First Crush

by Linda Seed

  Bianca went about her days as though nothing had happened. At least, she tried to. She saw patients, did paperwork, took her clothes to the cleaners, met with her accountant, and kept up on her end of the household chores.

  She made dinner when it was her night, and she got her teeth cleaned on schedule.

  But she did all of it in a fog of pain, anger, and resentment as she tried not to think about TJ.

  “Are you sure you’re all right?” Sofia asked her, not for the first time, as Bianca was making sauce for pasta on her night to cook.

  “Yes, I’m all right.”

  “Because if you’re not …”

  “I wish you’d stop asking.” Bianca kept her eyes on the cutting board as she diced tomatoes, onions, and garlic.

  “If you want to talk, you know I’m here, right?” Sofia tried. “We all are.”

  Bianca knew that. It was impossible not to know that, since all of her sisters kept attempting to start a conversation about TJ and about Bianca’s heartbreak.

  She didn’t want to talk about it. Why should she? If she talked about it, she would feel all of the feelings she’d been trying so hard to suppress, and that just wasn’t acceptable. If she felt the feelings, then they would all come spilling out, filling up the world around her and drowning her.

  The feelings had to stay dammed up, walled in, under control.

  Because it wasn’t just sadness inside her, struggling to claw its way out. There was a fair amount of anger, too.

  Why shouldn’t she have what she wanted for once? Why shouldn’t she have a man who made her knees weak and her heart sing? Why should this, like every other romantic venture in her life, end in disappointment?

  But it had, and here she was. Again. Without a soulmate, without marriage, without the children she so desperately wanted.

  TJ had run without even asking her for an explanation, without even waiting to hear her side. He’d dismissed her to his mother, then he’d vanished at his first glimpse of that damned binder.

  He didn’t deserve her, she thought. If he did, he’d have waited to hear what she had to say. He’d have talked to her about what he did and did not want from a relationship. And he sure as shit would not have told his mother that what they had was nothing.

  Bianca hated that TJ had hurt her so much—and for the second time. In neither case had he done it maliciously. He’d simply failed to see her. He’d failed to take full account of her feelings, and of her worth.

  No more.

  Since she’d refused to talk about it to her sisters, they made erroneous assumptions one Friday night after work when Bianca emerged from her room dressed for a night out.

  “Oh, thank God.” Martina let her shoulders slump in a showy display of relief. “I’m so glad you and TJ worked things out. It’s about time.”

  “I’m not going out with TJ,” Bianca said.

  “Oh.” Benny cocked her head to one side, considering it. “You going to some charity thing, then? Children’s hospital auction or something?”

  Bianca considered being evasive, but what was the point?

  “I’m going out with Peter,” she told them.

  She’d called Peter a few days ago, when her loneliness and sadness had been too much for her and she’d opted to combat them with some kind of action. He’d repeated his offer about trying again, and Bianca had thought, why not? Why not Peter? It wasn’t as though she had another, more suitable man vying for her affections. Peter was the more suitable man, after all, and he was the only one who seemed to care.

  “Wait. Peter?” Martina looked alarmed.

  “Does Sofia know about this?” Benny demanded to know.

  Sofia, who was at Patrick’s place that night, did not know. If she had known, she’d have been trying to kick Bianca’s ass this very moment.

  “It’s none of Sofia’s business,” Bianca said. “Or yours, for that matter.”

  “Maybe she’s trying to make TJ jealous,” Benny said to Martina. “Which could work, actually. But only if he sees them together.” She turned to Bianca. “Where will you be? You want me to figure something out to get TJ over there? I’m sure there’s some way we could manage it.”

  “I’m not making anybody jealous. For God’s sake. I’m just going out with Peter, that’s all.” Bianca felt close to tears, but she didn’t want her sisters to know that. She needed to stop acting on emotion and start making smart choices. Choices that made sense.

  “Oh, Bianca.” The pity in Martina’s voice made Bianca want to throw something. Preferably at her sister.

