Summertime Sadness

by Dylan Heart

  It’s barely a whisper, but I say goodbye to Blue, irrationally hoping he’s able to hear me.

  I love you.

  One deep breath. My grip tightens against the worn leather wheel. My face is heavy, emotion pouring out of me. Rake slides back into his seat. I feel the burn of his gaze against me. “What—”

  I cut him off but don’t face him, refusing to give him the satisfaction. My tear-stained face probably fills him with twisted joy, but it should fill him with irrevocable fear because his life is about to end. Maybe mine, too.

  But I’ve made peace with myself.

  I jerk the wheel to the right.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  BLUE

  I tap the brake, hoping to dodge another stray bullet. Rake’s gotten erratic, unsure of what exactly he plans to do. That much is obvious. I think he’d settle–at this point–for going out in a blaze of glory where he mistakenly believes he’s the hero.

  He slides back into the car, into his seat, and I’m thankful for a moment of relief. I step on the gas, hoping to get closer to them while I form a plan. The best idea I’ve got is to pull up next to them on Rake’s side and try to talk some sense into him.

  Like that would work.

  The other plan is to follow them until they run out of gas. Then I’ll rip him out of that car and beat him to death. I’ll take a bullet if I have to, but I will never give up on trying to save her.

  The trunk of the car pushes up slightly. When I squint, I can make out two things. It’s held shut with bungee cords and there’s an arm pushing against the trunk. Someone’s in there.

  The car steers right, veering off the road before hitting the embankment and flipping over. My foot slams the brake through the floor. My Jeep spins out while their car continues to roll into a cornfield.

  My Jeep comes to a halt as the back end slams into the base of a road sign with the banner of the Founders Carnival taped across it. I search frantically for my gun, notice it on the floor, and bend down to grab it. When I sit back up, I see smoke rising from the wreckage.

  I punch the door open and jump out, immediately sprinting toward the scene of the crash. “Charlie!” I scream as I cock my gun. When I think I can’t run any faster, when I feel my heart would beat out of my chest if I did, I push myself harder. I’m running on empty and all that’s left is adrenaline.

  A flame ignites on the underside of the flipped car. Out here on this deserted highway, there are only three things I hear. My heart racing, emptiness, and someone crying out for help. It’s not Charlie’s voice. It’s a man’s voice, but it’s muffled.

  I reach the overturned car. Rake crawls weakly from the wreckage, his bloody body hovering close to the ground. I extend my arm and point the gun at him. This is it. This is that life-defining moment that nobody ever sees coming. The one choice I didn’t want to have to make because I didn’t want to be the person I used to be. He’s pushed me to the edge and I have no choice.

  I look away as I pull the trigger.

  I make my way quickly to the driver’s side and dive to the ground. I don’t think I’ve cried since the day my dad informed me that my mother had skipped town, but I can feel the urge rising. I reach through the broken window, my arm scraping across shards of glass.

  With force, I drag her from the car and onto the muddy ground. I put an ear against her chest but can’t hear a single beat.

  “No, no, no...” I mumble and close my eyes tight. When I open them again, everything’s a blur. I rub the back of my fist against my eyes, hoping to clear my vision. There’s a pounding against the trunk of the car.

  I set Charlie’s head down gently against the ground and rush to the trunk. Whoever is inside continues to pound their fist against the metal. The flames begin to spread, the smoke filling the interior of the flipped car. Without taking proper aim, I fire a shot at the trunk. It pops open and Cookie rolls out onto the ground. When I reach down to grab him, he screams in pain but I’ve got to get him away from the car and get back to Charlie.

  I drag him away from the wreckage, beyond happy that he’s alive and barely noticing the bone that sticks out the bottom half of his leg. He screams again as I drop him onto the ground. I rush back to Charlie, pulling her head into my lap. I push hair out of her face, and I begin to rock her. “You need to wake up, baby.”

