“Oh, the Paramount. So you decided to stay there?” I said trying to make polite conversation before the news.
“Well, I wanted to thank you for calling me and letting me know about Kyle.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“Yes, I saw him last night.”
“You saw him? How is he?”
“You were right, Nicole. Kyle is very sick,” Raymond said in a mournful tone.
I sat on my bed and clutched my robe. I didn’t know what to say. I hoped this was a bad dream and I would awaken soon. Suddenly my thoughts went back to the day I got the call from Candance’s mother.
“Nicole? Are you still there?” Raymond asked.
“Yes, Ray. I’m sorry. I was praying I was wrong,” I said.
“Yes, I was too. That’s why I came up,” he said.
Raymond went on to explain Kyle had some type of cancer and his mother was with him. He said he’d talked with Kyle’s mother and she said the doctor’s prognosis was anywhere from three months to a year. My eyes filled with tears and I began to weep openly as I thought about not having Kyle around and the pain he was going through. Why hadn’t he told me? Raymond tried to console me over the phone by saying, “It’s okay, Nicole … go ahead and cry.” Raymond said Kyle didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him and he didn’t want any tears so Raymond wanted me to get them all out before I saw Kyle.
I asked Raymond when Delaney and I could see Kyle. He said he would be on his way to Kyle’s apartment when we hung up and he would call me from there. I thanked him and told him I’d wait for his call. Just before I hung up Raymond said my name as he had so many times. “Nicole, it’s great hearing your voice and I’ll be forever in your debt for calling me. I hope I’ll see you real soon.”
When I hung up the phone I looked toward the ceiling and said out loud, “Why, Lord? Please, not again.”
I walked slowly around my apartment wondering what to do next. I needed to call Delaney and let her know about Kyle. I was walking toward my bathroom to wash my face when my phone rang. It was Pierce.
“Are you still not talking to me?” Pierce asked.
“Hello, Pierce. I know we need to talk but I’ve just been so upset about Kyle,” I said.
“So your suspicions were correct?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I just got a call from Raymond. He spoke with Kyle last night,” I said.
There was a brief silence.
“Pierce, are you still there?”
“Yes, Nicole. Raymond—isn’t that your ex?”
“Yes, Raymond is the guy I used to see.”
“You’re not going to see him are you?”
“What? I’m sure I’ll see him.”
“Are you excited about seeing him?”
“Pierce, please. Right now my only concern is Kyle.”
“Well, let me know if there is anything I can do.”
“I will, Pierce. I will call you the first chance I get. We will talk. We have to.”
“Okay, Nicole, I’ll wait for your call.”
“Okay.”
“Nicole?”
“Yes?”
“I’m really sorry about all this,” Pierce said sadly.
“I know, Pierce. I know. Thank you.”
I hung up and called Delaney before I took my shower. I figured if I started crying again I could do it in the shower with the rush of the warm water.
“Hello.”
“Delaney, this is Nicole, darling. I was right,” I said.
“About Kyle?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Then he really is sick?”
“Yeah, Delaney. Raymond just called me and broke the news on what I already suspected,” I said as I started to look in my dresser for a book of poetry I was going to give to Kyle.
“Raymond? How does he know for sure?” Delaney questioned.
“He’s here in New York. He saw Kyle last night,” I said.
“I knew something was up. I mean all of sudden Kyle was so busy. I mean he’s always busy but at least before he was able to make time for us,” Delaney said.
I shared with Delaney what Raymond had told me about Kyle’s not wanting any sympathy. He wanted things to stay the same.
“Stay the same?” Delaney exclaimed. “How in the fuck can things stay the same?”
“Delaney, calm down,” I said. “I know you’re upset, but you’ve got to calm down.”
“I’m sorry, girl. You know I think Kyle tried to tell me this before Memorial Day.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he was talking about all the big gay events. Washington, D.C., for Memorial Day, L.A. for the Fourth, and so on, and he said this was going to be his last Dreamboy tour. I thought he meant he was going to stop hanging out so much,” Delaney lamented.
