Double Betrayal (Surviving Book 3)

by Frost, Ada

  “Move!” Rhea tugged on Izzy’s arm again, motioning for her to put her shoes on. I grabbed Izzy’s coat and started to put it on her when Rhea snatched it away from me. “We’ll be back in a few hours.”

  I nodded and watched as Izzy walked out of the house with her mum. I hated having no power to stop it, but what could I do? The more I antagonised Rhea, the worse she became.

  I glanced at the clock; it was nearing nine thirty. I reached over and swiped at my phone screen. I went through my phone looking for Rhea’s number and dialled.

  “Rhea, where are you? Izzy should be at home in bed by now.”

  “She is in bed; she has been for an hour. What kind of mother do you take me for?” I rolled my eyes, but then her words slammed into me.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I had a surprise for her. I booked us a few days away so we could spend Christmas together.”

  “What!”

  “I couldn’t tell you and spoil the surprise for her.”

  “Rhea, it’s my turn – she’s having Christmas here, with me.”

  “No, she really isn’t.” I could hear the laughter in her voice, the smug satisfaction. She knew I loved Christmas and I had only ever gotten to spend one Christmas Day with Izzy. It was always Jack who had the privilege.

  “Rhea, please bring her home,” I pleaded. I didn’t care if she gloated as long as she brought my baby girl home.

  “I can’t. Listen, I’ve got to go –”

  “No, don’t go. Listen, we can spend the day together – the three of us. Just, please bring her back. All her presents are here.”

  “No.”

  “Where are you? I can come to you; we can –”

  “I don’t want you here. This is mother-daughter time. You want a family? Get one of your own.” With those painful words, she ended the call. I immediately dialled her number, only to have it go straight to voicemail.

  “Please, Rhea. I'm begging, if that’s what you want, I'm begging you to bring her home. Please, please don’t do this. Please, Rhea.”

  Tears rolled down my face and I stared at my phone, praying she would phone me back, but she never did. The hours ticked by and I sat by the window, waiting for her car to bring her back. I watched the tree lights dancing, casting multicoloured shadows over the wall. I hated not having my baby girl home at Christmas, but I also understood her daddy wanted her with him. Each year I said goodbye Christmas Eve as she giddily jumped into Jack’s car.

  It had hurt not having her with me, but I’d call as early as possible Christmas Day and Jack would stay on the line and let me listen to her opening her presents, then she would ring throughout the day to tell me of the different gifts she’d received. And never had I sat alone; my brothers were beside me, cheering me up, bickering over TV channels. But this year they were giving me space to spend it with my baby girl. But she wasn’t here. I was alone, completely and utterly alone.

  I sucked in a breath and decided I couldn’t sit and wallow. I would set Izzy’s presents out just like Santa would. I placed the shiny pink parcels under the tree.

  I woke with a start when a knock sounded at the front door. I jumped up from the sofa, realising I must have fallen asleep. I yanked the door open, praying Rhea wasn’t cruel enough to keep Izzy the whole time. But I sucked in a startled breath when I caught sight of the man bearing gifts on the porch.

  “Merry Christmas.” His smile was hesitant. He held out the pile of parcels. I looked down at them and frowned before taking them. “Where’s Izzy?” He looked around the doorframe into the house.

  “She isn’t here. Her – my sister has taken her on holiday.”

  “I thought –”

  “Johan, thanks for the presents, but it’s cold and –”

  “Yeah, sorry. Erm…Lou wanted to bring them herself, but both our families –”

  “It’s fine.” I turned to walk into the house. The only family I could think about was Will, and today I didn’t have the strength to fight the pain thoughts of him caused. I placed the parcels on the chair and rummaged under the tree. I pulled a small blue parcel out and handed it to Johan. “This is for Alfie; it isn’t much, sorry.”

  “Thank you.” He rubbed his finger behind his ear. “She misses you, Lou; I mean –”

  “Don’t.”

  “Are you spending the day with your brothers?”

  “No.”

  “What –”

  “I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to get dressed, so –” I motioned to the door. I hated being a twat, but he had stood by and knowingly let me make a fool of myself. I still couldn’t forgive him, or Lou, for that matter.