  There are blood-red tear stains scribbled underneath her eyes. I lay her down flat on the ground, frantically searching my mind for an article I read a long time ago. I push my hands against her ribs and breathe into her mouth. I don’t remember the exact counts, so I just start pumping away at her chest, taking great care to use restraint so as to not break her ribs. “Come on.”

  While pinching her nose tight, I press my lips to hers, breathing heavily into her mouth. A tear drips onto her cheek as I plead for her to wake up. “You can’t leave me.”

  The heat of the fire burns against my face. Fearful that the car might explode, I spin to grab her shoulders, dragging her away from the blaze. My foot sinks into a mudhole and I trip, landing hard against the ground. I kick my feet out, digging them further into the mud. “I’m so sorry...”

  I can’t bring myself to get any closer. My body leans against the thick trunk of the solitary oak tree. The sky is too blue, too perfect for a day like today. There should be thunder and rain. Lots of rain. There’s a gathering of maybe fifteen people packed densely together at the edge of the freshly-dug grave.

  There’s a preacher standing before the small crowd, the Good Book spread wide open, resting on the width of his arms as he reads a winding passage. I can’t make out a word of what he says, but I know that it doesn’t matter. Everything leads back to me.

  Loved ones comfort each other through naive tears. They either don’t know or don’t care how everything spun so far out of control. How a life that once showed promise has now been wasted.

  “You know he’ll come back someday and make you pay,” Cookie says from behind me.

  “Maybe,” I say somberly, not turning to look at him. He did what he had to do to save me; taking the blame was the least I could do. But since he shot Trey, things have changed, as they tend to do after you take a life. “But maybe it’s time for the cycle to end.”

  “You know Rake better than that. If he doesn’t do anything about it, the police will.”

  I turn to face him. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

  He shrugs, looking away from me. “I’m sorry I put you in this position.”

  “Don’t be.” I curl my palm into a tense fist and swipe my tongue across my lip. “At the end of the season, when we get to Lakeside, I’m done.”

  He shakes his head. “What will you do?”

  “I’ll start a new life, leave all this bullshit behind.” I put a hand up to the tree, steadying myself as I dream of a future where I can rest my head in the same place every night. “Maybe I’ll meet a girl, settle down, and marry her.” A mile-wide smile forms on my face, the first time since that life-ending scuffle with Trey.

  “That’s hilarious,” he jokes. “What kind of girl would fall for you?”

  “I guess we’ll find out.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  CHARLIE

  “What is this place?” I ask Dillon as he leads me through a never-ending white space. There’s no end in sight in any direction–up or down–it’s as if we’re walking on clouds.

  “We’ve only got a few minutes, so we need to talk quick.” He reaches for my hand and pulls me down as he sits against the emptiness. “You know I’ve always loved you, right?”

  “Dillon...”

  “Just answer me.”

  “I’ve known since the day we met, and I don’t remember anything that far back.”

  “Then that’s all that matters.” His tongue rolls across his lips. “It’s okay for you to let me go.”

  I launch myself onto my feet. “What is this?”

  He stands up slowly, placing his hand in mind. “Goodbye.�
��

  A tear drips from my eye. “I can’t lose you again.”

  “That’s the problem,” he smiles and goddammit, how I’ve missed the way his lips curl. “You’ve never lost me.”

  “Do dead people have selective memory?” I pull my hand away from his and wipe away the solitary tear.

  “Give me your hand.” He reaches for my hand and pulls it close to his heart. Then he places his other hand against my heart. “So long as it’s beating, I’ll be with you forever.”

  I chuckle through a tightened throat. “This is so cliché.”

  He ignores me and presses his palm tighter, closer to my heart. “I’ll always be a part of you, living inside your heart, because that’s where my home is.”

  “I love you, Dillon,” I say softly across quivering lips as a sea of tears rushes down my face.

  He places his palms against my cheeks. “Please don’t cry. Don’t be sad.”

  I smile. “They’re happy tears.”

