Hold Me Close

by Shannyn Schroeder

He glanced at the bare room again. He closed his eyes. “Nothing. Where do you want to go?”

  “How about Sorrentino’s? I’ve missed their pizza.”

  “Sounds good. Pick you up at seven?”

  “Fabulous.”

  He disconnected and turned off the meager light in the room. Before locking up, he shot a quick text to Ryan to ask about the radiators. After work tomorrow, he’d get his dad to help him move his bed in. The majority of the rest of his things would go into storage. The less he had to work around in here, the smoother it would go.

  Shane spent the next few hours packing the last of his stuff. He’d lived with Joe for the past three years, but he hadn’t accumulated much in the way of possessions. He had a dresser, bed, and nightstand. The living room furniture was all Joe’s. Except the TV. That was his, but he wasn’t sure he’d bother trying to hook it up until he finished the living room. At least football season had ended.

  He showered, changed, and left to pick up Maggie. When he arrived at her house, he knocked and waited.

  Mrs. O’Leary opened the door. He towered over her as always, but she looked good. If he hadn’t known she suffered a heart attack a few months back, he’d never have guessed it.

  “Shane. Come in. It’s good to see you.” She opened the door wider.

  He bent over and kissed her cheek as he pulled her into a hug. He’d learned over the years that Mrs. O’Leary would never initiate a hug, but she’d welcome it from him. She squeezed him back.

  “I’ve missed seeing you. What have you been up to?” she asked as she locked up.

  “Working with my dad. Waiting for the police department to call. The same things I’ve been doing.”

  “You should talk to Jimmy. Maybe he could help with the police.”

  “Jimmy?”

  “Jimmy O’Malley. Moira’s fiancé. He’s a detective, you know. Worked on a big case for the mayor last summer.” She ushered him into the living room and sat on her chair.

  He moved to the couch. Jimmy O’Malley had never crossed his mind. He knew of him, maybe even had met him a few times over the years. He knew Jimmy and Liam were friends.

  “Maggie’ll be down in a minute.” A quiet smile stole across the woman’s face.

  “I’m glad she finally came home.”

  “We all are.” Her gaze shot over his shoulder to the stairs that led to Maggie’s room. “Ryan told me what Maggie plans.”

  Shit. He’d asked Ryan not to tell anyone.

  “Thank you for looking after my girl.”

  “I’d do anything for her.”

  “You’re a good boy.”

  Thundering feet on the steps drew his attention. That was a sound he would always associate with Maggie and the O’Leary house. For such a small woman, she had the feet of an elephant.

  “Sorry I’m late,” she said with a smile.

  “That’s something I can count on.”

  “I’m not always late.”

  “You keep telling yourself that.” He kept the joking going to distract himself from how beautiful she looked.

  She wore nothing special. It wasn’t like this was a date. Although he hadn’t seen Maggie dress up for a date in years, he remembered what it did to him. He tried not to stare as she bent over to tug on her boots.

  Her jeans were snug on her slight curves. The plaid shirt she wore open over a tight-fitting tank slipped off one shoulder exposing her smooth skin. She might as well be dressed to go to a painting party, but he was getting turned on. She shouldn’t still have this effect on him.

  As she straightened, she flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Ready?”

  “Yep.”

  “See you later, Mom. Don’t wait up.” She gave her mom a quick kiss on the cheek.

  Mrs. O’Leary looked at him. “You be careful driving, now. The roads are still slick.”

  “I’ll bring her back safely.”

  When they arrived at the restaurant, the warmth of Sorrentino’s wrapped around them. The interior could only be described as cozy. Low lights, candles flickering on the tables. Although the setting could be romantic, it was still very much a family restaurant.

  Maggie inhaled deeply. “Oh, man. That smells so good. You have no idea how much I’ve missed Chicago pizza.”

  “I think I do. I remember when we FaceTimed while I was eating leftovers.”

  She looked over her shoulder with her blue eyes narrowing. “That was just mean. You did it to make me envious.”

  He smirked. “I wanted you to know what you were missing.”

