Swimming for Sunlight

by Allie Larkin

  He gave me a hug. I hugged him back. My heart pounded, but it felt different. Good nerves.

  “It’s great to see you.” And I felt clear when I said it. I was seeing him in the moment, not through a haze of our past.

  “It is?” he asked, and his voice was bright with hope.

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s good to see you,” he said.

  “I have to finish this one thing.” I gestured for him to follow me to the back room so I could secure a row of beads. I couldn’t abandon the work mid-strand. The fabric was too delicate to leave the needle hanging for long.

  “This is beautiful.” He pointed to the gown.

  “Thanks,” I said, sitting again, gesturing to Isaac’s chair.

  “I ran into my friend Lacey when I was in New York.” He sat, and kicked his legs to wheel himself closer.

  “Oh,” I said, holding the string of beads in place, stitching between each one. I felt a flash of jealousy, and tried to let it pass through my brain like clouds on a windy day. My hands didn’t even shake.

  “She’s making a movie. It’s like a throwback 1950s beach flick, but about what was actually happening at the time, not the shiny Annette Funicello version.”

  “That’s really cool,” I said, picturing high-waisted bikinis and rompers with plunging necklines.

  “She wants to work with you.”

  “Don’t—don’t do that,” I said. “Don’t try to get me a gig because you feel sorr—”

  Luca laughed. “Seriously, Lacey has no interest in pity. She’s a perfectionist.”

  “But you told her about me?”

  “I showed her some footage,” Luca said. “I was, like, fishing for a compliment about my camerawork. There’s a shot of Bitsie and her bright red hair in the blue water. She’s floating on her back, laughing. It’s the best shot I’ve ever gotten, and two seconds into it, Lacey was asking me who made the costumes.”

  “I mean, I’ll talk to her. I can try to pull together a portfolio,” I said. I hadn’t gotten pictures from the show. I hadn’t even seen any more of the footage. “But I’m kind of busy with all this.” I pointed to the stack of slacks on the workbench. I was looking for a high school kid to help me after school, but I hadn’t found one yet.

  “The film was your portfolio. She wants you. Call her. She’ll kill me if you don’t.” He stared at me for a second. “You should do this. It’s not a small deal. Her last film premiered at Cannes.”

  “And she wants me?”

  “She’s in awe of you.”

  “That’s . . . terrifying,” I said. I finished the row. Secured the thread.

  “Right? I spend so much time in this business shaking in my boots.”

  I was shocked. “You’re not scared of anything.”

  “I’m terrified right now,” he said, and when I looked at him, I could see the fear in his eyes. The tightness in his brow.

  “Why?”

  “Kate,” Luca said. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

  “I don’t want to lose you either.” I stood up and hugged him. His back was damp. His breath was hot. I kissed him. “Can we take it slow?” I asked. I wanted to learn how to live in moments with him, to love him bravely.

  Luca nodded. “No matter what, we’re friends, okay? That part doesn’t end for anything.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Good.”

  Bark pushed himself between us, shoving his head under Luca’s hand.

  “Clearly, you’re not paying enough attention to him,” I said.

  “Clearly.” He crouched to scratch Bark’s chest. Bark licked Luca’s face. “I missed you, buddy.”

  “Hey, the mermaids have rehearsal in a few,” I said, grabbing my duffle bag. “You want to come? I have something to show you.”

  “Can I film?” Luca asked.

  “Sure,” I said, knowing it would be okay with the ladies.

  “I don’t have an ending yet,” Luca said.

  “Wait until you see the tank.”

  “It’s done?”

  “Yeah. This is their first time in it.”

  * * *

  There was a small crowd at the park already, even though it was only a rehearsal. Mo was on the platform hooking up the air hoses. Nan, Bitsie, and Althea were already on the perch in their tails.

  “I’ve got to go over there for a sec,” I said, and dashed off toward the cabanas with Bark.

