that was all of them. It couldn’t be the last one! There had to be more. The dates didn’t add up.

  I grabbed my jacket and headed over to her mother’s house. She had to have some more. She had to.

  Another Dream

  It took forever for her mom to open her front door. I didn’t realize how late it was. I didn’t care.

  “Bruce!” she said and rubbed her eyes. “What is it?”

  I was almost in a panic but then I realized that her mother probably didn’t have any of her journals. What was I doing here? But I had to know where she was. She had to tell me. I said, “You have to tell me where she is!”

  She stared at me with such sympathy. “Come in.”

  I followed her to the kitchen. She told me to sit down and that she would fix us some tea. I sat and she fixed some tea. She didn’t say one word as she did so. I didn’t either. We never tried to make small talk. We always had a strictly a son-in-law, mother-in-law relationship. We liked each other well enough to tolerate one another. And that was about it.

  She handed me the tea. “This will make you feel better.”

  I shrugged. “Where is she, Liz? Please tell me. I can’t take it anymore.”

  She studied me and patted me on the back. “Bruce, I don’t know. All I know is she’s somewhere out there. She called me once the day she left and told me she was going. And that’s all I’ve heard from her. I miss her as much as you do.”

  “She didn’t tell you?”

  She shook her head. “I know I haven’t always been the best mom, so I can understand.”

  “Did she tell you why?”

  “Why?” she asked and shook her head.

  “Why she left me?”

  She shook her head again. “No.”

  “She didn’t?”

  “No. All she said was she was okay and she wanted to be on her own for a while. Nothing else.”

  I stared at the wall.

  “She’s like her daddy, Bruce. They’re wanderers. They have to keep on the move or they’ll go crazy. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked and wiped my eyes.

  “Restless. They’re restless. Never satisfied with anything for any time at all. Want more, they always want more and when they don’t get it, they go somewhere else to find it.”

  “I gave her everything.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, you did. You were really good to her.”

  “She didn’t love me, did she?”

  “Why, I reckon she loved you more than anything, Bruce. Her only problem is she loves herself more. And that’s just the way she is. Can’t really fault her for it.”

  I swallowed hard.

  She patted my hand. “Now go home and get some rest. You look like hell.”

  * * * * *

  Another dream. Not so bad.

  I woke up in my dream, on the bed. Sandy came in with a thermometer. She smiled at me, sat down and stuck it in my mouth. I tried to say something. She shook her head and said, “Wait.”

  I waited.

  She took it out, shook it and said, “This thing is broke. Let me get another one.”

  She started to stand but I pulled her back down.

  “Lay with me. I don’t feel good.”

  She complied and we spooned. I smiled.

  She said softly, “I hear you’re mad at me.”

  I pushed my face into her hair. “Don’t go.”

  She didn’t reply.

  “I love you so much, Sandy. Please don’t leave me.”

  “Shh. Let’s go to sleep.”

  I awoke hugging her pillow.

  * * * * *

  There he was. That Peter guy. Outside the gym. A few women walked with him, laughing and touching his arm. He made me sick.

  He got into his sports car and pulled out. I followed him in my SUV. I followed him through all the heavy traffic, onto the interstate and headed out towards the suburbs. I followed him there, to his house. It was a long drive.

  I parked on the street and watched him get out of his car. I got out of mine and grabbed the bottle of vodka I’d bought. I walked over to the driveway.

  “Hey!” I called.

  He looked over at me and his eyes narrowed. He knew who I was. Just like I knew who he was.

  “Yeah?” he asked with agitation.

  I held up the bottle. “Let me buy you a drink.”

  He eyed me and nodded. “Come on in.”

  I followed him in and we went into his kitchen. It was nice house, smaller than ours, but nice. I liked the wood flooring.

  We sat at the table and stared at each other, then he said, “What’s in the sack?”

  I pulled out the vodka and handed it to him. He took it, nodded and got up to retrieve two glasses from the cabinet. He poured us a shot and said, “I wondered when you’d find me.”

