by Criss Copp
I gather he doesn’t mind, because as I get on the back again at his place, he grabs my hands and places them on his hips for me.
“If you hold me here, we won’t fall off from you tickling me.” He says grinning, looking at me side on.
He jumped twice on our way over, because apparently he has ticklish ribs.
I grin widely.
“No seriously, I don’t want to die today!” he argues, turning away; his visor flipped up at the present, as is mine.
He’s not looking at me, and he’s just about to take off on the bike. So I lean forward and press myself into him.
“Okay.” I say in a breathless tone, albeit loudly over the noise of the bike; scrunching up his jeans in my hands as I pushing myself up into his back.
He stops doing what he was doing, and turns to stare at me sideways. I can’t help but let out a laugh.
“Don’t do that either, or I’ll have a heart attack, and the results will be the same.” He pleads.
And then we’re off.
Ben told Silas, that he’ll stick to him. So whatever speed Silas is doing, Ben will match. We pretty much stick to the speed limit all the way, because before we’re even half way there, we’ve seen six cop cars; all highway patrol, it’s amazing. I haven’t seen so many before ever. And it’s not even a long weekend or public holiday.
We make our way through Hexham, up to Maitland, and then through Patterson on our way to Dungog. We plan on returning via Raymond Terrace and the Pacific Highway.
The whole way I have my hands on Ben’s hips, feeling the way he moves instinctually with the bike, as I sit there like a stone and allow him make the necessary movements and adjustments to make the bike twist and turn through traffic, around bends, round-a-bouts and corners; and any sudden shifts to avoid a pothole or two that creep up.
The whole time I know the drill, since I ride too; but I can’t help thinking how nice his hips feel in my hands, how perfect they fit between my legs, and how sordid my thoughts can actually get in this moment. At one stage, when we lift off a bit over a rail crossing, and my hips are jutted forward into his butt, such that my pussy is pressed hard up against the back of him; he reaches back and pats my thigh, before replacing his hand on the handle bars. In response, I leave myself in that position for a while, until I feel like moving again, in order to get some feeling in my arse cheeks.
We make good time, and we’re pulling into the main drag of Dungog by noon.
“You’re a good pillion passenger!” Ben states, pulling stray hair from my face and tucking it behind my ears.
“You’re a good rider!” I respond.
“Anytime Red.” He chuckles.
I draw in breath quickly. He hasn’t called me Red since before we came to an understanding of a truce, since before he kissed me. It used to inflame me, and annoy me beyond description, but this time, it makes me feel warm in an entirely different way.
He smiles at me and turns away to place his helmet on the tank of his bike, and give his head a good old two handed scratch... making his hair stick up everywhere. It makes me laugh, because now he looks like he’s just been rolling around in the hay, he just needs some random sticks and grass throughout his hair.
Silas quickly establishes that he does indeed want lunch at the pub. And he’d love to have a beer, but he’s got to ride home, and on his green provisional licence, it’s a zero alcohol tolerance.
So we all go without a beer, and stick with soft drinks instead, like Coke.
“Ben likes you, you know!” Silas tells me when Ben goes to take a piss.
“Um... yeah, I know. Remember, I’m his Jade?” I say sarcastically, but smile.
“Yeah, I remember. You’re the chick who broke his heart.” He states, “So how is that so?” he asks.
“I don’t know, we kind of got close I s’pose, before I knew he was your instructor, and well, he fell for me I suppose, but it’s not what you think.” I explain. “We weren’t sleeping with each other or anything.”
“I think he’s either in love with you, or he’s infatuated with you. Either way, he wants you bad! So stop playing a princess and give him a go!” Silas insists.
“I’m not being a princess!” I argue.
“You so are. You’re behaving like a school girl and leaving him hanging. You’re a bit of an idiot if you think you can do better than Ben; and I’m not saying that in a derogatory way to you, at least I’m not trying to; but I mean it as in there just aren’t that many guys like him out there. Believe me, I’m a guy, and I know!” he says.
I’m still stuck with my mouth open at the ‘can’t do any better’ part, but I get it. I know he’s telling the truth. And I kind of plan to give Ben a go, one day... soonish!
Ben strolls back into the dining area, and plonks back down at the table. His knee is brushing up against my leg.
“I’m just gonna take a piss, and then we should head back.” Silas says, jumping up and heading for the toilets.
“Okay, I better go to the toilet too.” I say, going to leave; but Ben holds my hand for a brief moment to stop me from rising.
I raise my eyebrows in question to him.
“Don’t run away from me tonight, please!” He requests.
I want to say I won’t, but I can’t. I have no idea what he’s saying, yet at the same time I absolutely understand what he’s saying, so I nod.
“Okay? I won’t make things too hard for you, I promise!” He says, smiling his dimpled grin.
Again I nod. And then he lets me go and I make my way to the ladies.
Ben.
Again, today... I chased her and made my intentions clear. I was thankful that after she returned from the toilet, she hadn’t begun treating me differently, that in fact; she remained her normal self around me, as things have been improving lately.
Tonight may be different.
I’m already waiting, with Seb and Beau, for the birthday boy... and my girl; at least the girl I want to be my girl!
