Fix You

by Carrie Elks

  “I’m so mad at you.” Ruby sobbed into Hanna’s shoulder. “I need you to tell me why.” Hanna lifted Ruby’s face, kissing her cheek, feeling their tears intermingle. The lump in her throat grew so big she was finding it hard to speak.

  “I—” Hanna stopped herself, trying to think how to explain her actions. “When I found out I was pregnant, I called Richard to tell him. Caroline picked up his phone and told me about Meredith.”

  “About Meredith?” Ruby clarified.

  “About her not being able to walk, after the accident.” They were both breathing a little easier, and Hanna took Ruby’s hand and led her to the sofa. They sat down, knees touching, and continued to talk.

  “Meredith can walk.” Ruby was perplexed. “She couldn’t at first, after the accident, but she was soon up and okay.”

  Hanna shook her head. “No, Caroline told me she was confined to a wheelchair for life. That’s why I didn’t tell Richard, because I couldn’t bear for him to leave her for me.”

  Ruby was as still as a statue. “That’s not true.”

  “I did!” Hanna protested. “I called and I was going to tell him.”

  “I mean the part about Meredith. That was a lie. Caroline lied to you.”

  It was like Hanna’s heart stopped beating. Just about died in her chest cavity. Why the hell would Caroline lie to her about Meredith’s ability to walk? It didn’t make sense, unless she was trying to keep Hanna and Richard apart. Which would mean everything was a big, fat lie. The thought sickened her to the pit of her stomach. All those months of being alone, raising a child without a father was for nothing.

  Nothing.

  What the hell was she going to do? She’d lied to Richard by omission, thinking it was for the best, but really she’d stolen his son away from him. There was no way he’d ever forgive her for that. And there was no chance Hanna would ever forgive Caroline. She wanted to scratch her eyes out, scream at what her careless words had done. The bitch had stolen all of their futures.

  Hanna shook her head, the tears flooding from her eyes. “No.”

  “Yes. Meredith’s perfectly able to walk. She walked right out of Richard’s life.”

  “No!” Hanna screamed. “I didn’t tell him about Matty so he could spend his life with her. Taking care of her.”

  “Hanna, he finished things with Meredith nearly two years ago. He came to London and found you were gone. He was so angry; I can’t even tell you what it was like. I was scared he was going to break something, or himself. I didn’t dare tell him that we were still in touch by email.”

  Hanna wasn’t sure if she was going to vomit, or if she really needed that drink. Where the hell was Tom with her wine? She hoped he brought the bottle. If only she’d tried to call him again, or spoken to Ruby and let her know. She could be with Richard now, watching him play with his son, maybe rolling him a baseball or teaching him to kick a football. God, she was so desperate to go back and change everything.

  “He’s not with Meredith anymore?” Hanna felt the need to clarify. She wasn’t sure what she wanted the answer to be.

  “No. He’s not with anyone that I know of. Not that he talks to me about that sort of thing. I’ve been staying with him while I’m at Columbia.”

  “That’s nice, that you two reconnected.” Hanna’s response was automatic. The thinking part of her brain was still firmly stuck in Manhattan, in a penthouse apartment. She could almost see Matty running along the expensive wooden floor, his face lit up as Daddy came home after a day’s work. Another sob escaped Hanna’s throat as she realized this was a scene she would never get to see.

  “It’s been amazing.” Ruby’s eyes flashed with happy memories. Tom walked in carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses.

  “Is it safe to come in yet?” He asked, putting the glasses on the wooden coffee table, pouring the cold, pale wine into them.

  “We haven’t scratched each other’s eyes out, if that’s what you’re asking.” Ruby grabbed Hanna’s hand and squeezed tightly. “Now we just need to talk about how you’re going to explain this to Richard.”

  Hanna was still numb, unable to mold her thoughts into anything resembling sense. She let Ruby take the lead, submitting to her friend’s suggestions.

  “I’m not sure if he’ll even talk to you,” Ruby confessed. “On the rare occasion your name is mentioned, he usually leaves the room.”

  Hanna’s heart dropped. Of course he must hate her. Her last words to him, when they saw each other in New York, were a promise she would wait for him in London. No wonder he was so angry when he got there and she was gone.