  “Sure, okay. Well, Merry Christmas.” I nodded, and when he walked out, I closed the door before he could say anything else. I glanced into the lounge at the neat stack of presents and decided to place them under the tree. I paused when a flat, rectangular gift caught my eye. I glanced at the tag and sucked in a pained breath.

  For my pixie.

  Love Always,

  Your Giant x

  Rage and sadness filled me in equal parts. I ran my thumb over the neat script before tearing into the wrapping. I opened the velvet box and a sob broke free when I caught sight of his gift. I didn’t know if it was a means to destroy me even further, or the most precious thing I had ever received. With shaking hands, I pulled out the silver frame and slid my fingers over the glass. Encased in a beautiful frame was a close-up picture of me and my baby girl, smiling at the camera. I remembered him taking it once when we went to the park. Izzy had beautiful rosy cheeks from running about so much. He had taken the snap when I’d grabbed her and swung her around before kissing her.

  I pressed the frame to my chest and cried harder than I had since he broke me.

  I walked through the cold damp winter morning, clinging to the soft little pink unicorn and Christmas balloon. I could see a few other people dotted around the area. None of them paid me any attention as they brought gifts to their loved ones. I walked down the moss covered path, avoiding slippery parts and raised bulges from destructive tree roots. I turned left down a little path, taking in the array of fresh flowers and trinkets dotted around. I stepped onto the soggy grass and with a deep breath fixed my eyes on my destination. A thick lump lodged in my throat and I clutched the unicorn tighter.

  “Merry Christmas, babygirl,” I choked. I wiped hard at my face as tears rolled down. No matter how many times I visited, my heart split in two all over again. I stared at the grey marble stone before leaning over and pressing my lips to it.

  Clara-Mae.

  “I brought you a present, baby. Usually Izzy likes to help me, but she –” I cleared my throat and took in a cold lungful of winter air. “I’m alone this year, babygirl. It was my year to have Izzy, but her mum took her instead.” I cleared away some brown leaves at the base of the stone and placed the unicorn next to the marble. I tied the balloon around a heavy stone and put it into the soil. I stood at the foot of the grave, staring at the words written across the polished stone.

  Clara-Mae Richards

  Born Sleeping

  9th June 2008

  Held for a moment

  Loved for a lifetime

  I curled into myself and sat on the wet ground, not caring my arse would get wet. I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing with every fibre in my body I was holding my baby. Tears rolled freely down my cheeks.

  “I miss you so much, Clara. I wish you were here in my arms. There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t miss you. I wonder what you would have looked like; would you have had blonde hair like me, brown eyes like your daddy? You would have been six this year, baby; you’d have been so beautiful.” I covered my face with my hands and let out a loud cry; my chest tightened and my throat burned as the pain of loss exploded out of me. In the cold and wet I sat on the ground of the graveyard and cried out my pain.

  “I love you so much, sweetheart,” I cried, not caring tears were running down my face and I sounde
d like a wounded animal. “Why didn’t I have a camera to take your picture? I hate myself for not having something solid. I remember you, but it scares me one day I might not. You were per–perfect.” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry – I'm so, so sorry I wasn’t strong enough to carry you. To deliver you…” I curled into a ball at the side of her grave, just like I curled up next to Izzy in bed. I pulled the unicorn into my arms, needing something to hold. The cold seeped into my bones, the wetness from the ground soaked through my duffel coat.

  “I’m going to stay here, baby, and spend Christmas with you. This will be our first Christmas together.” I’d never dared come on Christmas day before. I never wanted to upset my brothers or Izzy if she rang and heard I’d been crying.

  I closed my eyes and pictured her tiny little frame, swaddled in hospital blankets, her tiny eyes screwed tight shut. I never got to see her eyes. I started humming Silent Night; it was a little choppy through my sobbing, but I needed to sing to my little girl.