I’ve been nursing a beer, and explaining to the guys that we don’t want Silas to get trashed tonight, since he’s got issues with his meds. They’ve apparently seen him go a little mental before, and they’ve already known him to end up in hospital, so they seem pretty cool about it; and I’m glad, because when he arrives with Shae and her parents, Jade bringing up the rear... he’s got that wild look in his eyes... a kind of excitement that could snap and turn on a dime.
We settle in to our tables... and I manage to get squeezed in between Jade and Beau.
The conversation around the table is fluid, and Jade and Mr and Mrs Leveritt, Shae’s parents, and her; are sharing the one bottle of wine. I originally took Silas up, along with the guys to the bar and bought them all one drink... Silas chose a beer, the boys both chose Bourbon and Coke. Of course Shae is just drinking soft drink, but I’m now onto a second beer.
Dinner is fairly nice, but standard fair... nothing themed or out of the ordinary. However, towards the end, we get to sing Happy Birthday to Silas, as a white chocolate mud cake arrives with candles on it.
“Happy Birthday, buddy.” I exclaim.
“Happy Birthday Silas.” Shae says, leaning in to give him a sweet kiss on the lips.
“Happy Birthday little brother!” Jade chimes, jumping over him from behind and giving him a big, neck strangling hug.
Then everyone’s either shaking his hand, clapping him on the back or shouting over to him. He looks really happy, but I’m concerned about the jerky exaggerated movements. I’ve already decided to stop drinking; I’ll keep an eye on him. It’s what he told me to do, originally; when he told me to watch him when he started acting weird.
Jade must have noticed too, because she’s barely even touched her second glass of wine, and she keeps throwing Silas looks of concern. I’ll pull her aside in a moment and have a chat with her.
I know I’m concerned with Silas right now, but since I’m looking at Jade; well... I’m looking at her!
; She has her long hair out, and it has a slight wave; and it is falling down her back and at times falling across her shoulders. It’s so God damn seductive looking, I keep looking for the cameras... we’re back on that movie set.
She’s wearing make up, and it’s brilliantly applied, like model good. She looks like her face should sell perfume.
She’s wearing knee high, stiletto fuck me boots, and black leggings, and she’s got some Roman or Greek inspired, slightly big, khaki coloured flowing top; with long yet open sleeves, because a slit down the side is showing her entire arm, and the neck is scooping down below her bust, over the top of a black singlet. She has several long necklaces on and she comes across as a rich bohemian love child... she looks fantastic!
I’m just in my standard dark wash, relaxed fit, Guess jeans; coupled with a dark grey, slim fit, long sleeved button-up shirt. And on my feet, I’ve gone for my black DCs. Jade’s actually a little taller than me at the moment, but not by much.
What I have noticed is how many guys are eye-fucking her... I mean, really, really eye-fucking her. If she wasn’t surrounded by tall young men who all look like they’ll rip your head off given half a chance, she’d be mobbed. And right now, the only one who’ll be doing any type of touching her better be me!
Jade.
I’ve noticed Silas is ascending, and I’ve told Seb and Beau that I want him cut off... no more drinks. I whispered it to them after the cake, and they were both really good about it.
Shae and her parents have just left, and it’s 10:00pm. The place is only just starting to fill up. I think it would be good to get out of here soon.
I look over to Ben, who’s just having a chat to Seb. He catches my eye and he releases Seb who then follows Beau and Silas to the pokie room, for a couple of slaps.
Ben stalks up to me, without releasing eye contact.
I’m standing up against a small wall that divides the pokie area from the hall, running from the entrance to the dining area.
Ben doesn’t merely stop directly in front of me... he leans right into me, almost like he did that day we kissed, however, I don’t feel threatened by his movements.
He leans in to talk in my ear over the loud background noise and music.
“Silas is acting weird.” He says, placing his hands on my waist.
“I know; he’s ascending!” I answer and explain.
“Ascending?” he asks.
“Going up, becoming manic.” I explain.
“Right, okay; I hope you don’t mind, but I suggested to Seb that the boys don’t buy him any more drinks.” He informs me.
“No, that’s okay, I have too!” confirm.
“Okay, so what do we do now?” he asks me.
“We go home and try to remove all the stimulus. If that doesn’t work, we take him to the hospital.” I explain. I notice he’s using words like we, and that I am too.
“Okay, then should we leave now?” he asks, his body trembling a little.
“Yes, we should probably leave. This place is full of too much activity, and it’s just getting worse, it’s loud and exciting, and he’ll be firing on all synapses by now. So let’s take him home!” I agree.
But it’s too late, because there’s a whole lot of shouting and the sound of shattering glass. I instinctually know that it’s Silas, and unfortunately not someone else.
Ben.
I’m leaning into her, and I can’t believe I’m so close, that she’s letting me in and she’s completely receptive at the same time that the shit hits the fan!
She’s instantly drawn to the shouting and sounds of smashing glass. So she pushes me off with strength I’ve never felt in a woman, and sprints through the crowd to the noise.
I’m immediately behind her, and there are two bouncers immediately behind me.
“Fucking get off me!” Silas is screaming.
