Lauren Ipsum: A Story About Computer Science and Other Improbable Things

by Carlos Bueno

  “Hold on, dear, hold on! One thing at a time. First let’s look up your name.” She opened the heavy book and started to scan the pages with her finger, letter by letter.

  “E . . . E . . . Ah, E! Here we go.”

  It was painfully slow.

  “P . . . P . . . E-P! . . . E-P-O . . . E-P-O . . . no.”

  Jane closed the book with a thump.

  “Sorry, not on the List.”

  “What?”

  “You’re not on the List, dear. There are Es, and E-Ps, but there are no names that start with E-P-O. If the start of your name isn’t on the List, there’s no reason to keep looking for the rest of it, now is there? It’s only logical.”

  “But her—my name must be on the List! She’s a great—I mean, I am—” Laurie sputtered.

  “Are you a foreigner? I bet your name is spelled differently where you come from. That can happen, especially with foreigners. Why don’t we try again?”

  Maybe she did have an account after all. “Is it under ‘Laurie Ipsum’?”

  “Let me see.” Fllliiiip! “L . . . L . . . L! A . . . U . . . R . . . I . . . Nope. Not here, but I’m sure we’ll find it.”

  “It could be spelled Lauren Ipsum.”

  “L . . . A . . . U . . . R . . . E . . . No, not that way either.” “Uh, Hugh . . . Rustic?”

  “H . . . H . . . H! H-U-G-H R-U-S-T-I-C. Ah, there you are.”

  “Great!”

  “I’m so glad we could find you!” Jane said. “Your name is spelled quite a few different ways, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I guess it is. Thanks!” Laurie turned to go inside.

  Jane held her back with a surprisingly strong grip.

  “Your password, dear?”

  “Oh! Is it ‘Rustic’?”

  “No.”

  “Turtle?”

  “No.”

  “Algorithm?”

  “A . . . L . . . No.”

  “Good Enough?”

  “No.”

  Laurie was stumped. “Now what?” she whispered to Xor. “She doesn’t care if I try every word in the dictionary. But we’ll be here all month!”

  “I have an idea,” Xor whispered back. “Try ‘Abstraction.’”

  “What is that? I don’t even—”

  “My third cousin is a Thesaurus. Trust me!”

  “Is it Ab-stract-tion?” Laurie asked Jane.

  “A . . . B . . . S . . . No, dear.”

  “‘Trust me,’ huh?” Laurie said to Xor.

  “Come to think of it, I never liked that cousin.”

  “Hey . . . did you notice something?”

  “Is it dinner time already?” Xor asked hopefully.

  “No! When I said ‘Turtle,’ she said no right away,” Laurie said.

  “So? It’s not the password,” Xor said.

  “But when I said ‘Algorithm,’ she took longer to say no. And with Abstraction, she took a little longer than that, moving her finger over the page . . .” Laurie cleared her throat and spoke to Jane. “Is the password, um, About?”

  “A . . . B . . . O . . . No.”

  “See?” she whispered.

  “Okay, but what does it mean?”

  “Maybe it means the real password starts with AB! So if we keep guessing AB words . . .”

  Letter by letter they cracked Rustic’s password. It was difficult for Laurie to think of words that started with the right letters. She did not know many of the words Xor told her to try, but he swore they were real, on the honor of Thesauruses everywhere. She knew they were getting warmer because Jane would take longer and longer to say no.

  “Abend!”

  “A . . . B . . . E . . . No,” Jane replied.

  “Abdicate!”

  “A . . . B . . . D . . . No.”

  “Abrogate!”

  “A . . . B . . . R . . . O . . . No.”

  “It starts with ABR!” Laurie whispered to Xor. “Abrupt!”

  “A . . . B . . . R . . . U . . . No.”

  “Abraid!”

  “A . . . B . . . R . . . A . . . I . . . No.”

  “We’re getting close,” Xor said in her ear. “What starts with ABRA?”

  “Abracadabra?” Laurie said out loud.

  “A-B-R-A-C-A-D-A-B-R-A!” said Jane. “That’s the password, right as rain. Welcome to Probability!”

