Just As I Am

by E. Lynn Harris

  The feeling of superiority was not exclusive to “masculine” black gay men. For years, my light skin and green eyes gave me a certain edge in the black community. My education separated me even further. Black Ivy Leaguers were compared to those with degrees from schools of less prestige. I chose Alabama over Alabama State or Morehouse because of my misplaced perception that the white school was better. I knew black Ivy League law school graduates who turned up their noses at students who received their law degrees from schools like Howard and Texas Southern.

  I thought if I ever could create a perfect world, I would want everyone to be equal. A world where the only rule would be respect, respect for each individual to live life the way he or she saw fit. A world where the only hate was directed toward hate. Remove the world’s isms, and the ills would soon take leave. People would be judged as individuals and not in groups. Groups caused fears.

  The mere fact that God created different types of people, like drag queens, made their lives just as important as mine. Their pain, though different, was still pain. Now the black gay community was facing another separation … those with HIV and AIDS and those free of both.

  As I watched the movie, I began to feel the pain this separatism caused. I was moved by the struggle the characters faced daily simply because they were different. The truth was, we were all different. Different right down to our DNA. I thought of the Scripture that stated we are all equal in the sight of Christ. How I wished we lived by that. I guess any change starts with oneself and I made a promise to myself, that day, watching a film I didn’t want to see, that I would never ever again think I was better than anyone.

  I was on my second cup of hot coffee and eating a piece of Oreo cheesecake, which was serving as breakfast in my hotel suite. Reading the sports pages of the New York Times, I saw a picture of Basil and the announcement of the All-Pro football team. I guess he was having the season he dreamed of. The picture in the paper made me think back to the summer and the sex. Before I became lost in memories, I grabbed my phone book, quickly found Basil’s number, and dialed it.

  “Hello,” Basil said after only one ring.

  “I guess congratulations are in order,” I said.

  “Is this who I think it is?” Basil asked.

  “Yeah, it’s me. I guess you thought I’d never call,” I said.

  “I’ve called you a couple of times but I didn’t leave a message,” Basil said. “So how is Atlanta?”

  “I wouldn’t know. Haven’t been there for months,” I said.

  “What, you moved? Where are you living now?”

  “New York City.”

  “No shit, Sherlock,” Basil said. “So you’re following me,” Basil said with his familiar cockiness.

  “Not even,” I retorted.

  “So when will I get the chance to see you?”

  “I don’t know. You’re the big superstar, Mr. All-Pro,” I said.

  “I told you I was going to make it,” Basil boasted, “So, did you see many of my games on television?”

  “Every one of them. So how many yards did you end up with?”

  “Over one thousand, eleven hundred thirty-three; second in the league.”

  “That’s great, Basil,” I said. “I’m really happy for you.”

  “Are you really?”

  “Of course I am.”

  “So you’re not mad at me?”

  “Do you care?”

  “Of course I care.”

  “No, not anymore.”

  Basil and I agreed to meet that evening. I didn’t tell him why I was in New York and he didn’t apologize for the night in the closet. Right after I hung up the phone it rang and Jared was on the other end.

  “I found him,” Jared said.

  “You found Kyle’s father?”

  “Yes. He’s in Tallahassee, Florida. That’s the good news,” Jared said.

  “So what’s the catch?”

  “He doesn’t sound that excited about seeing Kyle and especially not Kyle’s mother.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “I wish I were, Ray. I even offered to pay for the ticket. He said he would call me back later this afternoon, but from my conversation with him I don’t expect much,” Jared said.

  “Motherfuck!” I said as I hit my fist against the telephone stand. “I don’t believe this shit.”

  “Well, I can give you the number and you can give it a try,” Jared offered.

  “Okay. Give it to me. Do you have Kyle’s number?”

  “Yes. If I hear anything I’ll call you there.”

  Jared advised me to wait until later that afternoon before making the call to Kyle’s father. And we both agreed it didn’t make any sense to tell Kyle until we were certain we could deliver.

  After I hung up with Jared I called Kyle to let him know I was on my way up.

  “Is there anything you need?” I asked.

  “Stop and get a video please, Ray,” Kyle said.

  “So what’s the feature film today?” I asked.

  “See if they have Dark Victory with Bette Davis,” Kyle said. “If they don’t have that get The Women.”

  “Is that it?”

  “Oh yeah, please stop at the drugstore on the corner and pick up my prescriptions,” Kyle said.

  “Got it. I’ll see you in about an hour.”

  Although it was cold I decided to walk to the video store near Lincoln Center. It was so cold you could see your breath in front of you even if your mouth was closed. The winter air carried the familiar scents and sounds of the season. Christmas music and the smell of Christmas trees filled the air and wreaths were on every corner. I hadn’t bought a single gift or informed my parents I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. Having missed Thanksgiving and the family reunion, I knew this news was not going to sit well with my folks and they were curious about what I wanted to talk about with them.

  I got the film Kyle had requested and picked up Daughters of the Dust for the afternoon feature. I also picked up Stephanie Mills’s Christmas CD to help get Kyle and me in the holiday mood.

