“Well, I don’t sleep with women anymore, so I guess you would classify me as gay.”
“So when did you know?” I asked.
“Know what?”
“That you were gay?”
“You want to know the truth?”
“Yes, the truth would be nice.”
“When I first saw you,” Trent said softly. “The first time I saw Raymond Winston Tyler, Jr., at a rush party, Friday, October 1. That’s when I knew for certain.”
“Good answer,” I said, managing to keep a thin smile instead of a broad grin. “Very good answer, Trent.”
I completed my business with Chicago Mass in three days. I got them to agree to pay 50 percent of the policy. In a way they were right, Kyle did know of his condition when he took out the policy, but he lived two days past the time period the policy required. I established a good rapport with the lawyer from Chicago Mass and she and I were able to reach a compromise. I was anxious to get the foundation started—to help the people Kyle wanted to assist.
Although I finished in a short period of time, I stayed in Chicago for an additional week. I was having a wonderful time with Trent. He was an exceptional host, even getting tickets to sold-out shows and concerts. One night we stayed in and watched a taped replay of the Sugar Bowl with our beloved Alabama football team beating Miami, Basil’s alma mater. I was happy with the fact that Trent seemed to enjoy sports as much as I did. Who else besides me would have a taped collection of college football games and the U.S. Open tennis championships as prized possessions?
I had moved out of the hotel the morning after Trent’s confession and moved into his condo. We didn’t have sex the entire week but I felt as if I had. Sleeping with Trent’s body so close to mine every night filled me with a delectable warmth. We both agreed to wait until we knew what was going on before engaging in sex. Neither one of us wanted meaningless sex no matter how passionate. I told Trent I wanted to make love and not just fuck. Trent looked at me, formed a deliberate smile, and said, “Don’t worry, I don’t fuck for fucking sake. Our lovemaking will be stupendous!”
Trent took off every day at noon while I was in Chicago and we spent the afternoons walking down Michigan Avenue absorbed in conversation. I wasn’t surprised by how much we had in common. A couple of evenings we bundled up and walked along Lake Michigan, stopping to stare at the glowing neon of the city.
During one of these walks I learned how deeply religious Trent was and I promised to take him to First Birth when he visited Atlanta. He said he became comfortable with his sexuality after years of praying for Christ to take it away. “I became comfortable with myself when I understood God knew and understood that everybody else was secondary.”
I told him how I prayed a similar prayer many times and how I felt deserted when my prayers went unanswered.
Trent wasn’t out at work but he said when people tried to set him up he always declined. He also told me everybody important to him knew, with the exception of his son. “I’ll tell him the moment I’m certain he will understand.” I shared with Trent the reason for my recent visit home and he said he was proud of me. That it was a great start toward self-acceptance.
The week I was with Trent I felt nervous, excited, and exhilarated all at the same time. Trent seemed anxious to please and our days were filled with laughter, serious talks, and a lot of hugging and kissing. With Trent I felt I could say anything, that I was talking with somebody who understood and who had known me for a great deal of my adult life. So many times, I thought, we look for love in all the wrong places.
I talked a lot about Kyle, Jared, and Nicole. He said he was looking forward to meeting the two of them and wished he had known Kyle. I didn’t mention Basil directly or with any special significance.
Trent told me about a couple of brief affairs he had been involved in, including one while he was in the Marines. During one of our early morning confessions we learned both our first sexual experiences with a man had been with the same person, Kelvin Ellis. At first I was a bit put off, but since they were only together a couple of times after I left for Columbia, I cooled out. It wasn’t Trent’s fault, and Kelvin and I weren’t lovers at the time. Trent and I agreed to always be honest with our feelings no matter what the situation.
“We won’t agree on everything, Raymond; if we did, one of us would be unnecessary,” Trent said.
When it was time to leave, Trent and I both became sad. Trent promised to come to Atlanta the very next weekend and we promised to call each other every day. I tried to dissuade Trent from taking me to the airport but he insisted, saying, “After all the years of wanting to be close to you, I’m not going to waste another minute.”
“I can’t believe you never said anything before now, Trent. If not when we were in college, then at the reunion. Look at all the time we’ve missed,” I said during the ride to the airport.
“The timing was never right. That is until now,” he smiled.
In a time when my life had locked up and shut down, Trent Carlton Walters had secretly owned the key for more than a decade.
“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“Do you think it won’t?”
“I don’t know. I’m excited and yet I’m very scared.”
“That’s normal. Does it bother you that Trent’s a man?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, would you be feeling these apprehensions if it was a woman?”
“I think so. It would be the same with any relationship. I don’t want to hurt Trent. He says he’s already in love with me. I can’t handle being hurt again myself.”
“And how do you feel about him?”
“Well, I care about him. I could even fall in love with him. But there is Basil.”
“You haven’t talked about him in a while.”
“Yes, I know, but he’s been calling since I got back. I’m going to see him later this week. A part of me feels that with Basil it’s just sex and I have made up my mind that I’m not going to deal with him once he’s married.”