  Chapter 11. A Fair Exchange

  The first thing Laurie tried to do in Probability was buy a muffin, but her strange money wasn’t any good. Nobody wanted her “Quarter Dollars.” Nobody wanted any algorithms, either.

  “Message for you!” A red daemon carrying a mailbag appeared out of nowhere on the street.

  “For me?” Laurie said.

  “You don’t see me talking to anyone else, do you?”

  The daemon handed Laurie an envelope and walked away, and once the note was out of the envelope, Xor made short work of the gibberish in Colonel Trapp’s latest message. This one was shorter and more useful than the last.

  LAURIE, YOU CONTINUE TO SURPRISE ME. I WONDER IF A BANK CAN HELP WITH YOUR MONEY PROBLEMS. COL. TRAPP

  After reading the Colonel’s suggestion, Laurie remembered a building she’d walked past earlier: the Fair Coin Savings & Loan. She rushed back there and stepped inside to find it looked just like banks back home.

  “Why are we at a bank?” asked Xor.

  “Because I’m getting hungry. It’s almost dinner time.”

  “Finally. But you can’t eat money!”

  “I can’t spend my money either, which means no food. Fair Coins are all anyone takes around here!”

  Laurie walked up to the teller window and put everything money-like she had on the counter: a few dollar bills, three quarters, a penny, a dime, and her lucky poker chip.

  “Excuse me, sir?”

  “Yes?” The teller was a tall, thin man with round glasses. A little card said his name was Trent Escrow.

  “I’m from a foreign country and I want to know what these are worth.”

  “Hmm! I’ve never seen these coins before! And what are these fancy little pieces of paper supposed to be?”

  “That’s money, too. One dollar,” Laurie said.

  “Money made of paper,” Trent said. “How strange! They are very pretty, but I’m sorry to say they are worthless here.”

  “Oh no, really? Why?”

  “You can’t flip a piece of paper fifty-fifty, now can you? But these coins are remarkable,” he said, examining the poker chip carefully and flipping it a few times.

  “Are they worth anything?”

  “Well, they look pretty balanced to me. But they aren’t certified Fair, so no one will take them at face value.”

  “Tinker said the same thing, but I don’t understand,” said Laurie. “Where I come from, you can flip quarters fifty-fifty, no problem.”

  “Ah, but one side might be a little different from the other,” Trent said, “so it might not be exactly even.”

  “Really?”

  “Surely. The unfairness shows up better if you spin the coin instead of flipping it. That’s how we test all of our Fair Coins.”

  “So my coins are worthless too?”

  “Not quite. I can give you an exchange rate: two of your coins for one Fair Coin.”

  “Why two to one?” she asked.

  “Good question!” Trent said. “Most people don’t know this, but it’s possible to get absolutely Fair flips out of even the most unfair coin.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Here, let me show you.” Trent reached into his drawer and handed her a large, heavy coin. “This is a fake Fair Coin. It looks just like a real one, doesn’t it? But it’s easy to tell it’s fake because it comes up Heads a lot more than Tails.”

  “So how do you get a fair flip?” Laurie asked.

  “Just flip it twice. If you get Heads-Tails, use Heads as your answer. If it comes up Tails-Heads, use Tails as your answer. If you get Heads-Heads or Tails-Tails, just start over.”
/>   H + T = Heads

  T + H = Tails

  H + H = Start over

  T + T = Start over

  “Oh, I see. The unfairness cancels itself out!”

  “Right you are. No matter how unfair a coin is, the odds of getting Heads then Tails will always be exactly the same as getting Tails then Heads.”

  Trent Escrow solemnly exchanged Laurie’s five coins and lucky poker chip for three Fair Coins.

  “And that’s why the rate is two to one.”

  “Thank you!” Laurie rushed outside to catch the baker before he closed. Dinner!

  Chapter 12. An Improbable Twist

  As Laurie ran out of the bank, a fat policeman grabbed her by the collar. “Got you!” he said. “Why are you running? Did you rob the bank, too?”

