Purple People

by Kate Bulpitt

  ‘Sensible woman,’ said Helena, quietly.

  ‘She would say that, she’ll be out of a job!’ whispered Womble, in retaliation.

  ‘Thanks, Immy,’ said Desmond. ‘Ella?’

  Columnist Ella Breally smiled at the audience, looking to Eve like the journalistic equivalent of a cartoon villainess. ‘I’m astonished to say that I wholeheartedly agree with Gwen, and the prime minister. This is an excellent way of making our streets safer for those who deserve to feel safe, and for shaming those who shouldn’t be able to prowl around causing trouble. Frankly, if you’re a degenerate who’s not fit to participate in society, I’d rather you were marked as such, rather than, if you actually get caught, getting let off on some technicality or given community service, a pat on the head and a bag of cough drops, and then being free to cause more harm.’

  There was a smattering of applause from the audience. Eve could see one lady in the front row nodding passionately, while beside her another woman shook her head in despair.

  ‘I think you’re rather undermining the justice system,’ said Immy Birch. ‘And with these measures, if you’re not given a custodial sentence, you’ll still be on the streets—’

  ‘But you’ll be noticeably Purple,’ Ella interrupted with a short huff. ‘Which will give decent people a warning to stay away from you, as Theo Fletcher says, if you dare show your face in civilised society.’

  ‘I’m mortified to find myself saying this,’ said popular comedian Ed Fitzpatrick, who was wearing a shirt covered in small zebras. ‘Maybe it’s my age – I’m not the spritely socialist I once was – but I’m actually somewhat in agreement with Ella. I’m not sure that this is exactly the way to go – dyeing people seems pretty far-fetched – but I think a lot of people are tip-toeing around, trying to be politically correct, but let’s say it: crime and anti-social behaviour have got out of control, and what, over the last twenty years, has worked in trying to stem that? Apparently nothing. The Repeal might have had a very minor effect, but you can still get stabbed for looking at someone the wrong way, or nicking someone’s parking spot, and as unacceptable and outlandish as the Purple Scheme may be, the crimes taking place on our streets are equally so. This may not be the best solution, but it’s a start, and I’m glad we’re managing to take decisive, if drastic, action.’

  Continuing their whispered dispute, Womble said, ‘So true! I always did like him. His sitcom is very good.’

  ‘You asked if it had been written by chimps,’ said Helena.

  One of the students turned around, fixing them with a youthful frown.

  Eve was doing her best to disguise her palpitations at the sight of Magnus. It was now his turn to speak.

  ‘I know this does all feel like an absurd dream sequence in a strange film – or maybe The Ed Fitzpatrick Show.’ There was laughter from the audience before Magnus turned to Ed and said, ‘Which I do really like, by the way – just ask my missus!’

  Eve bit her lip. Magnus looked just the same, a keen energy fizzing from his PoPP t-shirt as he leant forward, engaged, as ever, putting his elbows on the desk in front of him and emphasising his points with animated gestures.

  ‘And it seems ludicrous that we’re discussing this, that it’s actually real,’ Magnus continued, running a hand through his hair, leaving a clump poking out to one side. ‘The Purple Scheme would be laughable if it weren’t so criminally insane. It isn’t effective for combating crime, it’s a crime in itself. Of course people want to feel safer. Of course we all want to feel that we have a justice system that works, and at the moment it doesn’t always, despite the efforts of many good, hard-working people. Sure, in the short term the Purple madness might get some people off the streets, but at what cost? Is that going to help someone with bad behaviour change their ways? When and how do they stop being Purple, and if you take an angry, disaffected person and Turn them, won’t branding them that way make them angrier and more likely to reoffend? In the long run, this could actually create more crime. Instead of dyeing people, we should be talking about how to prevent crime and anti-social behaviour. Through education, through having ready employment for people, through having decent role models for young people as they grow up, setting standards. It’s not exciting, it’s not like living in a sci-fi film, and there are no snappy results, but I think that’s the responsible, decent way for us to lead by example. The behaviour we see around us may not be acceptable, but, regardless of whether it’s effective or not, neither is this solution.’