  “Stop it. Both of you. I won’t be late. I’ll be back by eleven, eleven thirty at the latest.” A sensible time for a sensible date with a sensible man.

  “Way to live it up,” Benny said sarcastically.

  30

  That night, TJ heated up a frozen pizza and opened a bagged salad for himself and Owen. Gary was sitting on the kitchen floor patiently waiting for some morsel of food to fall.

  “What happened to Dr. Russo?” Owen asked. He was sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar, watching TJ prepare the food.

  “What do you mean?” TJ stopped, salad bag in hand, to look at his son. “You got referred to a specialist. I thought you knew you weren’t going to be seeing as much of her.”

  “I didn’t mean that, Dad. Duh. I meant, what happened to you going out with her?”

  TJ stopped, speechless. He’d mostly seen Bianca while Owen was at Penny’s. How did he even know about it?

  “Who told you I was dating Dr. Russo?” he asked. “I mean, yes, she came for dinner that one time, but that was hardly a date. It was … you know. Dinner.”

  “Grandma called Mom, and I heard them talking about it. I heard Mom’s side, anyway. She was saying stuff like, ‘Calm down, Lily.’ I think Grandma was pissed.”

  “Oh.” TJ wasn’t surprised that his mother had been angry about him seeing Bianca. He already knew that. But he was surprised that Penny and his mother still talked after the divorce. “Does that happen often? Grandma calling your mom, I mean?”

  “Sometimes.” Owen shrugged. “I think Grandma wants you and Mom to get back together.”

  TJ put down the bag of salad and focused on his son. “Is that what you want, too?”

  Owen let out a derisive puff of air and rolled his eyes. “Oh, jeez, no. I mean, I wish I didn’t have to go back and forth, and I miss my old school. But listening to you and Mom fight every day wasn’t exactly my idea of a great time.”

  “I guess not.” TJ felt a little bit ashamed of himself, knowing he’d put his son through that.

  “You’re nicer now,” Owen said.

  That came as a surprise to TJ. “I’m nicer? What do you mean?”

  Owen shrugged again. “You and Mom used to yell at each other, and then afterward, you’d be all tense and uptight.” Owen lifted his shoulders up toward his ears to demonstrate. “Like this. And every time you talked to me, it was like you were trying to act happy, but you weren’t really happy.”

  “Yeah.” TJ couldn’t argue, when the kid was right. “So … it doesn’t bother you that I was dating Dr. Russo? Bianca?”

  “No. She’s nice.” The shrug again. “And she’s a doctor, which is really cool. Plus, if Mom’s dating somebody, why shouldn’t you?”

  This last bit made TJ freeze, his mouth slightly open in shock. “Your mom is dating someone?”

  “For the last couple of weeks, yeah. She thinks I don’t know. Just like you thought I didn’t know. You guys must think I’m stupid or something.”

  At the moment, TJ was the one feeling stupid. All this time, he’d thought Penny was toiling away taking care of her mom, living the celibate life of a selfless caregiver. The thought that she was actually dating someone, probably having sex instead of spending all of her time with her mom, made him feel …

  Good.

  It made him feel good.

  He hadn’t realized how much guilt he’d felt about Penny caring for her dying
mother alone—or about him dating Bianca, for that matter—until Owen had raised the possibility that Penny might not be entirely miserable, after all. If she was seeing someone, maybe someone who made her happier than TJ had, then wasn’t it possible he could let go of the guilt? Wasn’t it possible he could get serious about seeking his own happiness?

  He still cared about Penny, and he wanted her to be happy. She hadn’t been happy with him. Why shouldn’t she be happy with someone else?

  “This guy your mom’s seeing,” TJ said. “Have you met him?”

  “Sure. He’s Grandma’s home health care guy. Comes over and takes her blood pressure and gives her medicine and stuff like that.”

  “Huh.” TJ considered that. “Is he nice?”

