Shrouded in Blackness

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  “So he’s just hoppin’ straight into bed then?” he snarls, leaning into my face.

  “Kieran, you lost the privilege to decide who’s in my bed over a month ago. I didn’t do this to us, you did. Whatever I decide to do is just that…my damn decision. Now get outta my face before I get stabby.”

  “Quinn,” he says in a defeated voice.

  “I’m done, Kieran. Move.”

  He does. He steps away from me and I walk around him into my room without looking back. That was him just trying to piss on his territory, clinging to the hope that I would melt into him and take him back. Not happening.

  I flop onto my bed taking deep breaths, trying to calm my anger. How dare he think he can tell me what to do? Screw him, even if he’s so far off base he’s playing hockey!

  My door swings open as Kieran quickly steps in, shutting it with a soft click.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Quinn. That’s all I wanted to say to you tonight,” he says with regret in his voice, rubbing his dílseacht tattoo. I sit up and try to cover my business that’s surely hanging out at this point.

  “The way I treated you the day of the fight was disgusting and I hate myself for it more than you hate me. I wasn’t thinkin’ and that’s no excuse, but it’s the truth. I disrespected you and our relationship, but worse than that, I ruined the trust you placed in me. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that. If you’ve found that again with someone else, I’m happy for you. I’m not fuckin’ happy about it, but I’m happy for you. Because you deserve nothing but the best in life. It’s clear to me that I’m not that for you, but you gave me something amazing with Ashling and Jack that I’ll never be able to thank you enough for.

  “Please don’t make me the every-other-weekend dad. Work with me to figure out something better than that for them. I need them in my life every day, Quinn. I can’t do twice a month. I’ll come to you if I have to. I’ll leave you and Mike alone, I promise. Just let me keep seein’ the kids. Please,” he pleads.

  I’m in complete shock right now. Kieran Delaney has just blown me away. And now I’m just sitting here like a fish on a dock, sucking in air through flapping lips.

  “I would never take the kids from you, Kieran. There just as much yours as they are mine,” I whisper.

  “Once you figure out which house you’re buyin’ I’ll get a schedule together for us to agree on. Thanks for bein’ open to this. You don’t owe me anything, so thank you. I’ll see you later.”

  Then he’s gone. As quickly as he entered my room, he leaves it. Leaving me with a shit ton of questions, a little sadness and some hope that we can finally move forward.

  Kieran

  “Shannon Kelly is currently unavailable. Please press one to be routed to another attorney,” the polite message sings in my ear.

  I press the button and wait.

  “Aaron Kavanagh’s office,” Karl answers curtly.

  “Hey Karl,” I say, trying to sound…nice.

  “Kieran Delaney, I hear you’re nothing but a pain in the ass,” he snarks.

  “Nothin’ new there.”

  “Oh, this is new. Shannon’s gotten an earful from your cousins in Chicago, which means I’ve had lots of great gossip sessions in between changin’ diapers and feedings with Johnny.”

  “What can I say? I’m happy my shitty life is causing you enjoyment,” I grumble back.

  “Don’t go all sensitive on me. I take no enjoyment from your idiocy.”

  “Well, I’ve got some new developments you can share with the gang. I need a custody agreement and visitation set up.”

  “Shit. Kieran, I’m sorry. I had no idea it had gotten that bad. What happened?” he says with real remorse in his voice.

  “She met someone else. She’s movin’ to the ’burbs. I’ve been assured that she doesn’t want to take the kids away from me and I don’t think she will, but I want my bases covered.”

  I let out a huge sigh. God, this fucking sucks!

  “And you’re just lettin’ her go?”

  “What choice do I have? She’s made it clear we’re done. I fucked up, Karl. Quinn’s hurt and I did that. I want her, but I can’t be with her knowin’ I’ll fuck up again.”

  “That’s a cop-out. If you want somethin’ you have to be willin’ to fight for it. Look what Shannon and Dylan just went through. If you want Quinn, you don’t throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Don’t be a pussy. This is your family, Kieran. Aren’t they worth more than a few weeks of waiting?”

