Attack of the Giant Sea Spiders

by Gareth Jones

  Gadge leaned in to take a closer look. “I say, laddie, you look familiar.”

  The man backed away, clutching his beard. “People do say I’ve got one of those faces.” He laughed nervously. “But the point is that my boss, the, er … the harbour master, is worried about this Defoe chap recruiting all those men.”

  “Why?” asked Lexi.

  “Isn’t it obvious? The fewer pirates in the sea, the less money the harbour master makes. That’s why he’s offering a reward for information.”

  “What kind of reward?” asked Gadge.

  “Gold, of course,” said the stranger. “My boss is a wealthy man. If you want to get your hands on some of his gold, then you should find out where that Frenchman is taking all those men.” He walked quickly across the room, then paused in the doorway. “Once you’ve discovered where they’re going, come to the harbour master’s house to collect your reward.”

  The door swung shut behind him.

  “There is definitely something familiar about that man,” said Gadge.

  “These lily-livered soft-skins all look the same to me,” said Captain Clockheart. “But if there’s gold to be won then this be a mission for us.”

  “How can we can follow Defoe’s ship without being seen?” asked Quartermaster Lexi.

  “Nancy and I can help you with that,” said Inkybeard. “You see, we already know where that ship is going.”

  “Click, how do you know?” asked Mainspring. “Tick, and why should we believe you?”

  “I’ll tell you,” said Inkybeard. “It were one of those grey mornings when you can barely tell the sea from the sky. The only colour at all was the burning red of me poor old ship that had accidently caught fire after a nasty case of mutiny. Nancy and me were doing a spot of fishing when we saw one of Defoe’s unmarked ships. We saw where it went, too… Into a hidden cave. Give me command of your ship and I’ll take you there. How about it?”

  “No one commands the Leaky Battery but me,” said Clockheart. “But since you need a ship and we need directions, you can join us as navigator in return for a fair share of the reward.”

  “Now, Captain, I have to question whether this is a good idea,” said Lexi.

  “Aye, old wheelie-noggin has a point,” said Gadge. “Do we really want a rapscallion like Inkybeard on board the Leaky Battery?”

  “While I’m the captain, I’ll make the decisions,” said Captain Clockheart.

  “Click, while you are. Tick, you will,” muttered First Mate Mainspring.

  Captain Clockheart ignored him. “What do you say, Inkybeard?”

  “We accept the terms!” he replied.

  The two captains shook on the deal, but Clockheart held on to Inkybeard’s hand, drew him close and whispered in his ear. “If I even get so much as a whiff of treachery, I’ll send you and your squid on a short walk that ends with a big splash, if you get my meaning.”

  “Yo ho, down below! The officers are returning!” shouted Blower from the crow’s nest of the Leaky Battery.

  “The captain’s back!” squawked Twitter, flying around excitedly. “The captain’s back and he’s brought seafood!”

  Loose-screw and Blind Bob Bolt lowered the boarding plank while the rest of the crew gathered on the main deck. Captain Clockheart, his officers and Inkybeard stepped on board.

  “Aye aye, Captain.” Pendle saluted.

  “Ah, Pendle lad, this be Inkybeard,” Captain Clockheart said. “He’ll be with us for the next few days.”

  “It’s the Dread Captain Inkybeard, actually,” said the black-bearded pirate.

  “Not while you’re on board my ship, it isn’t,” said Captain Clockheart. “I’m the only captain here.”

  “Click, for the time being,” muttered First Mate Mainspring. “Tick, it’ll be Captain Mainspring. Tock, one day soon.”

  “Now, First Mate Mainspring, don’t force me to make an example of you again,” warned Captain Clockheart. “Pendle, Inkybeard will require somewhere to sleep and something to eat.”

  “Don’t worry about Nancy and me.” Inkybeard pulled a small stick from his belt, which extended into a fishing rod. “We’ll sleep under the stars and catch our own food. Nancy is very particular about her dinner, aren’t you, my love?” He patted one of the squid’s tentacles tenderly.

  “Captain,” Pendle spoke out of the corner of her mouth, “are you sure he’s all right in the head, this fellow?”