  “Yeah. I guess.” Owen picked up his phone and scrolled through his text messages while they talked—something TJ could never seem to get used to. “Grandma likes him a lot. He tells dumb jokes and makes her laugh, which is nice, because it kind of gets her mind off being sick.”

  “Huh,” TJ said again.

  What Owen had said didn’t change things with Bianca. Anyone who would make elaborate plans for a wedding to someone she’d just started dating had issues—issues TJ wanted to avoid as though they were a pile of exposed plutonium. But if Penny had moved on, and if Owen was really okay with TJ dating … then surely TJ could think about moving his life forward instead of just standing in one place.

  It was something to think about.

  Being with Peter was … fine.

  He’d taken her to a good restaurant, a new place down in Morro Bay with sleek furniture, subtle lighting, and cuisine described as “modern California fusion,” whatever that meant.

  The place was pleasant and the wine was good, and Peter was on his best behavior, having examined the menu online and decided what he wanted ahead of time.

  The mood between them was a little tense, maybe, but that was to be expected. It was, after all, their first time going out since Bianca had dumped him. The guy was handling himself remarkably well under the circumstances.

  “I’m glad we’re doing this.” Peter reached out and took Bianca’s hand on the tabletop. He rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. “I’m glad you decided to give us another chance.”

  The touch of Peter’s hand—the fact that it was his hand and not TJ’s—suddenly made Bianca want to cry. But thinking about TJ wasn’t going to get her anywhere. It wasn’t going to get her the things she wanted.

  “I’m just glad it’s not too late,” she said, her voice unsteady.

  “Never.” He grinned, squeezed her hand, and opened the wine menu. “Now, what do you say we spring for a bottle of the Ridge Vineyards white? It’s organic.”

  TJ was trying not to think about Bianca. He was trying so hard that he barely went out anymore because of the danger he might see her. He dropped Owen off at school every morning, went to work, and then went home, where Owen was waiting for him, having taken the bus home from school.

  He went to the Cookie Crock for groceries and did the necessary errands around town, but he tried to do it during times when Bianca would normally be at work. He only had to take such measures for a while, he figured. Eventually, he would stop thinking about her, and then he could go about his business normally.

  He didn’t know when that would be, but he hoped it would be soon, because the very idea of her was torturing him.

  She hadn’t called or texted him—that was one thing.

  He didn’t want her to call or text. Of course he didn’t. After seeing the binder, he’d done what any sensible person would do—he’d fled like he’d had an angry pit bull on his ass. And nothing about that had changed. If she did call or text, he would have to put her off for his own health and safety.

  Still, it bothered him that she hadn’t. Somehow, he’d thought she would get over what she’d heard him say at his mother’s house and would reach out to him. He’d mentally rehearsed what he would do when that happened.

  The fact that she hadn’t done that was puzzling. Did it mean she didn’t want him? Did it mean that she didn’t have feelings for him?

  None of that mattered, he reminded himself, because he was moving on. He’d heeded the red-flag warning of the binder, and he was turning his mind and his attentions toward other things.

  So why did it hurt so much?

  Some time after the binder incident, when he was having a pretty good day thinking about things other than Bianca, his mother called and shot his composure to hell.

  “What’s going on with you and that Bianca Russo?” she asked.

  The phrase—“that Bianca Russo”—suggested his mother still didn’t approve of any relationship he might have had with Bianca. Somehow, knowing he and his mother were on the same side for once did nothing to make him feel better.

  “Nothing’s going on,” he said truthfully. “Why?”

  “I just thought you should know she’s been stepping out on you.”

  Stepping out? It sounded like something one might do in a 1940s musical.

  “What do you mean?”

  Lily sighed theatrically. “Your father and I went to dinner at that new place in Morro Bay—the one next to the art gallery? The prices are far too high, if you ask me, and it wasn’t as though the food was so good it made it worth it. I told your father—”

  “Mom.” TJ squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for patience.