  “They’re worth everything. That’s why I’m backin’ off. I’ll ruin them.”

  “Hang on a second,” he says, moving the phone around.

  “Hello?” a familiar deep, smooth voice glides through the receiver.

  “Kellerman. What’re you doin’ there?” I say kindly to my friend. After everything we went through together to get Shannon back in December, Dylan Kellerman and I have become friends. He’s the only non-criminal friend that I have. Shannon doesn’t count because she’s not my friend, she’s my family…I have a lot of non-criminal family.

  “Lunch with the boys.”

  “How’re Shannon and Johnny?”

  “So good, man. Like I was tellin’ you last week, I’m in awe of how amazing Shannon is. Blows my mind every fuckin’ day.” He sounds so happy it makes my stomach hurt.

  “That woman of yours is pretty good at most things she does. I’m not surprised she’s good at bein’ a momma.”

  “Speakin’ of mommas, what’s goin’ on with your baby’s momma situation? Quinn and Shannon were on the phone for like two hours last night. Of course, Shannon won’t fill me in because I’m your friend. What’s up?”

  “She met someone and is movin’ to the ’burbs to live a happy white-picket-fence life.”

  “Shit,” he hisses.

  “Yeah,” I grunt.

  “You’re just givin’ up?” he asks, disbelieving.

  “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I growl, getting annoyed by this same question being asked over and over.

  “Be Kieran Delaney.”

  “Bein’ Kieran Delaney got me in this mess.”

  “No, bein’ a fuckin’ idiot and not usin’ your brain got you in this mess. When you’re bein’ you that’s never an issue. You’re just like Shannon, always aware and in control. You had a moment where that went out the window and unfortunately you fucked up. That’s not a death sentence, man. Put your big girl pants on, quit bein’ a pussy and go get your woman and your kids. You’re not gonna be able to bully or charm your way in, though. Just be present. If she needs help, help. If she needs a break from the kids, give it. If she’s had a long day at work, offer her a ride home…not on your dick. Be there for her. She needs to trust that you’re there for her no matter what. She has to be the one to come back to you. Quinn needs that power.”

  “When did you get so fuckin’ smart?” I ask, shocked at the change in him over the past half year. He was a shell of a being when I met him. I’m aware that was due to some truly fucked up circumstances in that his woman had been kidnapped. Then he’s torn away from Shannon only days after getting her back and forced to live some bizarre lie with his ex to ensure the safety of his unborn child. Shit like that would crush most people and definitely fuck up relationships. Shannon and he seem to be stronger because of it.

  “Shit, I’m not smart. I’ve turned into a goddamned caveman since we had Johnny. I speak in mostly grunts and gestures at home. But I almost lost her in December and then was removed from her for six months. I know the hell you’re goin’ through without Quinn. Difference is, you can do somethin’ about it and I couldn’t. Fight for what’s yours. You’re good at that, don’t lose sight of it. She’ll come back to you in time. And don’t fuck anyone else!”

  “I couldn’t if I wanted to. Rosie Palm and her five sisters have been holdin’ me down. I feel like a fuckin’ teenager.”

  “Again, I feel your pain. At least you don’t ha
ve a psychotic pregnant woman tryin’ to jump your bones at all hours. I had to sleep fully clothed and wrapped in a separate blanket for six months. I looked into buying a chastity belt at one point,” he says through a deep laugh.

  “Well, now I just feel bad complainin’.”

  “You should,” he snarks.

  “I’ll let you get to lunch. Thanks for talkin’ to me.”

  “Anytime. You should call Shannon. She’ll surely rip you a new one, but she’s always good to talk to.”

  “I’ll let her cool off a bit. I don’t feel like gettin’ shot.”

  He laughs again, but he knows I’m right. His woman wouldn’t hesitate to shoot me.

  “All right. Hey, I’ll call you later this week. We’re startin’ to plan Shannon’s birthday party.”

  “Let me know if you need anything. Thanks again, man.”

  “No problem. Later.”

  As we hang up I feel better. Karl will work on the custody agreement while I try to behave like a normal human being and get my family back. No problem, right? To hell with it.

