Just As I Am

by E. Lynn Harris

  “Now take this and go over there and sit down. You are wearing me out with all this depression and drama,” Kyle said as he led Delaney by the hand to a chair that faced the window. Delaney complied and sat staring at the sun as it burst through the windows. I looked at Kyle and he just waved his hands in the air in disgust, then motioned for me to come into his bedroom.

  Once we were in Kyle’s bedroom I noticed piles of beautiful lace fabric on his bed. I was getting ready to pick up the fabric when I realized Kyle was trying to get my attention without using his voice. Kyle mouthed, “Get that bitch outta here.”

  “What’s the matter with her?” I whispered.

  Kyle motioned I don’t know with his hands and then mouthed again, “Maybe it’s that time of the month.”

  “Okay, I’ll take her with me,” I mouthed back. I thought, why do men always think it’s that time of the month when women are depressed or moody?

  Instead of looking at the fabric I went back into the living room, went over to the chair, and knelt down beside Delaney. She had one hand inside her ivory silk blouse and her other hand holding the now half-filled wineglass. Her brown eyes looked weighed down in sadness. I gently removed the glass from her hand and set it on the floor.

  “Delaney, are you all right, baby?” I asked.

  Delaney just shook her head slowly and removed her hand from the inside of her blouse.

  “Come on then, baby. I’m going to take you home,” I said.

  Kyle walked back into the living room and came over to Delaney and me. We glanced at each other and when I looked back at Delaney her eyes were filled with tears and I felt tears beginning to form in mine. Large tears fell down her cheeks, but she did nothing to stop their flow.

  Kyle looked at the both of us and started to scream, “What’s the matter, girls? Please, I can’t take all this drama.”

  “Kyle, calm down,” I instructed.

  I reached down and hugged Delaney as her tears turned to sobs. Kyle came over and put his arms around the both of us. “Now come on, girlfriends. Whatever it is, we’ll get over it,” he said.

  After a few minutes of silence and tears, Delaney removed herself from our embrace, wiped her face with her hands, and stood up in front of Kyle and me.

  “Nicole, Kyle. I was attacked by somebody I was working for,” Delaney said sadly.

  Delaney’s announcement left even Kyle speechless. I mean what could we say? I went over to Delaney and put my arms around her.

  “What happened, Delaney?” I asked. “When?”

  “A couple of nights ago at KG studios right after a taping. I was the principal and he said he needed some additional shots,” Delaney said.

  “Who? Who was the motherfucker?” Kyle questioned.

  “Papa Kee,” Delaney said softly.

  “Papa Kee. Who is that?” I asked.

  “He’s a rap star,” Kyle said.

  “Do you want to talk about it, Delaney?”

  “You don’t have to,” Kyle said.

  Delaney remained silent.

  “Did you report it?” I asked.

  “Report it to who?” Delaney asked.

  “The police,” Kyle said.

  “No,” Delaney said as she lowered her head toward the floor.

  “Delaney, baby, you have to report it,” I said.

  “I don’t know. He’s a really popular singer and I want to keep working,” Delaney said.

  “A popular singer? Chile, fuck that shit,” Kyle said. “You can’t let him get away with it. What did he do?”

  “Kyle’s right, Delaney. Did you have any clue that he was like that?” I asked.

  “Well, I knew he was a big flirt. He had been flirting with me since the audition. When he came on to me by touching me and I removed his hands, he pinned me against the wall and reached under my skirt and ripped off my panties,” Delaney said.

  “Was there anyone there?” I asked as I continued to rub Delaney’s hands. Kyle’s arms were wrapped around her shoulders.

  “No.”

  “Delaney, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but we want to help,” Kyle said.

  Delaney wiped her tears with the corner of her blouse and Kyle jumped up and went into the bathroom and brought back a damp face cloth. Delaney took the cloth and wiped the corners of her eyes, which were smeared with makeup.

  “Is there anything you want us to do? If you report it, we’ll go with you,” I said.