  Again.

  Would he hate Matty, too? Her heart clenched at the thought of anybody despising her child, but if Richard was angry with Hanna, he could well reject his son. Matthew was the perfect combination of them both, in looks as well as temperament, and Richard would clearly be able to see Hanna’s half shining through.

  Either way, she couldn’t put it off any longer. It wasn’t her choice to make. She wanted to call him right now, spill the truth over the phone as soon as possible to make up for lost time. But it wasn’t the sort of news you gave when you were thousands of miles away.

  “I can’t tell him over the phone. I’ll have to fly to New York.” She pulled at a fingernail with her teeth. “I’m not sure how Matty will take to that, though.” Hanna could picture her son running up and down the aisle, screaming at the other passengers. The vision made her shudder.

  “Leave him here, with us,” Ruby suggested. “I’m desperate to get to know my nephew, and I know from his song that Tom’s already in love.”

  “He’s going through a clingy stage.” Hanna wavered. She could see the sense in Ruby’s suggestion. She just wasn’t sure she could bear to be without him.

  “Give us a couple of weeks to bond with him. If you think we’re up to the job, then you can fly to New York, tell Richard and fly right back here. I promise we’ll treat him like a king.” Ruby’s voice betrayed her excitement. Hanna softened as she saw Tom staring at her, his eyes burning brightly.

  “Will Richard even agree to see me?” Hanna wondered, knowing her words were tantamount to an agreement. Ruby leaned forward and hugged her tightly, her loud squeal making Hanna wince.

  “Probably not,” Ruby replied. “But I’ll call and make an appointment with him in my name. You can go and tell him at work. At least if he’s surrounded by people he can’t go completely crazy.”

  It seemed like Ruby had everything planned in her mind. In a couple of weeks, Hanna would be catching a plane to New York. Fear fought with excitement in her stomach, mixing with the alcohol she was knocking back. The thought of seeing Richard again made her legs shake.

  She would do it because he deserved to know about his son. She would do it because Matty deserved to have a father. Most of all, she would do it because she loved him so much, she thought her heart might burst.

  Twenty Two

  May 12th 2012

  It was early afternoon when the plane touched down at JFK. The landing was bumpy enough to make her already-queasy stomach lurch hard. For the first time in all her transatlantic trips, she was distinctly aware of her own mortality. Fears of what would happen to Matty if she died played havoc with her thought patterns.

  All the more reason to tell Richard, the snarky part of her brain informed her. Hanna quashed the thought.

  Even her own psyche was against her.

  She hadn’t bothered checking in any baggage. Her return flight was booked for the following day, and carry-on luggage would be enough for one night. Toiletries, makeup, and a change of clothes were all she needed until she could step foot in France again.

  The queue at immigration moved fast. Each step toward the glass booth was a step closer to telling Richard the most shocking news of his life, and Hanna felt the need to dawdle, to prevaricate. She fiddled with her dark-blue passport, wondering if she would have been better off using her European one. The queue was so much longer
on that side of the room.

  Closing her eyes, she remembered the way Ruby had hugged her before she left the villa in Nice. Her words of encouragement, whispered in Hanna’s ear, were enough to plant a seed of hope that eventually Richard might forgive her for running yet again. She hadn’t had time to nurture the seed yet; to let it bloom into any kind of plant. She hoped she wouldn’t kill it.

  “You’ve been out of the country for a while ma’am?” The immigration officer was tapping into his computer with his right hand, staring at Hanna’s passport, held open by his left.

  “I have joint nationality. I’ve been living in Europe.”

  “Are you planning to stay for a while?” He glanced up at her, his eyes inquiring.

  “Just until tomorrow. I’m meeting with a friend.”

  The officer closed her passport and handed it back to her. “I hope you have a nice stay, ma’am.” His eyes were already on the next passenger. Hanna picked up her bag and moved forward, through the barrier. She could feel time counting down like a ticker clock on New Year’s Eve. The thought made her excited and fearful.

  She bypassed the luggage carousel, making her way to the door that led into the main terminal. The air conditioning made her skin pucker with goose bumps, but from the look of the sun shining through the glass wall of the terminal, it was a beautiful, spring day.

