“This is awkward,” I finally said. Someone needed to break the silence.
“It doesn’t have to be. Our history goes back far enough that we should be able to sit at a table together.”
“That’s not the point, and you know it. You killed me, Rachelle. I was never the same after what you did to me.”
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was so soft I barely heard her. Our eyes locked. Hers were pleading with me for forgiveness, but it wasn’t something I had in me to give her.
I’d always deemed myself a forgiving and forgetting type. I didn’t hold grudges. I was easygoing. But this was different.
This woman had led me on after she had already broken my heart once. I’d believed we had a future together, and then she ripped it away when she’d known all along she was going to.
That was unforgivable. She could apologize all damn day, but what she’d done was malicious. Maybe it was wrong of me to hold that against her, but she’d done so much damage that I was still dealing with.
It had taken that spark of intense feelings I had for Avery for me to even consider trying for something serious again. All of my treading for the past few years had been solely due to Rachelle’s actions.
I sighed. “You invited me here to talk. So talk.”
“I was a bitch, Grant. What I did was wrong, and I know that. It was selfish and cruel.”
I nodded. I couldn’t disagree with anything she was saying, so she continued.
“I met Michael about a year after you proposed. I wasn’t over you when I met him, but he helped me move past you.”
“I don’t need the dirty details.”
The waitress dropped off our food.
“I want to tell you everything.”
I shrugged and poured the syrup over my delicious French toast. I attacked my food with a vengeance while Rachelle picked at hers.
“My point is I have never gotten over you. You’re the first man I really loved, and you still own my heart.”
I snorted.
“I know I fucked up. But I want another chance.”
I couldn’t help it. I flat out laughed. What a ridiculous notion. I shook my head. “No, Rachelle. I can’t go down that road again. I didn’t even really want to meet you here today.”
“But you did. That says something, Grant. That says maybe it’s not over.”
“I really just came to see what you had to say for yourself. I had some questions about the last time we saw each other.”
“Then let’s start there. What do you want to know?”
“How is it possible you left me to go marry some other dude the next day?”
“Everything had been planned for months. Michael comes from a very wealthy background, and his family paid for everything. We had a wedding planner who handled every last detail. I had nothing to worry about. His mother took care of everything, regardless of what I really wanted. And then this conference came up. I jumped at the chance to see you. I had my doubts about Michael, but everyone around me kept telling me how perfect we were. All I kept thinking was you were the only man who was perfect for me. Everyone else was miles beneath you.”
“Then why did you end that week the way you did? If you’d have been honest with me then, if you’d have told me then what you’re telling me now, maybe things would be different now.”
“I was scared. I did love Michael, but not with the sort of passion I loved you with. And that stained our marriage from the very beginning. He had always known there was someone else in my heart, and that’s what eventually broke us up.”
“You’re divorced?”
She nodded.
“When?”
“It was finalized about four months ago.”
I didn’t know what to think. Part of me longed to hold her in my arms while she spoke of the pain of marrying someone who she knew was wrong for her, but another part of me knew I’d simply never get past what she’d done to me.
And so instead of responding, I devoured my French toast.
“What else did you want to know?” she finally asked, still picking at her bagel. She hadn’t even spread her cream cheese.
I chewed my mouthful of delectable egg-battered and fried bread covered in syrup. I swallowed and then took a gulp of coffee before I spoke. I was pissed, but I was in public. I knew well enough to keep my voice low, to make it appear like I was having a nice breakfast with my lady friend when in fact I was holding back everything I wanted to scream at her.
“I want to know why you thought it was okay to walk out on me twice. I want to know why you used me for that week and left me. But most of all,” I said, leaning forward intimately toward her, “I want to know what sort of person breaks a man twice and then walks back in not only expecting forgiveness, but wanting a third fucking chance.”
She looked surprised. She’d always held all of the cards in our relationship, wore the proverbial pants, because I’d let her. But I was finally taking control. And, unfortunately, that only spurred her on.
The surprise in her eyes turned to heat.
“God dammit, Grant,” she muttered. “Why couldn’t you talk to me like that seven years ago? If I’d known you were going to turn into this man who did what he wanted, who had ambition, who had this hardness and this drive, I wouldn’t have said no the first time. I wouldn’t have been scared. I would have been sure that we belonged together.”
“Oh fuck that, Rachelle. That’s a flat out lie and you know it. You can’t sit here and say I did everything wrong or I wasn’t man enough for you.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“If you saw a future then, you would have said yes. It’s as simple as that.”
“I did see a future.”
“But you waited four years to contact me again. You told me I wasn’t ‘marriage material.’ You fell in love and got engaged to another man.”
“I never stopped loving you.” She took a sip of her coffee.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. Your actions show who you love most in this whole equation.”
“Michael?”
“No. Not Michael.” I chuckled. “Yourself.”
