Snow Falcon

by Harrison, Stuart

  Michael arrived on time and as Susan went to let him in she checked in the mirror to make sure she hadn’t wiped flour on her face or something. When she opened the door he was standing on the porch holding a bottle of wine, wearing clean jeans and a dark blue sweater that was almost the same color as his eyes.

  ‘Hi, come on in.’ She took the wine he offered her and showed him where he could hang his coat. While she fetched some glasses he poked his head into the TV room and said hi to Jamie. Jamie glanced up from a drawing he was doing to go with his essay and offered a brief smile before going back to his drawing. Susan knew him well enough to know that it was a polite response at best, about once removed from totally ignoring Michael.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ she said when Michael came back. ‘You’ve probably figured out by now that he can be moody.’

  ‘It’s okay.’

  ‘He can be worse when people come to the house.’ She passed him a glass of wine. ‘It’s funny though. I thought he’d be different this time. I’ve seen him change since he started going over to your place. He’s started coming out of himself.’

  ‘How long has it been?’ Michael asked.

  ‘You mean how long has he been this way? Over a year now. Do you know what happened?’ Susan asked, realizing she’d never explained about Jamie.

  ‘Tom Waters told me there was a hunting accident.’

  Susan nodded. ‘Jamie’s dad was shot. Jamie hasn’t spoken a word since.’ She sipped her wine and busied herself checking on dinner. ‘We don’t really know what happened because there were only the two of them there, and Jamie won’t talk about it. He was seeing a psychologist for a while. Doctor Carey thinks Jamie not speaking is his way of avoiding dealing with the accident.’

  ‘He’s not seeing him anymore?’

  ‘We’re taking a break. Doctor Carey thought it might help to take the pressure off Jamie.’ Susan paused. Jamie was concentrating as he colored his drawing. ‘What’s he like when he’s with you?’

  ‘He doesn’t talk, if that’s what you’re asking.’

  ‘But he responds, right? I mean he interacts?’

  ‘Yes. He helps me. And you’re right about him coming out of himself. He’s changed since he first started coming over.’

  ‘But just now when you said hi, he barely acknowledged you. Is that how he is normally?’

  ‘No,’ Michael admitted and he turned to watch Jamie for a moment, his expression thoughtful.

  ‘What are you thinking?’

  ‘About what you said before, that Jamie is worse when people come to the house. It makes sense. Normally when he’s with me we’re training Cully. This is different.’

  ‘Because now it’s not just you and Jamie, it’s me as well. Is that what you mean?’

  ‘Something like that. It could be how Jamie sees it anyway.’

  ‘Because he doesn’t like the idea of anyone taking his dad’s place? That’s what I thought at first, but what if I told you when I visit David’s grave, Jamie refuses to come with me? It’s like he’s angry at his dad for some reason. He won’t look at pictures of him and we never talk about him. It’s almost like Jamie’s trying to forget his dad ever existed, which I just don’t understand. He loved David. They were really close. Doctor Carey thinks it could be a kind of denial, like Jamie’s way of not acknowledging that his dad is dead. But I don’t think that’s it. Not after all this time.’

  Michael glanced back at the tv room. ‘It doesn’t always make sense,’ he said.

  ‘What doesn’t?’ Susan asked.

  ‘Cause and effect. When you’re dealing with how we process stuff it isn’t always logical.’

  He was speaking from personal experience, Susan thought. ‘Can I ask you something?’ she said, and before he could answer she went on and asked him anyway. ‘What did you expect when you came back here?’

  ‘You mean from other people?’

  ‘No. I mean, what did you expect from coming back? I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think you even considered how people might react because it wasn’t about that. You came back for a reason didn’t you? Was it about what happened?’

  He toyed with his glass. ‘What do you know about me?’ he asked eventually.

  ‘What I’ve read. I did a search online.’ She felt her cheeks flush at the admission. ‘Do you blame me for that?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘The reports I found said you shot a man who was having an affair with your wife, and then you held her and your daughter hostage.’

