“How ya doing, big boy?” I said as I gave Jared a kiss. As I tried to pull away he pulled me back and our lips blended together in a long, passionate kiss.
“You must have had a great day,” I said as our lips finally parted.
“I always have great days when I know I’m going to see you.”
“Well, get in there and clean that dusty butt. I’m hungry.”
“Five minutes.”
I walked into the huge dining room and saw that Jared had set two place settings at one end of the long table. There were two candlesticks and a light wind blew through the open window. I started to close the windows but the breeze and the sounds of people and birds chirping added a nice ambiance.
As I walked back toward the kitchen to get the salad and wineglasses, I passed the bathroom where Jared had left the door open—he was stepping out of the shower. It was the first time I saw Jared’s body and it was beautiful. I stood quietly and secretly watched Jared towel-dry his muscular frame. I thought how nice it would be to be in his arms holding his nude body and allowing him to hold mine, but we were still holding off with sex. We both wanted to have a solid relationship before we took that step and we were going to have an AIDS test together. I was glad Jared had made the suggestion of the tests.
I waited until Jared moved toward the sink before I crept to the kitchen unnoticed.
“You like what you see?” Jared yelled from the bathroom.
“What are you talking about?”
“Nicole!”
“Oh, I didn’t mean to look.”
“Yeah, right.”
Jared came from his bedroom in a sleeveless black undershirt and tight-fitting blue jeans. We walked toward the table to share a nice quiet dinner and as I prepared to sit, Jared gently pulled my chair out, something he always did. Then he lit the two candles facing the two of us. Music was playing in the background and moonlit shadows bounced through the windows onto the bare walls and the corner of the table.
“So how does it taste?” Jared asked.
“Great. I didn’t know you could cook so well.”
“There are a lot of things I can do well,” Jared said with a sexy smile.
“How’s the salad?”
“Pretty good considering a Spelman, AKA, BAP made it.”
“That’s not nice. I’ve told you ’bout that BAP stuff.”
“You know I’m messing with you. It’s great, baby.”
“So, can you take me to the airport in the morning?”
“Are you sure you’ve got to leave? I miss you already.”
“Yeah, baby, but I’ll see you in Little Rock in a couple of weeks. And if you miss me really badly you can always call Delta Airlines.”
“I’m really excited about the foundation. I’m glad you and Ray asked me to join in.”
“I think it’s going to do a lot of good. It seems to have given Ray a new lease on life.”
“Yeah, that and Trent,” Jared said as he poured more wine into my glass.
“Trent?”
“Yeah, Ray’s friend. At least I think he may be. It’s somebody he’s known since he was a freshman in college. One of his fraternity brothers.”
“So that’s why he’s so happy.”
“Yeah, I think that’s one of the reasons.”
“Jared, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, babe.”
“What did you think when Ray told you he liked men?”
“At first I was a little taken aback but I didn’t let him know. I wanted to be supportive because I could tell he was in a lot of pain about it. But the next morning I knew it would only make our relationship stronger.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because there wouldn’t be any secrets between us. One of the reasons I’m so crazy about Raymond is because I feel I can be myself around him. We talk about things other than women and sports. I never had a relationship like that with another man. I would trust Raymond with my life,” Jared said as he lifted the wineglass to his lips. There was a softness and a sweet, caring look in Jared’s eyes.
“So you don’t feel like you could have that with other men or a woman?”
“Yeah, I guess I could, but they wouldn’t be Raymond. I think most heterosexual men, not all, but most are threatened by gay men because of their own insecurities and in general they don’t realize they can get and learn some valuable things from a relationship with a man that doesn’t involve physical pleasure. Gay men don’t look at all men in a sexual way, just like all men don’t look at every woman sexually. I know I can have that from a woman. My mother and sisters have a lot to do with that. How did you feel about Delaney’s confession?”
“Oh, I was surprised, but it doesn’t bother me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I love Delaney and I know she’s not interested in me.”
“Well, the same thing can be said about my relationship with Raymond. You see, women may be more comfortable with a female friend being gay because society won’t and doesn’t frown at your closeness. For the most part society doesn’t think of relationships between women in sexual terms. Men think women are for their sexual pleasures alone. There may be a lot of men keeping sexual secrets from women, but I’m sure there are just as many women with the same secrets.”
“You make a good point. How did you get so smart?”
“I’m blessed with a smart mother.”
“Your mother is a sweet lady.”
“She thinks the world of you. She keeps asking me when we’re going to get married.”
“Married?”
“Yes. Why the shocked tone?”
“Oh, I didn’t mean to sound shocked. But you know we’ve known each other less than six months.”
“Don’t panic, Nicole. I’m not asking you to marry me. But there is something I should tell you.”
“What?” I asked in a very high-strung tone. There was a jittery silence that seemed to last a millennium.
