Masquerade

by Lam, Laura

  He fell against me, resting his head against my thigh. I pushed the sweaty hair back from his forehead. I wanted to be angry with him, but how could I? He was hurting. Seeing his father must have brought back memories of the time just after he left. He’d stolen Elixir months ago and hadn’t taken any, but it was too much at once.

  ‘How much of this did you take that night from Elwood’s place?’ I asked him. ‘Answer me honestly.’

  ‘A few vials.’

  Earlier, he’d said he’d only taken one.

  ‘How many exactly?’

  A soft breath. ‘Six. Five, now.’ His voice grew fuzzy, his eyelids drooping.

  I shook him. ‘Stay awake.’

  ‘I’m awake. I’m awakened. More than I’ve ever been.’ His eyes widened. ‘Did you know there’s no one like you in the entire world, Micah Grey?’

  ‘Yes, I did. There’s no one like you, either. We’re all unique.’

  ‘Yes. Yes. There’s so many lives. Each with their own story. Their own joys. Their own sorrows. How could I go so long when I was young, never giving them a second thought? How could I have been so selfish?’

  ‘You learned from it. You moved on. You’re not the same person you were when you ran away, Drystan.’

  ‘You always see through me, Micah. Always see to the heart of it. Even when I hid from you, behind the veneer of the White Clown. And you’re still here. You’re not afraid.’

  ‘Why would I ever be afraid?’

  ‘I was a terrible person,’ he said, and he was crying. ‘Maybe I still am. I might destroy my sister’s prospects. My father’s standing would be compromised. Look, I can’t even resist sticking a needle into my veins. I swore I would never do this again. I promised Maske, years ago, and then I fail under his own roof. I’ve disappointed him. I’ve disappointed you. I disappoint everyone.’

  ‘Stop with that nonsense, right now, Drystan. I won’t stand for it.’ At my sharp tone, he looked up at me, blearily.

  ‘You have never disappointed me. You were one of my first friends in the circus, even if you scared me half-senseless when you did that weird thing with your eyes.’

  That startled a laugh from him and he made his eyes vibrate in his sockets, just like he had the night I met him.

  ‘Ew! Don’t do that.’ He managed to make me laugh too, but it faded. ‘I mean it. When I told you who I had been before, you kept my secret. You’ve saved my life. You accepted me, you loved me, and you weren’t afraid that I was different. Do you realize how much that means to me? Ever since I can remember, my mother always told me that no one could love me as I was. That I had to hide and change what I was to be accepted. You never have. Not once. I’m so grateful to have you, to love you and have you love me.’

  My outpouring of words sputtered to a halt.

  Drystan broke down, weeping openly. I gathered him even closer, tears falling from our eyes.

  He babbled to me of what the world was telling him, how he wished he could fly. When the cold of the claustrophobic room made us both shiver, I drew him up and led him to the kitchen, setting him at the table and making him drink some tea and eat some toast. This proved to be a mistake, as he couldn’t keep the toast down. I cleaned him up.

  ‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Come upstairs.’

  He leaned heavily on me. He smelled of the mint tea I’d given him. He kept mumbling, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Halfway back to the bedroom he stopped and looked up at the ceiling.

  ‘Above us is so much open space, yet we hide from it under roofs and towers. Maybe if there are a Lord and Lady up there, we’re afraid for them to see what we’re really up to behind closed doors and under the roof slates.’

  ‘Or we build roofs because it’s cold and rain is wet.’ I urged him on again. Far off, I sensed Cyan awakening from slumber, alarmed. Leave it, I told her. This is between us. She drifted away, but left the smallest tendril of concern behind.

  I managed to half-drag Drystan to bed. I took off his sweat-stained shirt, then left him long enough to fetch a large glass of water and a damp cloth. I forced him to drink all the water, hoping it would help. I used the cloth to wipe away the sweat from his skin. He lay in bed and shivered, eyes staring upright, pupils large and dark. Sometimes he’d mumble, but often he was silent, lost in the throes of the drug.