  The hostess led them to a corner booth. It was the same booth where he’d planned to ask Maggie out a year and a half ago and instead she’d told him she was leaving Chicago. He’d planned a perfect night and thought he’d had the right words to convince her they would be good together. Her announcement told him how wrong he’d been.

  He waited until she slid in, and he sat across from her. The hostess left menus on the table and returned moments later with glasses of water and a basket of bread.

  Maggie snatched a piece of bread and slathered it with butter.

  “Tell me about going to the bar. Does your family know?”

  She nodded. “Ryan was there.” She chewed and swallowed. “I don’t know what I was so worried about. It was nothing.”

  “That’s not true, Maggie. Going there was a huge deal.”

  She shook her head. “Maybe years ago it would’ve been momentous. It wasn’t, though. It kind of pisses me off. I stayed away for years out of fear. But you know what hit me when I sat there eating a cheeseburger? Good memories.”

  “I’m glad.” The tension in his muscles eased a fraction. A lot of times, Maggie would cover what happened so her family wouldn’t worry, but she didn’t keep things from him. She wasn’t just painting a pretty picture here.

  “Remember the time you nailed Michael with a dart?”

  “How could I forget?” Michael had made him do extra work for the next week, claiming his arm was too injured. In addition to his duties as bouncer, Shane had lugged up cases of beer and alcohol from the basement to “help” Michael. The help ended when he caught Michael doing one-armed push-ups to impress a chick.

  Shane took a gulp of water and asked the question he wasn’t sure if she’d answer. “So you didn’t have any flashbacks or think about . . .”

  “Todd? No. He didn’t come to mind at all, except when I started to get mad at myself for staying away.”

  Hearing her say that asshole’s name turned his stomach. He hated giving him any space in their conversation.

  The waitress arrived and took their pizza order. After she left, Maggie looked like she was somewhere else.

  “What are you thinking?”

  She began pulling the crust off the bread and making a small pile on her plate. Not a good sign.

  He reached across the table and covered her hands with his, stilling them. With a smile, he said, “Come on, Magpie, you can tell me anything.”

  Maggie stared at Shane’s big hands on top of hers. His words reassured her. She’d always been able to tell him anything. Things she could never tell her family. Her fears, her nightmares, her hopes, her dreams—Shane had heard them all. Why hold back now?

  “Part of why today made me angry was that I thought this was something I needed to get over. Something I needed to accomplish in order to fix myself. I’m mad because as it turns out, this wasn’t holding me back.” She itched to move, but Shane held her hands fast. She swung her legs out under the table instead.

  “Holding you back from what?” He looked directly into her eyes.

  She loved that he did that. Like he could see every piece of her. Except for the pieces she couldn’t show anyone.

  She leaned forward on the table and spoke quietly. “I feel like myself. Mostly. Like before Todd raped me. I don’t walk around in fear all the time. I feel like I can live life again.”

  “That’s good, Mags.” Shane’s thumb stroked her hand. />
  “But I can’t . . . I’ve tried. . . .” Why the hell couldn’t she just say it?

  “Can’t what?”

  “Have sex.”

  His thumb froze, and for a flicker she saw his muscles twitch before he covered with a smile. “Uh . . .”

  “We don’t have to talk about this. It’s okay.” Sex was one thing she had never talked to Shane about. They’d both had relationships over the years, and they respected that, but they didn’t get into the nitty-gritty details.

  “We can talk about whatever you need to talk about. I’m just not sure what going to O’Leary’s has to do with sex. Other than the obvious, of course.”

  She slid her hands away from him and sank back in the booth. The cool, red vinyl was smooth under her palm. “While I was in Ireland, I dated a few guys. There was one guy, Ian, and I liked him a lot. We had a great time together. But when I wanted to have sex with him, I couldn’t follow through.”

  Shane’s hand curled into a fist. “Please tell me he didn’t—”

  “Oh, God, no. I mean, he wasn’t happy I called it quits, but he was a good guy.” She took a sip of water. “I thought that I couldn’t sleep with him because of my unresolved issues here. And if I didn’t have an issue at the bar, then there’s still something wrong with me.”

