by Criss Copp
Silas chuckles, “That’d be cool!” he says. “Just follow me, we live in East Hamilton.” He says, turning around and walking towards the door.
I grab everything up and shove it all into my duffle bag, following him out the door.
Jade.
I haven’t been able to return to the gym; so I’ve bought a season pass to the swimming centre and have returned to swimming. It’s now been three weeks since the kiss that shattered me and made me realise I wanted Ben, in every way possible! And I ran!
I fucking ran! No, no... I fucking ran after I slapped him across the face, because he made me feel earth shattering desire and desperation for him.
And I did it all in front of his mother... his terminally ill mother!
I groan every time I think about it, and I want to crawl under the couch and live with the worms that are meant to reside in tiny dark spaces... or is that cockroaches? No, I’m a worm... completely spineless!
I can’t even contemplate returning to face him. I haven’t been with anyone in so long. I’ve never even loved anyone before, and the hurt of losing another person, as in Sabrina, it’s just too much to contemplate. He wouldn’t understand... what the fuck am I saying? Of course he fucking understands. He’s lost his Dad before; he’s living the nightmare of losing his mother!
I’m a coward. I’m absolutely sure that Ben will be fine; he’s used to going from one woman to the next, isn’t he?
I’ve been floating along just dealing with the essentials. I’ve lost a lot of my commitment to exercise, and I know I do little to hide that in front of Silas. He’s definitely noticed.
I take an alternative route to get to work so I don’t accidentally run into Sabrina and Ben coming out of the hospital. I’m more broken than I’ve ever been... completely fractured. I’m back to lamenting the dark and crying all the time at the indirection that is my life.
I’m seriously fucked up!
I’m sitting in my SpongeBob SquarePants winter pyjamas, and lounging on the couch watching David Attenborough talk about the forest animals of Northern Europe. The scenery is stunning... the animals are majestic and beautiful. I’m downing my fourth glass of low alcohol red wine, because I want to, and I’m allowed to, and I don’t care how I feel about tomorrow. Realistically, if I drink the whole bottle I still would’ve only had five standard drinks, which is why I only buy low alcohol drinks these days. But I feel it in my head, and it makes me kind of wish I could go out and do shots, get hit on by some hot guy and give it all up for a night of hot fucking! But then the image I imagine... the hot guy and the fucking, it’s all Ben. Ah shit!
I’m feeling sorry for the snow leopard at the moment, and I start to tear up just as I hear Silas’ bike outside indicating he’s home.
Ben.
I’m breathing in laboured and staggered motions as I reach my car and Silas’ bike parked near it.
He rides a Kawasaki Ninja 250, I already knew this, but I’ve been so stupid, dumb and stupid... I just can’t believe I never made the connection between Jade and Silas before now. I can’t believe I had the key to her at all times right in front of me. I’m not going to use Silas like that though; I mean, I want to pump him for information right now about her, but I’m simply not going to; because that’s a dog move! We’ve become friends on our own merits; I’m not rocking that boat for nothing!
I get in the car and throw my duffle bag across the seat. Then I look toward him and salute him to let him know I’m ready!
***
Silas pulls into a drive of a small white house and I pull in right behind him. To confirm my suspicions that his Jade is my Jade; a Kawasaki Ninja 650, coloured silver and maroon, is lit up in my headlights and sitting in the drive under a carport, now next to his.
I have no idea what I’m going to say to her, all I know is that I’m not going to chase her anymore! I’m going continue with my friendship with Silas, and I’m going to continue to build him into a fucking fantastic MMA fighter. I intend on continuing to visit him; especially now that I know where he lives, and I’m going to be around Jade every little bit of time I can manage. But I’m not going to chase her.
If she wants me, she can have me... I’m already hers! But she’s got to bloody well come to me and chase after me if she wants to claim me!
Silas makes his way to the front door, and I exit my Mum’s car and follow him. We step through the front door, and I realise I’m not breathing properly, and that my heart rate is the highest it’s been all night!