  “Yes, Delaney, I think you have to report it. Did he penetrate you?”

  “No!” Delaney said in a loud, cracked voice.

  “So what happened?” Kyle asked.

  “He stuck his finger inside me and then did oral sex on me,” Delaney said as she started to cry again.

  I pulled her back to me and just rocked her gently and shook my head in disbelief.

  “Don’t worry, darling. It will be all right,” I said.

  “Come on, Delaney. It will be all right. What do you want us to do?” Kyle asked.

  “Let me work this out. I haven’t told anyone because I didn’t want to be pressured. I feel better telling you guys, but I need to call my mother,” Delaney said.

  “Here, girl, take the phone and go in my bedroom and call her,” Kyle said.

  Delaney took the portable phone and walked slowly into Kyle’s bedroom. Kyle and I just looked at each other. He walked over to the large picture window and stared out. “What should we do?” he asked.

  “Just be supportive. We have to respect Delaney’s wishes. She’ll make the right decision.”

  “Okay. I hope you’re right. I just hope she doesn’t let the motherfucker get away with it.”

  While Delaney talked to her mother, Kyle went into the kitchen and started to make some tea. All sorts of thoughts raced through my head. How could this happen to someone like Delaney? She was so strong-willed. You heard rumors all the time about some of the stars using heavy-handed tricks to get sexual favors from aspiring actresses, but this was rape. I had to convince Delaney to press charges without pressuring her. This jerk couldn’t get away with hurting my friend.

  Delaney came back into the living room and I gave her another hug. Minutes later Kyle brought out three mugs of tea on a tray. We drank in silence. I suggested Delaney come and spend the night with me and she agreed.

  Later that evening Delaney seemed back to her old self. She didn’t want to talk about the attack, but said she would think about what we’d said. Her mother wanted her to come home, but Delaney declined.

  Right before we went to bed, Delaney said she needed to call her mother again to let her know where she was and that she was doing fine.

  I went into my bathroom to get ready for bed. I removed my makeup and placed my earrings in a tiny dish resting on the face bowl. When I walked into my bedroom, Delaney was still on the phone but at least she was smiling. When she hung up she said her mother told her everything would be fine and she would fly to New York Friday morning.

  Delaney seemed to enjoy a great relationship with her mother and I envied her for this. As Delaney prepared for bed I reached for the portable phone and called Sheila as I walked into the living room.

  “Praise the Lord,” Sheila said when she answered the phone.

  “Sheila, this is Nicole. I’m sorry to bother you so late but I wondered if you would say a special prayer for a friend of mine.”

  “Now, Nicole, it’s morning anyhow. Let’s get started,” Sheila said.

  The prayer session with Sheila made me feel a lot better. After I hung up, Kyle called wondering if he’d been too insensitive earlier this afternoon and to make sure everything was okay. I told him everything was fine and joked by telling him he didn’t know any better. “I think we should go out and take care of the motherfucker ourselves. We should hold a big press conference and see how that helps his record sales,” Kyle said.

  “You’ve got a good point there, Kyle,” I said. “I think I hear Delaney. We’ll give you a ca
ll tomorrow.”

  “Okay, darling. Tell Delaney to hang in there,” he said.

  “Consider it taken care off. Good night, Kyle.”

  Delaney came out of the bedroom wearing one of my old cotton nightshirts. She gently removed the gold earrings from her ears and laid them on the coffee table silently. Delaney picked up a brush, which had been lying on the top of her bag, and started to slowly brush her hair.

  I walked over to the wall unit and looked through my music selection.

  “You feel like some Patti LaBelle?” I called out to Delaney.

  “Naw, not Patti tonight,” Delaney said.

  “But she’s your favorite,” I said.

  “And she’ll be my favorite tomorrow, but tonight I want to hear some gospel music. You got some of that, don’t you?”

  “Are you okay? I mean really okay?”

  “I’m starting to feel much better. I’m so glad you talked me into spending the night.”