  “You’ve got some balls callin’ me, Kieran Delaney,” Shannon chides as she answers.

  “Hey, you know I’m hard up. Your voice is the closest thing to real I’m gettin’ these days,” I snark.

  “Let me put Johnny down so I don’t scare him while I yell at you.”

  She doesn’t wait for a response as she sets the phone down to deal with the baby.

  “I’m back,” she says in a sigh. “So you’ve run her off to the suburbs.”

  “I didn’t run her off. I’ve left her alone like she asked. Kept my distance as best I could. Fuck, I didn’t see her once in the last five weeks until Saturday. How is this my fault?” I grumble like a child.

  “You want this straight or soft? I can tell you’re strugglin’, but if you need this soft you gotta call Karl or Kel. I can’t do soft normally, but I’m sleep deprived, my boobs hurt and I don’t know how much more puke this shirt can hold before it’s declared a natural disaster area. I’ve only got the straightest of straight to offer you. So how do you want it big boy?”

  “Could you make shit like puke and sore boobs sound more sexual? Fuck, woman, how do you do that?”

  “It’s a gift. Ask the cavemen I live with about it. I got in trouble for smiling and sayin’ thank you to the pilot on the way here from Seattle. Apparently, my charm knows no bounds.”

  “You’re so full of shit I can smell you from here. Kellerman called me and told me what you did on the plane with that pilot. He said you pulled out the dazzling make-your-dick-so-hard-it-hurts smile and then purred thank you. Get your lies straight before you come at me lady.”

  “Fuck you. I’d been locked away in a hospital and smiled at some dude young enough to probably put me in prison. I can’t help if I’m naturally appealing to you idiots. And we’re not talkin’ about me. You’re the one in trouble.”

  “It’s nice to talk about somethin’ other than what a fuck up I am. Connor and Owen will barely look at me. Ian’s offerin’ new, more sadistic versions of his scowl. I got this kid I’m trainin’ and he’s the only one talkin’ to me. His sister’s Quinn’s new best friend so I can’t really talk to him about Quinn, thank fuck for that. My parents are Team Quinn so they’re on my ass, too. I just talked to Karl and Kellerman who each informed me that I’m a pussy. You got anything other than all that shit for me?” I grumble, wondering why I called Shannon in the first place.

  “You scared her,” she offers, softer than I expected.

  “I wasn’t in my right mind when she was tryin’ to leave—”

  “That’s not when you scared her,” she cuts me off.

  “Huh?”

  “Really? You’re not so good at watchin’ the signs with her are you?”

  “I seem to struggle when it comes to Quinn.”

  “I’m the same with Kel. When people like you and I are in love, it dampens some of that high alert we’re always at. It’s a good thing for the most part, until you fuck up and can’t get yourself out of it.”

  “So I scared her?”

  “You took care of her with no benefit to you. You allowed her to make the decision about what happened to her uncles. You stood by her side while she killed a man that hurt her son. You made her world safe to trust again.”

  “And then I broke that,” I say with a moment of clarity.

  “You didn’t just break it, you cheapened and tarnished it before shitting on it and then shattered it.”

  We’re both silent as we let that visual sink in.

  “She spent her entire adult life keepin’ herself from bein’ raped or assaulted. Kieran, even I couldn’t do that,” she whispers that last part.

  “Shannon,” I try and soothe.

  “I’m fine. It’s true, though. If the guys hadn’t found me when I was seventeen I woulda been raped. And God only knows what woulda happened in December…” she trails off. “Anyway, my point is I’m pretty fuckin’ self-sufficient and I ended up in vulnerable positions. Quinn didn’t. Yes, that’s partly due to the fact that she made herself into a ghost and rarely interacted with people. It’s also because it was the only thing she had left to protect other than her life. She gave you that, Kieran. That is some scary shit for people like Quinn and me.

  “I didn’t have my virginity to give away, but I guarded my heart like Quinn guarded her first time. When you finally decide to give something away that you’ve spent a lifetime holding back from the world, it’s fuckin’ terrifying. You used her like some slut-bag ring bunny. You took the one thing she had left to give you and made it dirty.”