  While I got ready, Bark chased a fly around the stall, jumping and snapping his teeth when he got close to catching it. Like a normal dog. Even though we were out in the world, he wasn’t on high alert, because I wasn’t on high alert either.

  I leaned against the wall for balance and slid into my tail. It was silver at the waist, transitioning into bright blue, with a feathery green dorsal fin. I slipped my legs through the slit in the back, and kept the monofin separate. I’d attach it when I got to the perch. Aside from trying something on for functional reasons, this was the first costume I’d made that I actually wore. I made clothes, of course, but a costume for performance is something different. It’s a tool. And mine was beautifully engineered. I was proud of myself every time I put it on.

  I slid my arms into the shell top. A confluence of blue sequins, molded foam, and neoprene. Cut wide in the back to allow full arm strokes, with a hook to attach the air hose so it wouldn’t get lost. I dug my bright red waterproof lipstick from my purse. It was only a rehearsal, but I couldn’t help myself. I twisted my hair back with a plastic sea star barrette that clipped in strands of blue tinsel.

  Then I knelt down. Bark ran over, tail wagging. “Do you want to go swimming?” I asked. He yelped, jumped in the air, and then sat emphatically. I slipped his legs into his life vest and snapped it closed. I’d added a neoprene shark fin to the top. It cut through the surface when he swam.

  “Look at what a good shark you are!” I said so he could hear the calm, happy tone of my voice. He was a wonderful shark, and a wonderful dog, and the very best of friends. He wagged away, the fin flapping back and forth.

  At the tank, Mo hoisted Bark up to the platform, and I climbed the ladder. Mo’s next project was a ramp to allow for greater access so anyone who wanted to could be a mermaid.

  Luca was setting up his camera in front of the glass. “Hey!” I yelled, and he looked up.

  “You’re going in?”

  “I’m a mermaid!” I said.

  I could see him bite his lip, holding back tears. He gave me a thumbs up. I looked away so I wouldn’t cry.

  I sat at the edge to slide the monofin into the tail, and tucked my feet in. “Okay, Barky,” I said, and pushed off into the water. Bark took a running jump and leapt in next to me. Mo threw a tennis ball for him, and he swam away to retrieve it while I dove through the sun-streaked water to join Nan, Bitsie, and Althea at the bottom of the tank. I took a long drag from my air hose and watched the bubbles rise to the surface as I exhaled.

  The sounds of the outside world were muffled. The water was mine again. I belonged there, under the surface with Nan and our friends, Bark’s legs churning up waves above us. Through the glass, I could see Luca’s camera lights, or maybe it was the reflection of all our sequins, but I knew he could see me, so I waved. Then I took a deep breath from the air hose, and started to dance.

  —Fin—

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To my friend-family, thank you for helping me build the palette of emotions I needed to be able to write this book. Everything I know about love and the healing powers of belonging comes from having the privilege of being your friend.

  Extra thanks to:

  Linda and Roger Bryant and the Titles Over Tea book club, the Fiction Writer’s Co-op, and my Rochester writing group.

  Michele Larkin, for your patience and love. My books never feel done until I know what you think. Ingrid Serban, for your beautiful magic. Sarah Playtis, Matthew Andreoli, Amy Franklin-Willis, Therese Fowler, Jan O’Hara, Sarah Callender, Jeanne Kisacky, Greer Macallister, An
n-Marie Nieves, Dana Spector, Marty Heresniak, and Matt Weatherbee for advice and support right when I needed it.

  Ann Mah, Regina Marler, Renee Swindle, Julia Whelan, Lisa Brackmann, Melanie Krebs, Therese Walsh, Bethany Chase, and Brantley Aufill for sharing your brilliant writerly opinions.

  My social media buddies for chatting at the internet watercooler, and especially my hilarious Facebook friends for answering all my weirdo research questions about life, intoxication, and language use.

  Kaitlin Olson, my editor, and also Tara Parsons, Isabel DaSilva, Megan Rudloff, Tamara Arellano, and everyone at Touchstone and Atria, for your enthusiasm and care in ushering this book out into the world.

