Swimming for Sunlight

by Allie Larkin

  “If you’re in the footage and I can’t hear you, I can’t use it,” Luca said.

  “But it’s about them!”

  “The world needs to see your beautiful face,” Bitsie said.

  “It’s about the reunion, and you’re part of it.” Luca grabbed another mic pack.

  “Give it,” Nan said, taking it from him. She pushed me down the hall to my room and helped me strap it to my lower back, running the bandage around my waist.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “I thought it might get awkward,” Nan said. “Although, maybe that would be a good thing.”

  “Shit! It’s not on yet, is it?” I whispered, pointing to her mic.

  “I wouldn’t do that,” she said. “But he’s great, right?”

  I nodded.

  “He thinks you’re pretty great too.”

  “I don’t know if—”

  “You don’t have to know,” she said, clipping the mic to the neckline of my dress. “You just have to show up.”

  * * *

  I drove everyone to the airport in Nan’s car. Nan sat in the passenger seat chatting about her ideas for refreshments at the show. “I was thinking vegan rumaki, if I can figure out the bacon part. Stuffed mushrooms, of course. Do you think we should have mai tais or piña coladas?”

  No one was answering, but it was rhetorical. If anyone chose mai tais when Nan wanted piña coladas, she’d be annoyed.

  “Should we give people a choice?” Nan asked. “No! Wait! Blue Hawaiians! Who doesn’t like a Blue Hawaiian?”

  I watched Bitsie in the rearview mirror. She stared out the window, snapping her blue bauble bracelet against her wrist, oblivious to Nan’s chatter. Luca sat across from her, filming as she fidgeted.

  “Isn’t Ruth allergic to pineapple?” I said loudly, hoping to get Luca’s attention off Bitsie.

  “She just says that,” Nan said. “No one’s allergic to pineapple.”

  “I think some people are actually allergic to pineapple,” I said.

  Luca wasn’t biting on the conflict.

  “Well, maybe, but Ruth isn’t. She just says that.” Nan remembered the microphone and clapped her hand over her shirt collar after the fact. “We can do mai tais, I guess.” She sighed, like it was an enormous compromise.

  “People are coming to see the show,” I said. “Not to eat.”

  “But we have to feed them!” Nan said.

  “Do we?”

  Nan laughed at me.

  * * *

  “Are you alright?” I whispered to Bitsie when we got to the short-term parking lot.

  “It’s stupid stuff,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Worrying Woo won’t like me anymore. What will we talk about? How many ways can I put my foot in my mouth? You know?”

  “I do know.” I gave her hand a squeeze. She linked her arm into mine and we walked around the car to Nan and Luca. Nan hooked her arm into my other one, and we set off to meet Woo Woo at baggage claim.

  Bitsie swung her foot out in front of me, so I swung mine in front of Nan’s. Nan picked up on what we were doing and did the same. Then we reversed it, walking through the sliding doors like a slower, more deliberate version of The Monkees. Bitsie hummed the theme song under her breath. We were a spectacle with our crazy colored hair. People stared, but I felt brave, sandwiched between Nan and Bitsie.

  “Careful,” Nan said, “one of us is likely to break a hip!”

  Bitsie tugged my elbow. “My vote is on this one.”

  I laughed. “It’s probably true.”

  We found the carousel for Woo Woo’s flight and waited. Nan and I sat on a bench. Bitsie paced. Luca leaned against a pillar next to us, filming. He kept his actions so low-key that I had to keep reminding myself we were being observed.

  “What’s she on about?” Nan asked, nodding in Bitsie’s direction.

  “Nerves,” I said.

  “Oh.” Nan clapped her hand to her mouth. “She’s worried Woo Woo won’t be okay with . . .” Her voice trailed off.

  “Woo Woo doesn’t know?” I said.

  “No. Last Woo was aware, Bitsie was married to a man.”

  “I never thought about what a continual process coming out is,” I said.

  “I forget it’s ever hard for her,” Nan said. “She’s Bitsie! She’s inherently lovable. How could anyone have a problem with anything about her?”

  “Do you think this could be a problem?”

  “I won’t let it.” Nan patted my leg. She got up and went over to Bitsie. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I knew Luca could. His camera was trained on them, and I watched his face. His eyes were wide, sad. He held his mouth tight.