  “My head wasn’t in that space. I know that doesn’t excuse what I did, but I was in fight mode. It took me back to a time where I used women like that on a daily basis.”

  “Yeah, don’t ever say that to Quinn. Makes you sound like a bigger asshole than you are.”

  “Thanks,” I snark.

  “No problem,” she snarks right back.

  “Thanks for layin’ that out for me, but I know that already. I’m aware how bad that move was and what a fuck up it was. It’s why I’m backin’ off. This is me, Shannon. I’m an asshole. I want to be more for her, but I know I’ll fuck up again. You don’t spend a lifetime bein’ one way and just stop because you find a girl.”

  “Would you ever do what you did to her again?”

  “Never.”

  “Would you do your damnedest every day to make sure you leave dickwad-I-run-this-shit Kieran in the streets and be the good man that you are in the home?”

  “Every day.”

  “Then you have your answer. You’re good enough for Quinn. That woman is so loyal to you, it makes me love her that much more. She doesn’t want to take the kids from you. Quinn’s tryin’ to run to the ’burbs because isolating is all she knows. Out there, she can avoid the discomfort of havin’ to tip-toe around you. She loves you. That hasn’t changed,” she says encouragingly.

  “I guess she hasn’t told you about Mike,” I scoff.

  “I know about Mike. What about him?”

  “Well if she’s movin’ to the ’burbs with that preppy nightmare, I don’t think she’s spendin’ sleepless nights lovin’ me.”

  Shannon’s full-belly, raspy laugh bursts through the phone, causing me to pull it away from my face.

  “You really have no perspective when it comes to her,” she says, reining her laughs into smiley words.

  “Anyone ever tell you you’re a pain in the ass?”

  “Your cousin says I’m a pain in the dick,” she deadpans.

  “He’s right.”

  We both fall into laughter.

  “You can get them back if you do this the right way. Trust that. Don’t be a pussy and give up. It’s just not your style.”

  “I swear, if one of you calls me a pussy again I’m flyin’ to Kansas City and beating some ass.”

  “Yeah, you go ahead and try that…pussy,” she finishes, taunting me like a yo
unger sibling.

  “I’m callin’ Kellerman back and tellin’ him to get your ass in line. You’re a mother now. Who talks like that with a baby?”

  “Uh, me. You go ahead and call Kel. I’d like to see him try to put me in my place. Maybe he’ll put his dick in my place, instead.”

  “Wow. You’re like talkin’ to a dude, Shannon. You never cease to amaze me.”

  “I aim to entertain,” she finishes with one of her classic lines.

  “Kellerman said I need to just be there for Quinn. Show her that I’m trustworthy again.”

  “He’s a smart man. I’m no relationship expert, so I can’t offer you much. Kel and I have been together a total of nine months and spent the majority of that time separated. Now we have a newborn. He’s my first and only boyfriend and I’ll be thirty-one in a few weeks. I’m no beacon of relationship wisdom, that’s for damn sure. And as you just pointed out, I’m more like a guy than a girl so I don’t really have great perspective on what to do for a girl, per se. But Quinn’s more like me than not. She needs to know unconditional love. When she sees she has that from you and with you, she’ll come back. Take Kel’s advice. He got me and that’s no easy task.”

  “No shit,” I grunt.

  “Fuck off,” she says in a way that I can almost hear her rolling her gorgeous green eyes at me.

  “Thanks for talkin’ to me. I know you’re wiped dealin’ with Johnny. It helps to talk things through with you. Makes me sick that I lost ten years of this bein’ a stubborn dick.”

  “You were protecting me from your life. No regrets. We have each other now and that’s not goin’ anywhere, cousin. You’re stuck with my ass.”

  “And it’s a fine ass.”

  “I know, right?” she jokes.

  The woman is stunning in a way that should be illegal and she could give two shits about it.

  “I love you, Shannon Kelly.”

  “And I love you, Kieran Delaney. Go get your family back so you can come here and see me.”

  “I’ll try my best.”

  “Then it’ll happen.”

  “Talk to you later.”

  “Bye.”