  To my intrepid agent, Mitch Hoffman, thank you for your patience, logic, and remarkable kindness. You brought me back to the meaning of the work and I am eternally grateful. And special thanks to the lovely people at the The Aaron M. Priest Literary Agency.

  Cassandra Dunn, thank you for sharing your vast and careful wisdom, ferocious friendship, and all those glorious miles. I look forward to the mountains we will climb.

  Caroline Angell, you brilliant soul, I will introvert with you anytime. You are a spectacular writing partner and you ask the best questions. Thank you for holding me accountable to this book and to myself.

  This book would not have been possible without the love and friendship of my fearful, faithful dog, Stella, who has taught me, among other things, that sometimes bravery can be measured in the distance between fear and action.

  And thank you, thank you, thank you to Jeremy Larkin for being my best friend and love of my life, and for hugging me when I cry about imaginary people.

  SWIMMING FOR SUNLIGHT

  Allie Larkin

  This reading group guide for Swimming for Sunlight includes an introduction, discussion questions, ideas for enhancing your book club, and a Q&A with author Allie Larkin. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.

  INTRODUCTION

  Aspiring costume designer Katie Ellis is at the end of her rope—her marriage has ended in a messy divorce and she’s just agreed to give her ex-husband everything so she can keep their fearful, faithful dog, Barkimedes (“Bark”). Katie packs up a few remaining belongings in her beat-up old car and drives to Florida with Bark to live with her grandmother, Nan. She reconnects with her childhood best friend, Mo, and Nan’s circle of colorful friends.

  Buoyed by the support of people who love her, Katie begins taking her mental health seriously. She reconnects with her love of costume design, fights her long-held fear of water, reignites a past romance, and finally finds the right way to be Bark’s best friend.

  TOPICS & QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

  1. Throughout the first half of the book, there is not much description of what Katie looks like, although she observes a lot about what her grandmother and her friends look like. What does this say about Katie’s perception of herself?

  2. In Chapter Eight, Katie reflects on how her smaller income created stress in her relationship with ex-husband, Eric. How do you view money in the context of long-term romantic relationships?

  3. Nan and Katie begin to bond as Katie helps Nan reach out to old friends via Facebook, something Nan hasn’t previously used. Have you noticed a generational difference in how your friends and family use social media?

  4. Have you ever reunited with a long-lost friend? Was your connection still there? What changed since the last time you saw them? Have you kept in touch since your reunion?

  5. The mermaid show gives Nan and Bitsie a chance to reclaim an activity they loved when they were younger. Is there something you loved doing that has fallen by the wayside? Is it something you’d like to try again?

  6. In Chapter Twenty-Two, Mo encourages Katie to see a therapist, but Katie doesn’t take it well. Has anyone in your group ever tried to help connect a friend with mental health resources? How did it go? How do you think Mo could have done things differently, or do you think she did a good job?

  7. Throughout the book, Katie has panic attacks when she can’t control certain things. Can you think of times when she tries to micromanage aspects of her life that she can control?

  8. What do you think of Katie’s relationship with Bark? How is her attention to Bark’s needs helpful, and how is it a coping mechanism?

  9. Katie’s marriage to Eric was a mismatch. How do you think Luca would differ as a partner? What kind of partner do you think would be ideal for Katie?

  10. Nan and Bitsie have fun telling Katie about their time as mermaid performers. Have any of your loved ones surprised you with an unexpected story from their past? Do you have stories people in your life would be surprised to hear?

  11. In Chapter Forty, when Woo Woo arrives, Bitsie worries about coming out to her. How do you think the experience of coming out later in life might differ from the experiences of people who come out at a younger age?