  I smiled at Delaney and put in the first religious disc I saw. Powerful gospel voices quickly filled my apartment as I turned off the lights and checked the locks. Delaney and I held each other tightly by the waist and walked slowly into the bedroom. I jumped on my bed and Delaney joined me and playfully hit me with the pillow. She pushed my dolls to the floor. “These girls got to go,” she joked. We were like two teenage girls at their first slumber party.

  She gave me a hug and thanked me for the support and I looked at her, pulled her close to me, and said, “That’s what good girlfriends are for!”

  Fifteen

  It was my birthday and Sherrod Jones gave me one of the best gifts I’d received in several years. Over lunch she accepted my final offer of two hundred thousand dollars and a private apology to Charles Marshall from Basil. I also suggested and Sherrod agreed that Basil make a contribution from his own pocket to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation or the Minority AIDS project. Basil would decide on the charity but the amount was a non-negotiable ten thousand dollars. In return we received a gag agreement and avoided a lengthy trial. Basil was due back in the New York area for summer training camp in about a month and wanted to get this mess resolved. I wanted to get rid of him. The summer was usually a slow period for me and I wanted to relax before the college football season started. Maybe I would go to New York and hang out with Kyle. I needed to make sure he wasn’t still upset with me. It was really strange not talking with him every day.

  I’d had several meetings with Sherrod before we finally reached an agreement. She was a great attorney and Gilliam had warned me she wouldn’t be as easy as the lawyer originally assigned to the case. When Sherrod discovered it was my birthday she suggested we meet at a small French-African restaurant in the Little Five Points area. During lunch with Sherrod, I experienced something out of the ordinary for me. I found myself sexually attracted to her. Maybe it was the way she carried herself—a sort of Oprah Winfrey-like confidence that gave her an overwhelming sexuality. I mean she carried herself as if she weighed a hundred and ten pounds. She wore clothes that made no concession to her weight. Her ebony face sparkled, her mysterious, docile brown eyes enhanced by a hint of makeup. She was not like any of the women I’d ever been with or found myself attracted to.

  “Everything here is great,” Sherrod said as she looked over the menu, which had been printed on a brown paper bag.

  “It smells great. How did you find this place?” I asked as I looked around the restaurant, its walls covered with beautiful African art.

  “One of my clients turned me on to it.”

  “Sherrod, how did you come to represent Marshall?”

  “Oh, he was a referral. I do a lot of pro bono work for people who are HIV positive and have been fired from their jobs.”

  “Is there a lot of that going on in Atlanta?”

  “You’d be surprised. I mean it’s really sad having to deal with the disease and not having an income to support yourself,” Sherrod said.

  “Maybe I’ll talk to Gilliam about our firm helping out.”

  “That would be a great help.”

  “Well, on to the agreement. I think everything is in order,” Sherrod said as she handed me the legal-sized pages.

  “I’ll make sure Mr. Henderson signs this immediately and I’ll messenger the check over to your office.”

  “Great. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, tell me about Raymond Tyler. I mean Raymond Tyler, Jr., correct?”

  “Yes, I’m a junior. How did you know that?”

  “I’ve met your father. Worked on a few national and local campaigns with him. I must say good looks must run in your family,” Sherrod said with a sly smile.

  “Don’t make me blush.”

  “Aw, come on, I’d like to see that.”

  “Let me put the shoe on the other foot. Tell me about Sherrod Jones. Married, divorced, or otherwise engaged?”

  “None of the above. Very happily single and loving it,” she laughed.

  The waitress came and took our orders and I became more intrigued and captivated by Sherrod’s lively manner.

  “So what do you do in your spare time, Sherrod?”

  “Oh, I bowl and I sew, but going to sporting events—all types—is my passion.”

  “No kidding. Me too. I love sports. Especially college football. That’s one of the reasons I went to work for Gilliam.”

  “Then you’ll have to go to the game with me,” Sherrod said.

  “The game. Which one is that?”