  The second week in December we’d had a scare when Kyle’s doctor put him in the hospital for a couple of days to run some additional tests and to give him something to protect him from some other diseases, like pneumonia. I’d spent the night walking up and down the ammonia-scented halls; everything was sterile, fluorescent, and clean. Kyle didn’t like hospitals and neither did I, so I was really happy when his doctor released him after the two-night stay. Nicole called but she didn’t come to the hospital, which I understood since it was the same hospital Candance died in.

  I left the record store and walked up to the Seventy-second Street subway station. Before heading down into the station, I looked at the busy shops along Seventy-second Street and thought about the Nickel Bar, where Kyle and I had met. I started to walk up the street to where the bar had been to pay homage to the Nickel but I knew Kyle was waiting and decided to do it later. I caught the express train and was at the Ninety-sixth Street stop before I could get settled into a seat. I got Kyle’s prescriptions and headed upstairs to the apartment.

  The smell of soul food and the strains of Smokey Robinson’s “Baby, Baby Don’t Cry” greeted me. I caught Peaches slow dancing with the broom in the living room like she was in a massive ballroom in full gown.

  “Hey, Peaches. You in the Christmas spirit yet?”

  “Hey, baby. I’m getting there,” she said as she stopped her waltz.

  “What you cooking?”

  “Greens and neckbones and sweet potato casserole.”

  “Neckbones smelled like hamhocks to me,” I said.

  “You like hamhocks, baby? Why didn’t you tell me? I’ll cook you some tomorrow,” Peaches said.

  “Great! How is he doing?” I asked as I gave Peaches a kiss on her forehead.

  She grabbed me by the waist and whispered, “He’s in sort of a strange mood. Delaney and Jody are in there with him.”

  I walked int
o Kyle’s room and Delaney and a petite woman were in the bed with Kyle looking at magazines. The three of them were laughing. It was the most exhilarating laughter I’d heard in his room in a long time.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked as the three of them looked up from the magazines.

  “Ray. You bring the movies?” Kyle asked. I didn’t answer Kyle but instead held the videos in full view.

  “Hello, Raymond,” Delaney said. “This is my friend, Jody Brown.”

  “Hi, Raymond, nice to meet you,” Jody said as she lifted herself from the bed and extended her small hand.

  “Hi, Delaney. Nice meeting you, Jody. How long you here for?”

  “I’m leaving Christmas Eve,” she said.

  “Where are you from?”

  “San Diego,” she said.

  “Is it snowing outside?” Kyle asked.

  “Naw,” I said.

  “Well, we better go and let you get some rest,” Delaney said as she searched for her shoes under the bed.

  “Don’t rush on my account,” I said.

  “No, Jody and I are meeting Nicole for lunch,” Delaney said.

  “Tell her I said hello,” I said.

  “I will,” Delaney said as she leaned over and kissed Kyle on the forehead.

  “Nice meeting you, Ray. Kyle, I’ll see you before I leave,” Jody said as she kissed Kyle on the cheek.

  Delaney and Jody said good-bye to me as they put on their jackets and headed out of the bedroom. I could hear them talking to Peaches in the living room.

  “I didn’t mean to run your company off,” I said to Kyle.

  “You didn’t run them off. They were getting ready to leave anyway,” Kyle said.

  “I don’t think Delaney likes me,” I said.

  “Oh, she’s just scoping you out. I think she likes you. She has a lot on her mind, though. You remember what I told you about that guy who attacked her?” Kyle said.

  “Oh yeah. Whatever became of that?”

  “Nothing,” Kyle said.

  Suddenly an odd look crossed Kyle’s face and he called out Delaney’s name. A few seconds later Delaney walked back into Kyle’s bedroom.

  “Did you call me?” Delaney asked.

  “Yes, darling. Come here and sit down,” Kyle said as he patted a spot on his bed close to him. Delaney complied.

  “I’ve been doing some thinking. We really need to take care of that asshole,” Kyle said.

  “What asshole?” Delaney asked.

  “The motherfucker who ate your pussy without your permission, chile. Don’t play dumb.”

  “Kyle, please. You’re embarrassing me,” Delaney protested.

  “Well, you know Ray knows. You know I tell him everything,” Kyle said. A passive look rested on Delaney’s face.

  “Delaney, there is no reason to be embarrassed,” I offered.

  “Yes, that’s right. But you can’t ignore it, darling. I was thinking maybe Ray can help you out since he does have a lot of free time. It will get him out of my hair for a while,” Kyle said.

  “Help. How?”

  “Sue the motherfucker. Since you won’t go to the police.”

  “I still think we should report it,” I said.

  “But it’s been so long. They won’t believe me. Besides, what about my career?” Delaney asked.

  “Delaney, if he thinks he can do it to you and get away with it he’ll do it again. Let’s get him where it’s bound to hurt. In his wallet,” I said.

  “You think we can do that?”

  “What you told Nicole and Kyle happened, right?”

  “Yes, Raymond, it happened. Almost like it was yesterday,” Delaney said.

  “Then let’s do something about it. I will give you a call a little later. We’ll go over your statement. I’ll also talk to my boss and maybe she has some connections to the management at his record label,” I said.