“Oh. Why wait until he’s married?”
“Good point. But can I do that?”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know.… Did I tell you what Trent said?”
“About?”
“Well, we’re both virgins in a certain way,” I laughed. “Neither one of us has given up the booty—but he’s willing to try for me.”
“Why is that funny?”
“Well, I don’t know if he expects the same thing from me.”
“Will that be a problem?”
“Might be. From what I can tell Trent does not have a starter-kit dick. If you get my drift.”
Dr. Paul tried to prevent a smile.
“Is that just a barrier you’re putting up, Raymond?”
“No, I’m serious.”
“Is Basil going to be a barrier?”
“He could be. He has spoiled me sexually. But I know I’d never allow myself to fall in love with him.”
“Why?”
“Trouble with a big T.”
Dr. Paul placed her pen over her thin lips and lowered her eyes.
“Nicole is in town. She’s working on a demo. I think she’s in love with Jared.”
“How does he feel about her?”
“Oh, he’s long gone. Come to find out he had a crush on Nicole when he was engaged to that other girl. I think it’s interesting Nicole and I both had secret admirers in college we knew nothing about.”
“Interesting,” Dr. Paul repeated.
“Yes. Nicole and I had lunch the other day. She wants me to talk Basil into telling Dyanna the truth,” I said as I stood up to stretch and peek out of Dr. Paul’s window.
“How do you feel about that?”
“About what?”
“Basil and Dyanna.”
“I told Nicole I would talk to him, but I don’t hold much hope that it’s going to do any good.”
“Why?”
“Basil’s pretty set in his ways. He’s all about the cover. He once said to me the best way to camouflage your sexuality was to play professional sports. You’ve got to admit there is more affection and butt patting on the football fields and locker rooms than in many married bedrooms in America.”
Dr. Paul let out a quick laugh and then quickly regained her composure. She was in a great mood today. It was one of the first times I ever recalled her showing so much of herself.
“So you must agree with me.”
Dr. Paul didn’t respond. She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her mouth. When she pulled it out I suddenly smelled a familiar perfume.
“So is my time up, Doc?”
“You have a few more minutes.”
“Well, I’m going to see how I feel after Trent’s visit. I mean he really thinks we can make it if we are honest with each other. I told him I was still attracted to women. As a matter of fact, Sherrod called me the other day to invite me to dinner.”
“Are you going?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Well, I think I might enjoy her company. I want to prove to myself I can be attracted to a person no matter what their physical wrapping looks like.”
“Person or woman?”
“Both.”
“Is Trent attractive?”
“I don’t know if most people would call him attractive. He is in a basic sorta way. A soft masculine handsome. Not as good-looking as Basil. He’s kinda like Jared. He wears Ivy League-type glasses and he just had braces removed about a year ago. But he has a nice body, especially his butt, and we’ve already talked about the dick. Dick—I can’t believe I’m using that word in here. I think Sherrod is attractive in her own way too. I love the way she carries herself. I love her spirit.”
“Does it bother you that Trent isn’t as handsome as Basil?”
“No, it’s a bonus. It allows me to take the emphasis off physical attributes. But I did learn something from my relationships with Nicole and Sela.” I paused and looked at Dr. Paul, who was putting down her legal pad.
“That being?”
“If you love someone deeply, the truth gets in the way of fantasies.”
“Explain?”
“Well, I’d always dreamed of getting married and having two kids. A boy and girl. I remember when Kirby was born and how my mother would allow me to hold him. I loved it. I couldn’t wait to get married and have my own kids. I almost talked my first girlfriend Sela into marrying me right after high school.”
“High school?”
“Yes. We had sex for the first time on the night of my senior prom. A couple of weeks later Sela was convinced she was pregnant. So I told her we should get married.”
“Was she pregnant?”
“No, but I think all girls worry about that after their first time.”
“So it wasn’t your first time?”
“Fuck no. I’d been boning since ninth grade,” I said with a broad smile.
“What’s that smile about, Raymond?”
“I told Sela it was my first time.”
Thirty-eight
“More Than Friends. That’s a great name, Jared.”
“Yeah, boy. That’s a great name, More Than Friends,” Raymond said.
“Glad to be of service,” Jared said.
“I’ll get started on the incorporation papers right away,” Raymond said as he put his black leather folder in his briefcase. “So we all agree on the organization?”
“It sounds good to me,” I said.
“I’m cool,” Jared said.
“Nicole, you let Delaney know what we’ve decided. I’ll get in contact with Janelle,” Raymond said.
“I can do that.”
“Well, I’ve got to run. I’ve got a meeting in Stone Mountain,” Jared said as he scooted out of the booth next to me. “Will you make sure Nicole gets back to the house, Ray?”
“Sure, no problem,” Raymond said.
“You sure I can leave you two alone?” Jared joked. At least I thought he was joking.
“I don’t know. Raymond’s looking really good in that blue suit,” I said.
“Come on, you guys, stop teasing,” Raymond said.
