Just As I Am

by E. Lynn Harris

  I left the room and stepped out to the hallway when Raymond began talking about the first time he’d met Kyle and how much he learned from Kyle about living in New York City. I didn’t come back into the room until I heard a female voice talking. I didn’t think I could handle seeing the pain on Raymond’s face.

  A couple of days after the party, Raymond showed up at my house with two huge boxes. He said Kyle made him promise he would make sure I got them. I opened the boxes and broke into tears when I saw two beautiful completed wedding dresses. Raymond put his arms around me and held me tightly until the tears stopped.

  Raymond was still maintaining his strong and confident manner. Not once did I see him cry or anything remotely resembling a tear in his eyes. I did notice that every time I was around him he had a drink in his hand. When I asked him if I could help him pack up Kyle’s apartment he assured me he had everything under control. A few days after Christmas he rented a van and took Peaches’ and Kyle’s belongings to New Jersey. He promised to keep in touch.

  The new year was showing signs of promise. Raymond had moved from the hotel and had told me he was house-sitting at a friend’s place in Jersey City. He said he just couldn’t bring himself to stay in his old apartment. When I’d offered to let him stay at my place, he’d politely declined, though he’d promised to stay New Year’s Eve. I told him my sofa was a sleeper.

  When Raymond came back to New York on New Year’s Eve, he called me the minute he got in. He’d got Peaches settled but said he was worried about her drinking. I convinced him to go to the New Year’s Watch Service with me and we came back to my apartment afterward. On the carpet-covered floor of my apartment, we sat cross-legged and drank a bottle of champagne and talked. It was during our talk that I realized the pain Kyle’s death was causing him. His green eyes went from misty to angry within moments as he talked about Kyle’s last days.

  “You are okay, Raymond?”

  “If you mean, am I still HIV negative then the answer is yes. I’m not certain I’m all right.”

  “You’ll be just fine,” I assured Raymond.

  “How did you handle it, Nicole?”

  “Handle it?”

  “Candance’s death. I mean, how do you deal with losing your best friend.”

  “I prayed a lot. I cried, and I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told anyone.”

  A puzzled look crossed Raymond’s face.

  “I got professional help,” I said.

  “Professional help?”

  “Yes, Raymond. I’ve been seeing a therapist for over three years and believe me it has helped a great deal.”

  Raymond looked at me thoughtfully, but didn’t respond to my confession.

  I wanted to ask him about his life in Atlanta and his friend Jared, but the late hour and the champagne was taking its toll.

  I was going to offer him my bed and I was going to sleep on the couch, but we started talking again and I felt relaxed with him so close by. He came into my bedroom displaying his muscular body, naked to the waist and wearing only boxer shorts below. I didn’t remember him wearing boxer underwear. When he got into bed he pulled me close to him and I didn’t resist. The feel of his body, his scent, was familiar and comforting. During a time when I should have been comforting him, Raymond was protecting me. We slept that night with our bodies glued together. Not a sexual glue, but a close, tender embrace. This was the type of night we both, needed.

  The next morning I made a big breakfast of toast, grits, and eggs, but Raymond just picked at his food. I was certain he had lost weight since Kyle’s death. He said he had a few more things to take care of and then he was heading back to Atlanta. He thanked me for the previous evening and said, “Nicole, you know I will always love you. I hope one day very soon you find a man who deserves you.” He then gave me a sweet, simple kiss. “I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” he said.

  “More beautiful than you’ll ever know,” I said.

  “Thank you for everything,” Raymond said.

  “Raymond, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, Nicole, sure.”

  “Why do you think you’re gay or bisexual?”

  Raymond pursed his lips together and looked around the small kitchen. He began tapping his fingers in a cadence on the kitchen counter. “I don’t really know the answer to that. All I know is it feels right for me. A part of me. It’s just who I am. Do you understand?”

  “I’m trying.”

  “Well, you know what goes on inside your head when it comes to sex or being attracted to someone. Even if that someone isn’t right for you?”

  “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying or asking,” I said.

  “All I can say is my sexuality is something that I didn’t choose. I don’t control the signals it sends me. What I can control is acting on those signals. Sometimes being alive and the person Christ wanted me to be means acting on those signals. Is that a little better?”

  “I think so. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m glad you asked. I wish I could explain it better. There are times when I wish there was a way we could really look inside each other’s hearts and minds. I think then and only then could we understand another person’s dilemmas and pain.”

  “I think I understand what you’re saying.”

  When Raymond left New York City I began to feel very lonely. The emptiness in my life was immense. Dr. Huntley was on vacation out of the country so I turned to prayer, silent and private prayer. Delaney was busy with an industrial show and was talking about moving to San Diego. When I asked her why, she said she was getting burned out with New York City and its problems. She had finally filed a police report and Raymond was assisting her in a lawsuit against the bastard. Delaney said she felt a great deal of relief when Papa Kee was arrested. Raymond was also able to determine that a janitor had witnessed the whole incident and told me that it was likely the guy would have to do some time and still have to pay for Delaney’s pain and suffering. Delaney mentioned using the money to open a dance school near a housing project in San Diego. I suggested she open a school in New York and she said Dance Theater of Harlem more than fit the needs here. She also mentioned Jody hated New York.