Seb and Beau are both on him, holding him down with limited success, and a drunk fuck is shouting abuse from the sidelines.
“What the fuck happened?” Jade is screaming at the boys.
“That cunt knocked into me, and made my drink spill all over Silas.” Beau is saying. The bouncers are onto the drunk fuck, and then another is in my ear telling me to get the fuck out of the way.
“Fuck off man, that’s my brother there and my boys; I’ll get them out if you can fucking keep all of these cunts off of us!” I shout back.
Silas is laughing hysterically and he’s thrashing around like a shark caught in a net. Seb and Beau have been joined by Jade, and the three of them are not quite up to the task. It’s going to take all four of us to drag his arse out of here, and that will only succeed if everyone else is out of the picture.
I turn and I boom across the room for everyone to get out of the fucking way! The bouncer obviously realises now that Silas is one mean motherfucker, and he moves off to make a path, so the four of us can take a limb each and drag Silas out of the place.
We’re barely out of the door when that sorry excuse for a human being runs over from outside and attempts to put the boot into Silas.
Lucky for him, the bouncer hooked him and prevented him from connecting, but it meant that he was still close by.
“You’re fucking lucky mate that you didn’t get near him and he got to you first...” I begin, indicating the bouncer with my head, before continuing, “because I will fucking drop you on the ground, and your brains will splatter all over the fucking place from how hard I make you collide with the pavement!” I shout at him.
“Fucking cunt! You’re all a bunch of cunts! I’ll fucking stab you all!” he rises up. Silas obviously clocked him a good one, he looks like he has a broken nose.
The bouncer has already been joined by another, and this skinny kid is still flinging them about.
Damn, forget being a drunk fuck, the way his body is responding... he’s got ICE screaming through his system. He’s in rage mode!
“The cops are on their way!” the bouncer says to me.
And with that, we just cannot hold onto Silas any more in this position. So, we have to drop him to the ground and hold him there.
Jade is talking to him, trying to calm him, and he’s thrashing her body up and down as she lies on his left arm. Gripping it, with a terror in her eyes.
“Silas, Silas! It’s over, calm down, we’re going to go and rest. Okay?” she says over and over again, soothingly.
Silas is just in a mega rage, and he’s not listening, nor is he coming down. He’s all guttural war cries and screams; and then tears of defeat, back and forth! It’s the scariest moment I’ve ever been involved in; he’s talking to himself and answering himself... he’s aggressive and then surreal. And then when the cops walk over and enforce him being placed in cuffs, the scariest moment also becomes my most heartbreaking to date! As Silas cries and cries to be set free, and pleading with the most sincere and frightened eyes imaginable; that he needs to be set free so he can run away from the demons that pursue him.
Chapter Fifteen: Aftermath.
Jade.
Heart breaking... I’m so completely torn asunder. He won’t be able to keep his job now.
He’s nearly finished his second year, he’s almost half way through, and I’m so utterly and pathetically spent and torn. I have quite literally aged a whole lifetime in this one episode.
Mandatorily scheduled for hospitalisation... the police demanded it, and that other fucker gets off with a trip to Emergency to flush his system of his high, set his nose; and then he’ll appear in court for a slap across his fucking wrists. I want to stab him in the temple with a screw driver.
Silas loses his job, his income, and weeks of his life in lockup!
Why me? What did I do that was so hideous and disgusting to the world that I would find myself gutted and destroyed like this. That this is my life; this is my past and my future! To live on the edge and look out for my brother, in order to protect him, and everyone else around us.
My hands are in my hair, preparing t
o tear the roots out and my entire body is being engulfed by giant, soul destroying, and titanic movements of grief.
I can’t do this anymore, and yet this is my sentence, from here on in, this is my sentence.
I am formally sentenced to care for my brother throughout the entirety of his life until I kill him or he kills me.
I hate my grandparents more than any other time in my life right now; for being cowards and not sharing the burden of blood.
I know I am being taken home by Ben... I’m not sure which home, but I know at some stage I’m lying in a catatonic, ‘but I know it’ kind of state, in a bed with Ben holding me and spooning me from behind. The only things we’ve taken off are shoes, and I know for certain I didn’t do that; he did, because when he asked me to I couldn’t respond, with anything!
***
I’m a coward!
I woke up in Ben’s arms in his bed just before dawn, and I walked out.
I walked out and I phoned for a taxi.
I phoned for a taxi, which I met on Morgan Street.
I got in the taxi on Morgan Street and had the driver take me home.
I got home and removed my clothing and changed.
I got changed and packed my backpack with comfortable clothes, one set of work clothes and my purse.
I packed my backpack and locked the house.
I locked the house and grabbed my bike...
And I got the hell out of dodge!
I fucking left it all behind and went and paid for a week at the Crown Plaza.
***
I don’t know really how I manage to avoid Ben. Silas tells me that he’s here daily. I don’t like to talk about him, I just can’t do it. I don’t even like to think about how close I came to letting him in.
So when I walk into the dining room on Wednesday, after my first shift back at work; and find Ben there sitting with Silas, playing a game of chess, I’m hyperventilating and falling to the floor.