by Criss Copp
We’re sitting in front of a tiny little cafe. Mum is eating a blueberry muffin, actually, she’s picking at it, and she’s sipping on a flat white sitting in front of her.
I’ve gone for a cappuccino, a mug; and Jade is drinking a chai latte.
“Tell me about yourself.” My Mum enthuses, looking Jade directly in the eye and not giving her room to skirt around the request.
“Okay... if you ask a question Sabrina, I’ll answer to the best of my ability!” she smiles back. I note that I have been excluded from this conversation... by both of them. Mum through body language, and Jade through ignoring me, and pointedly giving my Mum permission to ask questions only.
“How old are you?” Mum asks.
“25.” Jade answers. So she’s two years younger than me; no, I’ll be 28 soon, so three years younger.
“Are you an only child?” Mum asks.
“No, I have a younger brother.” She answers. I knew this, but I don’t know anything about him except he’s a bit of a hot head.
“Do you see your parents much?” Mum enquires. I hold my breath for this one; Paul told me she’s been looking after her brother since she was 19.
“They died when I was 19.” She explains softly.
“Oh... dear, I’m sorry.” Mum replies, mortified.
“It’s okay... keep going. It’s easier to talk about myself when someone is asking direct questions.” She responds.
“Okay...” Mum swallows a sip of flat white. She’s momentarily thrown; she wasn’t expecting that. I’m a bit sad for Jade, I know what it feels like to lose a parent, and here I am going through it again, even as we sit and drink coffee... just like everything’s okay!
“How long have you been a nurse?” Mum asks, back on track.
“Fifteen months.” She says. Well, that’s got my interest, what did she do before that?
“What did you do before becoming a nurse?” Mum asks. Thanks Mum!
“I worked in a bar on Darby Street. Unfortunately, when Mum and Dad died, I had to leave full time uni and work to raise my teenage brother. I continued part time uni, and eventually finished my degree.” She explains smiling.
She’s a good woman; she sacrificed herself for her brother. Damn, she keeps on making it harder and harder for me to look at other women and think they’ll ever hold a candle to her. It kind of makes me angry, because she’s ruining other women for me, and at the same time not giving me the time of day!
“I’m assuming you haven’t made any time for boyfriends then.” Mum states.
“No.” She replies, looking directly at me for the first time. Her eyes are tinged in what I can only describe as sadness. It is the sincerest emotion she’s ever allowed me to see. I can’t help but open my stupid fucking mouth and ruin the moment.
“So you’re a virgin then. No wonder you keep playing hard to get.” I spew out. Oh God... I need to filter!
“I am not!” she replies, like the thought of being a 25 year old virgin is repulsive.
“Oh... I s’pose working in a bar would’ve helped with one night stands then.” I grin at her, and give a creepy waggle of my eyebrows.
Mum has sat back into her wheelchair and stopped her conversation, in order to allow my rancid comments to develop. I wonder how far I can go before even she reigns me back in. Looking quickly at her; I’m thinking not far... I’ve started off my run of stupidity in the hardcore category! Sorry Mum, she’s pissing me off... it’s the only way she notices me!
“I haven’t had one night stands since I was forced to become responsible!” she seethes, before she realises what she’d said and gasps.
“So, you have a naughty little streak in you?” I ask, shifting in my seat to make my jeans more comfortable.
“You are unbelievable!” she says, rising and stomping over to me. She grabs the back of my shirt and reefs it up. “Get up!” she requests.
I do, and she drags me away from my mother a few metres.
“What is your problem?” she asks.
“You, you’re my problem!” I bite. I put more vehemence in that short sentence than I had intended, and now suddenly I’m even more pissed off. I’ve been making it obvious that I’m interested, and she’s been rude! Which has made me behave rudely!
“How am I your problem, fuckface?” she growls.
“Fuckface? Is that an invitation to fuck my face, or have me fuck yours?” I return heatedly.
“How do you make insults into seventies porn come-ons? You’re a freak show of twisted innuendo!” she reasons angrily.
“I know who I am princess, but do you know who you are?” I coldly throw at her. “I like teasing you, because I think you can handle it; and it breaks up my fucking horrible time, watching my Mum, my only parent left after my Dad died, die!” I forcefully spit out. I didn’t really realise it till now, but it’s the honest to goodness truth. I have never spoken to a woman the way I do with her.
“You don’t have to act like an arsehole though, in front of your Mum!” she reasons.
“I don’t hide myself for my Mum’s sake; she knows what I’m like.” I growl. My jeans are getting increasingly uncomfortable... I’m incredibly aroused by this situation. Fighting with this woman has me wanting to kiss her; in fact it’s all I can think of at the moment now that I have acknowledged it.
Jade.
“You should fucking show some respect regarding your mother!” I argue.
“I show a tremendous amount of respect whenever you aren’t around; which fortunately for me is most of the time. You have the ability to murder every little shred of decency I have within me, just by being in my presence!” he replies angrily, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another. We’re close to each other now... very close; so our insults remain between us, and not out into the street, or back to the table.