While Delaney was talking I tried to think if Kyle had given me any signals when I suddenly caught a glimpse of the wedding slip I had hanging on my closet door. It hit me why Kyle was in such a hurry to make my wedding gown and my eyes filled with tears again. My tears turned into sobs and Delaney begged me to stop crying because she had already put on her makeup and she didn’t want to join me. Delaney told me she had an audition in about an hour but she would come by my apartment when she finished and not to make a move without her.
“Delaney, please be on time. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit around this apartment waiting,” I said.
“Do you think I should cancel my audition?”
“No, Kyle wouldn’t want you to do that.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, I think I’m right about this.”
“If I see where I’m running behind I’ll call,” Delaney said.
“Where is your audition?”
“On the Lower East side,” Delaney said.
“Who is it with?”
“Some singer I’ve never heard of.”
“Delaney, please be safe,” I said.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. We need to be worried about Kyle right now.”
“I know but I just want to be sure you’ll be safe.”
“I will be.”
“Delaney?”
“Yes, Nicole?”
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yes, girl. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I just keep worrying about you.”
“Because of the rape?”
I paused for a second. This was the first time Delaney had used the word rape.
“Yes, the rape, Delaney. You should make sure your agent checks these people out,” I said.
“My agent always does that,” Delaney defended.
“Did you tell him what happened?”
“No, it’s none of his business.”
“It is, Delaney. I just don’t think you’re dealing with this.”
“I’m dealing with it slowly.”
“Well, you know I’m here for you.”
“Yes, darling, I do, but right now we’ve got Kyle to worry about.”
“I know. Bye, Delaney.”
“I’ll see you later, darling.”
After hanging up the phone, I got on my knees and started to pray for Kyle. I had to believe that prayer changed things.
I took a shower and ordered coffee and pumpkin muffins from the neighborhood deli. As I sipped the hot brew I skimmed through a copy of Essence magazine and pulled a Maya Angelou book of poetry from my bookshelf. This would calm me down while I waited for my phone calls and Delaney.
I had started my magical journey with Maya’s words when the phone rang.
“Hello,” I said.
“Nicole?”
“Raymond?”
“Yeah, just wanted to get back with you. I’m up at Kyle’s. He wants to know if you would come and take his mom to get something to eat and take her out for a while?”
“Sure,” I said quickly. “What time?”
“What time is convenient for you?”
“Let me put on some clothes and I’ll be right over,” I said.
“Okay. We’ll look forward to seeing you,” he said.
“I’ll see you guys soon,” I said as I clicked off the phone.
I looked in my closet and pulled out a flowered vest, black-pleated slacks, and a crimson silk camisole edged with lace and laid them across my bed. After putting on my makeup, I brushed my hair, pulled it up in a bun, then suddenly let it out, allowing it to fall to my shoulders. Before leaving my apartment, I placed a call to Dr. Huntley’s office to arrange an appointment. I had a feeling I would need to see her after leaving Kyle’s. I also called Delaney’s service and left a message telling her that I couldn’t wait, and to meet me at Kyle’s.
The afternoon was sunny and very fall-like. I asked the taxi driver to go through Central Park so I could view fall’s beautiful colors prancing like a jazz dance troupe throughout the park. As we sped through the park to the West Side, I laughed out loud when I thought of how Kyle always said, “Go head, girl, and catch your chariot over to the rich East Side.” I’d never really stopped to think how much I treasured Kyle’s friendship. He’d taught me so much.
