Just As I Am

by E. Lynn Harris

  “No, not yet. He told me he had a crush on her when they were in college, but I think Nicole might hurt him and that wouldn’t be good.”

  “How so?”

  “I think Nicole’s into white men and Jared is far from white.”

  “Are you clear on your feelings about Jared?”

  “Yes, I think so. I love him but it isn’t romantic love like I once thought. There is no denying his good looks, sex appeal, but I get so much more from him by just being friends. Like brothers. Besides he’s straight! The envy I have is a good thing.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, it’s not like I begrudge him for being straight. I mean I think at times he wouldn’t mind having my life. At least the part about being raised by both parents and never really having to want for anything. I know things were tough for him growing up. My relationship with my father was not always the best, but he was always there. He gave a lot of tough love but he’s always been there when I needed him.”

  “Do you still try to please your father?”

  “Yes. I guess I always will. I think he deserves that.”

  “Is that why you want to change your feelings about men?”

  “No, because I think if I found the right man, my father would be cool about it. I think … I don’t know … I mean it’s probably how a father feels about his daughter when she becomes sexually active. I mean they know they’re doing it but they don’t want to see it. My father knows that I like men but I don’t think he wants to see me being affectionate with a man in his presence. I think it’s okay as long as I don’t throw it in his face.”

  “Is that okay with you?”

  “Yes. I mean I owe him that.”

  “What about your mother?”

  “You know I’m ashamed to say I’ve never really thought about how she feels. She always been very supportive of me, no matter what. My mother is pretty soft-spoken and she pretty much goes along with Pops.”

  “What do you owe yourself?”

  I didn’t answer. Instead I looked at my watch, got up, and left the room.

  “Why do you feel guilty about Kyle?”

  “Well, I wasn’t there at the end. I was over in Jersey City hugged up with Basil. I didn’t get to say good-bye.”

  “Think about all you did for him.”

  “He would have done the same for me.”

  “What else could you have done?”

  “I don’t know. I keep looking for him to show up. To call.”

  “Why?”

  “I want to say good-bye.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “Sometimes I get angry at him.”

  “Angry. Why?”

  “For not fighting harder. For giving up.”

  “Do you think he didn’t fight?”

  “At times.”

  “Is that the only reason?”

  “When he was living, I’d get angry at him for falling into the trap.”

  “The trap?”

  “Yes. The endless circle of looking for love and affection in all the wrong places with the wrong people.”

  “I’m not sure I understand you.”

  “Well, Kyle, like a lot of gay men, probably equated good sex with love and acceptance.”

  “Have you ever done that?”

  “Sure.”

  “When?”

  “With Basil. There are times when I’m with him I feel better about myself.”

  “How so?”

  “Maybe because as a professional football player he epitomizes manhood. At least in the eyes of many.”

  “In your eyes too?”

  “At times, but I know his secrets. In a way I know him better than he knows himself.”

  “Did I tell you about the empty bottle?”

  “The empty bottle?”

  I got up from the sofa and gently separated the mini-blinds. I saw office buildings across the parking lot. It looked like it was going to be a sunny day. Maybe if I told her it might ease the guilt.

  “Raymond. What empty bottle?” Dr. Paul asked, interrupting my thoughts.

  “When I was cleaning up Kyle’s apartment I found an empty bottle of medication.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it was the bottle I had picked up for him the day before he died. I looked at the date to be certain. It was all gone. I knew there had to be at least fifty pills in that bottle.”

  “Do you think Kyle killed himself?”

  “No!” I screamed.

  “Why?”

  “He would have told me.”

  “Would you have supported that decision?”

  “I don’t know. He never complained about pain but I know he was hurting. I would have talked him out of it. I mean that would have prevented him from going to heaven. With suicide you can’t ask for forgiveness. Kyle deserves to be in heaven,” I said softly.

  “Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell you. There could also be other explanations.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know but maybe Kyle poured out the medication or maybe his mother did. You did say she helped you clean up his things.”

  “Yeah … Yeah. I never thought about that. Maybe Peaches poured it out.”

  “Have you asked her?”

  “I haven’t talked to her since the end of January. I’m feeling stronger now. Maybe I can talk to her now.”

  “Are you still sleeping with the light on?”

  “Yes.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you afraid of Kyle?”

  “No!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Why would I be afraid of Kyle?”

  “Maybe because you think you let him down.”

  “You think I let him down?”

  “Have you cried yet, Raymond?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  Thirty-four

  “I’m just so afraid to fall in love again.”

  “Why, Nicole?”

  “I just don’t think I could stand the thought of losing someone else important in my life.”

  “So you’re going to spend the rest of your life avoiding involvement?”

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  “Nicole, this guy Jared does sound different. I mean I was only around him for a few minutes but from what you tell me,” Delaney said.