  “What? Who are you? Let me go!” Laurie yelled.

  “I’m Officer Custody, and you are in big trouble,” the policeman said. “Lauren Ipsum, if that is your real name, I arrest you on charges!”

  “What charges? What are you talking about?”

  “That doesn’t matter!” Custody shouted in Laurie’s ear, shaking her around. “Charges!”

  “Ow! But what charges?” Laurie repeated. The officer’s hold on her was painful. People on the street were starting to point and stare. If there ever were a time Laurie wished she could disappear like a Steganosaurus, it was now!

  “You’re going to be difficult? Let’s do it nice and proper, if you insist!” Custody took out a roll of paper and cleared his throat.

  “Lauren Ipsum, you are hereby under arrest for Attempted Mythology, Counterfeiting Fair Coins, two counts of Impersonating a Composer, Hacking in the Third Degree, and Miscellaneous Mopery with Intent to Creep!”

  “Let me go! You’re the creep!” Laurie tried to twist away, but his grip was too strong. Just then, a shout rang out from the crowd.

  “Hey, Custody! Why are you beating up on little girls?”

  A tough-looking woman stepped forward to confront the policeman. She wore big boots, black gloves, and an eyepatch in the shape of a heart.

  “This isn’t a girl, Losesome. This is a dangerous criminal! She broke through our perimeter security,” Custody said.

  “You mean Jane, that little old lady at the gate?” the woman asked.

  “Officer Hecate, yes!”

  “Come on, Custody. Jane isn’t hard to fool. Last week I told her I was Santa Claus.” People in the crowd chuckled.

  “That’s beside—”

  “And what the heck is ‘Attempted Mythology’?” the woman interrupted. “I think you just made that up.”

  “What? I—”

  “How do you even know you have the right person?”

  “She matches the description!” Custody insisted.

  “Really? She doesn’t look like Santa Claus to me!”

  “No,” he said. “She matches the description of the hacker who came through this afternoon!”

  “So you are saying a child was able to get through all of your super-duper security?” the woman said, arching an eyebrow skeptically.

  “Well—”

  “Anyway, this girl is my assistant.”

  By now Custody was thoroughly confused. “This little . . . she works for you?”

  “Of course. She’s helping me test the security of this place. And if a child can run circles around you . . .” She shook her head. “Let’s just say, it doesn’t look good.”

  “But you’re—”

  The woman said nothing. She only smiled, showing a lot of teeth.

  Custody was suddenly sweating. He let go of Laurie and pulled out a handkerchief.

  “Hey, now, it was an honest mistake! I didn’t know she worked for the Col—um, you.”

  “Well, now you do. And now we’re leaving. Come on, Laurel.” The woman took Laurie by the arm and walked away, head held high.

  “Let’s just walk away slowly,” the woman whispered. “When we turn the corner, try to make it to the marina before Custody starts using his brain instead of his mouth.”

  As soon as they were out of Custody’s sight, they broke into a run.

  “That was great! But my name is Laurie, not Laurel.”

  “Close enough. I’m Winsome Losesome.”

  “It’s nice to meet you! Thank you for helping me! I didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

  “Don’t mention it. I was leaving town anyway. And I really don’t like that guy. He’s a dumb bully.”

  At the marina, Winsome jumped aboard a boat and went to work getting it ready to depart. “Come on! Hop on,” she called to Laurie.

  “Whose boat is this, Winsome?”

  “It’s my boat, the Doppelganger. Get that other rope for me, would you?”

  “Wow, how did you get a boat? Are you a pirate?”

  “I’m a lot of things, girl.” Winsome said. “As for the boat, I kind of stole it. But I stole it honestly!”

  “How can you steal something honestly?” Laurie was afraid that she was getting into even more trouble.

  “I used to be a deckhand on this boat,” she said. “The Boss made me do all of the dirty work. ‘Losesome, replace the main mast!’ he’d say. ‘Put a new rigger on the widdershins!’”

  Winsome unfurled the sail.