Right after Candance’s death and my breakup with Raymond, I didn’t want to have anything to do with black men, especially black, gay or bisexual men. I was angry at what they were capable of. The dishonesty, the outward perfection that caused women to fall for them without knowing the whole truth. I assumed such actions had to be part of a calculated plan, like a conspiracy against black women. There were so few black men out there and I really felt all the sharp ones had chosen to be gay so they wouldn’t have to compete with the men women sometimes chose … the ones who abused women but who really had it going on when it came to lovemaking. I was angry for all my young sisters coming after me who would have to learn the lessons I’d learned the hard way. I didn’t like seeing a good-looking, smart black man only to have to think about the fact that he might choose Kyle over me. Once Kyle and I became close, we’d see a good-looking guy and I would look at him and whisper, “Would he prefer you or me?” Kyle helped me understand that these moves were not calculated. He would get upset with me every time I asked, “Why did he have to choose to be gay?” Through Kyle, I was starting to have a better understanding of gay black men and some of the struggles they had to deal with day to day. With Kyle I was able to ask questions and get honest answers that increased my understanding when it came to homosexuality and bisexuality, questions that prior to my moving to New York it would have never occurred to me to ask. I didn’t know any gay people in Arkansas except for a couple of hairdressers I met through my pageant experiences and they actually lived in Memphis.
I rushed through the lobby of Kyle’s building and up to his floor. I took a deep breath and then rang the bell. When Ray opened the door I was momentarily stunned. He was a more powerful presence than I’d remembered.
“Nicole. How are you?” Raymond said as he took my hands and led me into Kyle’s apartment. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips. It wasn’t a romantic kiss, but a glad-to-see-you kiss.
“Raymond. How are you?”
“I’ve been better. You look beautiful,” he said flashing his bright, glacier-white teeth. A brightness that was second only to his green eyes. Eyes I felt were looking right through me. I just stood inside the foyer, stone-like, looking at Raymond and how handsome he was. We were standing there like two kids on their first date trying to decide whether or not to go for the first kiss. I was getting ready to inquire about Kyle and his mother when I heard Kyle call from the bedroom.
“Is that Diva Detective?” he yelled.
“Yes, Kyle, it’s me. Do you want me to come back there?”
“No, darling, I’m on my way out,” Kyle said.
I was getting ready to ask Raymond how long he was going to stay when out walked Kyle’s mother, an attractive, small-boned woman with a peach-colored complexion.
“You must be the Broadway star diva Kyle’s always talking about,” she said as she came over, gave me a hug, and brushed her cheek against mine.
“What has Kyle been telling you, Ms. Benton? I’m so glad to finally meet you.”
“Call me Peaches, darling. Peaches Gant. I never married Kyle’s daddy,” she said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, bringing my hands to my mouth as to cover up my mistake.
“Don’t be sorry, darling. I’m not. He was a piss-poor sorry-ass man. I’m not the least bit sorry. The best thing he ever gave me was the sperm that created Kyle,” she laughed.
Now I knew where Kyle got his quick wit and sense of humor.
“Where would you like to go eat?”
“Don’t matter to me. Just so long as it ain’t fancy and no Indian food. Can’t stand the stuff,” Peaches said.
“How about soul food?”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure Peaches would like Sylvia’s,” Raymond interjected.
“Or I was also thinking about Copeland’s,” I said quickly, trying to ignore Raymond’s suggestion. I hoped he didn’t think he was going too.
“Where’s Copeland’s?” he asked.
I turned to face him, “Oh, it’s uptown off Broadway.”
I was doing just fine until I looked in the corner and saw Kyle’s dressmaker’s dummy wearing the wedding gown he had made for me. It looked like he’d finished it. My eyes were welling up when Kyle walked into the living room. He looked frail. I couldn’t believe how much weight he had lost. He was wearing baggy corduroy pants and an ivory-colored turtleneck.
“Hey, Diva Detective. You couldn’t think of a better way to get this nigger up here?” he joked as he walked slowly over to me and gave me a gentle embrace. It was like hugging his bones.
“Hey, baby,” I said as I pulled him closer to me and whispered, “Don’t embarrass me, bitch,” with clenched teeth and frozen smile.
“Where is that other tramp?” Kyle asked.