  He ran a hand over his head. “Christ, Maggie. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’ll happen when you’re ready. You’re just not ready. And if some guy can’t be patient and wait, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

  Her cheeks warmed. Shane always made her feel better. Not because of the words, although they were nice to hear, but because he meant them. “Thanks. That’s pretty much what Dr. Janzen said. I’m just frustrated.”

  “Let’s put that away for now. Tonight is supposed to be about celebrating. You did accomplish something. Just because it wasn’t hard doesn’t take away from it.” He raised his glass in a toast. “To new beginnings.”

  She tilted her glass toward his. “To great friends.”

  While having lunch with Olivia had been good, a meal with Shane was always better. She relaxed around him, even after blurting out her issue with sex. She still couldn’t believe she’d done that. He was so cute with pink cheeks. She couldn’t recall ever seeing him blush before. Who’d’ve thought talking about not having sex would make Shane Callahan blush?

  As she lay in bed that night rehashing her day, she couldn’t stop thinking about Shane and what he’d said. If some guy can’t be patient and wait, then he doesn’t deserve you. The words were lovely, and she wished she could believe them. Instead, she still felt like a freak.

  Putting sex out of her mind, at least as far back as she could push it for a girl who hadn’t had any in so long, she focused on figuring out how to approach Ryan about a job. Sunday dinner was coming up fast and she needed a plan.

  Hours later, Maggie woke, tangled in her sheets, her heart thumping. She froze for a minute and tried to figure out what woke her. She stared at the bedroom door, narrowing her eyes to see the knob. Still locked.

  Her body was on full alert, and she waited for the memory of a nightmare to hit her, but it didn’t. She breathed a quiet sigh and closed her eyes again.

  That’s when bits of the dream came back to her. Her nerves tingled, sending an erotic message all over her body. Her nipples were stiff peaks beneath her T-shirt. She didn’t know what was more frustrating—a useless nightmare or an unfulfilled sex dream. So much for putting sex out of her mind.

  She thought of reaching over into the drawer to pull out her vibrator, but she was tired. She relaxed a little more as she moved her hand down over her stomach and into her pajama bottoms.

  She was already wet. She wished she could remember the dream that had gotten her so horny. She stroked her clit in small circles. Her other hand went up her shirt and rolled her nipple between her thumb and forefinger. Her hips wiggled and thrust in their own rhythm. She plunged two fingers inside herself, feeling the slippery desire coating her.

  As she rocked herself to orgasm, she glimpsed brief images of large hands caressing her. The guy in her fantasy was big but gentle. And faceless. She imagined his broad shoulders looming over her, his hands taking the place of hers. She tilted her head back and trained her mind’s eye to seek out his face. But it was too dark.

  He moved slowly, carefully, bringing her to the peak of orgasm and holding her there. Her hips jutted up off the bed and her muscles shook. She rode the orgasm through the shuddering and then rolled over.

  Masturbation took the edge off, but she knew it would be better with a partner. Being in control of her own orgasm limited her pleasure. She needed to be able to let go, but she didn’t know how. If only the guy in her dream became reality. Instinct told her he was someone she could trust to take her to new heights and hold her close as she came down.

  She dozed back to sleep wondering if she’d ever find that guy.

  Sunday dinner with the O’Learys was getting too big to fit in their family dining room. Maggie set the table and recounted the chairs. Brianna and Michael weren’t going to make it, but Colin had convinced Elizabeth she needed to come now that they were engaged. With Ryan and Quinn and Liam and Carmen, they should be fine. She had no idea what they were going to do when they all started having kids and needed more space. They’d made do at Christmas, but it had been crowded.

  The front door swung open and Liam and Carmen came in. Guilt tugged at Maggie. She’d met Carmen at Christmas and had been pretty rude to her. Nothing about her family seemed to faze Carmen, but if they were going to be seeing each other often, Maggie knew she needed to do more than pretend.