  “See, baby, it’s going to be fine,” Kyle said.

  “You think so?” Delaney asked.

  “Yes,” Kyle assured.

  “First thing you need to do is file the police report,” I told her.

  “Okay. What else?”

  “Were there any witnesses?”

  “Not to my knowledge. But I saw a janitor when I walked out. I also called 9-1-1 but I left before they sent someone,” Delaney said.

  “That may be more help than you think. Write down any details you remember. But first go and file the report,” I said.

  “I will. Thank you, Raymond. Thanks, Kyle,” Delaney said as she leaned over and kissed Kyle on the lips.

  “Well, don’t thank me yet. Let’s just see what we can do,” I said.

  For the first time Delaney gave me a warm, sincere smile as she left the room.

  “Thanks, Ray,” Kyle said.

  “For what? I want to help. Maybe this will make up for my defense of you-know-who,” I said.

  “Yes, I think it would,” Kyle said.

  “Look what I got,” I said, removing the Stephanie Mills CD from the bag.

  “Oh, look at Miss Stephanie’s haircut. I like it,” Kyle said. “I heard she does a fierce version of Donny Hathaway’s ‘This Christmas.’ ”

  “Yeah, I heard it on the radio. It does kick,” I said as I examined the back of the disc.

  Kyle suddenly whispered and motioned for me to come closer to him.

  “Are they still out there?” he mouthed.

  “Who?”

  “Delaney and Jody,” Kyle whispered.

  “I think I heard the door shut. Why are we whispering?”

  “I think Delaney and Jody are family,” Kyle said.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “You dumb motherfucker. I think they’re bumping pussies,” Kyle said.

  “You mean they’re dykes?”

  Kyle nodded his head with a big smile.

  “Naw. They are beautiful. As Kirby would say, dope. They couldn’t be lesbians,” I said.

  “So pretty women can’t be gay?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Whatever, whatever. I’m almost certain. I think Delaney has been trying to tell me for months. You should see the two of them. There’s a serious sexual thing going on,” Kyle said.

  “No shit. Does Nicole know?”

  “Not hardly. You know I love Miss Thingamajig to death, but she is so dense when it comes to shit like that,” Kyle said.

  “Ain’t that just the shit. I never would have guessed Delaney was gay. So I see you can’t always tell about women either,” I said.

  I wondered how Nicole would react if she knew Delaney was gay. That is, if she was, in fact, gay. I knew Kyle had a tendency to think everybody was gay to some extent, but that was usually with men. He used to kid Janelle all the time about being lesbian.

  I was also checking my own reaction to Kyle’s news. First, his use of the word dyke and my thinking that because Delaney was so beautiful, she couldn’t possibly be gay. If I followed my thinking to its conclusion, I guess all lesbians had to look like diesel truck drivers. There again went life’s stereotypes.

  I don’t know why Kyle wanted to see a sad movie. I had never seen Dark Victory and this certainly wasn’t the time. I’d had a similar reaction when we watched the movie Beaches. Kyle teased me by saying they were only movies and they were supposed to make you sad. When I realized where the movie was going, I jumped off the bed and went into the kitchen to talk with Peaches. I told her about Jared finding Kyle’s father. She rolled her eyes and shook her head in disgust.

  “You don’t like him just a little bit?” I teased.

  “Low-down motherfucker. J. D. Benton ain’t shit. Ain’t never been, won’t ever be,” Peaches said. “What you wanna bet he don’t show up?”

  Just as I was getting ready to answer, Kyle called out from the bedroom. “Ray, I’m lonely,” he yelled. “Come put in this Daughters video.”

  I looked at Peaches, gave her a grimace, and went into the bedroom. I popped in t
he film and got in the bed with Kyle. I figured I could handle this one. Right before it started, Kyle looked at me and asked, “Do you want my fuck films?”

  “What?”

  “My boy movies. They are in the closet in a shoe box. I’ve collected some good ones. All with black, big-dick men,” Kyle said. “Oh and I forgot, my magazine collection too. They will help you on those lonely nights in Atlanta.”

  “What do you want me to do with them?”

  “You can keep them or burn them. I just don’t want Peaches to see them. She’s liberal but she might faint if she sees them.” Kyle laughed out loud at the thought of Peaches viewing his porn collection. “Now don’t forget all your assignments.” Kyle said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t act so stupid, child,” Kyle said. “When it’s over call Dr. Brooks first. Make sure the porn collection is gone. Now I’m telling you Peaches is going to want to do this funeral, but you’ve got to stand firm and have me cremated right away,” Kyle said in an even tone.

  “Kyle, why are we talking about this? You’re getting better. You might outlive us all,” I said.

  “Not with thirty-two T cells, baby,” Kyle said as if he were giving his LSAT score.

  “Kyle. What happened to all the boys you used to date?”

  “You know trade. I found a perfect way to get rid of them once I got tired of them,” Kyle said.

  “How?”

  “I just loaned them money. It got rid of them every time.”

  Kyle and I were silent as we enjoyed Daughters of the Dust. Just as the film was finishing its rewind, the phone rang. Peaches called from the kitchen to say it was for me.