  “He is different. But I’m just not certain he doesn’t have homosexual feelings that he hasn’t acknowledged.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, for one thing he and Raymond are close. So close as a matter of fact that the only way I know how Ray’s doing is from my conversations with Jared.”

  “Do you think he’s honest?”

  “Yes.”

  “Have you asked him if he’s gay or bisexual?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “He said he was certain he’s heterosexual.”

  “I rest my case,” Delaney said.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I’m glad Raymond and Jared are so close.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yes. Men can have relationships like us. Right?”

  “Yes, Miss Girl.”

  “But you know I think I’m scared because I believe in what goes around comes around. And you know how I hurt Pierce.”

  “So what does that mean?”

  “It means it’s my time to get hurt.”

  “Nicole, one day you and Pierce might become friends. From what you’ve told me both of you had a lot of shit going on. I think you hurt each other.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “So go for Jared,” Delaney suggested.

  “But Jared lives in Atlanta,” I said.

  “And? Isn’t LaFace Records down there?”

  “Yes, but I can do most of my recording up here. I’m not going to sacrifice my career for a man.”

  “Then why are we talking about this?”

  “Come on, girl
. You’re supposed to help me.”

  “How do you feel about Raymond and what does he think about you and Jared dating?”

  “I don’t think he knows. He knows we met in D.C. But I don’t think he’s aware we talk every day. But Raymond and I are cool. We love each other but we realize it will never work.”

  “You’re not interested in Jared because he reminds you of Raymond, are you?”

  “No. Granted they are a lot alike but they’re different too. Jared came up the hard way like I did. He didn’t have things handed to him on a silver platter. He’s devoted to his mother and sisters.”

  “Don’t you think that will create a problem?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know how black mothers are about their sons. They can be a real mess,” Delaney said.

  “Jared said his mother is looking forward to meeting me.”

  “I hope he’s right. Are you sexually attracted to him?”

  “Yes, girl, oh yes, girl. When I’m around him I feel a strong sexual desire. But he’s always respectful of me.”

  “Well, you know what Kyle would say. Test drive it before you buy,” Delaney laughed.

  “What if this is the one? Maybe I should wait until I’m married.”

  “Well, he knows you’re not a virgin, doesn’t he, Black Kathie Lee Gifford?”

  “Stop teasing me.”

  “He isn’t a virgin, is he?”

  “No, child, I don’t think so. Let’s stop talking about me. What about you? When are you going to find a man?”

  “Who said I was looking for one?”

  “You want to get married and have children, don’t you?”

  “I want children. I don’t know about the husband.”

  “So what about San Diego?”

  “Well, I’m going out there at the end of March to check out a space Jody found for the school.”

  “Does she like me?”

  “Who?”

  “Jody.”

  “Why do you ask that?”

  “I don’t know. I just got a funny feeling she didn’t like me. I was so preoccupied with Kyle and all I didn’t get to talk to you about it. In a way, she reminds me of JJ and she didn’t like me at first either.”

  “Well, I’m not that big a fan of Janelle’s myself,” Delaney said.

  “Why?”

  “Because she didn’t come up and see Kyle until it was too late. I think that really must have hurt him.”

  “You know how some people are around death. I guess I’m getting used to it,” I defended.

  “That’s no excuse. Kyle was her friend. Then again, I don’t know her at all. But back to your question. Jody never gave me any indication she didn’t like you. Stop tripping, girl.”

  “I’m not. You know I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist.”

  “A therapist. For what?”

  “Well, just about what we’ve been talking about. I don’t want to lose a chance at happiness but I couldn’t stand to make a fool of myself again. I really feel confused.”

  “Nicole, you don’t need a therapist. I’ll be your therapist. Between me and Miss Jesus you should be covered,” Delaney said.

  “Why don’t you like Shelia?”

  “It’s not that I don’t like her. It’s just her holier-than-thou attitude that’s gets me. If she doesn’t like gay people then she better not go to heaven.”

  “I don’t think she doesn’t like gay people. She’s just trying to live by the Word.”

  “So Jesus Christ doesn’t like gay people?”

  “No, you know that’s not what I’m saying. People just interpret the Bible differently,” I said.

  “Yes, a Bible that was written by men. Well, I think it’s more than different. It’s wrong.”

  “Delaney, I’ve got a confession,” I blurted out.

  “A confession? What, girl?”

  “Well, you know what I said about seeing a therapist?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I’ve been seeing a doctor up in Harlem ever since Candance died.”

  “No kidding. I’m sorry I made a joke before. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was ashamed. You’re only the second person I’ve told. You know how people are about things like that. My mother and Shelia would suggest that praying would solve everything and at times it does. But I needed additional help.”

  “Did it help?”

  “It’s still helping.”

  “So you’re still going?”