  There was a round of applause from the audience. Eve really wished she had a large glass of wine.

  ‘The voice of reason,’ said Helena. ‘He always was a smart guy.’ She caught Eve’s eye and mouthed, ‘You okay?’

  Eve gave an uncertain nod.

  ‘Namby pamby nonsense!’ said Ella. ‘Mollycoddling them is just as much a part of the problem.’

  ‘Ella, I think the causes are closer to the hysteria-inducing door of your workplace,’ said Magnus.

  ‘What about its value as a deterrent?’ Desmond asked.

  ‘We used to hang people as a deterrent. In other countries you can have your hands chopped off, or be stoned to death. Do those work as deterrents? And if they do, does that justify such ugly penalties?’

  ‘Hang on, though,’ said Ed Fitzpatrick. ‘Can we just do a quick show of hands – are we allowed to do that, Des?’

  ‘I don’t see why not.’

  ‘Right then,’ Ed addressed the audience. ‘If you would be significantly less likely to behave badly in public for fear of being Turned Purple, raise your hand now.’

  The panel watched as the majority of audience members, Womble included, raised a hand. Helena, cheeks sucked in, quietly shook her head, arms firmly at her sides. Eve, who’d never behaved badly in public, and fearing Helena’s wrath, abstained. Rory glanced around, seemingly in wonderment at the human coral of raised arms.

  ‘Though isn’t it possible,’ said Immy Birch, ‘that here we have a well-behaved, socially-engaged audience who weren’t likely to offend even before this scheme?’

  A microphone was placed in front of one young woman who had raised her hand. ‘I’m already watching what I do, and I’m not usually in trouble,’ she said.

  ‘I’d be careful,’ said Womble.

  ‘In contrast to your wild, spontaneous ways?’ said Helena.

  ‘Anyone else like to comment?’ Desmond asked.

  One of the students said, ‘I think most people know it’d be unlikely to happen to them, especially if they don’t take part in fights or things like that, but the Purple thing seems so mysterious that you just don’t know… It seems like you might as well be really, really well behaved, just in case, ’cause you really don’t know what might happen.’

  A couple of people nearby nodded in agreement.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Desmond. ‘Now, another question, from Zachary Naylor.’

  Zachary had short, sandy hair and wore a t-shirt with a logo that suggested he was a marathon runner. He cleared his throat.

  ‘For those who don’t agree with the scheme, what alternative measures would they suggest for controlling what has seemed, quite honestly, to be an increasingly uncontrollable situation?’

  ‘Rupert, let’s start with you,’ said Desmond.

  ‘Tougher sentencing, for a start,’ said Rupert. ‘If you’ve committed a crime, there should be a heavy penalty for that. Plus increasingly harsh sentences for repeat offenders.’

  ‘May I?’ asked Magnus, and Desmond nodded.

  ‘But at what cost, Rupert? I know your party’s floated the idea of life imprisonment for persistent offenders – and in fact, so had Theo Fletcher, a while ago – but even purely from an economic point of view, that’s just not viable.’

  ‘When it comes to public well-being, we’re not going to put a price limit on that,’ said Rupert. ‘We’ve also considered reinstating National Service, which, if anything, would provide some real discipline. There are too many peop
le in this country who could do with a large dose of that.’

  ‘Hear, hear,’ said a lady wearing a pair of bright-green-framed glasses. ‘People need discipline, and purpose, we all do.’

  ‘Hang the bastards!’ someone shouted, and with a stern look into the audience, Desmond responded, ‘We will not be having any of that.’ Then, more genially, he indicated to an older gent in military uniform and said, ‘The gentleman in the third row…’

  ‘That’s all very well, Mr Barron-Clency, but your government made critical and might I say devastating cuts to the armed forces. Are you saying we should top up the numbers with a batch of undisciplined yobs who will most likely be wholly unsuitable to serve? And that we should put aside valuable, not to mention extremely limited, resources to train them?’

