“You mean everything to me, Kels,” he whispers. “Even when I brought you here the first time, you meant everything to me.”
I remember him rolling me onto my back, the scent of autumn wrapping around us, the sound of the willow branches swaying in the wind.
“I love you so much,” he whispers between our kisses.
“Me, too,” I whisper back as my arms wrap around his neck.
“Let me make love to you,” Riley mumbles.
And I can still feel the trail of fire that his kisses spread down my neck and across my collarbone.
My fingers trace the small indention where his head used to lie. My mind envisions him here with me, but my eyes see nothing but empty space. The days are hard, but getting better because I can keep my mind preoccupied. But at night, that’s when the loneliness creeps back in, full force, and I’m left with a deep, aching pain that I know will not go away until Riley is by my side again.
I lay there for hours, visualizing a future with him. Deep down, I know we both want the same things. I see Riley, propped up against the headboard of the bed, with me lying by his side, both of us silently watching the sunrise. Then there’s a moment where the cries of a hungry baby rouse us from some much-needed slumber. I can see me getting out of bed to tend to his needs and Riley right there by my side. Then the vision changes and I picture Riley and our son in the yard playing catch, me in the kitchen, watching them with a smile on my face, and a little girl with pigtails, sitting on the counter beside me, learning to make a cake for the first time. The images alone cause me to laugh, and I realize that I don’t want them to be daydreams or something my mind has conjured. I want it to be reality.
The faint sound of ringing pulls me from my thoughts. I turn on my side to reach for my phone. I launch to a sitting position and quickly swipe the icon. The familiar face that I love so much appears on my screen, and I can’t get my thoughts out fast enough.
“I want to marry you. When you get home, I want to work on creating a family with you. I want us to grow old together,” I rush out, needing him to hear what I have to say in case he never gets the chance.
“About time you came to your senses.” He laughs and I can’t help but laugh with him. My mood completely shifts from somber to relieved. “We’ll work on the second item on your to-do list as soon as I get home.”
“I mean it, Riley. You’re it. I’ve known it since you walked into the diner and watched me make a fool of myself.”
“You’re it for me, too,” he says with a pleased smile on his face, as if he finally got me to admit to something that I was too afraid to admit him or myself for that matter.
“Are you okay?” I ask. My voice is just above a whisper. “I was so worried about you. And then when I didn’t hear from you last night, I thought…” My eyes drop from the screen and internally I beg myself not to cry. I replay Candace’s words over and over in my mind. Riley needs to know you can handle this.
“I’m fine. Hey, look at me?” he asks softly. I do as he asks and I’m met with sympathetic eyes on the other end of my screen. “I’m sorry you had to find out what it’s really like over here. Sometimes things like what happened yesterday will happen. There will be times that I can’t call you. Especially when things like that happen. They put us in blackout mode where we can’t contact anyone.”
“How am I supposed to know you’re okay then?” I ask.
“Look at it like this. If you don’t get a call from my mom or dad crying hysterically, then I’m just fine. Since they’re my next of kin, they are the ones who will be contacted should anything happen to me.”
I scowl at him through the camera. “I wish I would have known that sooner. I’ve been a little freaked out over here,” I bite out. I shouldn’t be irritated with him about this news, but I am.
“And that’s my fault and I’m sorry. I should have told you, but now you know. Sometimes, if we go into blackout mode, depending on the severity of the situation, we can’t call home for a while. It can range from a few hours to a week. It’s hard to tell, but I don’t want you to freak out over me. I know what I’m doing over here. Trust me.” His last words come out as a plea and it pulls at my heartstrings.
“I do. I will,” I promise him.
We spend I don’t know how long just talking and laughing. It feels so good to listen to his voice and revel in his laughter. We talk way into the night and no matter how tired I feel, I just can’t seem to pull my eyes away from him. Riley tells me about the small village he’s helping out in, and how they delivered a truckload of donated books for the kids. He shows me pictures that he’s taken of the mountains and the landscape as he flew above them. And for now, as far away as we are from each other, I feel the like he’s right here with me.
I tilt my head from one side to the other, stretching. As I catch a glimpse of my phone over on Riley’s pillow, my lips lift up in a smile. Since he’s deployed, I feel better than I have in a while. I stayed up as late as I could, talking to him. He argued with me to get off the phone because we both needed to go to sleep, but I argued back that I was fine. Eventually, listening to the sound of his voice lulled me into blissful dreams and I fell asleep. In a way, I think he knew I needed that from him.
Riley and I have never had a problem on the physical spectrum of our relationship. But now that that aspect is absent due to separation, it seems like our emotional connection is growing, too. I grab my phone off his pillow and see that it’s dead. After plugging it in to charge, I hop in the shower. I have no idea what I’m going to do today, but I do know I’m going to take Riley’s advice, and everyone else’s for that matter, and have some fun.