  ‘That’s more or less what happened.’

  ‘There must have been more to it though,’ Susan prompted.

  ‘What makes you think that?’

  ‘At your trial your lawyer put up a defense of insanity.’

  ‘Which the jury didn’t accept. They thought I knew what I was doing.’

  ‘But you spent some of your sentence in a psychiatric hospital didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes. My lawyer got me transferred later. Some things happened when I was in prison.’

  ‘Was the jury wrong?’ Susan asked. ‘Did you know what you were doing?’

  ‘It isn’t that straightforward. Some people who exhibit psychological problems have a condition like schizophrenia or manic depression, which means they don’t experience the world the way other people do, but their condition has a physiological cause. It’s a chemical imbalance and it can be treated with drugs, at least to a degree. But other people behave in certain ways because of things that have happened to them. It could be that those experiences have a physical effect in their brains as well as affecting the way they think. The truth is nobody really understands.’

  ‘Are you saying that’s what happened to you?’

  ‘Probably. I was on medication for a while after I was transferred to the psych unit, but eventually the levels were reduced. Part of my treatment program was intensive counseling.’

  ‘Do you take medication now?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then your treatment was successful?’

  ‘That depends on your point of view. I’m not having psychotic thoughts anymore, but I still don’t know what I was thinking that day or why I felt the way I did. I can’t be certain I could never be that way again.’

  She had gone too far, Susan thought. He was uncomfortable talking about himself this way, but in a moment of insight she saw why he’d come back to Little River. His life hadn’t disintegrated because of the events that occurred in a single day. It must have been the culmination of everything that came before, but it wasn’t the events themselves that could damage people, it was the way they reacted to them. She thought of Jamie and whatever happened the day his dad was killed. For whatever reason, he was avoiding the truth. Eventually he would construct a new version of what happened and over time he would come to believe it. But deep down the thing he was hiding from would worry at him, and would affect everything he did in life, and perhaps one day a fatal flaw would be exposed in the careful construct he fabricated. What would happen then? Would his life implode? Is this what happened to Michael?

  Michael got up from his stool at the bench. ‘Look, I’m not sure this was a good idea,’ he said. ‘It might be better if I leave.’

  ‘Leave? Why?’

  He gestured towards the TV room. ‘You said you’ve seen a change in Jamie. I don’t think having me here is going to help.’

  ‘But your being here has nothing to do with David or how Jamie feels,’ Susan protested. ‘We’re neighbors, and I want to thank you for what you’ve done.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. Not to Jamie.’

  He was right, Susan thought. The one thing she couldn’t bear was for Jamie to slip backwards again when it had taken so long for these first few tentative steps of progress. ‘I feel terrible about this,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t be,’ Michael said. She went with him to the door and as he was about to leave he remembered something. ‘I’m going to leave it for another few days before I start flyin
g Cully again. Tell Jamie to come by the store after school one day if he still wants to come.’

  ‘I will. Thankyou.’

  She watched as he crossed the snow to the trees and vanished into the dark. When she went back inside she told Jamie that Michael had to leave and it would just be the two of them for supper after all. He looked puzzled, but not disappointed.

  CHAPTER 24

  Ellis had a headache. He sat at the kitchen and chewed some aspirin. Rachel was making coffee. She glanced over and asked him if he was going to the yard.

  ‘No, I told you I’m going with Red.’

  ‘Going where?’

  ‘He’s taking a load to Portland. His regular guy is sick so I’m going with him.’

  ‘What about the yard?’

  ‘It’s arranged. There’s nothing urgent on so I might as well make some money on the side.’

  ‘How much is Red paying you?’

  ‘What is this?’ Ellis demanded. His headache was getting worse, and all Rachel could do was give him the third degree. The fact was Red hadn’t actually mentioned a specific sum, but he had no intention of telling Rachel that.