  The drug affected him far more than me. I ended up feeling alert, powerful, a little high but still able to function. Drystan was on a whole different trip. I understood Drystan’s desire for an escape. He stopped responding to me when I spoke to him, his breath coming in great gasps. His pulse was fast. I sat next to him, holding his hand. Using my new awareness, I could tell he wasn’t in enough danger to need to go to the hospital or the doctor. Was this how he had felt, that day Frey’s power had grown so strong? So powerless?

  Hours later, the drug finally began to loosen its hold. I held him close as his shaking slowed. His eyes opened, the beautiful blue bloodshot.

  ‘You’re still here,’ he whispered.

  ‘Where else would I be? I’m always by your side.’

  His breath caught in his throat. ‘Oh, Micah. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love you.’

  I kissed him. He kissed me back and clung to me. I held him until he fell asleep.

  Then I left the bed, tucking the covers around him. And, methodically, went through our room, into every nook and cranny. Nothing.

  I crept back to the bed and whispered in his ear: ‘Where’s the Elixir, Drystan?’

  Drystan mumbled, but I couldn’t catch it. I asked him again.

  ‘Mmmh. You’ll just take it.’

  ‘Where is it, Drystan?’

  A brief, sleepy whine. A sigh. ‘Bookshelf in the lounge. Behind the history of Lerium.’ He laughed softly and then settled back into sleep.

  Typical. I waited until his breathing was steady, and crept to the lounge. He wouldn’t remember telling me that he’d hidden it in plain sight. I found the vials Drystan had lifted from Shadow Elwood’s apartments. My fingers shook as I held them, and despite everything, I was tempted to take an extra dose of my own, to feel that rush of magic. Somehow, I resisted.

  Unsure where to hide them. I ended up sneaking into Maske’s bedroom and workshop. He slept soundly in the bed. I found a cupboard filled with old, spare brass springs and cogs, hiding the vials at the very back. I locked the cupboard and I hid the key in another drawer. It’d mean awkward questions if Maske needed to access that cupboard, but judging by the state of the coils, he’d brought them ‘just in case’ and would probably never actually use them.

  Then I went back upstairs and crawled back into bed with the boy I loved, my tears falling into his hair.

  20

  SIDE EFFECTS

  When stories speak of Chimaera granting wishes, the people in them always waste them. You don’t need three – you only need one. Wish for unlimited power, which you can control and understand completely. You could use that for anything. Why wish for land or money? Power can create that. Some things are beyond power’s control, you’d say. What of love or human emotion? Power could change that too. Power can do anything.

  — Anonymous

  We did not speak of it the next morning.

  Lily sent word, and Cyan and I went to her apartments. Drystan stayed behind, weak and suffering from the aftereffects of the Elixir.

  Anisa had urged us to see Frey as much as we were able, to work on focusing and controlling his power. I was exhausted from the night before, and wanted nothing more than to lie in bed until the sun was high in the sky, but that was not to be. Cyan and I told Maske that Drystan was unwell, and we just wanted some fresh air, for the day was beautiful. Maske nodded, saying he’d be in the workshop as usual. He still took things easy as he recovered from his own illness. And so easily, we told him another lie.

  What happened last night? Cyan asked as we walked through the streets.

  I swallowed. She already knew, but we went t
hrough the motions. Drystan used some of the Elixir he stole from Shadow Elwood.

  Is he all right?

  I think so. I hope so.

  She reached out and took my hand, pressing it tightly. It’s hard for him. I’ve sensed it. But I think he will be fine. This was his sign that he needs to truly look at how he’s feeling. Reconcile his old life and his new.

  As usual, she’d found a way to express it perfectly. Drystan needed to mend the broken pieces of his life, the various people he had been. The spoiled nobleman. The drug dealer and the card sharp. The clown in the circus, and now the magician who had turned his life around. He couldn’t shed the guilt of who he used to be.

  We’d reached Lily’s apartment building, and I was glad; I didn’t wish to discuss it any more. The doorman let us in as usual, and Lily welcomed us into the lounge. Kai wasn’t there. She offered us tea, and as a gesture of good faith, we accepted. As soon as the tea was poured, she told us:

  ‘I gave that sample of Elixir to my friend, as I promised.’

  ‘Who’s the friend?’

  ‘Someone who works at the University.’