  Nan hugged Bitsie. Bitsie nodded and pulled away to wipe tears from the corners of her eyes. I hoped Nan was saying helpful things and not some variation of “You’re fine! It’s okay!”

  The red light at the top of the carousel flashed and there was a loud buzz. We looked around. People trickled in from the flight, but none of them fit Woo Woo’s demographics.

  Nan and Bitsie came over to stand with me. I think, in part, to keep me in the shot. We waited and waited. Nan smoothed my hair. It didn’t annoy me as much as it had when I was a kid.

  An attendant pushed a wheelchair toward us. “Whoo, whoo!” the woman in the wheelchair yelled, waving. She was long and lanky, as her measurements suggested. Her hair, poofy like spun sugar, was brilliant white, gathered in a wispy knot at the top of her head. It looked perfect with Nan and Bitsie’s bright colors.

  “Woo Woo!” Nan and Bitsie yelled back, rushing to greet her. Nan looked concerned. She wasn’t expecting the wheelchair. I realized Woo Woo had been sitting in all the photos we’d seen.

  Woo grabbed on to Nan’s arm as soon as she got close. “Help me out of this thing, will you?”

  She plunked her cane on the floor with the other hand and Nan pulled her up.

  “This is my daughter’s doing,” she whispered, then plastered a smile on her face. “Thank you, young man,” she said to the attendant, pulling a ten from the pocket of her sweater and shoving it in his hand. “You were a delight and a careful driver.”

  When the attendant walked away, Nan grabbed Woo in a great big hug. “It’s you.”

  “It’s you,” Woo said.

  Woo turned to Bitsie. “What a marvel! I can’t believe I’m actually here. Seeing you. This hair!” She placed her hand on Bitsie’s cheek. “Perfection!”

  Bitsie gave Woo’s arm a squeeze, but I could see the worry on her face.

  While Luca and Nan got Woo Woo’s mic set up, Bitsie excused herself to use the restroom. I followed. When we were safely inside, I clamped one hand over her mic and the other over mine.

  “If it’s a problem, or you’re uncomfortable at all, let me know, and I’ll make up an excuse to give Woo Woo my room so I can stay with you instead.”

  “Nan told me it would all be fine . . .” Bitsie’s voice trailed off.

  “But she doesn’t know.”

  “Exactly,” Bitsie said. “She loves me, but that doesn’t mean everyone will.”

  “If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it the best we can. You’re not alone,” I said, telling her the things I always wished Nan had said to me. “I love you no matter what.”

  “Thanks, kiddo.” She gave me a huge hug, her strong arms squeezing tight. “I love you no matter what right back.”

  I left her to have a moment to herself and rejoined Nan, Woo, and Luca, who were red-faced from laughter. Luca was clipping a microphone to Woo Woo’s shirt.

  “What did I miss?” I asked.

  “Woo told Luca he had to buy a girl dinner first,” Nan said, cackling.

  “Like Bitsie did,” Luca said. He looked at me and mouthed, I love them!

  “Cut from the same cloth!” Nan said.

  Woo Woo looked at me. “You are the spitting image of Nannette back in the day,” she said. “You have the same face. It’s hard not to stare.”

  I b
lushed. “Thank you.” I loved hearing that I looked like Nan. It made me so proud as a kid. Like a sign I belonged.

  Bitsie rejoined us.

  “Well, kids,” she said, looking bright and brave. “We ready?”

  * * *

  Of course, we had a cocktail party. At Bitsie’s house. Half the neighborhood showed up, because everyone was always invited to everything all the time. I worried about Bitsie having so many people in her space while she was already stressed out, but she seemed fine.

  Nan and I made sure the food kept moving and the drinks kept flowing while Bitsie and Woo sat on the bench in the corner talking and laughing. At one point Woo wrapped her arms around Bitsie, planting a kiss on her cheek.

  Later, in the kitchen, Bitsie grabbed my arm and pulled me aside. She clamped her hand over my microphone and then her own. “Her nephew is gay,” she said excitedly. “And he’s her favorite one. She told me she thinks I was brave to follow my heart.”