  He was ready for an argument, but instead Rachel turned her back. She didn’t even ask when he’d be back. He wondered if she’d been up again in the night, smoking cigarettes in the dark, thinking about whatever was on her mind. She was thinking a lot these days. Sometimes he felt like he didn’t exist. Rachel was a lot smarter than he was, Ellis knew that. She probably thought if she hadn’t married him she could have done something better with her life. It was probably true.

  It hadn’t always been like this though. Rachel said she had to get ready for work and Ellis watched her wash up her coffee cup. The robe she was wearing stretched over her hips as she moved, and Ellis thought about going upstairs with her. There was a time when they never had a problem with that part of their marriage, but he couldn’t remember the last time they did anything like that. Maybe that was part of the trouble.

  He got up and stood behind her at the sink. He felt her stiffen before he even touched her. While he stood there thinking about what he should do she wiped her hands and slipped by him to the door. He poured himself a cup of coffee instead, and when he was done he called out that he would see her in a couple of days, but she was probably in the shower and didn’t hear him because she didn’t answer.

  The trip turned out to be exactly what Ellis needed. They got to Portland and Red gave him a couple of hundred and they went out to have some fun. By the next afternoon when Ellis woke up with a king-size hangover, he had dim memories of a great time, but most of his money was gone.

  On the way back, on the interstate, Red began offering advice concerning Ellis’s marital problems, which apparently they had discussed at length in a bar the night before, though Ellis had no recollection of the conversation.

  ‘You should buy her something,’ Red said as he sucked on a Marlboro. ‘Women like that stuff.’

  ‘What with?’ Ellis complained and dug in his pocket and pulled out a meager few dollars.

  ‘What about that falcon you told me about?’

  ‘The one that prick Somers stole?’

  ‘Unless there’s another falcon you didn’t tell me about,’ Red said. ‘Thing is, you just said it yourself. He stole it from you didn’t he? Even Coop as good as said you shouldn’t stand for it.’

  Ellis didn’t remember mentioning that to Red either, but he supposed he must have. ‘So what’re you saying, you think I ought to steal it back?’

  It ain’t stealing if it was stole from you already. You’d just be getting back what’s yours.’

  He had a point, Ellis thought. He continued thinking about it all the way back to Little River.

  After Red dropped him off he went to the yard. Once he managed to get the fire burning he sat down and rested his eyes. When he woke up Rachel was standing in the doorway. The look she wore made him uncomfortable.

  ‘When did you get back?’ she asked him.

  He glanced at his watch. ‘About an hour ago.’

  He waited for her to ask how much money he’d made, but instead she came and sat down.

  ‘I think we should talk, Pete,’ she said.

  He thought about the expression she wore when he woke up and wondered how long she had been standing there watching him. He had the feeling she didn’t like what she saw.

  ‘Want some coffee?’ He got up and went to the stove, wondering where the hell the coffee pot was, then remembered he’d put it under the desk after he took a leak in it earlier because he didn’t want to go outside.

  ‘No.’

  ‘How come you’re not at work?’ Ellis put another log on the fire and tried to smooth his hair a little and straighten himself out.

  ‘I took some time off. I saw you drive through town and didn’t want to do this at home, not with the kids around.’

  Ellis didn’t like the way she sounded, serious and heavy with what he felt were likely to be unwelcome recriminations. He guessed she was going to tell him she was leaving. He wasn’t surprised. Life seemed to always go against him, like he was constantly swimming against the tide. He tried to picture his life without Rachel. She would take the kids and who would blame her? He’d end up living like a bum, drinking cheap liquor from a brown paper bag.

  ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘I’m glad you came by. I wasn’t going to say anything until later, but now that you’re here I may as well give you the good news.’

  ‘Pete, listen. We have to talk.’

  She hadn’t even heard him. She was absorbed in the speech she’d worked out in her head and she didn’t want to be distracted from it. Her face was set, but she couldn’t look him in the eye so he knew she didn’t hate him yet.

