The She-Hulk Diaries

by Acosta, Marta

  “I didn’t mean…” I began and could feel my skin going pink.

  “We’re both serious, Jennifer, and our work here is our priority. If you would like a onetime test run to find out if we are compatible, we can schedule that. My primary goal is an intense cardio activity with a desirable outcome. I’m not seeking complications, but I do like companionship. There is no pressure and I won’t take offense if you decide to decline.”

  Now, I always advise my clients, “When someone makes an unexpected offer, don’t reject it out of hand. There may be benefits that you haven’t considered, or you might be able to turn the offer to your advantage. Ask for time to explore the possibilities.”

  So I said, “That is an intriguing suggestion, Fritz, and I’ll take it under advisement. Are you extending this exclusively to me and is there a time limit on it?”

  It was at this moment that I saw Ellis looking at us. Naturally, I’d been mildly somewhat totally freaked out that he was in the room. He caught my eye, and I froze while Fritz said, “It’s exclusive to you and any reasonable time limit—what about sixty days?”

  I forced my gaze back to Fritz and smiled. “I will definitely have a decision to you within sixty days.”

  “Excellent! In the meanwhile, do you think you could teach me a few defensive moves?”

  I casually glanced around, but Ellis was nowhere in sight. Amber was smeering at me from beside a table of heart-shaped pink macaroons and chocolates.

  “Sure, Fritz, but not here.”

  So we went to my office. Because anyone could look in through the glass wall, I suggested my meditation room. I kicked off my heels and Fritz took off his shoes and jacket and loosened his tie. I started with straight punches to warm up and moved on to palm strikes. He had strength, but his core wasn’t centered, so I bent over to position his legs properly, and he started laughing and grunting while he threw out his fists.

  I wished I’d had a mat, because we fell over with a thud and laughter. I said, “That’s enough for now,” and we got up. I tugged down my hem and was glad my stockings hadn’t run.

  He was a good student, and I invited him to one of my sessions. We were jostling out of the meditation room, arranging our clothes, when I looked up to see Ellis standing by my desk. One of his eyebrows went up, and he said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt. Excuse me,” and he left.

  This is what my brain was thinking: Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT!

  Fritz just laughed again and said, “Okay, we’ve officially provided the gossip for the office party.”

  Then I spewed several OMGs, and Fritz tried to calm me down by saying, “Relax. We didn’t do anything, and besides that was Ellis Quintal, who used to be Ellis Tesla. Do you remember him from Fringe Theory?”

  “Yes, I met him already,” I said, which was true.

  “That band was out of control and he probably slept with a thousand girls. This is nothing to a guy like that.” Then Fritz sighed. “One of their songs, ‘Gin e-Motion,’ was my slow jam in college. How did it go? ‘She starts out slow as gin/acceleration then begins/my force, of course, meets hers and then/sexual commotion/explains my Gin devotion.’ One of my girlfriends called it the white man’s answer to Teddy Pendergrass.”

  I made a few ers and ums and smoothed my hair and said, “Let me go back first and you wait a few minutes before going in.”

  Fritz thought that was hilarious but said he would go first to protect my virtue. I waited about ten minutes, but then I thought I’d been gone too long, which was just as bad as showing up with Fritz. I was hurrying down the hallway, but I didn’t hear the previous party chatter. Instead, one sweet pure voice pierced the silence. I slowed my steps as I approached the conference rooms.

  Everyone had crowded at the front, where Amber was standing and singing “My Funny Valentine.” She smiled as she sang and her phrasing and pitch were so perfect with the bittersweet lyrics that I felt my breath catch. Couples held hands and eyes glittered with tears. As she hit the last line, she looked right at Ellis and he looked directly at her, as if he was a sailor and she was a siren enticing him to the rocks.

  Then the song ended and everyone clapped, breaking the spell. I made it to the buffet table and ate the neatest, safest canapés there (cheese on crackers). When I turned back to the room, I saw that Ellis was standing by the windows, hands shoved in his jacket pockets, at the periphery of a group. Amber was in the center, talking intently to a silver-haired woman, her back to me.