  I lay there on the cold damp earth until my fingers were numb, my feet were like ice blocks and the side of my body pressed into the earth was hurting with the cold. Rain started to fall, hitting my cheeks, mixing with my tears. I cradled the unicorn to my chest to protect it from the weather, although I had no idea why, seeing as I would be leaving it there for her. I picked more leaves from the ground and threw them behind the stone.

  “Your uncles are in Scotland skiing, and probably getting into all sorts of mischief. Izzy is with Rhea and your daddy –”

  “Is here.”

  I startled, fumbling to sit up, but my muscles protested and hurt when I tried to move. My coat was soaked with the rain. Jack’s hair was plastered down to his head. His coat collar was pulled up around his ears and he hugged himself against the cold.

  “Em, what are you doing?”

  “I had no one else,” I said numbly, looking up at him, blinking rapidly as rain fell into my face. The wind whipped around my straggly hair. Jack knelt beside me and his warm hands cupped my face.

  “You always have me, Em. Always.” He slid his fingers into my hair, moving the ratty tails out of my face. His warmth made me shiver, wakening my body to the icy chill.

  “I miss her so much,” I whispered and closed my eyes as more tears rolled down my face. He pulled me into his body and wrapped his arms around me. I clung to him, needing his warmth and comfort. Jack pressed a kiss to the top of my head and sat beside me on the cold ground. He pulled me into his lap and held me tightly against his chest.

  “What was she like?” he asked softly.

  “Perfect.” I opened my eyes to stare at the gravestone. I had never visited here with Jack; the last time we were beside her grave was the day they put her tiny casket into the ground. “I’m sorry you never saw her.”

  He squeezed me tighter. I heard him swallow and I clutched him tighter.

  “I come here to talk to her sometimes.” He laughed to hide his embarrassment. “Silly, huh?”

  “No, I think it’s sweet.”

  “Our little piece of heaven,” he said quietly.

  I bobbed my head, unable to speak.

  “I wish I’d seen her, held her. Told her I loved her and her – mummy.” I turned my head into his chest; my heart crumbled and shattered. The pain of losing her was too raw. I couldn't talk to Jack after we lost her. So this was the first time in six years we had openly discussed Clara.

  “Do you know the worst thing?” I asked, looking up at him. He stared down at me; raindrops clung to his dark eyelashes. He shook his head, dislodging the droplets, sending them tumbling down his cheeks.

  “Izzy was the exact same image when she was born. It was like holding Clara-Mae all over again. But she wasn’t mine. She was –”

  “I’m sorry.” He cupped my face and the pain in his eyes added to my grief.

  “We can’t be sorry, because I hate myself to even think of regretting Izzy. Because I love her so much. I hated you for so long; you broke my heart, Jack. But Izzy – Izzy is an angel. I look at her and wonder if Clara would have looked the same, would she be as beautiful and smart.” I turned to look at the headstone. “It takes my breath away sometimes, catches me unaware, how thoughts suddenly invade me about Clara.”

  “She will always be a part of us; the most amazing part.”

  I looked at him; he ran his fingers through my hair again, staring directly into my eyes. I had loved him so much at one time. “Why did you do it?”

  He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. “I regret it every day, every moment you aren’t in my arms. But I swear on everything I hold dear, I didn't know it was Rhea. Okay, some part of me knew something was off, but I hadn’t seen you in weeks. I just – I’d missed you so fucking much, baby.” He pulled me away from him. Holding my cold cheeks in his hands, he brought our faces together and rested his forehead against mine. His warm breath fanned across my lips.

  “I regret it every fucking day. And do you know what? I hate myself, because if I could go back and change it, I couldn't, because that would mean I’d lose Izzy.”

  I closed my eyes and relaxed into his hold, clutching at his coat. “Me either.”

  We sat in the cold rain beside our little girl for a little while longer in silence, holding one another. And although my heart hurt, it no longer hurt over the loss of Jack. I missed my baby girl, I missed Izzy, and I missed Will. Sadly, none of those things were mine. I couldn't hold my baby, Izzy wasn’t mine, and Will had dumped me. I was essentially alone.

  “Let’s get you home. You’re going to catch your death, baby.” I bobbed my head in agreement.