  ‘I’m trying to tell you, Rachel, everything’s going to change now. I had some luck. I finally got a break.’ He went on talking over the top of her. He knew he was babbling and sounded desperate and he guessed she was wondering if he was drunk.

  ‘I came into some money. I’ll get it tomorrow,’ he told her. ‘I did some thinking when I was away. I need to stop drinking, I know that. Thing is it’s been tough, Rachel. You don’t know how it is sometimes. I never had a fucking chance, everything I touch turns to shit. Except for you. You’re the best thing there is. I’ve got this money coming. I mean it’s not a fortune or anything, but it’s almost a couple thousand. It’ll pay some of the bills. We can get started again the way things used to be. I need you.’

  He said the last part quickly. He wanted to stop her saying whatever it was she had on her mind. He knew how pathetic he must seem. He was dirty, unshaven and he probably stank.

  Seconds slipped by and he felt her resolve fade away. ‘Where’s this money coming from?’

  ‘It was a deal me and Red did in Portland. It was lucky.’

  She looked like she didn’t believe any of it. ‘Pete…’

  ‘Don’t!’ he said and they looked at one another, both of them surprised. ‘Please don’t, Rachel. Give me another chance. That’s all I ask.’

  She looked unsure. For a long time neither of them said anything then finally she nodded heavily.

  ‘I have to go back to work,’ she said. At the door she turned around as if she had changed her mind again.

  ‘It’ll work out,’ he told her. ‘I promise.’

  When Rachel had gone he called Tusker. ‘This is Pete Ellis,’ he said.

  ‘I’m busy, Ellis, you’ll have to call later.’

  He could tell the sonofabitch was about to hang up on him. ‘If you don’t want that gyr falcon I guess I can sell it to somebody else.’

  There was a short silence while Tusker thought about it. ‘Are we talking about the falcon you were going to bring me weeks ago, Ellis? Is that still the same bird?’

  ‘This time I’ve got it.’

  ‘How do I know that’s true, Ellis? I already made myself look stupid to a client. I don’t want to do that again.’

  ‘I said I ha
d it, didn’t I? So, are we talking about the same kind of money?’

  ‘Fifteen hundred.’

  ‘We agreed two thousand.’

  ‘That was then,’ Tusker said. ‘I incurred expenses.’

  Ellis gripped the phone hard until his knuckles were white. He wondered what kind of expenses Tusker had that amounted to five hundred bucks? Maybe a phone call or two.

  ‘Fuck you,’ he said.

  ‘Wait a minute.’

  ‘What?’

  There was a pause, then reluctantly, ‘I could make it seventeen hundred.’

  Ellis decided not to push his luck. He agreed to deliver the falcon the following day.

  After he hung up he thought about what he was doing. The money wasn’t going to change his life, he knew that. It wasn’t about just the money any more, maybe it never had been. It was about doing something right for once in his damn life. It was about proving something to Rachel. He would take her out. They could have dinner somewhere and they would talk and he would tell her he was going to change. He would stop drinking and maybe he’d ask her to come back and help run the yard the way it used to be. They’d make it work out. The money was a way of saying; look, I did this, I can do the rest of it too. He just needed another chance.

  CHAPTER 25

  The store was taking shape. Michael had traced the damp patches to a leak in the roof, where rain had seeped in and found its way down to the ground floor. With the leak mended he’d hacked away the damp board and replaced it. The result wasn’t perfect, but unless you were looking for the repair it would pass casual inspection. The holes in the floor had also been fixed. He’d taken up the boards and cut them off evenly, then fitted new sections in. The result left a patchwork finish, but he thought that by the time he had the whole thing sanded back and re-stained it would be as good as new. He’d drawn up a plan of where he was going to put new counters, and where the fixtures he was going to build would go. After that he would paint the place and it would be finished. It would look just the way he remembered.