Our banter normally continues along a predictable path, but for some reason he’s fired up and there’s nothing at all predictable about this.
“Let me help you with that you hairy handed arse licker!” I offer, turning swiftly to leave.
And then it happens. Ben blocks my exit with his arm, by positioning his palm on the wall beside my head and locking his elbow. I go to duck under it, but he’s already pushing me up against the wall and pushing his body into mine. Before I can formulate my next move in my mind, I feel his mouth on mine.
There’s nothing sweet about this kiss; only fire, passion and extreme desire. He’s holding nothing back as he devours my mouth and I for some unknown reason, allow him to; returning the fierce passion. Oh, yeah... I haven’t been kissed in years! That’s probably it!
His lips are pressing hard on mine, his mouth is moving in precisely the right rhythm for me, and his tongue tastes the roof of my mouth, my tongue and my soul. I return his thrusting tongue with my own; and he grabs it in his teeth before he sucks on it with just enough suction for it to produce tingles all over my body. And when I think about those tingles spreading across my skin, my breasts, my stomach and along the inside of my thighs; I recognise the erection he has pressed up against my mound.
Ben.
This is torturous bliss. I have never felt this much desire for a woman, period! My hands have remained above her head, and my elbows are pressed up against the stucco wall beside her face. My body holds her in place by pressing hard into her. Her hands are hanging from the inside of my elbows, held into place by my biceps meeting my forearms, and she’s devouring me and following me into oblivion. I’m semi aware of our surroundings, but I can’t seem to drum up any necessary will to stop; not when I need her, not when she returns the passion and fire. This all consuming desire cannot be confused with lust. And now I know she feels it too! It is intense; it’s the need to connect... soul to soul! She has what I need; she has everything I need.
My tongue dips again and again into her mouth and swirls around to dance with hers; we groan into each other’s mouth, she pries her hands from my temporary hold, and she moves them seductively dow
n my sides and then has them pressed against my arse, pulling me into her. I push harder into her as a result, and I can feel her breasts cushioning between our chests and my erection straining to be set free and then guided inside her. I pull my hands down from the wall and place them on either side of her face, trapping her there, demanding more of her kiss. My body is aching need! My heart is pounding and my desperation to have this woman has reached record levels of necessity. I feel like a sun... at risk of burning itself out if she can’t give me the fuel I require. Six months of denying myself a lover, first because I was focussed on my mother, and then because of her... I’m drowning; I know she can feel this, but will she continue to fight me?
Jade.
Consuming and desperate need is burning a pathway through me, pooling in my pelvis; and I need him to crawl inside my body... entirely inside, like he could be buried within me. My sexual denial is just ludicrous; this man has me body and soul right here, right now, and there’s simply no denying the attraction any more. I’m seriously feeling destroyed... blown apart, like stardust in a distant sky... floating and inconsistent! I feel his arse in my hands, and I feel his erection straining between us. I momentarily, giddily ponder what his mother must think about the view.
And then it all comes crashing down.
My breathlessness is causing my chest to scream at me... my brain is kicking into gear and kicking my arse. My eyes snap open and my hands let go and grab his hoodie in great handfuls at his sides as I attempt to pull him off me.
He realises something is wrong and stops kissing me, but he’s still pressed up to me and breathing rapidly and as hard as I am. I can feel his hammering heart striking his chest between us. I can see the bewildered look in his eyes... since he’s still lost in me, and he’s unable to contemplate my imminent departure.
I can’t talk, I can barely function... I have to move and move now, because I’m fighting between the feeling of falling in love with him and the mortification I feel for allowing him to force my heart to care for him so completely in front of the current audience... his Mum!
My shaking arms are trying to push him away, and he’s not able to comprehend my desire to leave. He isn’t saying anything either.
He takes a slight step back, and it’s enough for me to get my arms between us and attempt to lever his body away from me. I haven’t even realised I’ve started crying till I feel his hands start to wipe the hot tears from my face... a caring gesture that I simply cannot allow. I can’t look at his mother; I’m completely mortified at my actions and my recognition of my intense feelings for him. I finally lever myself from between him and the wall, and turn to leave. He grabs my hand and tries to delay me, but I have to go; I have to leave and try to contain the parts of me he has healed and then torn asunder in our acknowledgement of desire. I turn and slap him across the face before fleeing, and the look he gives me as I run is one of complete devastation!
Chapter Nine: Discovery
Ben.
When Jade ran off after our kiss, it completely shattered me. At one moment I was floating in a sea of molten lava and divine passion, and the next I’m being slapped with the cold hard hand of reality.
In the two weeks since that day, I’ve wanted to hate her, I’ve wanted to face her and scream at her for breaking my heart and rendering me useless for all other women for the foreseeable future. I’ve wanted to hurt her for hurting my Mum. But most importantly, I wanted to find her and kiss her again before making love to her.
The gym has felt empty without her.
I turned 28 last week, and I didn’t feel like celebrating, which fucking sucked! Because Mum did for once! But for me it felt like just another God damn day at the office!