Dressed in a pair of tan capris and a gunmetal green shirt, I slide my feet into a pair of flip-flops and throw my hair into a ponytail. I grab a towel and head off downstairs. As I dig my keys out of my purse, my phone starts ringing. Not realizing the I forgot it on the charger, I rush back upstairs to answer it. Lana’s name flashes on caller id and it causes my stomach to drop after what Riley said last night. I force every horrible image away and do what I said I would do: trust him.
“Hey,” I answer cheerfully. “How are you?”
I haven’t spoken to Lana much since Riley left. It’s just been too hard, but today is a new day, and I feel resolve setting in. I am tougher than this. Riley loves how strong a woman I am and I won’t let him down. Just because I feel lost without him doesn’t mean I have to lose myself in the process.
“Hey, dear. I’m fine, and you?” Her southern drawl I love so much bleeds through the phone and I’m sure she’s smiling.
“I’m fine.” Ironically enough, after my conversation with Riley last night, I am. I make my way downstairs, retrieve my purse, and head out to my car. Backing out of the driveway, I drive to the one place I know will make me happy. The beach.
My breaths come out in short pants as she replies, “That’s good. Anyway, I was calling because I was wondering what your plans were for Christmas. I know it’s only three days away, and I feel awful for calling on such short notice.” She sounds nervous for bringing up Christmas, and I’m not sure why.
I laugh, cutting off her rambling. “You’re fine. No worries. I don’t have any plans, to be honest. I was just going to stay home and watch movies.”
“Ahh… yes. That son of mine did tell me that you finally moved into the house.” She says this like she’s on team Riley, just waiting for me to move in.
“Yeah, I did.” I smile.
“Are you doing all right? I know you’re used to living with Jen, but now you’re by yourself and I just worry about you is all.” Her tone is gentle and earnest.
The concern in her voice brings a smile to my lips. I know it sounds twisted, but I’ve never had a mother who cared about me. But I have one in Lana, so it makes me happy when she’s worried about me.
“I’m doing okay. I don’t mind living on my own. I think surrounding myself with all of Riley’s things is the hardest part. Everyw
here I look, he’s there in some way, but it’s okay.” I pick at a loose string on my steering wheel cover as I stop at a stoplight.
“Well, it’ll get easier once you’re completely unpacked. Put some of your own unique touches in it. Then the house won’t seem like just his house, but y’all’s home.” There is this lightness in her tone. It’s like she’s been waiting for Riley’s bachelor pad to turn into a home filled with memories.
I nod even though she can’t see me. It never occurred to me that I’m still really looking at the house as just Riley’s. I know it’s ours, but I haven’t put any of my pictures up on the bookshelves next to his. None of my clothes are mixed in with his in the closet. The only place where I have any personal touch is the bathroom, and that’s only because of his cologne in the medicine cabinet. He left no other toiletries behind.
The light turns green and I go. “Thank you for that, really. And you’re right. I’m not completely unpacked yet.”
“So, Christmas? Ron and I can’t stand the thought of you being alone for the holidays. Is Jen going to be there?” She’s all business now, her voice full of authority, and I can tell that she really doesn’t want me to be alone for the holidays.
“No. She’s going home to visit her family. I was invited,” I shrug even though I know she can’t see me, “but I kind of just want to be alone.”
“Well, since there are only three days left, would you mind if Ron and I come down? You’re family now, Kelsey, and you should spend the holidays with family,” she says matter of fact.
Family. This one word makes a world of a difference. Even after the bullshit Todd pulled at the benefit, Lana and Ron still accept me, and I love them even more for it.
“I’d love for the two of you to come down.”
“Great,” Lana squeals into the phone. “I’ll let Ron know to book a hotel.”
“Wait. What? Why would you get a hotel?” I ask, my tone laced with confusion.
I pull in by the pier on Tybee Island Beach, and in no time, find a parking space. For a moment, I sit there after shutting the car off to finish my conversation with Lana.
“Because, dear, you said you wanted to be alone. This is our way of being close and not crowding you at the same time.”
I scoff into the phone. “That’s not necessary. Please, stay with me at the house. I really do want y’all there.”
“Are you sure?” She asks, uncertain.
Lana’s skeptical and I can understand her point. She wants to respect my boundaries, and I’m probably throwing her off kilter by telling her I want to be alone, but then insisting they stay at the house and not a hotel.
“Of course.”
“Hmm… we won’t be there until probably around nine or ten tomorrow night. I hope that’s okay. Ron has some morning meetings, but we’ll leave as soon as he gets home.” And I can hear her smile into the phone.
“No worries. Just come when you can, and I’ll see you guys tomorrow night.”