  “Yes.”

  “Nicole, if it’s helping you to deal with some of your issues then I think it’s great. I hope I didn’t do anything that made you feel uncomfortable telling me,” Delaney said.

  “No, you didn’t. It was just one of those secrets I was keeping to myself. Besides you’ve had your own share of problems.”

  “I’m glad you shared this with me, Nicole. There are times when I’ve thought about it.”

  “You have?”

  “Yes.”

  “So how are you doing?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Even though that jerk got off so easy?”

  “Oh, he didn’t get off that easy. His career is over and my checking account is full,” Delaney laughed.

  “You know sometimes you remind me of Kyle.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “How you guys cover up pain with laughter.”

  “You got a better suggestion?”

  “Did you ever really deal with the anger of being violated like that?”

  “I deal with it every day.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes, Nicole, I do.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “About what?”

  “How do you deal with it?”

  “When it first happened, I thought about it every second, then minute. As days passed my thoughts about it became less frequent. Like now I think about it once a month. In time it will be less than that.”

  “Well, you know I’m here for you and Dr. Huntley is great. So let me know if you want to see her or if you want me to get a recommendation from her.”

  “I know and I will.”

  “Can I get a hug?”

  “Sure, girl,” Delaney said as she pulled me close to her and softly kissed my forehead.

  Dr. Huntley was back!

  “I guess my admission to Delaney means I’m starting to feel better about myself.”

  “I never felt you were ashamed of getting help through a difficult period in your life. A lot of people do, Nicole,” Dr. Huntley said.

  “But not a lot of black people,” I protested.

  “Who do you think make up the majority of my patients?”

  “Black people?”

  “Yes, black people,” Dr. Huntley said as she put the top back on her pen.

  A late February snow surprised the city. The busy streets were washed by the melting snow and the air smelled cool and fresh. I was leaving an audition for some background singing when I bumped into an old friend of mine. Dyanna Watson and I had met on several auditions. We shared a casual friendship similar to what I had with some of my castmates. She was now living in California where she was doing a soap opera.

  “Nicole,” Dyanna said, “it’s great seeing you.”

  “You too, girl,” I said as I hugged her or rather hugged her beautiful black mink coat.

  “I heard you left Jelly’s,” Dyanna said.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why, girl? That’s a great show. I would kill to be in it,” she said.

  “Well, I still may do the national tour. I wanted to spend more time on my recording career. Are you trying to move back here?”

  “Yes, chile. I’m getting married,” she said as she held out her hand adorned with a beautiful diamond ring.

  “Who’s the lucky man?”

  “Basil Henderson. He plays for the New Jersey Warriors,” she said proudly.

  “Is that football or ba
sketball?”

  “Football, honey,” Dyanna said.

  “When’s the big day?”

  “In June sometime, though we might elope.”

  “That’s wonderful!”

  “I heard you were engaged.”

  “Oh, that’s over,” I said.

  “I’m sorry,” Dyanna said.

  “Oh, don’t be sorry. It was the right thing to do,” I said.

  “Nicole, give me your address. If we have a big wedding, I want to make sure I invite you.”

  “Oh here, I have a card with all the information. Are you auditioning for the jingle?”

  “Oh no, chile. I’m not that good of a singer. You know I’m a dancer who sings. I do white Broadway folks singing. That’s why I’d never make it in Jelly’s,” she said.

  “I don’t know. You know we have the Hunnies,” I said.

  “Yes, child, but those divas can sing too,” she said.

  “Well, it’s great seeing you, Dyanna. Let’s get together sometime. I’d love to meet your fiancé.”

  “Yes, that would be nice. Call me.”

  It seemed as though everybody I knew was getting married if they weren’t already. Not only my New York friends but also my Spelman sisters and the white girls I grew up with in Arkansas. I saw a lot of them in Washington, D.C., and they all acted so surprised to find that I wasn’t married. I told them I was married to my career.

  “It wasn’t really love. Not that kind of love. But it was something I thought I wanted and needed.”

  “And how did he feel?”

  “I think he loved me but I think we both overlooked some very major issues.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The religion and the fact we both had some racist views we were afraid to acknowledge until they reared their ugly heads. Maybe both of us were living fantasies,” I said.

  “What about Raymond?”

  “What about him?”

  “Did you love him?”

  “Jared, I’ve told you I loved him. I still love Raymond, but as a friend,” I said.

  “You’re not upset are you?”

  “No. I just thought we’d gotten all that cleared up. How is he doing anyway?”

  “Much better. He’s still handling Kyle’s estate and he’s talking about going back to work,” Jared said.

  “I’m happy to hear that.”

  “So when am I going to see you?”

  “Well, planes are still running between Atlanta and New York,” I joked.

  “Don’t say that. I’ll be on the next plane,” Jared said.