  I didn’t know a lot about Jody. She seemed nice, but I was so busy with Jelly’s and To Tell the Truth that I didn’t get the chance to spend a lot of time with her. I must admit I was getting a tad bit jealous of all the time she and Delaney were spending together.

  I decided with the new year that I was going to take control of my career and only pursue the recording opportunities. I gave my two-week notice to Jelly’s and was almost certain I wouldn’t sign a contract with Truth. The script and music were horrible. They were still doing rewrites but I didn’t think anything was going to save this brewing fiasco. They were talking about not trying the show out of town and just opening on Broadway, which in most cases always spelled trouble. One evening after rehearsal, I went to JR’s for drinks with Timothy and found out he was feeling the same way I was about the play. He said, “This musical is so bad it will probably close after the first song.”

  In the midst of caring for Kyle and going back and forth between two shows, I had lost track of what was happening in my home state. But Governor Clinton had won the presidency and I received a call from the inaugural committee asking me to perform at one of the balls. The member of the committee who called was a big fan of mine from my Miss Arkansas days and promised to give me a prime spot with a lot of national coverage. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. And since I had missed Christmas with my mother I figured this would be a good time to bring her East. I was going to have her meet me in Washington, D.C., and then we’d take the train back to Manhattan together. I was really excited when she accepted. This solved two problems. I wouldn’t have to worry about an escort and it would give my mother and me a chance to spend some time together.

  I had just finished my final set at the Arkansas Bal
l in Washington, D.C.’s beautiful Convention Center. It was a wonderful experience. The President came to the ball and the crowd was warm and receptive to my singing. It was a moment I will never forget. It was a great night to be an Arkansan. The most powerful man in the free world was from my small home state. All the major networks covered the event and I was interviewed by C-SPAN. Several Hollywood types came up to me between sets, gave me cards, and asked me to give them a call. I knew the men might just be flirting but I took each card and made mental notes to myself as to my gut impression of the validity of their offers. I mean, I had to be realistic, I was out of work.

  I wore an ivory gown drenched in bugle beads Kyle had made a couple of years back. I dedicated “If I Could” to Kyle; it took all I had to finish the song without crying. Kyle and I first heard the song when we went to the Essence Awards and Regina Belle sang it in a tribute to Nancy Wilson. I went out the next day and bought the sheet music.

  I was on my way outside to find the limo driver the committee had provided when I heard someone call my name. The voice was deep and melodic.

  “Nicole?”

  I turned and I was face to face with Jared, Raymond’s friend from Atlanta.

  “Jared, right?”

  “Yes. How are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m fine. You’re not from Arkansas, are you?” I asked.

  “No, but I worked on the campaign and I saw in one of the programs that you were performing here,” he said with a bright smile.

  “Is Raymond here? I invited him,” I said.

  “No. I tried to talk him into coming but he’s still having a tough time,” Jared said.

  “I know he is, though he won’t admit it,” I said.

  “You’re a wonderful singer. I stayed for both sets,” he said.

  “You did?”

  “Yes. This is the place to be and when I heard you sing I realized why.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  “Where are you going after this?”

  “I’m heading to my hotel,” I said. “I was looking for my driver.”

  “What hotel are you staying at?” Jared asked.

  “The Four Seasons in Georgetown, and you?”

  “The Omni in Georgetown,” he said.

  I wondered why he was interested in where I was staying.

  “Well, it’s nice seeing you, Jared. Please give Ray my best,” I said as I started to exit the packed Convention Center.

  “Nicole,” Jared said.

  “Yes.”

  “Could I interest you in a late dinner or some coffee?”

  “Dinner?”

  “Yes, unless you have some other plans,” he said shyly.

  I hesitated briefly. I didn’t have plans except to go back to my hotel and read. My mother had canceled her trip because her arthritis had flared up and she didn’t feel up to flying. I’d tried to talk Delaney into coming with me, but she was still in rehearsal for the industrial. Jared was looking quite handsome in his black tux.

  “Sure, Jared, I’d like to get something to eat,” I said.

  “Great!” he smiled.

  “What’s your last name?” I asked.

  “It’s Stovall,” he said.

  “Oh, Jared Stovall.”

  “No, Jared Taylor Stovall,” he beamed.

  “So where to?”

  “Do you want to go to the hotel and change? I mean you look great but I do have a car,” he said.

  “Oh, sure, that would be nice. Let me tell my driver.”

  After locating my driver, I followed Jared to the front of the center where he gave the valet a ticket. Moments later we were driving through the crowded city. The city was swimming in moonlight on this cold January night. White cotton clouds filled the darkened sky. Jared appeared a bit nervous as he slipped into the busy traffic entering Georgetown.