  Face the fire, I told myself, so I walked right up to him and said, “Hello, Ellis. How nice of the company to put on a party.”

  “Hello, Jennifer. Yes, it’s nice.”

  Was he being sarcastic? I looked into his dark eyes but couldn’t tell.

  He lifted his chin toward Fritz, who was chatting with a giggling young woman, and said, “I see you’re making friends.”

  “Yes, Fritz is going to come to one of my Krav Maga classes, and I was showing him a few moves.”

  “Grab ’em Raw? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” he said, and his eyes shone.

  “Krav Maga. I train in the martial arts,” I said, but he seemed to think that was funny, because his lips went up on one side, and I got so nervous remembering those lips that I said, “I would be happy to give you a demonstration of my favorite moves.”

  That’s when he burst out laughing, loud enough to get Amber Hammerhead and the older woman’s attention.

  I tried to exert mind control, hoping that I’d suddenly developed it, so that Amber wouldn’t come over, but she and the attractive older woman joined us.

  The older woman said, “Ellis, won’t you introduce me to your friend?”

  “Mom, this is Jennifer Walters, who just joined the firm. Jennifer, this is my mother, Rosie Quintal.”

  Her expression changed a little and she said, “I thought I recognized you. I followed your case when you were representing Tony Stark—and dating him, too, I believe.”

  Ellis looked startled, but Amber didn’t.

  Now, I always advise my clients, “When someone introduces an unexpected element in a transaction, resist the urge to ignore or excuse it. Instead, immediately acknowledge it and position it to your advantage.”

  So I said, “Yes, I’ve been fortunate to know Tony both personally and professionally, having both sued him and won cases for him. Being around him is always intellectually invigorating.”

  “Yes, I bet it is stimulating,” the blond hammerhead smeered.

  Rosie Quintal said, “Inventors are so quixotic.”

  “Most, but Tony isn’t tilting at windmills, since he’s capable of achieving seemingly impossible goals. Because he’s a genius.” I saw Ellis’s eyebrows go up, so I added, “And gorgeous, and a superhero,” thereby establishing my value in that elevated realm. Not that I had to prove anything to any science teacher besides my cousin.

  Rosie said, “Be sure to bring Mr. Stark to our next party! Where’s your date tonight, dear?”

  “She’s with Fritz,” Ellis said.

  “No, I’m on my own. I find that work parties can be a little dull for those outside the field.”

  Rosie smiled slyly and said, “I refuse to respond to your comment on the grounds that, et cetera. If you’ll excuse me, I must circulate. Delighted to finally meet you…” and here is where I needed a court stenographer because I could have sworn there was a very deliberate pause before she said, “Jen.”

  Amber stiffened and Ellis looked away, and I erhed or umed before I managed to say, “A pleasure meeting you.”

  Rosie hooked her arm through the hammerhead’s and said, “Amber, do help me navigate the shoals.”

  I thought a siren would know a lot about navigating shoals. Amber didn’t want to leave us, but she couldn’t say no to her fiancé’s mother.

  I said to Ellis, “Amber’s voice is very beautiful.”

  “She likes to be the best at anything she does.”

  “Well, er, your mother
seems very nice.”

  “She is very nice,” Ellis said. “I still can’t get over seeing you again after all this time. I thought you’d vanished off the planet.”

  He was so bogus, and I returned the bogusity. “Ellis, it’s nice seeing you, too. Now that I’m working with Amber, I imagine we’ll encounter each other occasionally, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention our previous association to anyone since I’m sure it would be detrimental to both of our public images.”

  “Your secrets are safe with me. Those secrets that I know.” He had a sort of wild expression in his eyes, the same look he’d had when he threw out that flash paper at the concert.

  “I don’t have any secrets, Ellis, but I do respect private lives.”

  “Whatever you say, Gin. Jen. Jennifer.”

  I always tell my clients, “If you feel that you are losing control of a negotiation, don’t hesitate to ask for a recess.”