  She looked at Liam. “Did you remember dessert?”

  Carmen held up a plate. “I made flan.”

  “Interesting,” Maggie said, and eyed the dish. “Liam normally doesn’t let anyone mess with his dessert day. Mom might be disappointed it’s not cheesecake.”

  Carmen’s face fell and Liam shot her a look. “Rude” was all he said as he brushed past holding Carmen’s hand.

  Well, shit. She hadn’t been trying to be rude.

  Carmen’s brown eyes iced over. Looked like Maggie had an apology to make. Again. “Carmen, wait,” she called out to Carmen’s back.

  To her credit, Carmen released Liam’s hand and nodded for him to continue to the kitchen without her. She still held the dessert plate in front of her like a barrier.

  “I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m sure the flan is delicious. Mom is set in her ways. When it’s Moira’s turn, we have brownies. When it’s any of the guys except Liam, they stop at Blackstone’s bakery. Although now that Ryan has Quinn, there are cookies and sometimes chocolate cake. Mom counts on Liam for cheesecake.”

  “I guess that’s par for the course for me.”

  Maggie took a deep breath. “I suck at this. I want to apologize for the way I treated you at Christmas.”

  One of Carmen’s eyebrows rose.

  Not only had Maggie been mean to Carmen, she’d been borderline racist. “I know you heard what I said to Liam then, and I’m sorry. I was out of line and bitchy. I don’t want to make excuses, but I was overwhelmed, and it was easy to strike out at an outsider. I really didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “I wish I could believe that.”

  “I would tell you it won’t happen again, but it would be a lie. I don’t always think before opening my mouth. Take the comment about flan, for example.” Maggie had no other way to explain that she had nothing against Carmen. It wasn’t personal. She just didn’t like change, but for her big brother, she’d suck it up.

  “I get it, Maggie. It’s been tough, but I’m not going anywhere and I’m having a hard-enough time winning your mom over. I don’t need your crap.”

  “I’m turning over a new leaf. No crap.” She tilted her head toward the kitchen. “Let’s go say hi and put this in the fridge. So you and Liam are serious, huh?”

  “Yeah.” Carmen’s face broke into a huge smile, one
that expressed the love she had for Liam.

  Jealousy surged through Maggie.

  In the kitchen, she watched as Carmen awkwardly greeted Eileen and whatever jealousy existed faded. Her mom was . . . cordial. Lame, but it was the best word Maggie could think to fit. She felt bad for Carmen, and the guilt returned.

  Noise from the living room caught her attention, and Eileen rushed past them all because Ryan and Quinn arrived with the baby. No one could steal Eileen’s attention like baby Patrick. While she was gone, Liam took over the stove, which was another change. Mom never let anyone, even Liam, a trained chef, cook Sunday dinner.

  Carmen moved beside Liam, so Maggie left the room. In the living room, the rest of her siblings had congregated. Colin and Elizabeth must’ve come in right after Ryan. Everyone greeted her, but Maggie still felt out of place. How was it that these new women appeared more at ease with her family than she did? Everyone settled in and chatted while they waited for dinner.

  Maggie debated the best time to approach Ryan. Before dinner so he had time to cool off while they ate? Or after dinner because he’d be full and happy? She wished she could predict how he’d react. Forget it. She needed to get it out of the way.

  “Hey, Ry, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure.” He rose from his spot on the couch and followed her into the kitchen.

  Liam and Carmen looked at them, and Carmen tugged Liam’s elbow. “Let’s go see everyone else.”

  “What’s up?” Ryan asked once they had left.

  “I want to come back to work at the bar.”

  “What?”

  “I want to waitress. I need a job while I figure out what I’m going to do with my life.” One more thing on her list of getting herself un-fucked.

  “I can probably get you a spot at Twilight. Or Colin might need help at the bowling alley.”

  She didn’t want to work at Ryan’s other bar or at Colin’s place. “I want to work at O’Leary’s.”

  “Why?” Worry filled his face. She knew that look, lived with it for far too long.

  She released a slow breath. “Because I want to know I can.”