  We talked about how excited we both were at the prospects of a Clinton presidency. Jared told me about his interest in politics and some funny stories from the campaign. Our conversation moved briefly to Kyle with Jared telling me how glad he was that he got to meet Kyle before he died. He then said he was trying to keep close tabs on Ray since his return to Atlanta. Jared appeared warm and sensitive.

  Jared suggested one of the several restaurants close to my hotel. I changed into a black sweater dress and put on my leather coat and boots. A warm sweatsuit would have been nice, but I didn’t know what type of restaurant we were going to. Jared parked his car at the hotel and we walked to the restaurant.

  Georgetown had a carnival-type atmosphere with street vendors and people everywhere. Car horns were blowing in impatience and celebration. Everybody spoke to one another as they passed on the cobblestone streets. After an hour’s wait, Jared and I settled into a booth in the packed restaurant. Jared ordered Mexican coffee and chicken wings. I liked the way he took control.

  The restaurant had a small-town flavor even though it wasn’t small. It was an old Victorian-type house, with excess atmosphere. A very romantic mood presided over the restaurant from the decorations to the many couples staring into each other’s eyes. There were fresh flowers on every table and in every booth with framed poster art and celebrity pictures on the walls. Beautiful mahogany bookshelves lined with leatherbound books completed the decor.

  “So how long have you and Ray been friends?”

  “Almost four years,” he said. “But let’s talk about you.”

  “Me?” I wondered why he was interested in me.

  “Yes. You know I’m going to tell you something that’s going to shock you,” Jared said.

  What was he going to tell me … that he was gay? I already knew that.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’ve been a secret admirer of yours since you won Miss Morehouse. You lived in Height Hall and you’re an AKA,” he said.

  “How do you know all that? Did Ray tell you?”

  “No. Did you forget I went to Morris Brown?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry I forgot.”

  “No problem. I always thought that you were one of the most beautiful women on the yard,” he said.

  “You’re sweet to say that,” I said. “Why didn’t you ever say something to me?”

  “I wasn’t exactly in your social class. I was just a local boy going to college because of work study and a Pell Grant. I even used to bus tables at Spelman’s dining hall. You were always with this other pretty sister.”

  “Oh, that was my best friend, Candance. And what do you mean my social class? If it wasn’t for grants and beauty pageants I never would have had the chance to go to Spelman.”

  “I was pretty surprised to see you when I walked into Kyle’s. I never would have made the connection that you were the Nicole that broke Ray’s heart,” he said.

  “So that’s what he told you?”

  “Well, that’s the impression I got,” he said.

  “So that’s when you came in,” I said.

  “Excuse me?” Jared said with a puzzled look on his face.

  “I mean, is that when you and Ray became lovers?” I said.

  Jared broke out into a loud laughter. He was laughing so hard he almost fell out of the booth. “Ray and I lovers? Nicole, don’t get me wrong, I love Ray to death, but like a brother. We’re not lovers,” he said.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought—” I said, feeling a little bit embarrassed.

  “Oh, that’s fanny. Wait until I tell Ray,” he said.

  “So do you have a lover?” I asked.

  “A lover like in male lover?” Jared asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Nicole, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I’m not gay or bisexual,” Jared said.

  “You’re not?”

  “No. I hope that doesn’t halt our friendship,” he said.

  “Oh no, I’m sorry. I just thought …”

  “No problem.”

  I looked into Jared’s eyes to see if I could detect deception. Why would he lie about his sexuality
? Kyle and Ray taught me you couldn’t always take a man at his word on this or a lot of other things for that matter when it came to dealing with women. But Jared seemed different and he was so nice that I really believed it didn’t matter. The sincerity in his voice was real and I wanted to know more. He shared with me a story about a lady he’d dated while in college and told me how after their breakup he’d concentrated heavily on his career. He said there’d been other women but nothing major.

  As he talked, a delicious warmth filled my body. Jared was very interesting and when he paused and smiled I felt his smile was inviting me into his world. He exuded an aura of strength and confidence. When he talked there was passion in his eyes, along with a boy’s natural softness. He talked about his mother and sisters and how he was renovating an old house in the west end area of Atlanta near the AU center.

  In a lot of ways Jared reminded me of Raymond. Since Candance’s death and my relationship with Raymond, I’d never considered the fact that men could be close friends without it being sexual. It was very clear that Jared cared a great deal about Raymond—it was apparent during the few minutes I met him in New York and in the way in which they talked about each other—but I guess it was ridiculous to think all Raymond’s friends would be gay or to think men couldn’t have relationships similar to the ones women shared.

  Jared and I became so involved in conversation, we didn’t realize how late it was. The restaurant had extended its normal hours and remained open all night. When I stopped looking directly into Jared’s eyes and glanced out the window I saw that morning had come.