  ‘I think if other countries have an excellent national service programme, I don’t see why we can’t.’

  ‘Moving on…’ said Desmond. ‘Immy?’

  ‘I don’t think we need an alternative to the pre-Purple justice system. It has served us for a long time, and is fair and democratic. This is the template used by most of the developed world, and we should – and can – put our faith in it. Magnus is correct, too, when he says we need to consider ways to prevent crime and anti-social behaviour. Those are the solutions.’

  ‘And Magnus? Any final points on this from you?’

  ‘I really do believe progress will be made when we focus on education, and employment. Also, as a parent, while I don’t think you can lay the blame for all bad behaviour at a parent’s door—’

  ‘Look at Lee the Lav!’ someone in the audience shouted.

  ‘Now, now,’ chided Desmond, again looking into the crowd.

  There were more whispers from Helena and Womble.

  ‘That Lee’s really been getting it in the neck, hasn’t he,’ she said.

  ‘So did the guy he beat up,’ he said.

  ‘It does seem as though Lee may have been from a violent home,’ said Magnus, ‘which would give any of us a disadvantaged hand in life. But what I was going to say was, while parents can’t take all the blame, in our families, and communities, and society as a whole, we do have a responsibility to guide our kids, and both teach them, and show them, respect. That was something Milton Hardy worked quite hard for, and it’s an approach I think – ’ he gave a small, self-deprecating shrug – ‘is really important.’

  There was a rousing round of applause.

  ‘Can I just say something?’ said Ed Fitzpatrick.

  ‘Go ahead,’ said Desmond.

  ‘I’m a parent myself, and I agree with what Magnus has just said, but we can only live in some kind of respectful utopia if everyone adopts the same values, shows consideration and respect. And really, when is that going to happen? I’d love if there was a happy, squishy, natural mung-bean solution. But in the meantime, I think maybe we should give the Purpleness a chance. Especially considering that given the half-baked responses we’ve just heard, no one seems to have any particularly inspiring alternatives.’

  There was more enthusiastic clapping from the audience.

  Ed Fitzpatrick gave an impish grin and tipped his head in bowing appreciation.

  ‘Now,’ said Desmond, ‘our next question is from Helena Arthur.’

  Womble turned to Helena, bewildered. Ignoring him, she gave Eve a gratified smile before standing up.

  ‘In Britain we like to consider ourselves a progressive nation. Doesn’t this scheme take us back to the unenlightened days of branding, and also encourage a newly manufactured form of racism?’

  Magnus peered into the audience, a look of surprised recognition on his face. Helena wiggled her fingers at him in a very small wave.

  Eve aligned herself with the tall student, hoping she was hidden behind him. What would Magnus think if he saw her?

  Gwen was first to respond. ‘Unlike branding, this is pain-free and fully reversible,’ she said.

  ‘What about the psychological damage?’ Magnus asked.

  ‘What about the psychological damage to the victims of crime?’ Gwen countered. ‘This is simply marking people for what they are – troublemakers, and simultaneously being able to warn members of the public, who have the right to know. As to racism… that’s preposterous, this is nothing of the sort.’

  ‘Branding was barbaric. This is as physically harmful as dyeing your hair, am I right, Gwen?’ Ella asked.

  ‘Absolutely,’ she replied.

  There were a few groans from the audience, and one from Helena.

  ‘And racism?’ Desmond asked.

  ‘It’s not racism,’ Ella snorted. ‘That’s ridiculous. Racism is the result of ignorance, this is just a signifier of behaviour. Calling a spade a spade.’

  Throughout the audience were people wincing at her choice of words. Ella seemed oblivious.

  ‘Dear God,’ said Helena.

  Ed the comedian had been scribbling notes, which he looked up from, thoughtfully.