  So I said, “Very nice seeing you again.” I stepped away and walked right into a waiter, bumping him backward into one of the assistants, who stumbled into a woman in a pink dress. The woman’s plate of prawns in ginger sauce flew up into the face of a guy in a pin-striped suit, who closed his eyes and walked smack into a bistro table with a soaring pyramid of puff pastries drizzled with caramel, which teetered precipitously before collapsing over and onto a partner.

  The bad thing was that the domino effect continued in the crowded room: glasses crashed, plates clattered, expensive silks and cashmeres were ruined.

  The good thing was that nothing splattered on me. When a chafing dish caught fire, I took it as a sign to leave. I glanced back into the mayhem of the conference room and saw Ellis leaning against a wall and laughing.

  11:30 P.M.

  The day isn’t even over and I’ve already accumulated lots of points, which I will add up when I figure out how to get the spreadsheet program to work. My cogitating is being hampered by fixating on Ellis. What was he getting at? Was he getting at anything? He’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a hunky good-smelling but engaged enigma.

  Thinking about him rattles my brain, which usually operates with the interplanetary precision of an Omega Galaxymaster. I made that observation to Dahlia after scoring perfect LSATs, and she said, “Yeah, you are a space cadet for sure.” Anyway, I have occasionally advised my clients, “If you find yourself without any immediately pressing deadlines, take time off to relax. Not only will you feel better, but you’ll perform better when you return to your task.”

  I went to the guest bedroom and opened the closet. Christian Siriano’s wickedly fabulous anthracite leather jumpsuit with jet-black feather trim was hanging in the closet.

  I took off my pretty scarlet dress and transformed. My confusion over Ellis and the hammerhead melted away.

  Shulky, usually so happy to be naked, couldn’t wait to pour herself into Siriano’s sinuous garment. She posed in front of the mirror and purred, “I look fierce!” and snapped her fingers before heading out to parties.

  IMPLIED CONTRACT

  FEBRUARY 15

  I am not looking at celebrity gossip about Shulky’s Valentine’s Day activities. It was a mistake to check on Twitter and see all the horrible Tweets about her with #superhasbeens.

  I am looking at ads for apartments. I want to stay near enough to the Mansion to help out if they need Shulky or me, which limits my options. I called Ruth, told her about my apartment search, and said, “I’m going to miss the private elevator, and I really need a place that gives me easy sneaking-in-and-out access.”

  She promised to check around and said, “It’s too bad that Shulky got you kicked out of the Mansion with all its amazing secret exits and entrances, but I’ll try to find a place convenient to hidden routes.”

  “That would be great, Ruth. Thanks!”

  I announced to Dahlia that I’m officially looking for a new place. We were at her pet-sit, a lavish condo whose owners had seemingly abandoned it to their horrible dog. Rodney was snorting and snuffling belly-up on a custom-made dog sofa. “D, why don’t they just get rid of that awful animal so they can return home?”

  “Jen, when did you become so coldhearted? You haven’t told me anything about your interlude with your former loverrr.” She made some disgusting kissing and sucking sounds as she dimmed the lights and opened the media armoire.

  “He was inscrutable. I couldn’t comprehend anything he said. I think he was just messing with me,” I said. “Please mention to your clients that you have a friend who needs a new apartment. Two or three bedrooms because I need an office.”

  “You have one. It’s at QUIRC. It sounds like Ellis was flirting with you.”

  “Wrong. His mother and Amber were right there. Are you really going to make me watch When Harry Met Sally again?”

  She said yes, because “Sally Hershberger’s subsequent cut for Meg Ryan revolutionized the shag. It literally dragged the shag from its dreadful 1970s prehistoric cave, where it was residing with the mullet, which should never again see the light of day, and the wedge, which is due for a comeback.”

  “One, that’s not what ‘literally’ means,” I said. “Two, I have limited tolerance for Billy Crystal’s shameless mugging, and, three, okay, because Meg is supercute as Sally.”