  Jack drove silently back to his house; I didn't argue. Strangely, I needed the familiarity. I was slipping slowly into a black hole and I feared I wouldn’t ever find my way out. My head hurt, my heart was broken, and my body was numb. The car door opened, startling me. I glanced out and Jack was standing beside me, holding his hand out. We were already at his house.

  “You’re in a world of your own, Em.”

  I snorted a humourless laugh and took hold of his hand. He was so warm against my icy skin. He wrapped his arm around my waist and we walked silently to his house. When he opened the door, the heat hit me like a tsunami of warm cuddles. I sighed, loving the sensation.

  “Go take a shower, warm up, and I’ll get us some drinks. My shirts are in the second drawer on the left.”

  I smiled and numbly followed his instructions. The hot water was wonderful; my skin itched from the sudden change in temperature. I closed my eyes and let the force of the water pelt my face.

  I dried off and pulled on a clean blue t-shirt of Jack’s. The clean scent of fabric conditioner assaulted me and I pulled the cotton to my nose. I pulled my knickers back on and hung my wet dirty clothes over the radiator.

  When I entered the lounge downstairs, Jack was sitting on the sofa eating a sandwich, flicking through the channels on the TV. He glanced at me, doing a double take. His eyes roamed down my bare legs and back up to my face. His cheeks reddened and he quickly averted his eyes and patted the cushion next to him.

  “I made you a sandwich and poured you some brandy. I don’t have any wine, sorry.”

  “It’s fine, thank you.” I tucked my legs underneath me and took a bite out of the soft bread. My stomach grumbled loudly, making me laugh, and Jack turn toward me. “Hungrier than I thought.” I smiled around another bite.

  “How are you feeling now?”

  “Warm.”

  Jack cocked an eyebrow at me, making me grin back at him. “The shower was so good, and thanks for this.” I pulled at the shirt and picked up my drink to take a long swig. The liquid burned my throat and made me cough a little. “Christ, it’s like drinking fire.”

  “It’ll warm you up.” He patted me gently on the back, leaving his hand there as he stared at me. I lifted the glass to my lips and took another gulp, finishing it. The warmth spread out, sending little tingles to my toes,
nose, and fingers.

  “I like it.” I held my glass out to him.

  “More?” he choked out, staring at my mouth. I nodded, licking the last of the flavour from my lips. When he stood and wandered into the kitchen, I covered my face with my hands. I needed to leave. I should go put my clothes back on and ask Jack to take me home. But I didn’t. What I did do was infinitely worse.

  Jack sat beside me and handed me my glass. He also had a glass, and once I took mine from him, he swallowed his in one go. He sat staring forward, his jaw tight. His knee bounced, brushing against mine, bringing my attention to the fact he had sat much, much closer this time. I took a sip of my drink, watching the nervous energy beside me. His hair had dried and curled at the ends, and his chin was shadowed with dark stubble. I followed the contour of his neck and shoulders. He was nowhere near the height or build of Will, my handsome giant, but he was fit. I pressed the glass against my lips, taking another sip.

  Jack glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “Don’t look at me like that, Em, please.”

  “Like what?” I asked innocently, because in all fairness, I wasn’t meaning to look at him in anyway.

  “Do you want me to take you home?”

  I slowly shook my head, letting my lips run against the rim of the glass.

  “You want to stay here? With me?” He turned to look at me, his breathing accelerated.

  “I don’t want to be alone,” I almost whispered. The brandy had numbed the ache. I felt warm, and the familiarity of Jack was a comfort, and I needed that right then.

  “Are you sure?”

  I swallowed the remainder of my drink and leaned forward to place the glass on the coffee table. I curled into him, pressing my cheek against his chest. His heart was pounding. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “Em?”

  I looked up into his chocolate eyes. I used to love staring into his velvety gaze when we made love. “What?”

  He cupped my cheek, sliding his thumb against my lips. “We can’t do this. You know I’d be yours in a heartbeat, but I’m not who you want. I love you, I always have, but our story has ended. Using me to block out the guy you’re hiding from won’t work. You’ll only hurt more, and we are at a comfortable place now. Let’s not fuck it up, okay?”