“Is there a Raymond Winston Tyler, Jr., in the house?” she asked.
I glanced at Trent and he had a cat-who-ate-the-canary grin on his face.
I nodded my head toward the singer and she came over and sat on my lap and began to sing “Happy Birthday” to me, encouraging the other patrons to join in as the waiters brought out a huge birthday cake. I was totally surprised. I had forgotten that it was my birthday. I looked at Trent and smiled.
I came out of the shower and walked into the room and saw Trent’s half nude body gleaming in the soft evening light as he stood by the open window. Music from the portable radio saturated the room.
“So were you surprised?” Trent asked as he kissed me gently.
“Yes, babe, I was surprised.”
“You’re welcome. Come here,” Trent said.
“Where?”
“Here,” Trent said as he opened his arms.
I walked toward Trent and into his arms. His body smelled of scented hotel soap. Tiny beads of sweat covered his chest.
“I want you to do something with me,” Trent said.
“Do something?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Slow-dance with me.”
“Slow-dance?”
“Yes, slow-dance,” Trent said with a smile.
He switched the tiny knob on the radio until the room was filled with Stevie Wonder’s “You and I.” We looked at each other and smiled. We held each other tightly and began to sway against each other with Stevie’s voice dictating our moves. It was such a special feeling. An indescribable tenderness. We pressed our noses against each other’s and then broke out in laughter.
“What are you thinking about?”
“If they could only see us now,” Trent laughed.
“Who?”
“The brothers of KAΩ.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Ray, were you serious about us moving here?”
“Yeah. If we still feel the same way a year from now, I don’t see why not. You think you can find work up here?”
“If I can’t, I’ll start my own firm. Besides I’m going to be busy building our house. Remember? Like in the movies?”
“Oh yeah. I could probably still work with Gilliam and open up a Northwest branch and I could always teach. Plus I have More Than Friends work.”
“Oh, I brought some plans for Kyle’s hospice that we talked about. That’s a part of your surprise.”
“Let’s look at them in the morning. I’m tired. I must have jet lag.”
“Lie down. Let me give you a massage and roll some tension off you,” Trent said.
“Oh the old massage trick. Now, Trent, I thought you’d be more creative than that,” I laughed.
“Come on, boy, lie down.”
I lay on the bed and Trent started to deeply massage my shoulders, arms, and even my fingers. Minutes later I felt his tongue kiss the back of my neck and I turned over and kissed his lips. It was then I realized my sex was fall and vertical.
Trent gazed at it and gently touched the top of it and looked at me and smiled.
“Trent. I’m sorry. We said we were going to wait.”
“Ray. It doesn’t matter if we do it now or a year from now. We’re going to do it and it will be tremendous,” he beamed.
I lay back on the king-size bed loaded with goose-down pillows as Trent started to kiss my entire body. Starting with my lips he went slowly and it appeared he was memorizing every part of me. When he finished, he pulled his taut nude body alongside mine and I held him firmly in my arms. It was as if we had always known each other. It was so right, so perfect. Trent looked into my eyes and said, “Raymond, tell me a story.”
“A story? What type of story?”
“Make one up. Make it up just for me,” Trent smiled.
“Any particulars?”
“Just a happy ending,” he said.
This was an unconventional request but I didn’t fret. If Trent wanted a story then I would give him a story.
“Once upon a time in a place called Perfect …”
Minutes later I looked down and Trent was sleeping like a baby, quietly snoring but still sleeping like a baby. I pulled his body closer to mine and clicked off the nearby lamp. Even though the room was pitch black I felt as though I was falling asleep under the sun.
Forty-two
New York was cold. An immaculate snow carpet covered the majority of the sidewalks. But after six months in freezer-cold Chicago, New York and all its people brought a warmth to my heart. I was happy to be back if just for a few days.
I was only a few blocks from Dr. Huntley’s office. I decided to take the subway because I didn’t trust New York cabbies in weather like this. I didn’t trust them in normal weather either. I had returned to New York after a successful run of Jelly’s in Chicago. So much had happened in six months. I would need my full fifty minutes with Dr. Huntley. She greeted me after only one ring.