  “As loopy as a figure-of-eight knot, so he is,” replied the captain quietly. “But he’s got knowledge we need and he’ll help us so long as he’s helping himself. Still, I don’t trust the scallywag, so keep your eye on him.”

  “You know it’s rude to whisper,” said Inkybeard.

  Captain Clockheart looked up and said, “I was just telling my cabin boy not to treat you like a mere passenger, but more like a … what’s the word now?”

  Lexi’s word-wheel clicked into action. “Friend? Chum? Pal?” he suggested.

  “Enemy,” said Captain Clockheart. “Now, Pendle, give Inkybeard a quick tour while we prepare the ship. First Mate Mainspring, Gadge, Washer Williams, Tin-pot Paddy and the rest of you dented buccaneers, let’s get this ship ready to sail.”

  Mainspring cried, “Click, you hear that, you lazy bunch of marauding meat forks. Tick, untether the ship, up with the sails, clean out the cannons. Tock, and let’s be away.”

  Inkybeard placed a hand on Pendle’s shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. “And what would a human cabin boy be doing in amongst all this hardware?” he asked.

  Pendle wriggled out of his grip. “This crew may not have blood or bones but they’ve got more heart than any man I know.”

  “You’ve got spirit, lad. Soon Nancy and I will have a ship of our own, and you’d be welcome to come and work for us.”

  “These pirates are my friends,” said Pendle. “You’ll never find a more loyal, hard-working and honest bunch on the whole of the seven seas.”

  Inkybeard watched the crew as they climbed the rigging, swabbed the decks and performed all of the duties that so often caused human pirates to grumble and moan.

  “Loyal, hardworking and honest, yes,” he admitted. “But those aren’t the things we look for when we’re finding crew. It’s qualities like bloodthirsty, fearless and dastardly that we want to see in a pirate.”

  “They can be all of those things, too – as you’ll find out if you double-cross them,” warned Pendle.

  “Double-cross! Did you hear that, Nancy?” Inkybeard chuckled. “We wouldn’t dream of such a thing, would we?”

  Inkybeard inspected the lever attached to the huge cogs in the middle of the ship. “What’s all this, then?”

  “It’s a steam engine. It gives us extra speed when we need it. I designed it myself,” explained Pendle.

  “Impressive. There’s more to you than meets the eye, boy,” said Inkybeard with a knowing wink.

  Pendle hurriedly tucked her hair into her hat and left Inkybeard to his fishing.

  “Do you know, I rather like your view, Harbour Master?” The Iron Duke leaned back in his chair and rested his large black boots on his footstool, which let out a soft moan. He opened his book and had just started to read when there was a knock at the door.

  “Who is it?” he demanded.

  “It’s me, sir.” The door opened and a man with a large ginger beard entered.

  “Who are you and what do you want?” The duke stood up and drew his sword.

  “It’s me, Admiral Fussington.” Fussington pulled off the false ginger beard as quickly as he could.

  “Ah, Fussington, you fool. You’re lucky I didn’t run you through, taking me by surprise like that.”

  “Sorry, sir.”

  “How did you get on? Did you manage to trick Captain Clockheart into finding out what the French are up to?”

  “Yes, sir. It went exactly as planned.”

  “Good. I just watched Count Defoe and his new recruits board the ship. The king is right –
the French are definitely plotting something.” The duke sat back down and put his feet up. His footstool groaned again. “I say. Who’s that with the Steampunk Pirates?”

  “His name is Inkybeard,” said Fussington.

  “Inkybeard?” The duke guffawed. “The Dread Captain Inkybeard? Even better. He gets through ships like most men get through socks. Take a good look, Fussington. This may well be the last we see of the Steampunk Pirates.”

  “Wait a minute, I’m confused. Don’t you want them to return with details of what Count Defoe and Commander Le Bone are doing? They can’t do that if Inkybeard sinks their ship.”

  “As I see it, either they come back with the information the king wants and then we capture them, or they end up at the bottom of the ocean and we find someone else to do our spying. It’s a win-win situation.”

  “But shouldn’t we arrest them while they’re here?”

  “Arrest pirates in Barbary Bay?” scoffed the Iron Duke. “We’d have every salty scallywag in the whole ocean on our backs, as my footstool would tell you.”