  * * *

  Nan had already gone home, but Luca stayed after the party to film Bitsie and Woo as they did the dishes. I ran around the living room collecting plates and glasses, to keep them at the sink in conversation. They were comparing notes on different stages of life like a movie they’d both seen.

  “I didn’t expect to feel that way,” Woo said, “but it was important to me to work.”

  “I know,” Bitsie said. “That first real paycheck with my name on it . . .”

  “I cried,” Woo said. “I actually cried.”

  “Me too,” Bitsie said.

  * * *

  When we got back to Nan’s, Luca commandeered the living room to watch footage from the day. I knew if I went in there to work, I’d spend more time watching than sewing. So I holed up in my room with Bark and five boxes of large gold sequin paillettes to finish Woo Woo’s tail. The way I’d worked out the design, the tail didn’t need to be covered in sequins entirely, but the patterning was swirling and intricate. I couldn’t zone out and sew rows on top of rows. I sat on the bed, with my headphones on, and got to work, listening to the B-52s as I stitched. It was my favorite kind of work, focused and fine. I lost myself in the meditation of the task.

  I didn’t hear Luca in the hallway. I didn’t hear him shut the door to his room. But I did hear a text from him chime through my headphones.

  Sleep tight, he wrote. There was a video attached.

  It was Nan.

  Off camera, Luca asks, “What made you decide to become a vegan?”

  I felt ridiculous that I’d been too focused on how her new diet ruined cookies to think of asking why.

  “Well, I like animals,” Nan says, smiling. She’s being evasive. Looking off to the rest of the party.

  “It’s an interesting life change—” Luca says.

  “At my age?” Nan says with a teasing bit of sarcasm. “Well, you know, heart disease runs in my family and I—” Her voice breaks. “I want as much time as I can have with that gorgeous granddaughter of mine. I’m being greedy about it.” She looks at the ceiling for a moment. A deep breath, then Cocktail Party Nan returns. “And that man over there?” Luca turns the camera to Isaac for a moment, then back to Nan. “I wouldn’t mind more time with him either.” She gives Luca a dazzling smile.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  I woke up at five thirty in the morning, covered in sequins. When I pulled them from my skin, they left red marks.

  I ran to Bitsie’s, still in my pj’s, tail slung over my shoulders like a shepherd carrying a lamb, my rat’s nest of hair pulled in a ponytail. Bitsie would be up already.

  I’d talked Woo’s daughter through the measurements over the phone, and Woo explained the specifics of her partial mastectomy from years earlier. I found a tutorial on making a compensation form insert for the bra, but I’d never done work like that, and it raised the stakes for me. Woo had been self-conscious talking about it on the phone. I wanted to help her feel confident. I knew it wasn’t fair to leave Luca out, but I needed to see if Woo Woo’s costume would work, and I didn’t want to handle my panic on camera if it didn’t.

  “You walked over here like that?” Bitsie asked, grinning, when I got there.

  “It’s nothing they haven’t seen before,” I said, smiling back.

  “Why are you splotchy?”

  “Sequins. It’ll fade.”

  “Oh, of course,” Bitsie said, laughing. “You’ve got a mean case of the sequins! I hear that’s going around.”

  “Is Woo Woo up yet?” It was strange how quickly I’d normalized the idea of calling a grown woman Woo Woo. I wondered if anyone in her regular life called her that.

  “She’s in the shower,” Bitsie said. “You want coffee?”

  “I was hoping we could squeeze in the fitting now,” I said. “And yes.”

  “I think Nan wants to do that tonight, when Hannah gets here.”

  “I know, but . . .” I was going to make up an excuse; instead, I told her the truth. “I’m nervous. Working from measurements I didn’t take. I’ll feel so much better if . . .”

  Bitsie nodded. “Why not knock out a worry when you can? Go for it!”

  I went into Bunny’s room and got the top from the closet.

  “Gosh, Kay.” Bitsie traced her fingers over the swirls of tiny seashells and champagne-colored crystals I’d stitched to the top. “It’s art.”

  The shower was still running. Bitsie knocked on the bathroom door, opening it enough to reach in and hang the costume on the hook inside. “Hey, Woo? Try this on, will ya?”

  “What?” Woo shouted.