“Oh, she had an audition. I left her a message to meet me up here,” I said.
“Good, I want her to meet my mother,” Kyle said.
I took a seat on the sofa and watched Raymond, Kyle, and Peaches interact warmly. Raymond had his large arms covering both Kyle and his mother. He was dressed wonderfully as usual. Starched white shirt and pleated trousers that fitted his body like a banana peel fit a banana.
Kyle seemed happy and I was glad he was not mad at me. I picked up the portable phone and dialed my number to see if I had any messages. There was a message from Dr. Huntley saying she had an opening and for me to call to arrange an appointment.
“So are you two joining us?” I asked, looking at Kyle and Raymond.
“Are we, Kyle?” Raymond asked.
“No, let the ladies go out. I mean the real ladies,” Kyle giggled.
“Kyle, you’re so crazy,” I said.
“Ain’t he a pistol?” Peaches piped in.
“Well, I guess maybe the next time,” Raymond said, looking directly into my eyes. He was making me nervous. It was time to dash.
“Well, Peaches, you need a jacket. The wind is picking up,” I said.
“Please, don’t let her have more than two cocktails,” Kyle said.
“Mind your own business,” Peaches said.
“Well, you guys have fun. Raymond, it’s great seeing you,” I said.
“Same here, Nicole. Same here,” he smiled.
I gave Kyle a hug and a kiss, but I just looked at Raymond. The first kiss was enough for one day. I gave him a wan smile and led Peaches out of the door and to our lunch date.
Over lunch I learned that Princess was her birth name, but she had been called Peaches for as long as she could remember. Peaches spent the majority of our lunch talking about Kyle. How smart he was as a little boy and how beautiful he was as a baby. She shared with me some things I knew about Kyle and some I didn’t. How Kyle helped to support her and his ailing grandfather, something Kyle never mentioned. Not once during our entire conversation did she refer to the fact
that Kyle was gay or dying from AIDS. There is nothing like a mother’s love, I thought, as Peaches glowed while she talked about her son and my friend.
When I asked her where she got her nickname, she replied, “In south Jersey, everybody who wasn’t dark skinned was called red and my grandmother didn’t want people calling her grands red, so she started calling me Peaches because of my skin color and my cheeks. She said they looked like cling peaches.”
I invited Peaches to go to the theater with me but she declined, saying she needed to give Ray a rest since Kyle could wear a normal person down.
As we were walking out of the restaurant I turned to Peaches and asked, “Peaches, how did you feel when you found out Kyle was gay?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, were you upset?”
“No, I wasn’t upset. I guess I always knew he was.… Well, people in my family would call him sweet or even sissy, but Kyle was always so confident of himself that he didn’t let it bother him so neither did I.”
“So it never bothered you?”
“How could it? He was my child. I was just glad he wasn’t out blowing up things and stealing from people. If you’re lucky enough to have your own children, you’ll understand what I mean,” Peaches said.
“So how are you holding up with this?”
“Oh, I’ll be okay. Right now I’m just worrying about my baby boy,” Peaches said softly. The taxi dropped Peaches off at the apartment and then sped down the West Side Highway to the theater. I’d had such a good time over lunch that I was now running about a half-hour late. I called Pierce and asked him to meet me at B. Smith’s after the show.
Pierce was already seated at a booth near the door when I got there and he broke out into a huge grin and waved to get my attention. I was headed toward the booth when I suddenly paused and looked up at the bar. This was where I’d met Raymond. When I looked at the bar I saw attractive couples engaged in lively conversation enjoying the evening. Everything looked the same. The bartender was dressed in a white formal shirt with black bow tie. Ladies were sitting on bar stools as their men stood and gazed lovingly into their eyes, some with cigarettes in their hands and others with cocktail and wine glasses. I wondered what they were talking about. Were they married couples, just dating, or meeting for the first time? I suddenly longed for those times years ago, when Candance was alive and we were both so in love.
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