“Thank you, Kelsey, for letting us have this time with you,” she says softly and I can tell she means it. Their son isn’t home, so in their eyes, I’m all they have right now. In retrospect, they’re all I have right now, too.
“You don’t have to thank me, Lana. I want to see you guys, too.” I hope she can hear the genuineness behind my words. As much as I said I wanted to be alone, I don’t.
Lana clears her throat on the other end of the phone before she croaks out, “How are you, dear? We heard from Riley, and he told us what happened, about the bombing.” She’s crying, I’m sure. I listen to her sniffle and it makes me squeeze my eyes shut tight to keep my own tears from falling.
“Oh.” My voice is raspy as I swallow back the ball of emotion lodged in my throat.
“How are you holding up?” Her voice is still gravelly, but I can tell she’s trying to conceal the worries she has for her son’s safety. She’s attempting to stay strong.
“I’m better now, but it was rough for me right after it happened.” My answer is honest and raw. “I’ve never been more scared in my entire life,” I murmur in a hushed voice.
“I know. I feel like that every time I hear something like that has happened.” I hear her take a deep breath and exhale roughly into the phone. “Keep your head up and have faith and you’ll get through it. And if you ever want anyone to talk to, I’m here.” Lana’s words are earnest and sincere, and I have to close my eyes to keep from crying.
“Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. It’s what I’m here for.” She laughs and it brings a small smile to my face. “Well then, I’m going to get off of here and let you get on with the rest of your day. We’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yep. Be safe and please, call me if you need anything,” I insist.
“Will do, dear. Bye.”
“Bye.”
♥
My toes wiggle in the sand and I keep adjusting my position because the lumps in the beach are beginning to hurt my ass. I’ve sat here for a couple of hours thinking about everything and nothing. My mind wanders to my parents, and as much as I don’t want to think about them, I can’t help it. I wonder how they’re doing or if they ever think of me. Knowing and having seen the relationship Riley has with his parents makes me wish I could have the same with mine, but I know it’s no use. Where Riley’s parents are fun, loving, and supportive, mine are cold, sterile, and righteous assholes who only look out for themselves. But who knows, maybe they’ve changed. Probably not, but somewhere deep inside of me, I’d like to believe so. If they saw where I am right now in my life, how happy I am, I’d like to think that they’d be happy for me.
“Hey stranger,” someone calls out from beside me.
I shield my eyes from the shining sun to see an old, familiar face. Lyle. I completely forgot that he lived out here.
I wave at him and he jogs what looks like a few yards before he stops in front of me, with his hands on his hips, his chest heaves with exertion, winded. He’s in a pair of basketball shorts, a black t-shirt, and running shoes. I jump up off my towel and go to hug him, but he puts his hands out to stop my advances. Immediately, my arms drop down to my sides and my smile falls when the jerk laughs.
“Don’t get all sad on me,” he pants. “I’ve been running for the past hour, and I don’t want to get my sweat all over you.”
“How chivalrous of you.” I smirk at him.
“In that case.” Lyle reaches out, and before I know it, my face is pressed against his chest, the dampness a cool contrast to my warm skin.
“Eww…. You weren’t lying.” I laugh loud, long, and hard. “Let go. You’re getting me all sweaty.”
He releases me and says, “I told you so.”
I take a step back from him, putting some distance between us. “So.”
“So,” he states, mirroring me.
“How have you been?” I ask.
Lyle looks out at the deep, blue Atlantic before giving me a sidelong glance. Not once does he turn his head in my direction. “Busy. I’ve taken on a lot more cases in the past few months.”
An awkward silence, a silence that used to be comfortable, now fills the air between us. I can understand the distance that’s between us now. I’ve put it there. Instead of hoping he’ll look at me, I follow his gaze and stare out at the ocean. It’s tranquil except where the small whitecaps on the tops of the waves break softly onto the shoreline. The slight breeze carries the smell of the salt water with it. There’s a peaceful feeling that comes with being out here, and I don’t want any residual awkwardness between Lyle and me ruining it.
“I’m sorry.” My voice is soft and my apology is genuine. I only hope that he realizes it. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know that,” he says, his eyes never leaving the view ahead of him. “It’s my fault really. I let myself get attached to a woman who belonged to someone else.” Lyle turns to look at me and his green eyes connect with mine. “But it’s not your fault, Kelsey. You told me over
and over again that you were still in love with him.” He shakes his head and sighs.
“I meant what I said. I still wanted us to be friends, Lyle. You helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I can never thank you enough for it.”
Lyle’s eyes never leave my face and we just stand there on the beach, staring at one another for a few minutes before he finally nods. “Well, friend, I’m starving and there’s this great little pizza joint right down the road. Would you be up to joining me for some dinner?”
Scavenge (Smoldering #1.5) Page 4