  ‘Firstly,’ he said, ‘I think there is a comparison to be made here with branding, both are obviously physically marking someone, singling them out. But as much as people have laughed at Gwen and Ella, the reason we would consider branding, or some other punishment from the dark ages, so barbaric is because of the pain of it, and also that it’s then a lifelong stigma. This is something that isn’t physically going to hurt you, and can be reversed, that you can earn your way out of. As I’ve said, I don’t think it’s the best plan, but it does have some merit. And racism… I really hadn’t thought about it like that before. Obviously judging someone by how they look is wrong, we all know that, and this is creating a situation where you’re expected, actually encouraged to do that. But unlike other prejudices, this – if we’re to believe the system works – is marking you accurately. It’s making this the exception to the rule of not judging a book by its cover.’

  ‘That was a very important question, Helena,’ said Magnus, with a smile. ‘And yes, Purpling does do both those things. Following on from what Ed just said, in terms of racism it’s basically setting the example that you can judge someone by their colour, and it’s potentially very damaging to the increasing tolerance we’ve achieved in our society. Also, you can be Turned for a number of things, so are we to judge someone who’s committed a violent assault in the same way as someone who’s, say, a shoplifter? And if someone’s involved in an altercation, what are their circumstances, were they defending themselves, were they provoked? All of these things we would hear in a trial, but of course in these cases you’re condemned before you’ve been tried, and we’re being told to judge without knowing the facts.’

  Stooping slightly to whisper to Eve, Helena said, ‘I love Magnus. He always was brilliant, wasn’t he?’

  Eve nodded, wondering if anyone would notice if she fainted and tumbled out of her chair (and with any luck, down the stairs and towards the bar).

  To one side of the audience, a woman took the microphone and said, ‘Do you want to be prime minister? I’d vote for you!’ She giggled, and some other members of the crowd laughed too.

  ‘An admirer!’ Desmond said to Magnus, with a chuckle.

  Gwen Thomas looked as though she was about to speak.

  ‘Did you want to add something?’ Desmond asked.

  ‘I was going to say, in response to Magnus’s comment, the circumstances are witnessed and taken into account in any situation where someone is committing a Turn-able offence.’

  ‘And decided by… who?’ Magnus said, expectantly. ‘Are there secret police watching us?’ He looked to the audience and shrugged. ‘We don’t know, do we?’

  There was much clapping from the audience.

  Eve’s internal quivers were briefly stilled by this question, despite the fact that it was from Magnus. She watched the panel’s reactions, most particularly that of Gwen Thomas, who she guessed was the only one likely to know the secrets of the Purpling. Gwen had pursed her lips and looked down, giving nothing away.

&nb
sp; Now she cleared her throat. ‘It’s been said many times before, mainly by the prime minister, but it can’t be stressed enough that elements of the initiative are extremely sensitive and for security reasons must remain confidential.’

  There was a smattering of jeers from the audience.

  ‘Did anyone else want to comment on this?’ Desmond asked.

  A woman in a striped jumper stood up. ‘I’m sorry, but if you’re committing a crime or being anti-social, you deserve to be Turned, and you deserve to be judged.’

  This was followed by a round of claps.

  ‘Exactly,’ Womble mouthed, silently.

  ‘I think we’ve time for one more question,’ said Desmond, ‘which comes from Celeste Owusu.’

  ‘This is a way of identifying people who participate in visible crimes and anti-social behaviour. But what about other crimes, like domestic violence, which is devastating, and affects a lot of people, and white-collar crime, like tax evasion and fraud? Which may not be public, but are just as immoral.’

  ‘That’s correct,’ said Immy. ‘If we look at those affected and the crimes they’ve subsequently been charged with, and at the crimes listed in the documentation that’s been made publicly available, the scheme only targets street crime or offences that are committed in public. Which does limit its reach.’

  ‘Another reason to knock it on the head,’ whispered Helena.

  Eve expected Womble to respond, but he said nothing.

  ‘We are considering potentially expanding on that,’ said Gwen, keenly, ‘but this scheme seemed most effective for tackling street crime, which is the area of criminal behaviour shown to be the public’s biggest concern by a considerable measure.’