  “Oh?”

  He nodded and pushed my glass towards me with his glass. “Cheers.”

  “Cheers,” I said and took the shot and put the glass back down on the table. “I guess you want to know what I’m doing here.”

  He eyed me. “I know why you’re here.”

  I guess he did.

  He shrugged. “I’m not seeing your wife anymore.”

  “I know that.”

  He poured another shot and said, “I kinda figured you did.”

  “You know she left, don’t you?”

  His eyebrows shot up for an instant, then went back down. “Umm. Where did she go?”

  “I was hoping you might know.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know shit.”

  I should have thought this out more. I knew then that I shouldn’t have come here. He didn’t want to see me any more than I wanted to see him. And he didn’t know where she was.

  “How’d you find out about us?” he asked. “She tell you?”

  “No.”

  He nodded. “Sounds like her.”

  I stared at him. “If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think you’re holding a grudge against her.”

  “I guess am.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I guess because my life is really fucked up now.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that.

  He shrugged. “It wasn’t just over Sandy. It was over a lot of things.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Well, thanks. I guess.”

  I blurted, “I found some of her journals. You were in them.”

  “Oh, so I got a mention?” he said and nodded to himself. “And here I was thinking she didn’t give a shit about me.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I don’t think I do either,” he said.

  “You think I’m weird, don’t you? Reading her stuff?” I paused and thought about it and added, “Maybe I am weird.

  “Nah,” he said. “I understand.”

  “I think I was a bad husband.”

  He poured us another shot and said, “You’re probably not the first and you won’t be the last bad husband, so give yourself a break.”

  I took the shot. “Mind if I smoke?”

  He shook his head and got me an ashtray. I held the pack out to him and he took one and we sat there smoking for a minute.

  He said, “Sandy used to say that none of us were cut out for it—marriage, monogamy. Or as she put it, monotony.”

  I grimaced.

  He went on, nonetheless, “I mean, she said in cave man days women would sleep with whatever man brought her meat and the men would sleep with the women to procreate. She said we really weren’t that evolved when you got right down to it. We just pretend we are.”

  “She never told me that.”

  “Well, we didn’t have a lot of time to talk,” he said and s
tared at the cigarette in his hand. “But when we did, she always had something interesting to say.”

  That comment two days ago would have sent me into a jealous rage. Now it made me sad. “What were you to her?” I asked.

  “Just some guy she was fucking.”

  I stared at him.

  “What do you want me to tell you? That I took her over the edge? That I used her?”

  I looked away.

  “I’ll tell you anything you want. I could care less what you think of me.”

  “Why you?” I asked.

  “I was a warm body, I suppose,” he said menacingly. “If not me, someone else. Don’t you get it?”

  I got it.

  He looked away. He was obviously hurting. “I asked her to leave you. Nine months ago.”

  I already knew this. I swallowed hard and said, “And?”

  “And we’re sitting here now, ain’t we?”

  I sighed.

  “You were the lucky guy, Bruce.” He picked up his drink. “She might have loved me, but I think we all know she loved you more.”

  I wasn’t so sure of that.

  He finished his drink and set the glass on the table, then pushed it away and said, “Did you get your building done?”

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, I always thought it would be over when you were done. And I guess I was right. That was it. I should have known. Yeah, maybe I did use her, but she used me, too.”

  “You sound pissed off.”

  “I am pissed off.”

  “Believe me, I know how you feel,” I said and cleared my throat.

  “Look, I’m sorry, man, but if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.”

  I cleared my throat again.

  He grabbed his glass, stared into it and muttered, “Except maybe the last part.”

  “Umm…”

  “Is that what you came for?” he asked, still looking into the glass.

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Well, I don’t know shit. I didn’t see her at all once she cut me loose,” he said. “I do know she left or ran off or whatever the fuck she did. But she didn’t tell me anything. I heard it from her friend Elise. You know Elise?”