  “Your footstool?” The admiral noticed that the harbour master was down on the floor, tied up and gagged. The Iron Duke had been resting his feet on the harbour master, who was glaring angrily at the duke and trying to speak.

  “When you’re in Barbary Bay, you have to obey their laws, Fussington,” said the Iron Duke.

  “But Barbary Bay doesn’t have any laws,” said Admiral Fussington.

  “It’s got that one about parrots,” said the duke. “I rather like that one.”

  “How can you abide by the laws of a place with no laws?”

  “Any way you like,” said the Iron Duke with a triumphant laugh. “Any way you like.”

  For most of the journey, Inkybeard kept to himself. When he wasn’t giving directions, he spent his time at the prow of the ship with a fishing line dangling in the water.

  “It won’t be long now, Nancy my girl,” he muttered to the squid on his head. “Soon we’ll have a ship and crew of our own. Old Inkybeard has a scheme up his sleeve.”

  Inkybeard was no stranger to one-sided conversations, so he was surprised when a reply came. Not from Nancy, but from the figurehead of the ship. “Hey, you! Do a fella a favour and catch me a fish, will you? I haven’t eaten for a week.”

  Inkybeard leaned over the side of the ship and saw that the gold figurehead was talking to him.

  “Hi,” said the man. “Nice octopus hat.”

  “Don’t say the ‘o’ word,” whispered Inkybeard. “Me previous wife was an octopus and Nancy gets awful jealous, so she does. Are you another one of these steam-powered men?”

  “No, no. I’m normal, like you. Well, I’m not married to a sea creature … but I’m human.” The man spoke quickly and in a nasal American accent. “The Steampunk Pirates did this to me. They painted me gold and tied me to their ship. The name’s Goldman, Chas Goldman. I’d shake your hand but, as you can see, I’m a little tied up.”

  Inkybeard chuckled. “Goldman by name and gold man by nature, eh?”

  “I don’t see what’s so funny.”

  “What happened to you?” asked Inkybeard. “Get on the wrong side of these machines, did you?”

  Twitter landed on Goldman’s head. “Tried to trick us!” he squawked. “Tried and failed!” The mechanical bird bit Goldman’s nose then flew off again.

  “I hate that bird,” Goldman sighed. “Most of them have forgotten I’m even here, but that bird doesn’t forget. He comes to taunt me every day.”

  “How’ve you survived?” asked Inkybeard.

  “The cabin boy brings me fresh water when he remembers and, when the ship’s moving, things get thrown up in the sea spray,” he said, wincing in revulsion. “On a good day I’ll catch a fish in my mouth.”

  “Raw fish. A man after Nancy’s heart.”

  “Mostly it’s seaweed.”

  Inkybeard guffawed. “You hear that, Nancy? We’ve got ourselves a gold-plated seaweed muncher.”

  “Don’t you have any pity?” Goldman replied angrily.

  “We ain’t so big on pity, but I’ll tell you what…” Inkybeard leaned further over so that he could speak quietly. “We’ll get you off this ship if you help us when the time comes.”

  “I’ll do anything to be free!” said Goldman.

  “That’s good to hear. Hold tight for now and, as a gesture of goodwill, we’ll let you have the first catch of the day.”

  Inkybeard pulled on the line and lifted up a flapping fish. “Nancy, you don’t mind if our new friend eats first, do you?”

  Inkybeard swung the fish on the end of his line straight into Goldman’s mouth.

  “Thank you,” Goldman said, biting down.

  Inkybeard wrenched out the hook and dropped it back into the water. Nancy squeezed Inkybeard’s head a little harder.

  “Don’t you worry, my love. The next one is all yours.”

  The Leaky Battery sailed for two days and two nights without incident. Pendle kept a close eye on Inkybeard the whole way. She didn’t like how much time he spent hanging around the ship’s engine, but she never caught him doing anything wrong. The wind was steady, the weather fair and, on the second morning, the call came from the crow’s nest, “Yo ho, down below! Land ahoy and cliffs ahead!”

  First Mate Mainspring took control of the wheel and steered the ship towards the coastline, while Loosescrew and Wrench let out the jib to catch the wind and drive them in.