  “Florida A&M versus Tennessee State. Every year they play in Fulton County Stadium.”

  “When is it?”

  “Always the third weekend in September. There are tons of parties.”

  “Sounds like a lot of fun. I love FAMU’s band,” I said.

  “So will you?”

  “Will I what?”

  “Will you be my date?” Sherrod asked.

  “Sure I’d love that, but do we have to wait until September? I’m a pretty good bowler.”

  “Oh no, we don’t have to wait. Here is my home number. Call me anytime,” Sherrod said as she scribbled down a phone number on the back of one of her business cards.

  “Great!” I said as I slipped the card in my suit pocket.

  There were times when I thought she reminded me of Janelle, but then she would do something to dispel those similarities. I surprised myself when I caught myself daydreaming about making love with Sherrod. I got the feeling she was attracted to me and I also sensed she felt that if she really wanted me, she could have me.

  Our lunch was served and Sherrod and I exchanged flirtatious glances as we devoured the delicious food. We were finishing our coffee when Sherrod looked me dead in the eyes and asked, “So, Raymond, tell me why some lady hasn’t snagged you off the market yet?”

  “Haven’t met the right one,” I fibbed. “Haven’t met the right one.”

  Sherrod lowered the coffee cup from her lips and placed it in the saucer and smiled. It was a smile that left me wanting more.

  When I got back to the office, I burst into Gilliam’s office to share the great news. She had just gotten off the phone and was putting an earring back on when I came in.

  “Ray, what’s that big smile about?” Gilliam asked.

  “Well, Sherrod and her client accepted our offer and Basil’s insurance company will foot the majority of the costs,” I said. “But he’s going to have to make the donation we discussed from his own pocket.”

  “Oh, that’s great. I just got some good news too. Well, it’s semi-good news,” she said.

  “What?”

  “Just got off the phone with my friend, you know the one that I told you was high up in state politics.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, he just told me my name is on the short list for a federal judgeship, the next time there is an opening,” Gilliam said.

  “That’s great. Congratulations!” I said.

  “Yeah, thanks, but you know I don’t know if I’m rea
dy to reduce my standard of living. I mean I would have to give up some things,” she mused. “Being a public servant isn’t that lucrative.”

  “Oh, I didn’t think about that. But it’s an honor not many of us will ever get.”

  “You know, Ray, you’re right. This buppie mentality can get out of hand. Here I am worried about making over one hundred thousand dollars for the rest of my life. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?” Gilliam quizzed.

  “I guess our generation takes a lot for granted,” I said.

  “You got that right! Our parents never had these opportunities,” Gilliam said.

  “Well maybe now is a good time to ask you something.”

  “What, Ray?”

  “How would you feel about the firm doing some pro bono work for AIDS patients?”

  “Sounds like a great idea. What made you think of that?”

  “Sherrod. She does a lot of work and mentioned they could always use the extra help.”

  “Fine, get the information and get back with me. Ms. Jones is quite impressive, isn’t she?”

  “Quite. So when will you find out about the judgeship?”

  Gilliam went on to explain that nothing was certain, her name was just on a list along with several other attorneys in the state. I did find out that she was the only black female on the list. The current court only had one minority member and that was an older Hispanic judge who was close to retirement.

  She said this was going to speed up her decision to add a partner and for the first time she asked directly if I was interested. I tried to contain my excitement and said I would be willing to discuss it. It had always been a dream of mine to make partner in a firm other than my pops’s before age thirty-five.

  I returned to my office and phoned Basil and gave him the good news. I could tell from his voice over the phone that he was pleased. I told him I would messenger over the agreement, but he suggested I drop it by his place because he had something he wanted to give me. When I asked what, he said, “It’s a surprise.” Despite my better judgment and since it was my birthday, I agreed. I was supposed to meet Jared that evening at a place called Intermezzo, a classy piano bar located at the entrance of Buckhead. Maybe this would be the perfect place and night to broach the subject of feelings.