My soul has felt lost because the connection we sealed with that kiss was left broken and bleeding.
I have previously kissed so many other women and never felt remotely what I felt when I kissed her... I think she broke me, I think she stole something from me that only she can fix.
I have shared much more of my body with many other women; physical intimacy has never been an issue with me; but I have never before shared the essence of me with someone and handed my heart over in complete abandonment; like I did with her in that moment, a complete intimacy and soul baring revelation that she simply turned away and ran from.
Paul hasn’t seen her, she has simply vanished from sight. When I go to the gym tomorrow I expect that once again I will be disappointed.
Mum actually cried all the way home. It broke the fragments left of my shattered heart and rendered me speechless to see her that way.
Mum keeps telling me she’ll be back. Mum is certain that fate has intervened for us to find each other, because such wanton desperation and soul destroying desire cannot remain apart. Mum’s a romantic, she reads too many Harlequin romances. This is not another Sabrina and Ben (my Dad) story.
I note that Mum’s always eager to hear how my gym workout went when I return from it. I can see she’s aged since we lost Jade. I say lost and we, because now I realise that Mum wanted to see me fall in love with someone before she died. She wants to see me settled with someone that will care for me when she’s gone. She wants to know that I’m in good hands before she departs from my life.
Now she’s broken hearted too, because the only woman that can possibly hold a candle to that has simply vanished.
I still have my connection with the guys at MMA, and Silas has proved to be a good friend. He convinced me to buy an Xbox360; I already have one at home in LA; but then once I was online, he began meeting me in the inner space of the gaming sphere and warring with me into the night on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends.
It’s pretty pathetic, when your social world consists of looking forward to weekends in front of a television, playing war games with someone ten years your junior.
Silas asked me last night while we were online why I’m not out there attempting to tap some pussy; I told him that I’m cradling a broken heart, thinking he’d scoff at that and make me feel like a dickhead. But he didn’t. He actually told me that that sucked balls and that if he could do anything for me, anything at all... I’d only have to ask!
***
“Seb,” I shout out, “You keep leaving yourself open on your left side! You’ve got to close off the openings by putting your arm in this position!” I explain, showing him his error, “Or you can lean your body away and place extra weight on your right foot so you can lure your opponent in and then deliver a defensive blow with your left leg!” I explain, showing him by having Silas come at me but not being able to complete his move because I effectively give him a decent kick in the head with my left foot.
“It’s not an easy manoeuvre,” Seb states, “Because Beau can grab my leg and tip me.” He grumbles.
“That’s why you need to either finish the move by slamming your foot down or twisting away!” I explain, displaying the move with Silas again. “Seb, you’ve got a nice high kick on you, this should be fairly easy for you.” I say.
He’s nodding; Beau’s beginning to unwrap his bandages from his hands, and Silas notices the movement and begins to do the same.
I look at the clock, its 10:12pm. I tell them all that they’ve put in a good effort tonight and start packing up.
“You know how you were complaining about those headphones you have?” Silas asks coming over to me wearing only his boxers, and beginning to dress in his jeans and other riding gear.
“Yeah... they came with the console, but they’re uncomfortable as shit! I have a pretty decent pair back at home, but they don’t sell them here in Australia.” I explain, buttoning up my jeans and then zipping the fly closed.
“Yeah, well I have a pretty good set as I said. I was just thinking that if you’ve got a little time up your sleeve right now, you can just pop over and give mine a try before buying a new set of your own.” He explains.
“Um, wouldn’t your sister mind you having people rocking up to her house late at night?” I a
sk, pulling my hoodie over my t-shirt.
“Nah, she doesn’t work weekends, so she’ll be up late to catch up on some documentaries or some shit like that.” He says.
I think it must be pretty cool to have a sister, let alone a sister that is more than willing to look after you and take all your crap for years.
“Are you sure she’ll be cool? I mean I don’t want to tread on anyone’s toes.” I explain.
“Nah man... Jade’s as cool as!” he says.
My heart’s stopped beating... green eyes, sister named Jade! She’s looked after a little brother since she was 19, after their parents died. Silas’ parents are dead. His sister looks after him!
Shit... shit, shit, fucking arsehole shit!
“What does your sister do for work anyway?” I ask, barely able to hold in the pending emotion.
“She’s a nurse.” He says, pulling the straps of his back pack over his shoulders and turning to grab his helmet.
I’m almost hyperventilating, it’s taking every God damn ounce of strength I possess right in this moment not to grab Silas and demand he take me to his home right now!
“I suppose I can come over... I’m not busy, I just hope your sister’s reaction to seeing me isn’t fucked up.” I say calmly.
“Oh no, you’re only coming over for a quick look anyway, she’ll be fine; besides she hasn’t met you yet, and she likes to know who my instructors are and warn them about me.” He chuckles.
“You never know... I might know her, I’ve known a couple of Jade’s and even one that’s a nurse!” I explain obliquely, shoving my feet into my joggers.