“Well, I don’t know how strongly you feel about me, but I do know you care and I only have control over how I feel. I have only told one other woman this besides my mother and she didn’t deserve it,” Jared paused and playfully swung at the candlelight.
I didn’t say anything, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts. I looked at him, smiled, and arched my eyebrows in an is that it? movement. Jared took a deep breath and started to tell me how much he cared for me, how beautiful I was, and how he would spend every second with me. I became mesmerized by the rhythm and cadence of his voice. I was so moved that I began to cry.
“I love you, Nicole,” Jared said.
“I don’t deserve somebody like you,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, Jared. You think I’m so beautiful and wonderful but I’m not,” I said softly.
“Why don’t you think you’re beautiful and wonderful?”
“Look at me. Look at my skin color,” I said, looking into Jared’s eyes.
“What about your skin color?”
“I’m so black,” I said for the first time vocalizing on my secret shame.
“Nicole, please. Your skin is beautiful. Don’t tell me you believe I couldn’t love you because of that. It’s beautiful. Please give me more credit than that,” Jared said.
My eyes filled with tears and I felt goose bumps cover my arms. I didn’t say a word as Jared came close to me and accepted my tearful embrace. I felt my body come erotically alive under his touch. He lifted my face to his lips and he kissed me powerfully and passionately for at least thirty minutes. Without a break.
“I can’t believe I’ve been able to keep so much shit in a studio apartment,” Delaney said as she sat on a trunk trying to keep it shut.
“You do have a lot of stuff, girl.”
“Yes, and I’ve got more stuff in storage.”
“So you’re not taking everything?”
“No. You never know when this bitch of a city will call me ba
ck,” Delaney said as she released the barrette from her hair.
“So you sure you want to do this?”
“Do what?”
“Move to San Diego. Are you going to be able to find work?”
“Well, you know about the dance studio and who knows, maybe I’ll try out for the Fly Girls, Lord knows they can use some more black faces. Can you believe there’s only one sistah dancing with those bitches?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Miss Honey.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to be here all alone,” I said as I walked to the window and looked out on Columbus Avenue.
“Well, come on and go with me, Nic—but I don’t think Jared is going to let you stay up here that long.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nicole. That guy is in love with you and I hope you won’t be no fool and let him get away. He’s a good brother and I hope you don’t fuck him around.”
“I’m not going to do that. I just have to be sure.”
“Sure about what?”
“That this is really the one. The real thing.”
“Well, don’t wait too long. Atlanta is filled with pretty women and I don’t think he’s going to wait forever. Have you told your mother?”
“I told her I was bringing somebody home for her to meet.”
“What did she say?”
“I hope he’s not white,” I said.
“Your mother sounds like a pistol. I hope I get the chance to meet her,” Delaney laughed.
“Well, come to Little Rock with me.”
“Little Rock? Naw, honey. You two come to San Diego or Seattle,” Delaney suggested.
“What else do you have to do before you leave?”
“I’ve got to make a few stops to pay some bills. Why?”
“Just asking.”
“So how long do you think you’re gonna stay in New York, Nic.”
“I don’t know. The only calls I’m getting regarding work are calls from temp agencies wanting me to do legal word processing.”
“What about the Jelly’s national tour?”
“I’m still waiting to hear.”
“Don’t worry they will call.”
“I hope you’re right. Do you want to go downstairs and get some Chinese?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Let me brush my hair and try to find my purse in all this mess,” Delaney said as she walked toward her bathroom.
The day was perfect. The incessant sounds of spring filled the air. The sun above was bright and it generated heat that hit my face as we walked out of Delaney’s apartment. I was trying to stay focused on happy times and trying not to think about Delaney’s leaving and the fact that I would once again be without a close female friend in the city.
Delaney was a lot like Kyle when it came to good-byes. She said we shouldn’t think about it. There was always the phone and the planes. It was at times like these when I realized how we can take friendships and people we care about for granted.
Delaney and I were seated on the patio at our favorite Chinese restaurant. We had finished two glasses of plum wine before our food was served. I looked at Delaney as she brushed a wisp of hair back into place with her fingers and pulled chopsticks from their wrapping. I knew this would be one of the last times we would have to talk before she left and the plum wine gave me the kind of courage I had been missing.
“How does it feel?”
“What?”
“Having sex with another woman?”
“Well, it’s not just sex, Nicole. It’s making love and it’s wonderful. It’s just the best,” Delaney said as her face seemed to light up.
“Really?”
“Yes, Nicole. The first time it happened it was the most sensual thing I’d ever experienced. It felt so natural to me.”
“Do you think you’ll ever be with a man?”
“It’s hard to say, but I doubt it. He would have to be a special type of man,” Delaney said as she lifted the chopsticks from the plate to her pink-colored lips.
“What? Good-looking? Great in bed?”