  12. In Chapter Forty-Two, as Katie is trying to get Hannah’s measurements, Hannah seems insecure about her weight and keeps trying to “suck in.” Katie thinks, “It made me sad, because I had this idea that by the time you reach your seventies, the superficial pressures of being a woman would dissipate, and health and happiness would be all that mattered.” How has your perception of your appearance changed over time? Do you think you’ll feel differently about your body in the future? Growing up, how did the women in your life shape your ideas about body image and aging?

  13. At the end of the book, Katie has learned to be more comfortable in her own skin. What changed to make this possible? What has she had to let go?

  ENHANCE YOUR BOOK CLUB

  1. Set up drawing or collage supplies (complete with sequins!) and have everyone design their own mermaid tail. Ask each member to talk about how their design represents aspects of their personality.

  2. Read “The Last Mermaid Show” from the New York Times Magazine: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/07/magazine/the-last-mermaid-show.html. Discuss the allure of being a mermaid, from the early years until today.

  3. Have a cocktail party that would make Nan proud! Serve “martoonis,” vegetable sushi, and vegan canapés. Look for recipes on sites like https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com and Engine2Diet.com.

  BITSIE’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT EXTRA-DRY DIRTY MARTOONI

  Dash of dry vermouth

  1 1/2 oz. gin

  Cocktail olives + juice

  Swirl vermouth in a martini glass. Dump the excess. Vermouth is not the star of this show. Pour the gin into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Follow with a generous splash of olive juice. Shake and strain into a glass. Garnish with three or four cocktail olives. Don’t skimp. You deserve a snack.

  A CONVERSATION WITH ALLIE LARKIN

  What was your inspiration to start writing Swimming for Sunlight?

  I was doing writing exercises every morning to generate ideas. I can’t remember the specific exercise that led to it, but the line “My husband brought a date to our divorce” popped in my head and I was hooked. Katie and Bark showed up soon after, and I couldn’t stop thinking about them.

  Where did the idea of writing about mermaid performers come from?

  As a kid, I obsessively loved swimming underwater, and I was fascinated by mermaids. The movie Splash was a big deal at the time, my local video store had an anime retelling of The Little Mermaid that closely followed the Hans Christian Andersen story, and I fell madly in love with a book called The Search for Delicious by Natalie Babbitt that had a mermaid named Ardis who lived in a lake.

  I first read about mermaid performers at Weeki Wachee Springs at some point in my twenties, but if I had known about them as a child, being a mermaid would have been my ultimate aspiration.

  When I started writing Nan, I had the idea that she’d become a fitness enthusiast, but it didn’t feel like enough of a story for he
r. I wanted to give her new endeavor deeper roots. Suddenly, Nan’s mermaid past started spinning in my mind, and it felt like something I’ve been gearing up for my whole life. I truly loved writing about women who found a way to return to their love of mermaids and underwater performance. Possibly, in part, because I’d like to believe it’s something I can still aspire to.

  Who is the character of Nan based on? Did that person also go through a major health kick?

  None of the characters I write are based on real people, but Nan’s health kick was inspired by my own quest to protect my heart health by switching to a whole food, plant-based diet. I’ve been eating this way for several years now, and it has drastically changed my life and health for the better, but I also know how eye roll–inducing people talking about their diets can be. I decided to have a little fun at my own expense by turning Nan into a militant vegan and making Katie very frustrated by this change. That said, I do take great joy in hacking recipes to make them meet my dietary needs, and I’ve made most of the foods Nan serves. Except for those terrible cookies.

  Did your dog inspire any of Bark’s personality?

  Stella, our German Shepherd, came to us at thirteen months and was an absolute terror. Through a lot of hard work, she eventually settled in and became a functional member of our family.

  Then, over the course of a year, we lost our other dog to cancer, our elderly cat passed away, and we made a cross-country move. The ways we’d taught Stella to cope were dependent on having animal buddies, a big yard, and a regular routine. Suddenly, we were living in a different environment with different parameters, so Stella and I had to go back to the drawing board to figure out how to help her function in our new life. It also forced me to confront my anxiety issues, because she picks up on my nerves. I wanted to be better for Stella and it made me better for myself too.