“How does spaghetti sound, babe?” Jared asked, looking at me with that twinkle in his eyes. He was looking quite handsome himself in a khaki-colored suit and ocean-blue shirt.
“That sounds great. I’ll make a salad,” I said as I gave Jared a quick kiss on the lips.
“Okay, I’ll see you guys later,” he said as he hurried out of the midtown Atlanta restaurant.
“Would you like some more coffee?” Raymond asked.
“Sure.”
Raymond motioned the waiter by holding up his coffee cup in my direction.
I sat at the booth facing Raymond, slowly twirling my empty coffee cup. This was the first time we had been alone since Jared and I began seriously dating. We’d talked on the phone several times but this was the first time we were alone.
The three of us had gotten together to discuss the formation of Kyle’s foundation. Raymond was going to serve as chairman and Jared vice chair. They decided I would be best for treasurer and fund-raising and Delaney would be secretary. We didn’t know how much time Janelle would have to spend with the foundation, so we put her on the Board of Directors.
Raymond had big plans for the More Than Friends Foundation. Ultimately he wanted it to rival the Gay Men’s Health Crisis. Initial plans were to provide support services to minority AIDS patients in the way of gifts, cards, books, and financial help with prescriptions and transportation for family members, but the full scope of what Raymond had in mind would take years.
The waiter refilled my coffee cup and I smiled as Raymond thanked him. “You really look happy, Raymond.”
“I’m doing okay. Life is much better.”
“I’m happy for you,” I said.
“Looks like you and Jared are doing okay.”
“Yes. Jared is really something special. I guess I should thank you again.”
“For what? I didn’t do anything.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have met Jared had it not been for you.”
“Maybe you should thank Kyle for that. Besides, you and Jared would have met eventually.”
“Kyle,” I laughed. “He said he was going to send me someone. At first I thought he was talking about you.”
“Oh you did. Well I think he’s been busy up there,” Raymond said as he lifted his head toward the ceiling of the flower-filled restaurant.
“Yeah, I bet he is.”
“I should thank you,” Raymond said.
“For what?”
“Suggesting I see a doctor. It’s really helping.”
“I’m glad. But we owe each other a lot. Your helping with Delaney.”
“I was glad to do it. I’m pleased things turned out the way they did,” Raymond said.
“Yes, so am I. Thanks again.”
“So is she doing okay? They say scars from something like that can last a lifetime.”
“Delaney’s fine. I’m sure Jody helps a lot.”
“That’s good. How are things going over at LaFace?”
“Aw, okay. The producers I’m working with are still looking for music for the album. But it might be a while since the people in artist development are busy with a new thirteen-year-old singer they are having big problems with.”
“Problems? What—he can’t sing?”
“No, that’s not it, he has a magnificent voice. They’re just giving him a Michael Jackson How to Appear Masculine crash course,” I said.
“Oh, so it’s like that.”
“Did that sound tacky?”
“No, not really. I understand what you’re saying.”
“Ray, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Are you sure Jared isn’t gay or bisexual?”
Raymond looked at me with charmed amusement. “Ha
ve you asked him?”
“I’ve asked every man I’ve dated since you.”
“Nicole, I don’t profess to know everything about Jared Stovall, but there is one thing I do know and that is Jared is not a liar.”
“Thank you, Raymond. Thank you very much.”
I decided to take a long relaxing bath before Jared got home. I took my portable CD player into the bathroom, put in a Winans CD, added a double measure of bath oil to the flowing hot water, turned it off, and then eased into the steaming tub.
This was the second night I stayed at Jared’s large west end house. Jared bought the house in a foreclosure sale and was in the process of remodeling a major part of the house on his own with the help of Ray and myself. I actually helped paint half of a bedroom.
The house was a large four bedroom about ten minutes from the Atlanta University Center. It was sparsely decorated with a distinctly IKEA flavor. Ray and I teased Jared that we were going to give him an interior decorator as a birthday present.
I was enjoying my return to Atlanta and was not really looking forward to getting back to New York, but my agent had scheduled several soap opera auditions and I’d promised Delaney I would help her pack for her move to San Diego.
It was great spending time with Jared in his own environment and being able to see him in mine when he came with me to the studio to listen to tapes of music submitted by several songwriters.
I slid down into the tub, allowing the suds to cover my breasts, leaned back, and closed my eyes to daydream when I heard Jared’s voice.
“Nicole? You in there?”
“Yes, sir. Don’t come in here,” I yelled.
“I promise not to look.” Jared giggled.
“Jared!”
“How long are you gonna be? Should I start the spaghetti?”
“Give me ten more minutes. I’ve already finished the salad and don’t you touch it.”
“Okay, but hurry up, I want to take a shower before dinner.”
I got out of the tub, dried off, put on a light lip gloss, sprayed my face with mineral water, and dabbed a touch of perfume behind my ears and between my breasts. I slipped on a navy blue teddy and put on a Spelman sweatshirt and jeans. Some of Jared’s rooms were still filled with dust and work materials. It was not the type of place you could sit around in an evening gown, but it would soon be.
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