“Nicole, come on in. It’s great seeing you,” Dr. Huntley said with her warm smile.
“Dr. Huntley it’s great seeing you. It’s been a long time,” I said.
“Come on in. Let me take your coat.”
Dr. Huntley took my coat and slipped it into a closet door behind her desk. I had never noticed the door in all the years I’d been seeing her. It’s amazing the things you notice when your life is in order.
“Would you like some hot tea? It’s cold out there.”
“Sure, I’d love some. But this weather is warm compared to Chicago.”
Dr. Huntley walked over to a small buffet area and poured two cups of tea.
“Chicago. I love that city. Tell me about the tour,” she said as she looked in the cabinet.
“Oh, it was great. A wonderful experience. But I’m ready to let Jelly’s go and face some new roles.”
“So you’ve already got something lined up?” Dr. Huntley asked as she placed some hot tea on the small table directly in front of me.
“Yes, my most important role,” I smiled as I sipped some of the sweet-tasting tea.
Dr. Huntley’s thick eyebrows arched in a quizzical fashion.
“My role as a wife. Have you forgotten? I’m getting married in about six months.”
“Oh no. You sound excited.”
“Oh, I am Dr. Huntley. But I’m kinda sad too.”
“Sad? Why?”
“Well, I’m sorry to say this might be my last visit with you. I think I’m ready to face the real world alone. I mean with Jared.”
“Well, Nicole, that’s what therapy is about. One day you no longer need it. I’m happy for you.”
“So where do I start?”
“Start?”
“Yes, so much has happened. Well, first the bad news. Jared’s not perfect,” I laughed.
“He’s not?”
“No, he leaves a trail of clothes everywhere. Underwear and all. I think his mother and sisters spoiled him. But besides that he’s perfect.”
“So things are going great.”
“Yes. We both have a lot of frequent-flyer miles between Chicago and Atlanta.”
“So you’ve set a date?”
“June 26. In Little Rock at the Old State House. I’m so happy I could just cry.”
“Well, it shows on your face.”
I played briefly with the yarn on a pillow from Dr. Huntley’s sofa. I was thinking about seeing Jared in a couple of days. The thought made me smile. I told Dr. Huntley about my plans to go to Atlanta and spend some time with Jared and then go to Little Rock to start final wedding plans.
“How are things with you and your mother?” Dr. Huntley asked.
“Well, things are better. They’re not great but we’re getting there. She loves Jared and I think she’s happy for me. But there still is an underlying friction on certain things.”
“Certain things?”
“Yes. I tried to explain to her how I felt insecure about my skin color and how she contributed
to that during my childhood.”
“What did she say?”
“She listened. But I just don’t think she got it. My mother is one of those ladies who thinks our generation complains too much. That we want everything perfect.”
“Do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Want everything perfect.”
“Yes, I think I do. Did I tell you about my brother?”
“You mentioned something in our last session. How is he doing?”
“Much better. Mom and I sent him to rehab. He’s back in Arkansas living with relatives.”
“So did your mother and you agree on that?”
“Yes, we did. In a way caring for my brother brought us closer together.”
“So you’re happy?”
“I want to be happy. Totally happy. I’m closer to that than I’ve ever been.”
“Is Jared the reason?”
“Just one of the reasons. A major one though.”
“So you’re not going to see a doctor in Atlanta?”
“No, I made it through six months in Chicago with prayer and just feeling stronger about things. I talked it over with Jared and he supports whatever decision I make. He was very understanding about me waiting to tell him about you and our sessions.”
“So he didn’t have any problems with it?”
“None whatsoever.”
“You’ve come a long way since your first visit, Nicole. I’m quite proud of you,” Dr. Huntley said.
“Yes I have. I have my days. Like it’s only a couple of weeks before it’s a year.”
“A year?”