We’ve entered a lounge area, and from what I can see, the house is small, but tidy and clean. The furniture is actually nice, and it all matches each other. I know directly in front of me lays a three seater couch and a single lounge chair, opposite a flat screen television on an entertainment unit; but I choose to ignore this area for now, because I can also see that the television is being watched by a certain red headed female.
The dining area which is more an extension of the lounge area, has a square table with four chairs around it... but it’s obviously a table that can extend into a six seater table, because there are two chairs sitting either side of a three door hutch against the far wall.
The door on the far wall must go through to the kitchen, but the light is off.
To my right, just beyond the television is a small open area, which operates as the hall. Immediately off the lounge area is a bathroom... and I can see a bedroom door further along at the end of the ‘hall.’ I can assume that if I were to walk around the television and into the ‘hall,’ I would discover another door to another bedroom. I’m wondering which one is Jade’s, when I should be concerned with which one is Silas’.
“Jade, this is Ben, my MMA instructor; I’m just showing him my headset for the Xbox360, and then he’s off home.” Silas explains.
Finally I let my eyes fall to Jade, seated on the couch. She’s a sight for sore eyes, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her know that. Unfortunately I can’t help my thick throat right now, and my stupid jerky movements; but I manage to walk forward and lean over to her and offer my hand to shake.
“Hi, I’m Ben. Silas is really talented. I’d love to speak to you some time about his potential career in MMA!” I grind out of my enclosing throat. I sound completely different, and I’m sure she can hear my pain being forced out in my small speech.
She shakes my hand weakly, and swallows loudly herself. I know she’s affected by me, because the glass of red in her other hand is shaking like an earthquake is currently in full swing.
“Hi, thanks for taking care of him; he’s been talking about your classes for months! I thought I knew who you must be, but I really had no idea!” she whisper’s unsteadily.
“Well he hasn’t told me anything about you at all either” I offer, “he keeps all knowledge of you tucked away... I guess to protect you. But then everything I’ve learned about Silas has been from Silas and nobody else either. I guess that’s what people tend to do; protect each other!” I say as cryptically as I can, but getting dangerously close to revealing my knowledge of this woman to Silas.
Silas just shrugs and says, “Yeah, I don’t talk about Jade much; she’s my sister after all! But I thought Cliff would’ve spilled all about me to you.” He reasons.
“No,” I say, staring at Jade, unable to take my eyes off her cute pyjamas and her clearly shocked expression, which I think is tinged with a generous amount of guilt. “He didn’t tell me shit!” I explain. “But since you’ve explained your issues regarding yourself honestly, I guess that’s a whole lot better than getting a second-hand flimsy version of it, hey!” I reason, my voice finally returning to normal the longer that I talk.
Silas beams at me and nods his head once in a sideways agreement.
“This way Ben; you try these headphones out, and then if you like them, you can buy your own tomorrow so you’re no longer fucking up our games!” he argues.
I roll my eyes, which releases me from her hold on my soul, momentaril
y; and allows me to walk away from her.
“I am not your problem, Daniel from California is. He says he’s good and on the ball, but he’s always slow at rearming, it gets us killed because we’re a man down sometimes, waiting for him and covering his arse!” I say, following him to the far door and walking into a room that is covered with posters of death metal bands, Halo art and bikes... Ducati’s, Kawasaki’s and a Triumph. His bed is a queen bed and it’s an ensemble with a carved, wooden headboard... quite nice!
He hasn’t built in robes, so he has a rustic looking, very solid free standing wardrobe. He has one bedside set of draws that doubles as a table, and an entertainment unit opposite the bottom of his bed, with a large flat screen television, a stereo underneath, his Xbox360, and a surround sound system. I look back up and locate the little speakers dotted around the room up on brackets near the junction of the walls and ceiling. I didn’t notice them before because of the posters on the walls.