“No. I think he would have to be sensitive and responsive to my needs. I’m not interested in a man on some macho trip who is not concerned about my needs. He has to be in touch with his feminine side. That’s one thing I love about being with a woman. We’re naturally sensitive and we know how to please one another.”
“Do you think all men have a feminine side?”
“Yes, doesn’t Jared?”
“I guess if you call being sensitive a feminine trait.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it, Nicole. Don’t worry.”
“Oh, I’m not worried.”
“Good.”
“Do you think you chose to be gay, Delaney?”
“Let’s just say we chose each other. How long have you been wanting to ask me these questions, Miss Lady?”
“Ever since you told me.”
“I thought so.”
“Do you mind me asking?”
“Nicole, no. Have you ever thought about being with another woman?”
“Darling, no!” I said quickly. Delaney raised her eyebrows as she sipped tea from the tiny white cup.
“That was a quick no, Nicole. It’s not for everybody but it’s not gross or something really bad either.”
“I know, or I should say, I believe you. I love men too much to even consider it. Did I tell you I saw Jared nude. He has a great body.”
“Oh no, Miss Honey, now don’t change the subject. I know you’re not gay or remotely interested in being with a woman. When I first met you I realized you were one of those women who thought any man in his right mind would want to have some of your pussy.”
“What do you mean?”
“Not in an arrogant, diva bitch sort of way. Moreso in a Southern beauty type of way. You were brought up to think little girls belong with little boys. That’s why I think gay and bisexual men are attracted to you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re so feminine, darling. You let a man be a man. You don’t challenge them. Have you ever been satisfied sexually?”
“You mean have I had an orgasm?”
“Yes, but that’s not the whole deal.”
“Well, I did enjoy the one time with Raymond. He’s a master at oral sex. My first boyfriend was okay and Pierce was pretty good.”
“Well, make sure Jared is interested in pleasing you. Don’t be in that I’m a woman and he’s a man type of shit. Take home boy’s head and lead it to the correct place.”
“Delaney.”
“Nicole,” Delaney said, mocking my expression.
“Jared is sensitive. I think if we ever have sex it will be good.”
“Good? Girl, you better want better than good. Now I’m not saying only a woman can take you to the moon. But sex a lot of times is more mental than it is physical and I just am more mentally in tune with women.”
“Oh.”
“Got any more questions, my deep-thinking sistah?”
“Not right now but if I do I’ll write them down and you can mail the answers back to me,” I laughed.
“So should I send pictures or draw diagrams?” Delaney smiled.
“I don’t think so. That won’t be necessary.”
Thirty-nine
“You’ve got to be kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. Why won’t you be in my wedding?”
“Basil, first of all I don’t think you should be getting married and I wouldn’t feel right standing there right before God and Dyanna knowing what I know. Besides, with all your teammates you shouldn’t have any problems finding men to be in your wedding.”
“I know that, but Dyanna has nine bridesmaids and she really likes you. Come on, Ray, do it for me.”
“Basil, I’m not unmoved by your plight. I simply can’t accommodate it.”
“Why are you being such an asshole?”
“Why I got to be an asshole? I’ve been meaning to
talk to you about this wedding anyway,” I said as I came from the kitchen and sat on a bar stool next to Basil.
“What about it?”
“Are you really in love with Dyanna? Do you understand we can’t be fuck buddies once you get married?”
“Fuck buddies? So that’s what we are?” Basil asked.
“You want me to be honest? Yes, that’s the way I see it. We’re sexually attracted to each other but I don’t think we’re friends. I’m looking for something more.”
“Like what?”
“Somebody to spend time with, Basil. Someone to talk to when I need a friend.”
“I thought we were friends. Why don’t you find a lady like Dyanna?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re still attracted to females, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but I’m also about telling the truth.”
“I got a question for you.”
“What?”
“What does a man with a twelve-inch cock drink?” Basil smiled.
Without thinking I asked, “What?”
“I drink Rolling Rocks. You got another one?”
“Yes, asshole, but this has to be the last one. I’ve got to pick somebody up from the airport,” I said as I laughed and walked back into the kitchen.
“Who are you picking up?”
“A friend.”
“What type of friend?”
“Mind your own business, Basil,” I said as I gave him another beer.
“So that’s why you’re trying to get rid of me. You found some other nigger,” Basil said as he unzipped the jacket of his green and purple warm-up suit. When he did this I no longer needed to imagine his exemplary body.
“Tell me why you’re getting married.”
“Well, I love Dyanna,” Basil said as he took a swig of beer.
“Are you sure?”
“Why can’t I be sure?”
“Well, I’m just picturing you in some of the positions we’ve been in,” I said with a sly smile.
“Fuck you, motherfucker. I better not ever hear anything about that shit,” Basil said.
“I ain’t gonna tell nobody. But a friend of mine knows Dyanna. She also knows you’re bisexual. She wants me to talk you out of it before she tells Dyanna.”
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