“Yes, a year since Kyle died. I’m sure I’ll be sad on that date. But Ray and all of us are getting together.”
“What are you going to do?”
“We’re getting together for a dinner party and just celebrating Kyle’s life. To be supportive of each other.”
“That sounds like fun. So you and Raymond are still close?”
“Yes. I saw a lot of him and Trent in Chicago.”
“Trent?”
“Yes, that’s Raymond’s lover. He’s a wonderful guy and he and Raymond seem so happy. I learned a lot from them.”
“How so?”
“Well, I’m still learning. But being around Trent and Raymond, I was able to see a different kind of love. Two men deeply in love with each other. A relationship based on love and respect. The same thing Jared and I have.”
“So you’re more understanding of gay relationships?”
“Yes. I’ve got some great teachers. I’m going to spend a week with Delaney and Jody in March. So I’ll be learning even more.”
“Are you looking forward to that?”
“Yes. I’m excited about seeing Delaney and getting to know Jody better.”
“Is Jared going with you?”
“I don’t think so. He’s going to Seattle with Raymond. Did I mention Raymond and Trent are thinking about moving there at the end of the summer. After the wedding.”
“So Jared and Raymond are still close?”
“Yes, extremely.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“Yes. There is a lot of love between the two of them. A different kind of love.”
“Different?”
“Yes, different from Trent and Ray’s love. But it’s important to the both of them and I love seeing them together. It reminds me of Candance and myself.”
“You have made a lot of progress, Nicole.”
“Yes, I have. Did I tell you Ray’s going to be the best man in the wedding?”
“No.”
“Yes. I’m very happy about that. We joked about a month ago that we always figured we’d be together on my wedding day. Never in a million years like this. You know life is wonderful and funny,” I said.
“Funny?”
“Yes, funny. I laugh when I think of my daddy, Kyle, and Candance up in heaven looking down and just getting a kick out of the chain of events.”
“You think they’re happy?”
“I know they are. I just want to do them proud.”
“And what about yourself?”
“I’m proud. I’m in love and my life is really just beginning.”
“Is your religion still important to you?”
“Oh yes. But I have everything in perspective. In a lot of ways it’s better.”
“How so?”
“Well, it’s actually something my mother said.”
“What did she say?”
“She said when you go to church, you go there for Christ. You don’t look to the minister or members for that. You look behind the pulpit for Christ. It’s a personal internal thing.”
“You look very content, Nicole.”
“I am. I just keep remembering what Kyle said to me one of the last times I saw him.”
“Refresh my memory.”
“God only gets mad at us when we come down here and pretend to be something we’re not. That really pisses Him off.”
“Nicole. You’re laughing but I think I see tears.”
“You do. But the tears are tears of joy.”
“Why?”
“I’m finally living a life that wouldn’t piss God or His newest angel off. I’m listening to my heart again.”
Session’s over.
About the Author
E. Lynn Harris is a former computer sales executive with IBM and a graduate of the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville. He is the author of Invisible Life, Just As I Am, and the New York Times bestsellers And This Too Shall Pass, If This World Were Mine, Abide With Me, and Not a Day Goes By. In 1996, Just As I Am was awarded the Novel of the Year prize by the Blackboard African-American Bestsellers, Inc. If This World Were Mine was nominated for the 1997 NAACP Image Award and won the James Baldwin Award for Literary Excellence. Abide With Me was nominated for the 1999 NAACP Image Award. Harris is on the board of the Hurston Wright Foundation. He is also the recipient of the 1998 Sprague-Todes Literary Award, presented by the Chicago Gerber-Hart Library. Harris’s column “For All I Know,” debuted in the Advocate in 1998. He divides his time between Chicago and New York, where he is working on his memoirs. Mr. Harris remains an avid U of A Razorback fan of all sports!
New from E. Lynn Harris summer 2002
A LOVE OF MY OWN
A NOVEL OF
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ISBN 0-385-49270-7
Available July 9, 2002, wherever books are sold.
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DOUBLEDAY
Just As I Am Page 41