“Shut the door man!” he asks, and I turn to shut the door; noticing as I look up, the tortured look on Jade’s face.
Not my problem... she ran off from me... she now knows I’m still around and how to find me! It’s all up to her now!
“So, do you recognise Jade?” Silas asks me, as he rifles through his messy bed. It’s the only mess around, but I guess that since he has a basket of unfolded clothes on his bed, which he just dumps on the floor, that he’s not exactly the neat freak... I’ve just caught him on a good day. He finds his headphones in the messy blanket.
“She’s very familiar Silas, but she’s not my Jade!” I say to stem any further questions.
“Pity... she’s so lonely, she could use a nice guy!” he states.
“She doesn’t look like she’s encouraging anyone at the moment; she’s in SpongeBob SquarePants pyjamas and drinking alone on a Friday night!” I say carefully; I don’t want Silas to get on the offensive, but he’s way more laid back than I expect regarding his sister.
“That’s because of me. She used to be the life of the party... she was a lot of fun! I mean, don’t get me wrong, she and I have fun. She’s still got it. But she stopped her life and put everything on hold to take care of a very fucked up 12 year old! I’d be dead if it weren’t for her.” he states frankly. “I wouldn’t wish being bipolar on anyone, but I definitely wouldn’t wish being in Jade’s position on anyone either... she’s been fucked over royally! I keep telling her to give up on me, but she never does.” he sighs.
I can tell he loves her very much. I can also tell he regrets being him... that he regrets the things he’s done that cause her to have to care for him so much!
“You’re pretty cool; I wouldn’t say you’re all that bad.” I say to lighten the mood.
“Hah! You wait till you see me when I’m sick, then you’ll understand! I wasn’t always controlled with medication. Jade had to nurse me through the raw shit, the years of misdiagnosis, and the years of trying to get someone to listen. Even the treatment took ages to get right!” he reasons... getting into an online game so I can have a go of the headphones and mike.
“You seem so regular... cool and focussed to me.” I say, and then I think of when he’s fighting. “Except when you’re focussed on an opponent; then you look fierce and dangerous, but then you need that in this sport.” I say.
“Man, I’ll be honest with you; and I hope you’re strong enough to take me seriously and not ignore me later.” He says, looking at me with all seriousness.
“Go for it, tell me!” I respond, taking the headphones out of his hand as he hands them over.
“I have a voice, in my head, that is real... to me! And when I’m all kinds of fucked up; like I forget my meds, or I’m not sleeping well, or I’m on an emotional ride, I start not being able to block out that voice and I start arguing with them and going completely whacked! I become dangerous and violent. And they shut me up in the mental ward until I come down. It can take weeks for me to get out of there. Next time it happens, I’ll lose my job!” he says in all seriousness. He’s intense right now. I totally believe him.
I’m not really taking notice of the game, and I’ll buy the headphones; I only really came here to check out if his Jade was my Jade; which she is!
“Isn’t hearing voices Schizophrenic or something?” I ask, I mean isn’t it?
“Yeah, it can be; but with people that are Schizo, the voices come from outside their heads; like the television or the radio, and the voices talk to them from those sources, and because they can hear them from outside their head; they think everyone else can hear them too! With my kind of auditory hallucination, the voices are inside my head! So, I know they come from inside, and most of the time I can reason them away and ignore them. But when I can’t, I get mega confused, things go to shit!” he says, shrugging.
“Okay, but isn’t bipolar like... manic depression or something, so you go up and down?” I ask.
“It used to be called manic depression, but it’s called bipolar now. My mania, or my up time is categorised by risky behaviour, or me thinking I’m invincible; like I could jump off a building and not get hurt, or that I can do things that are impossibly dangerous and come out the other side unscathed, but I also carry a tremendous rage when I’m like that; so I’m like, extremely pissed off!” he explains using his hands for emphasis.
I can only imagine what he’d be like in those times, and fucking scary doesn’t quite seem to cut it!