  “Where’s this invisible cave, then?” asked Captain Clockheart.

  “If you could see it, it wouldn’t be invisible,” replied Inkybeard. “Maintain the current course.”

  A burst of scalding-hot steam erupted from Captain Clockheart’s head. “Inkybeard, if this is a trick…”

  “Oh, this is certainly a trick,” he interrupted, “and a good one. But it’s not one I can take credit for. Now, lower the Jolly Roger. Only unmarked ships enter this cave.”

  “Lower the flag,” ordered Captain Clockheart.

  Pendle pulled on the rope and brought down the flapping skull and crossbones.

  “Click, which way should I turn her?” asked First Mate Mainspring. “Tick, because if we stay on this course. Tock, we’ll hit those rocks.”

  “Steady as she goes,” said Inkybeard. “Ready the cannons.”

  Gadge spun round to face him. “All that squid ink has gone to your head, laddie, if you think we can blast our way through solid rock.”

  “We’re not blasting our way through anything,” replied Inkybeard. “It’s only the sound of cannon fire that we need.”

  “Captain, I strongly advise you to choose a different direction,” said Quartermaster Lexi. “At this speed, the damage would be disastrous, catastrophic … fatal.”

  “We’re all going to die!” added Twitter. “We’re all going to die!”

  “Light the fuses and fire the first cannon,” shouted Inkybeard. “We’ll need three in total.”

  “I give the commands around here,” said Captain Clockheart. “You’d better be right about this, Inkybeard. Steampunk Pirates, fire the first cannon.”

  Washer Williams lit the fuse and the cannon flew back with the force of the blast. The cannonball shot harmlessly into the ocean and the sound echoed off the cliff.

  “Two more shots like that,” said Inkybeard.

  “Two more of those,” said the captain. “Mr Pumps, prepare the next cannon. Mr Hatchet, fetch more gunpowder.”

  “Can I ask the purpose of all this?” asked Gadge, over the boom of the cannon blasts.

  “Click, Captain, tick, at this speed, tock, we’re going to hit the rocks,” warned Mainspring. “The Leaky Battery will be smashed to smithereens.”

  “I can’t watch!” Lexi covered his eyes.

  “Can’t watch what?” asked Blind Bob Bolt, whose two eyepatches prevented him from seeing the huge cliff directly in front of them.

  The cliff’s huge shadow fell over the Leaky Battery and the crew prepared
themselves for impact.

  At the very last moment, the stone cliff moved.

  There was a tremendous CREAK! as part of the cliff face slid to the side, allowing the ship to sail straight into the cave behind.

  “Behold! The invisible cave,” whispered Inkybeard.

  “How interesting,” said Lexi, uncovering his eyes. “Sliding doors disguised as a rock face. So this is how all those ships have managed to vanish without anyone seeing where they went.”

  “Aye,” said Captain Clockheart, “but what lies on the other side that calls for such secrecy? That’s what I want to know.”

  The Leaky Battery dropped its sails and the Steampunk Pirates rowed the ship into the cave. Inkybeard placed his hat over Nancy, being careful to line up the eyeholes so that the squid could see out.

  “Sorry, girl. We’ll need to keep you hidden for the time being.” He turned to Captain Clockheart. “The same goes for you lot. Lowering the flag ain’t enough. If we’re to convince them that we’re one of Defoe’s ships, you tin-can wonders had better get out of sight, too.”

  “Steampunk Pirates, below deck,” ordered Captain Clockheart. The others followed the instruction but Clockheart remained. He grabbed two bits of cloth and wrapped them around his head and chin, then fastened his jacket to hide his metal body. Finally he pulled on a pair of leather gloves.

  Inkybeard looked doubtfully at the vapour still gushing out of his head. “What about all the steam?” he said.

  Captain Clockheart pulled out a pipe from his pocket and placed it in his mouth. “What steam?” he said. “This here be pipe smoke.”

  “Oh, very convincing,” said Inkybeard doubtfully.

  Inside the huge cave there were five more ships. All of them were tied to a wooden walkway built around the edge. A man in a blue uniform stood by the entrance, turning a wheel to operate the doors. Once they were shut, the man sighed, picked up a long stick of bread and took a bite.