  “I’m just saying—”

  “Mom. What about Bianca?” He could feel the beginnings of a headache forming behind his eyes.

  “Oh. Yes. Well, she was there with some man. Holding hands with him, drinking wine, sharing a dessert. It was all very cozy. I was sure you didn’t know about it, and I don’t want you getting yourself all tied up in a knot over a woman who’s seeing someone else behind your back.”

  “I don’t … That’s not … What guy? What did he look like?” TJ was trying not to care, but he wasn’t managing it.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Early forties, I would guess. Medium brown hair. Glasses. He looked like a shoe salesman.”

  Peter.

  TJ felt as though he’d been stabbed in the chest, but he tried not to let on to his mother. “We’re not seeing each other anymore, so she can have dinner with whomever she wants.”

  “Oh.” Lily sounded surprised. “You’re not? Well … what happened?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” That part, at least, wasn’t deception.

  “But you’re … I mean … Is it … Was this your choice?” She was clearly trying to find out if he was okay, but she was dancing around it. It must have been hard to balance her glee that Bianca and TJ had split with her concern for her son’s possible broken heart.

  “It was mutual.” Because it had been, hadn’t it? He’d decided to stop seeing her, yes. But she hadn’t called or texted, and she was the one already dating someone else. They’d both bailed, but apparently TJ was the only one in a funk about it, feeling like shit.

  “Oh. Well, sweetheart, it’s for the best. Now you can start thinking about how to patch things up with Penny, because I really think—”

  “Mom. For the last time. Penny and I are not getting back together.”

  “But how do you know, honey? The two of you—”

  “She’s seeing someone. And you know what? I’m glad. She deserves to be happy. I didn’t make her happy, so I’m glad she found someone who could. And you should be, too.” The rightness of what he’d just said swelled up inside him and made him know, one hundred percent, the divorce had been the right thing and that they were both better off. He’d known it before, but he hadn’t felt it. Now he did.

  “Oh,” Lily said.

  “She deserves better than a failing marriage where everybody’s pissed off all the time. We both do,” he said.

  But he couldn't help thinking that what he really wanted was Bianca. He didn’t necessarily deserve her, but he wanted her.

  The binder, he reminded himself. If he pursu
ed Bianca after that, it would be like walking into a clearly labeled minefield. He’d only have himself to blame if he got blown to hell.

  31

  Sofia had been nagging Bianca about TJ and the binder since the moment he’d seen the thing and stormed off. Now, weeks later, she was still doing it.

  “This is really stupid.” Sofia and Bianca were at Bianca’s office before opening, getting ready for the day. “Obviously, if he hasn’t called you it’s because he was freaked out by seeing his name in there. He probably thinks it’s recent and you’re some kind of wigged-out, crazy—”

  “I get it,” Bianca assured her.

  “If you just tell him you did it when you were sixteen, he can’t possibly hold it against you. Everybody’s crazy when they’re sixteen. It’s expected.”

  “I suppose.” Bianca looked at a patient’s chart to avoid looking at her sister.

  “So why haven’t you told him yet?” Sofia demanded in an exasperated voice.

  “This is none of your business, Sofia.” Bianca sighed and put down the chart.

  “Like hell it’s none of my business. A, I’m the one who left out the binder that day, so it’s my fault. B, I’m the one who didn’t explain things to him the day it happened, like I should have. And C, I have to live with you and your misery.”

  “I’m not miserable,” Bianca lied.

  “Well, now you’re just making crap up,” Sofia accused.

  “Look.” Bianca took a seat at the reception desk next to where Sofia was sitting. “It’s just … It’s easier this way.”

  “Easier than what? Than having your kidney removed through your nose?”

  “Easier than …God. Than falling in love with him again and then hearing him tell his mother that he and I are … are nothing!” She threw her hands into the air in despair.

  Sofia’s eyes widened. “He said that? To his mother?”

  “Yes. He said that.”

  “And you’re in love with him again?”