  “Your costume,” Bitsie shouted back. “Try it when you’re done.”

  While we waited, Bitsie poured me a cup of coffee, and we sat at the kitchen table. She gave me a rundown of all the things they’d caught up on last night. I was interested, but it was hard to pay attention, like I was waiting for the grade on a final exam. I’d never been so nervous about a costume before. I’d never felt so much ownership over a project, and while Bitsie and Nan were going to love what I made them, because I made it, Woo Woo wasn’t such a biased customer.

  We heard the bathroom door open and the sound of Woo Woo’s cane ticking down the hallway. “I don’t want to poke a hole in this tail,” she called.

  “We’ll come to you,” Bitsie shouted, and we ran to meet her.

  Woo Woo leaned on her cane with one hand, her other arm in the air, palm to the sky. “A pretty girl! Is like a melody!” she sang, twisting her shoulders from one side to the other, her smile wide. Her legs were free through the slit in the back, and the tail fell in front of her. The compensation form worked perfectly and the crystals added light to her décolletage. Her long neck arched gracefully. The flesh between her top and tail had a beautiful soft drape.

  I held my breath, hoping Woo Woo liked it.

  “Wow,” Bitsie said. “You’re a dream!”

  “I feel like a dream,” Woo said, beaming. “You are a treasure, my dear. I want to wear this all the time!”

  For days I’d felt like a balloon about to pop. The pressure was finally dissipating. I tested the fit around her hips. I’d left myself some wiggle room in the sequin pattern in case I had to make alterations, but it was perfect on the first try.

  “Do you mind if we pretend this hasn’t happened?” I asked. “I think Luca is going to want to film—”

  “Of course,” she said. “Thank you for letting me do this without the cameras. I was nervous.”

  “Me too.”

  “This is more amazing than I could have imagined. I look better than I did when I was twenty!”

  “You look regal,” Bitsie said. “Queen of the mermaids!”

  “If I swim now, will it dry before the fitting?” Woo asked. She looked like a kid who couldn’t wait to play with her new toy.

  She wanted to feel like a mermaid again. I knew it wasn’t fair to let my fear keep her from the pool, but I didn’t want to be there to see it.

  “If it doesn’t dry we’ll
tell everyone I had to water-test the sequins,” I said, and made my escape as graciously as I could before the pressure started to build again.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  I spent the next few hours sewing orange sequins on Hannah’s tail while Bark chased a fly around the room, snapping at it with his teeth. He was mostly graceful, but at one point he jumped on the bed and slammed into me. I poked the needle straight through an adhesive thimble pad to my index finger. “Hey, bud! Watch it!”

  Bark slunk off the bed and pouted on the floor, until the allure of the fly got to be too much and he started the chase again. I opened the door, shooing both of them to the hallway.

  Instead of attending to my puncture wound, I replaced the adhesive thimble with a new one to seal the blood in so I could keep sewing. It had been ages since I’d gotten enough sleep. As soon as I secured the last sequin, I decided a nap would be in order.

  When I hung the tail in my closet and took my headphones off, I heard Mo in the kitchen, laughing.

  Instead of lying down, I went to say hi.

  I heard Luca say, “And then Bitsie shows me the scar on her leg.”

  “Oh,” I said, joining them, “her alligator bite?”

  “Yes!” Luca said. “It’s amazing it didn’t do more damage!”

  Behind Luca, Mo had her finger to her lips, shaking her head. In reality, Bitsie tripped on a rake Bunny left wrong side up in the yard and ended up with a row of scars on her calf, but for some reason, maybe to make Bunny feel better, we all started calling it an alligator bite.

  “Well,” I said, trying to keep a poker face, “it was a very small alligator.”

  Mo snickered. Luca turned around to look at her and started laughing too.

  “Seriously?” he said. “She looked into my camera and told me a made-up story?” He was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. “I totally bought it.”

  We were punchy and overworked. Our laughter got the air moving. It felt good.

  “You gotta watch out for those ladies,” Mo said.

  “Apparently,” Luca said.

  “You ready to go?” Mo asked me.

  “Shit.” I clapped my hand to my mouth. We had to take all the stuff we’d borrowed from the neighbors over to the pool to decorate.