  “Wake up!” A desperate cry with the pitch of a scream tears through my ear. My grasp on this alternative world, this white space, shakes. Dillon disappears and I’m pulled out of my body here and into—my body lying in a muddy field beside a blazing fire. My entire body jerks, giving way to a seizure. Cookie’s palms are pressed to my chest, and I watch as relief passes across his face. “Thank God,” he says through muted breaths.

  I raise myself up, taking in my surroundings. There’s an entire drum line beating against my skull. The finality of what I witnessed sinks in just as my body is sunk in this mud. Everything’s changed. The entire weight of the world lifts off my shoulders. There’s a momentary pause of relief where I’m thankful to be alive, knowing I’ll never take another breath for granted again. I’ve survived.

  But I look over to see Blue, frozen in place with his legs kicked out against the ground. “Blue...” He doesn’t move. His entire body is lost in some sort of catatonic state. “How long was I out?” I ask Cookie.

  “I don’t know,” he pants. “A few minutes.”

  “And Blue?”

  Cookie looks over to Blue, shaking his head slowly. “He was trying to resuscitate you and he just froze.”

  The heat of the fire touches the skin on my back. I crawl through the mud and place my hands on his shoulders, shaking him. “Wake up, Blue.” His beautiful blue eyes are empty, as if there’s nothing behind them. I shake him again. “Come on, you have to wake up.” My lip trembles. “Blue...”

  Cookie groans as he scoots across the ground and I notice a bone sticking out of his leg. My mouth sags and bile rises in my throat. There’s a good chance I’ll pass out again. While I’m lost, staring at the protrusion in his leg, I hear a slap against flesh. I crane my head to see Blue shaking his head, his cheek cherry red.

  “You’re welcome,” Cookie says as he sags back against the ground. He’s handling the pain much better than I would. It’s baffling how I was pulled out of the wreckage without visible injury. I must have hit my head.

  Blue’s arms wrap around me tightly, scaring the shit out of me, as I didn’t see it coming. I hug him back, caressing his back as his head leans against my neck. I think I even hear him sniffle, and trust me, I’d be crying too if my head didn’t hurt so badly.

  Blue and I fireman-carry Cookie across the road and into the back of the tattered Jeep. Behind us, the sun begins to crest over the horizon, shining light upon the scene of the dying fire. It’s six in the morning and the humidity is already setting in. The thickness of the air surrounds us. Blue hops into the driver’s seat and slams the door. I freeze in place, knowing that I’ve forgotten something but not quite sure what.

  I pivot on one foot, turning back to the wreckage. The money. I’m quick on my feet as I run toward the flipped car, throwing myself onto the ground once I get there. It’s gone. I stand back up and search the area with my eyes.

  The bag’s lying upside down in a bush. I grab it and sprint back toward the Jeep, then it hits me—we don’t have to run anymore. This nightmare is over. Sirens begin wailing in the near distance and I freeze in place, my feet planted dead center in the middle of the road. None of us thought about this—what would happen if the police came?

  I notice Blue’s eyes shift toward the incoming sirens. “Get in the car, Charlie,” he says dryly, not breaking focus. “Hurry.”

  It takes a few seconds to shake off the worry, but when I do, I dart to the Jeep in an instant, tossing the bag of cash into the seat beside Blue. “We’ve only got a few minutes, so I need you to listen to me, all right?”

  “Just get in, and we’ll talk about whatever it is—”

  “I’m not going.” The way it comes off my tongue isn’t as stern as I intended. Instead, it comes out weak.

  Blue shakes his head furiously. “No, I don’t accept that.”

  “You have to.” My eyes grow heavy. “I love you, there’s no way you could think otherwise—”

  “Then get in the car.”

  “I mean, I flipped a car because I thought it’d save you.”

  He pops the door open and hops out onto the road. “What about our plan? We were going to leave this all behind.”

  “It was different then. There was a crazy man chasing after us,” I say, processing it all. “I was scared I was going to die.”

  He brushes a hand through my hair. “I think you kinda did.” He laughs through a veil of sadness.

  “That shouldn’t be funny.” But it is—in a fucked-up kind of way.