  I stiffened. ‘Pozzi has many friends at the University.’

  ‘She is not one, I assure you.’ Lily fidgeted. ‘She has results, and they confirm what Pozzi has told us, for the most part. Part Lerium, and part some sort of Vestige substance. She’s running further tests, trying to find out anything more. But there’s so much about Vestige we don’t know.’

  I tried to think of what it could be. Some sort of liquid? But most of the Vestige items I’d come across were gadgets and machines, nothing that could potentially be ingested. Yet the Vestige we knew about was only a faint echo of what must actually exist. In one of Anisa’s dream memories, she and Matla, the owl-woman, had gone to Linde to rescue Ahti. The Kashura, those Alder who hated Chimaera, wanted to implant something into him – perhaps one of those? But that had been half a world and centuries ago.

  ‘Who is this woman who tested it?’ I asked.

  ‘She’s one of the chemistry professors. Her name is Professor Teak, and she helped me now and again when I was a Shadow. She’s one of the few to know of my double identity, and she’s never told anyone. She specializes in looking at the chemical components of Vestige, though she often focuses on machines, such as automatons. She can keep looking, see if she can recreate it.’

  I didn’t like the thought of more people knowing our secrets, yet I could see that Lily yearned to tell Professor Teak and find the answers as much as I did. What the Styx was Pozzi injecting into us? My fingers rested on the crook of my elbow.

  What do you think? I asked Cyan.

  Honestly, I don’t know. It’s to do with Elixir, so it’s your call.

  ‘If you think she’s trustworthy, then tell her. Though, obviously, leave our names out of it.’

  ‘Of course.’ Lily sighed. ‘I feel like we’re coming closer. Like it’s all just beyond our reach.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I feel like it’s further away than ever.’

  We drank our tea. Lily took the cups into the small kitchen and we made our way to Frey’s bedroom. It was difficult to concentrate on the lessons, my mind whirring with possibilities.

  ‘Focus,’ Anisa admonished. I sighed and turned back. Frey was likewise restless, growing bored within five minutes. We persevered. Meditating, building mental walls, drawing the power in closer to his chest. Once instructed, Frey was quite quick to pick up on things.

  Cyan shook her head in amazement. ‘With his walls that tight, I can’t sense anything from him at all.’ There was no trace of that fierce, terrible power.

  Once Frey had accomplished building mental walls, Anisa instructed him – and, by proxy, Cyan and me – on directing power. She showed us how to keep ourselves shielded but for one small beam to focus. The first time he tried, Frey was able to levitate one of his teddy bears.

  It didn’t work for Cyan, whose abilities were telepathic rather than telekinetic. Tentatively, I tried myself. I took a deep breath and cleared my mind, imagining the bear lifting and hovering.

  Nothing.

  I cleared my mind again, thinking of the cool, blue light of Penglass. Focusing was like trying to move my ears and moving my eyelids instead. I tried once more. The teddy bear gave a sad wobble. I let out a breath, and it stopped. I tried again, and again, until a migraine threatened to overwhelm me. It didn’t move again, no matter how hard I tried, and it never rose.

  I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. Still, I had made it move, with nothing more than the power of my mind.

  Next, Anisa had Frey focus on creating the illusion over his features again. I lent him my Glamour, and Anisa walked him through programming the small controls on the back. It took much longer, for Frey kept wanting to give himself purple eyes or bright green hair, which made me smile. Eventually, though, he could use the Glamour to focus the illusion.

  Frey stared back at us from his new face. His skin had lightened to peach and his eyes were a less luminescent shade of green. His fingernails were pink as seashells instead of dark claws. Brown curly hair on his head, with no sign of horns. He looked a little sad when he looked in the mirror, and I didn’t know what to say to him. If only the world was not so afraid of scaled skin and horns.

  Soon, even Frey and his boundless energy flagged. He yawned, stretching his arms over his head. As if connected to him, Lily entered to bring some snacks for us and to move him in his chair. The former Shadow kept looking at Anisa out of the corner of her eye, and I couldn’t blame her. Anisa took a bit of time to grow used to. We nibbled at the treats – crackers and cheese, apples and celery.