  “But secretly, I was saving all the old parts I replaced. They were going to the trash anyway, so might as well keep them, right? Once I collected enough pieces, I quit, and then I put them back together into a boat. Boss never found out, either! The boat he has is all replacement parts. A copy. I have the real one.”

  “But—” Laurie began.

  “Think about it later, sweetie? We’re busy running from the Law.”

  Winsome had a point. Laurie untied the rope, and they cast off into the moonless night.

  Chapter 13. The Game of Life

  The Doppelganger sailed out of Probability Bay and far away from Laurie’s troubles. She risked a peek over the side of the boat and caught a beautiful surprise.

  “Winsome! Look at that!”

  In the wake of the boat, glowing sparkles lit up the water. Blue and green curlicues danced behind them as the waves fanned out.

  “Oh, yeah. Those are called gliders. Pretty, aren’t they?”

  “They’re beautiful! What makes them glow?” Laurie asked.

  “When you stir up the water, they glow and form patterns. You can only see them on a dark night like this.”

  “Wow! I’ve never seen anything like this!”

  “Want to see something really cool?” Winsome dipped a shallow pan into the water and set it on a bench. After it settled down, she traced a little figure in the water.

  The glowing dots came alive and wiggled around the pan a few times before fading away.

  “How do they move like that?” Laurie asked. “Are they really alive?”

  “I don’t think so. It’s just a pattern that looks alive. There are supposed to be some rules about how the glow moves around, but I never paid attention. Maybe you can figure it out.”

  Winsome went back to minding the ship’s wheel. Laurie played with making more gliders, pretty waves, and curls. Xor tried to bite the glowing squiggles as they wriggled by, but all he caught was a mouthful of water.

  Laurie got good at finding patterns that skittered through the water for longer and longer, but eventually, she grew restless.

  “Winsome, where are we going?”

  “We’re headed for Abstract Island,” Winsome replied. “I have some deliveries to make. We should get there by morning.”

  “Abstract Island? That isn’t on my map,” Laurie said.

  “I bet a lot of things aren’t on your map, girl.”

  “You mean the map is not the territory?”

  “Eh? Who told you that?” Winsome asked.

  “Colonel Trapp. He sent me a really strange letter.”

  “Oh, him.”

  “Do you know Colonel Trapp?”

  “He’s a crazy old man,” Winsome said
. “Always messing around in other people’s business. Sending those rude daemons with his stupid secret messages.”

  “The secret messages were fun. Xor figured out how to—”

  “Be careful with the Colonel, Laurie. I’m pretty sure he was the one trying to get you thrown in jail.”

  “Who is he?” Laurie asked.

  “He’s my—he was my boss,” said Winsome. “This was his mail boat. Until I copied it. We . . . disagree about how to do business, so I struck out on my own.”

  “You had a fight with him?”

  “Well, yes,” Winsome said.

  “What did you fight about?”

  “He wants things to stay just the way they are. I . . . don’t.”

  “Oh,” said Laurie. Something about Winsome’s voice told Laurie not to ask her more about the fight. They were quiet for a time, watching the sky and water.

  “The Colonel’s right about one thing,” Winsome said softly.

  “What’s that?”

  “A map is just a picture. It’s not the real thing. If someone forgets to put Abstract Island on a map, the Island still exists. It doesn’t care what you know.”

  “No one in Userland said anything about islands,” Laurie said.

  “The people back there don’t know much about the world outside. That’s the way the Colonel likes it. Userland is an island. It’s a whole world of islands.”

  Laurie didn’t like what she was hearing. “But Winsome, I have to follow my map to get back home.”

  “Do you?”

  “Yes!”

  “Why?”

  “That’s what everyone told me to do,” Laurie said.

  “That’s not a good enough reason,” Winsome said.

  “It isn’t?” People told Laurie what to do all the time. She didn’t always do what they said, of course, but she usually felt bad about it.

  “No! You should always know why you are doing something,” said Winsome, “and not just because someone told you to do it. Keep your head on and be flexible, girl. Otherwise, you’re like those little gliders, going wherever people send you.”