“That’s a little harsh.”
“Truth hurts, I guess.”
“Are you seeing somebody?”
“That’s not your business anymore.”
“Answer my question,” she demanded.
“Why?”
“Because we have a history. Because we share something that goes back a whole lot of years.”
“History doesn’t mean anything.”
“History repeats itself.”
I chuckled mirthlessly. “Sure fucking does. You walked out on me twice. I’m bracing myself for the third.”
“It’s not some weird pattern, Grant.”
“Bullshit.”
“It was a mistake coming here.”
“Why?”
She was silent.
“Is it because I’m making you face some tough truths?”
She shrugged.
“You figured you’d show up and I’d come right back to you again, didn’t you?”
She stared down at her bagel, and that was my answer.
“I hope she makes you happy,” she whispered. “You deserve it.”
“We all deserve happiness, Rachelle. Despite the pain you put me through, I want you to be happy. It just can’t be with me.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry for what I did. For hurting you, for walking out on you, for not bothering to open up to you when I should have. Our lives could have taken such different paths, but I screwed everything up.”
I didn’t respond. Confirming her words wouldn’t help anything, no matter how true they were.
“You ready for the check?” the waitress asked. I nodded, and she handed it to me.
I glanced at the total and tucked my credit card into the pocket.
“How much do I owe you?” Rachelle asked.
“I’ve got it.”
<
br /> “Ever the gentleman.”
I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say.
I took care of the bill and then we walked together toward the parking lot.
“Look, Grant. I know it doesn’t change anything, but you need to know I regret what I did.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t change anything.”
“Can I at least have a hug?”
We stood just outside the entrance to Wrens. It was a familiar place with the familiar woman who wasn’t as familiar as I had remembered.
She was virtually a stranger now. We were both three years older, and I was three years wiser. She was divorced. I couldn’t fathom the thought that she’d actually been married.
And after last time, I had a hard time trusting she wasn’t still in some sort of relationship.
But none of it mattered. All that mattered was Avery. I had to see her. I had to explain about the night before. I had to be honest with her, because we were just at the beginning, and honesty was the one thing I really needed. The one thing I really valued in a relationship, particularly given my history with the woman standing in front of me.
I leaned toward Rachelle and allowed her to wrap her arms around me. It felt good to hold her in my arms again, but it no longer felt right. It no longer felt essential.
But there was someone else who was right.
She was essential.
And I had to let her know how much I needed her.
Rachelle’s arms wrapped around me in a tight hug. I felt her shaking beneath me as tears racked her body.
Her tear-stained eyes gazed up at me. It was weird holding her. I wanted to feel the excitement, the arousal, the need for her, but I didn’t feel any of it.
All I could think about was Avery.
Rachelle lifted her lips toward mine. I felt her lips meet my own. She kissed me softly, but I didn’t have it in me to kiss her back. She pulled back, and she looked up at me. Tears sparkled in her eyes.
But none of it affected me the way it should have.
I didn’t enjoy holding her in my arms as I once had. We weren’t in the same place we had been in the past, and the feelings I’d held onto since we’d last parted were finally gone.
It just took seeing her again for me to realize I’d been over her for a long time.
“Goodbye, Rachelle,” I said, finally pulling out of our embrace.
“Can I see you tomorrow before I head out?” she asked, digging through her purse for her keys.
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“You don’t mean that.”
I shrugged. “Guess you’ll never know. I have to go.”
“I love you, Grant.”
I couldn’t respond. I didn’t know how to, so I strode toward my car, got in it, and headed toward Avery’s.
Chapter 27
Her car was in the parking lot, so the fact she wasn’t answering her door was complete bullshit.
I tried texting her. I’m standing at your door. I need to talk to you.
I banged on her door again.
I didn’t know what I was going to say, and I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew something had to be done. I felt a sick twist in my gut at the thought that maybe she didn’t want anything to do with me after I’d walked out on her the night before. It was the most ridiculous notion in the world to me after the revelations I’d just had at breakfast with Rachelle.
She finally threw open the door. “What?”
“Can we talk?”
“Talk.” She stood in the doorway, blocking my entrance. She looked like some combination of hurt and angry. Sadness tinted her eyes. Her face was flushed, and she looked like the most beautiful woman on Earth. All I could think of was how much I wanted to hold her.
But the look in her eyes told me the feeling wasn’t mutual.
This was sure a far cry from the time she’d opened her door wearing nothing but a smile.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
She rolled her eyes.
“I got a text and it threw me for a loop. I need to explain what happened.”
“You walked out without an explanation. You didn’t answer my texts or my calls. I was worried about you, and you didn’t bother to explain what was going on.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Who was so important?”
“It was nothing. Not more important than you.”
“Who was the text from?” Her voice was hard and angry. She clearly didn’t want to play games, and there was no beating around the bush.