  When the afternoon lengthened, we took our leave. Anisa disappeared back into her Aleph and I tucked her into my pocket. After eating, Lily had put Frey to bed, and he slept deeply, the illusion of normalcy gone.

  ‘Until next time,’ Lily said. ‘I’ll let you know as soon as I have more answers.’

  I nodded. ‘More answers to raise more questions.’

  My stomach fluttered as I climbed the stairs to our loft. Drystan had said little when I’d dragged myself out of bed that morning. When I returned, he greeted me kindly, even if he was subdued. I wondered if he’d gone to the library to discover his cache of Elixir was gone. If so, he didn’t mention it.

  He’d washed, and his golden hair curled about his ears and forehead. I perched next to him on the bed, unsure what to say.

  ‘I noticed something this morning,’ he said.

  ‘What?’ I asked, with some trepidation.

  He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. There, in the crook of his arm, was a dark little mark. Right where the needle had gone. I squinted, moving close enough to touch his skin. The skin was dry, and I brushed away the flakes of dry skin. There was a dark spot. Dark green.

  ‘What the . . .’

  ‘I know,’ he said, his voice shaking. ‘It’s the same shade as Frey’s skin.’

  ‘How do you feel?’ I asked, trying to dampen my growing alarm. ‘Is it spreading?’

  ‘I feel fine. It hasn’t changed. No extra abilities. Tired, but that passed.’

  I rolled up my sleeve and peered at the crook of my elbow. How had I missed it? The marks weren’t near as pronounced as Drystan’s, but where the needle went into the vein were tiny dots, like dark green freckles.

  ‘So he is causing changes in us, too.’ Of course it made sense. I must have known. It was so clear, so obvious.

  ‘If you went off Elixir, I doubt anything would happen,’ Drystan said, rubbing at the mark again, as if he could erase it. My guess was that he’d always have it.

  ‘But what about the fit? Or the fact I feel so tired before treatments?’

  Drystan thought back, his brow crinkling. He looked much better than he had this morning. I could tell that focusing on this problem was easier for him than having to face what happened last night. ‘The night we won the duel against Taliesin. Pozzi was the
re, at the party afterwards, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes.’ I remembered the sight of the theatre, filled to bursting with revellers, Maske grinning from ear to ear. Cyan reuniting with her parents after she’d fled the circus, and then finally telling Maske that she was actually his biological daughter. ‘I spoke to him.’

  ‘Did he give you anything?’

  My stomach turned. ‘He gave me a glass of wine. I had one sip.’

  Drystan nodded. ‘There you go. He pulled a magic trick of his own on you. Basic misdirection. Caused the fit, let you believe it was due to your health, and then started dosing you once a week. That explains why Cyan has had no symptoms, despite her powers being undeniably stronger than yours.’

  My skin itched. ‘That manipulative bastard. But what if I stop and he was right?’

  Drystan stared ahead. ‘Well, we have enough Elixir for a few more treatments, if we need to.’ His jaw worked. ‘You hid them well, I hope?’

  My mouth opened, then closed. I could only nod.

  ‘Well . . . then that will help for a while. Otherwise, I suppose we hope this friend of Lily’s can figure out what’s in it, and if need be, we somehow recreate the formula.’

  I swallowed. I hated this. Not knowing if I could trust my own body not to turn on itself.

  ‘I’m meant to see Pozzi in two days. What do I do?’

  Drystan looked at me. His eyes were dark and haunted. ‘I don’t know. Last night I thought I had all the answers of the world at my fingertips. Today I feel as blind as a newborn mole rat.’

  ‘Should we ask Anisa?’ I asked.

  ‘She’ll give us no straight answers. I don’t know if I trust her any more than Pozzi, to be honest.’

  My eyes darted to the bed stand. Anisa’s Aleph was in the top drawer. I never knew how aware she was when she was in there. Sometimes she spoke to us, but often it was as though she were hibernating, or asleep, to save power.

  ‘Pozzi being the one to destroy the Chimaera doesn’t make sense, as he’s been creating them,’ I said.

  ‘Timur seems the more logical choice. He has already killed Chimaera, and was looking for Cyan.’