  We watched the movie yet again, and after a few glasses of wine, D wanted to give me an updated shag, but I said no and really meant it.

  FEBRUARY 18

  My days and nights have been utterly consumed by prep for my meeting with our ReplaceMax client. Every minute with Amber is an exercise in patience. She’s icy cool, very efficient, but too often I catch her watching me with a derisive lift to the corner of her mouth. Too bad being unjustifiably bitchy isn’t actionable.

  The tension is getting to me, so much so that I’m debating Fritz’s offer. He’s attractive, a good sport, and very fit. I could burn off energy and distract myself from things from worries from obsessing over Ellis.

  UPSIDE OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH FRITZ

  Will provide a certificate of health

  Attractive heterosexual male

  Can multitask by consulting on cases

  Enjoys strenuous aerobic workout with positive outcome (check to see if that includes my positive outcome)

  Conveniently located and knows my work schedule

  We have already established affable communications, which should promote pleasant exchanges in the bedroom

  DOWNSIDE OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH FRITZ

  No romantic component

  May develop uncomfortable/unbalanced/awkward romantic component

  Could result in negative workplace gossip

  Might hinder a relationship with legitimate PFLOML

  May be terrible at sex or a gross kisser

  Not especially enthusiastic about purely physical sex with anyone, inc. Fritz

  Last night I woke at three in the morning in a cold sweat from an anxiety dream about the Joocey Jooce warehouse. I was being attacked by giant angry gamma-powered fruit that overpowered me. There were evil dancing bananas that looked suspiciously like Shulky’s cartoons.

  I didn’t tell that to Dahlia because she’d insist there was a Freudian element based on her single human sexuality psych class.

  The dream was still bothering me in the evening. I got back from QUIRC too late to talk to Claude, and Joocey Jooce’s official corporate history is all crunchy goodness. There was no mention of trading electrical upgrades for a lease on a warehouse. In fact, according to the founder, operations had always been housed in New Jersey.

  FEBRUARY 19

  Claude was downstairs when I headed to work. I had to cut short his fascinating discussion of the (miserable, freezing) weather and say, “Have you thought about selling your property outright to Joocey Jooce? You don’t want to deal with any problems in the future, and you could invest the money or set up a trust fund for your family.”

  He said, “The Joocey Jooce guy is a heck of a nice guy.”
>
  “Claude, if he was nice he would have paid his rent in a timely manner. Do you know why he even needs your warehouse? I think all their manufacturing is done in Jersey.”

  “I asked once and he told me he experimented with new flavors. It was a long time ago. He sent over more coupons. Take some.” Claude opened the reception desk drawer and took out handfuls of coupons for free drinks.

  I put them in my bag so I could send them to Sergeant Patty and Ruth. “Not everyone is as kindhearted as you. Please think about selling the building or at least getting a lease in writing. If Joocey Jooce backs the lease, your income will be assured.”

  Claude smiled and nodded, but I got the feeling he wasn’t going to push the issue.

  In the cab to work, I noticed the long lines outside Joocey Jooce and called Dahlia.

  ME: D, what do you like best about Joocey Jooce?

  D: Good morning to you, too, sunshine. I’m not even going to ask why you’re asking. The smoothies are great and the people who work there are so nice. I always feel happier when I leave.

  ME: “Play nice” is their motto. They have to be nice.

  D: I don’t think they’re faking it.

  ME: It’s just weird for New Yorkers.

  D: Oh, Jen, when did you get so cynical? Do you want to go out tonight?

  ME: Only if you’ll go apartment hunting with me.

  D: Only online. No one’s going to show you apartments on a Monday night.

  ME: Okay, we can start online. So far all I know is that “cute” means “puny.” That reminds me, don’t bring Rodney tonight.

  1:00 P.M.

  First impressions count in business, and I set aside an hour to review my notes and organize my thoughts for my meeting with my first QUIRC client. Because I have to justify the meditation room, I went there and stretched out on the sofa. It was really very nice. Maybe I’ll bring flowers in there, or something that wouldn’t die from neglect.