“My ex.”
“Oh, that makes it so much better,” she said sarcastically.
“No, you don’t understand. She’s the one who broke my heart twice. She’s the one who I need to tell you about.”
“Look, Grant. I like you, but I don’t do relationships for a reason.”
“Like it or not, we’re in a relationship. And you need to let me explain a few things.”
“I don’t need to do anything. We never committed to each other. You’re free to meet up with your ex whenever you want. Just like I’m free to fuck whatever guy I decide to leave Strikers with tonight.”
I can’t even describe the pain that lanced through me at her words.
The thought of her with another man…it was enough to drive a sane man to insanity.
Fuck.
Just the thought of another man’s mouth on hers, his eyes on her naked body.
I couldn’t deal with it.
I wanted to punch my fist through the wall.
I realized violence would accomplish nothing, but I was at a loss. This beautiful woman was making threats I didn’t know how to handle.
And deep down, I knew it was completely my own fault.
“Will you please listen to me?”
“No thanks.”
“Avery, please. It isn’t what it sounds like.”
“How adorably cliché. I don’t care, Grant. Let’s just stop whatever this is before it gets too serious. I just want to have fun, and what happened last night was a reality check for me. We were getting too serious too fast.”
“Yeah, we were,” I admitted. “But it’s what I want. You are what I want.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re hot. You’re great in bed. But I can’t do anything more than that.”
“It’s okay to take a risk, Avery.” My voice was soft, because I’d just barely convinced myself. I wasn’t sure how I was going to convince her, too.
“No, it’s not. It doesn’t matter why it happened. The fact of the matter is it happened. You walked out. You didn’t respond to me. And that hurt more than I care to admit. So I’m going to cut my losses here and move on before I get caught in your web and I can’t get out.”
“Will you please just let me explain? So you could understand why her text affected me the way it did?”
She shook her head. “You had your chance to tell me about her. I gave myself over to you when I told you about my past. You had ample opportunities to tell me about your own, but you chose to keep it to yourself. And now it’s too late.”
“It’s not too late. It’ll never be too late for us.”
“Then how come it is?” she asked.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. She glanced at me one last time with sadness, and then she shut the door in my face.
CHAPTER 28
I sat in my leather recliner, my elbows on my knees and my feet on the floor as a tumbler of whiskey over ice dangled from my fingertips.
I stared over at the couch where I’d fucked Avery just a few nights earlier, wondering how the hell everything had gotten so fucked up.
It was Rachelle. Fucking Rachelle did this to me.
Again.
She’d broken my heart once when she’d said no to my proposal of marriage.
She’d broken my heart again when she’d fucked me for a week and given me the hope we’d end up together only to confess she was marrying anot
her man.
And now she’d broken my heart a third time by fucking everything up between Avery and me.
I’d just admitted to myself Avery was who I really wanted. I’d been given a third chance with Rachelle, but I didn’t want it. I wanted to get our breakfast over with so I could see Avery, so I could confess the hurt of my past and tell her I had fallen in love with her and I wanted to start looking toward the possibilities of a future together.
But Avery was pissed at me. I’d walked out on her without an explanation, and when I told her it was because my ex had texted me, she had assumed the worst.
I wasn’t sure how to get her to listen to me.
I didn’t know how to convince someone who didn’t want to be involved in a relationship that what we had together was going to be worth it.
I’d been in her position more than once. I’d been the guy telling the girl I didn’t want a relationship. I’d had plenty of girls who wanted more than a few nights with me, but after Rachelle, I’d never been interested in anything more than sex.
Until I met Avery.
I couldn’t just sit back and allow her to let us go.
We had something together, something amazing and special that deserved to be explored. So I was going to fight for her. We belonged together. We deserved happiness, and we deserved each other.
I just had to find a way to convince her of that.
I tossed back the rest of the whiskey and set the glass on my end table. I got up and paced back and forth in front of my entertainment center. The television was off and my house was quiet. Too quiet.
I wanted it filled with the sounds of Avery. Her voice, her laughter.
The sound of us making love on my couch.
The sound of me telling her about my past with Rachelle.
Instead, I only had the sounds in my head to keep me company because she didn’t want to hear it.
But I knew the truth. She was fighting the idea of exploring something more with me. She was scared.
And the absolute truth was I had been scared, too. I had been too scared to do anything about it when I’d had the chance, and now I was scared I’d wasted the time we had together and it was too late for us.
It couldn’t be.
I glanced at the clock on my phone. It was Saturday night, nearly eight. Avery had already admitted to me she was heading to Strikers that night. Strikers was a fairly seedy bar known for its strong drinks. I didn’t like the idea of her at a bar where any man in the world could take advantage of her. And worse, I didn’t like the idea of her going home with one of them.
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