“When I’m depressed, or down... I try to hurt myself. I’ve tried to kill myself; I’ve pleaded with Jade to kill me. I think obsessively about ways to hurt myself. It’s pretty fucked up.” he reasons.
I’m perplexed, “So Jade has been beside you through all this?” I ask.
“Yep... she wanted me after our parents died, even when our grandparents gave me up to DOCs. She did everything she could to get me. I didn’t realise what she’d done till we did some family therapy as a part of my last admission. But, I do now... and I wish she had someone to make her happy, I just make her life hard!” he explains, examining his influence on his sister objectively.
“I don’t think she’d do it if she didn’t want to.” I say.
“That’s why I wish she’d take the time to find herself a guy.” he smiles. “I’ve got a girl, and it makes a fucking huge difference!” he states.
“She’s got to find the right person all on her own, you can’t force that shit.” I argue.
“True! So, are you about ready to jump ship and bail on me?” he asks me. It’s kind of a joking thing to say, but his eyes are completely serious.
I’m not going to fuck him around, I’ll be absolutely truthful, “I’m not going to jump ship Silas... but I can’t even begin to pretend I know what that means. I’m here, I’m happy to be here, and I’ll do my very best to stay, even if you fuck up! But I have to say, I don’t have a clue what that means, or what I’m setting myself up for.” I answer.
He nods, and then he says, “That’s cool and it’s better than almost everyone I know, with the exception of Jade and Shae.”
We talk Xbox games for another half an hour and then I need to go!
“Silas, I’ve really got to go, but do you have a pen and a bit of paper? I just need to jot something down to remind me of something later.
“Sure!” he says, leaning over to his top draw and pulling both out.
I quickly write down my Mum’s name and number, and a quick one word sentence:
She really likes you, and you broke her heart when you ran away.
I tear the piece off for myself and hand the rest all back to Silas.
Jade.
The very last thing on earth I could imagine tonight was Ben walking through my front door; and then to work out he’s been friends with Silas for months... shit!
The other thing... and it stung, was that he totally acted like he’d never met me!
He was cold except for his very warm hands; and considering it is mid July, his hands should be frozen; yet despit
e the physical warmth... he really, really was cold toward me, and he didn’t want to know that I was even alive; which is funny, because I’m not alive; I barely exist.
Before Ben kissed me, I was able to delude myself into thinking that I was better than his sideways compliments, his filthy remarks and my offensive replies; but the moment his lips met mine... it became abundantly clear that I loved it... I loved it all, the banter especially; but... the sexy come hither looks, his protective stance around other guys, his smartarse mouth... his smartarse mouth that was so warm and insistent. FUCK! I’m so angry and sad and angry... it’s his fault that I fell for him; it’s his fault that my body is teetering on the edge of going to Silas’ room and dragging him out of there and into mine, I feel like I’m in some nightmare of unfulfilled wet dreams. Some God damned entity has picked me up and delivered me to hell, because this is surely that place.
I’ve now been sitting here for about forty minutes completely frozen and melted to the spot at the same time, or perhaps I melted first and then froze to the spot in my newly altered state, after he moved on through my house. The only changes are that now, my heart rate isn’t quite so high; but my stomach feels like it’s in a twisted and painful spasm... the stomach that alternates position from my diaphragm to my knees. I feel like my insides are eating me. I know that Ben is in Silas’ room; I know that I should apologise to him and fix this pain, sadness and anger... but I can’t move; I’m frozen.
So when they emerge laughing and talking about Xbox bullcrap, I’m still not able to move.
“Jade, Ben’s off, and I’m going to head to bed!” Silas chimes.
Ben reaches forward with his hand as before, to shake mine. I know my face is all shock, and my mouth is now unattractively open... but I kind of can’t do anything about it, because my brain is not able to comprehend anything properly at the moment. At least my breathing is still maintaining me.
I reach up to shake his proffered hand... mine is already shaking.