  “All I’ve ever wanted was a home. And I found it and it was shattered, and then I found it again in that hotel room,” he says frantically. “I realized everything was going to be all right because I had you.”

  My eyes lock with his. “Then stay.”

  His head shakes. “You know I can’t. I’m a wanted man and there’s no getting out of this mess.”

  I grab onto his arm, holding him with a grip of death. “My dad’s a lawyer. He can fix this.”

  “How would we explain a bullet through Rake’s brain?”

  “We could start with the fact that he’s a psycho and build the case from there.”

  He drags a thumb across his lip. At least I know he’s contemplating staying. A long, drawn-out breath and a shrug later, I realize it was false hope. “I’m sorry.”

  Tears build up in my eyes. “Then get in your Jeep and run.”

  “Not without you,” he says between clenched lips.

  I force a smile. This is an impossible decision, but I have to keep a face of resolve. It’ll be easier this way. “I’ll stay behind and handle everything. And when it’s all over, you can come back to Lakeside.” There’s a good chance he’s right, that somehow the police will pin equal blame on all parties involved, but something feels wrong about leaving now. I’ve only said goodbye to two and a half people. Tyson at the carnival and Dillon in my post-death, pre-resurrection dream. And a half-assed letter to my mother.

  “Then I’ll be back someday.” He grabs both of my hands. “Because a life without you isn’t an option.”

  “You’re telling me,” I say, relieved, as I wipe my eye with a thumb.

  He laces his fingers with mine, holding them tight as he kisses me softly. The touch of his lips brings a million memories to the surface, every single emotion imaginable present in the smoothness of his touch. “I love you,” he breathes into my mouth before pulling away.

  The sirens grow louder. They are well within a minute’s distance. “You should go.”

  His head bows to the side. “Are you sure you won’t come?”

  I give him a slight nod, afraid my words would betray me. His fingers slide out of mine slowly, as if he’s hoping I’ll grab onto him and never let go. Every further micrometer he slips, the strength in my legs grows weaker.

  He looks back at me longingly as he slides into his seat. When it sinks in, and he accepts the fact that I’m not going, he turns around and steps on the gas. The wheels turn slowly. I give him one last perf
ect smile. The steady flow of tears follows instantly.

  I don’t know if he’s driving ten miles an hour or if my world has come to a sudden halt. Blue and red flashing lights spin over a rolling hill less than a half mile away. My head tells me I should step off the road and into the grass but goddamn if my heart doesn’t have other plans.

  “Blue!” I scream at the top of my lungs, waving my hands like the final girl in a horror film trying to hitchhike a ride after all her friends have been cut into pieces with a chainsaw. Is it just me or are his wheels now turning faster? He must have seen the lights.

  I give my entire body a shake and kick my feet against the asphalt beneath me, running faster than I’ve ever run. “Blue!” I scream again. “Stop!”

  He’s not slowing down and I’m losing ground while the cops behind me gain it. If they see me in the street, running from the scene, I’ll surely spend the rest of my life in prison. “Please stop.” I mean to scream again, but it comes out as a whimper. My lungs pull tight, and I throw myself onto the surface of the road in defeat as Blue begins to fade into the distance.

  I cry into the cracks of the road, giving myself in to the overwhelming sobs of loss. Then I hear screeching brakes. When I look up, I see Blue’s legs running past the red brake lights of his Jeep. My lips quiver on the verge of the revelation that my brief bout of insanity didn’t cause me any more grief.

  My feet rise before my head, a physical impossibility, but that’s the way it feels. I rush toward him, launching myself into his arms.

  “You’re so stupid,” he says, and I know it’s the best sort of compliment. “So fucking crazy.”

  “I know, right?”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  I kick my legs out from around him and hop onto the ground. “It took me a few seconds too long to figure it out. But if I let you drive away, then all of this would’ve been for nothing.” He nods his head and I assume that he’s agreeing with me, but I can’t be too sure. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, take me home, Blue.”