  Standing in the line for a taxi, she practiced their conversation in her mind. Tell him as soon as possible, she reminded herself, if you beat around the bush he’s either going to throw you out or kill you. The news that he had a son was like a Band-Aid, and for Richard’s own sake, she needed to rip it off fast. She could deal with the wound later. To tear it away inch by inch wouldn’t save them any misery in the long run.

  Whatever she did, it was going to hurt.

  Getting to the front of the line, Hanna climbed into the yellow taxi, pulling her bag in behind her. The black vinyl seat was cold against her skin, and her eyes automatically met the driver’s in his rear-view mirror.

  “Where to?”

  “Financial district. Corner of Pine and Nassau.”

  “Maxwell Enterprises?” the driver clarified.

  “Yes, that’s correct.” Hanna prayed that Ruby had managed to sort out her security pass as promised. If she had to call up to Lisa to get it sorted out, Hanna had the feeling she might bolt.

  The journey was mercifully long. The streets were a tangle of cars and trucks, fumes angrily pumping out as vehicles remained stationary. Hanna sat back and listened to the music coming out of the cab’s stereo system, allowing the regular rhythm to calm her heart. In the years since she’d been here last, it looked like the taxis had been upgraded. There was a screen showing their exact location, occasionally interrupted by advertisements for local companies. Their slow progress was clear to see as she followed the flashing red dot along the streets.

  It was 3:00 p.m. local time when the cab pulled up on Pine. Hanna handed the driver sixty dollars, telling him to keep the change, and then opened the door, stepping out onto the street. The sounds didn’t seem as jarring as they used to—perhaps her year of living here had inured her to the cacophony. The familiar smell of exhaust fumes and food carts assaulted her nose in a delicious way.

  Her confidence seemed to have returned. In her skinny jeans and black t-shirt she was out of place amongst the grey suits, but rather than feeling inferior, she smiled a little, remembering that her own work seemed so much more fulfilling, and allowed her to stay at home with her son. In comparison the workers seemed like prisoners; their uniforms may have been classier and made-to-measure, but they were just as caged as a murderer in San Quentin.

  Security was surprisingly easy. Her name was on the list, and a pass had already been printed for her. She clipped it to the waistband of her jeans and headed for the bathroom, needing to give herself one final glance-over before she went up to his office.

  When she emerged—make-up touched up and hair calmed—Hanna made her way toward the bank of elevators at the corner of the lobby. She’d been here a few times before; when she was dating Richard before her mum died, and then later, when she was living in Manhattan. This time felt different. The walls seemed closer together, the elevator more ominous. Maybe it was she who had changed, rather than the building.

  Pausing outside the door to the outer office, she took a deep breath to bolster her resolve. Squaring her shoulders, she reached her hand out to push the handle down, rearranging her features into a neutral, unreadable expression.

  Then she walked in.

  “Hanna?” Lisa’s face indicated her confusion. The other two administrators in the room glanced up, their keyboard-tapping momentarily paused as their faces betrayed their interest. They must have been new; Hanna didn’t recognize them.

  “Hello, Lisa. How are you?” She’d always liked Richard’s assistant.

  “I’m good, thank you. And you?”

  Hanna tried to smile. “Fine. Is Richard available?”

  “He’s in meetings all afternoon. I don’t think he was expecting you.” Lisa’s response was polite as always. Her expression indicated her regret.

  “I’m his three-thirty. Ruby booked the appointment for me.”

  “Oh, that will explain it. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

  Hanna wanted to back right out of the room and hotfoot it back to JFK. Was she ready for this? She hadn’t seen him for so long. Everything about the situation made her nerves tingle. The light feeling of nausea that swirled around her stomach intensified. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to be sick.

  You are in control, she reminded herself. Tell him the news, give him a chance to digest it, and get out.

  She wasn’t going to panic; she wasn’t going to lose control. Hanna kept her breathing steady, even as her heart began to race. The last thing she needed was to collapse in his outer office.

  “You can go in.” Lisa’s voice brought her back to the present.

  “Can I leave my bag here?” Hanna indicated her small carry-on bag. Lisa took it with a smile, and gestured toward Richard’s door.

  This was it.

  Was she ready? Would she ever be? The only thing she knew for sure was that she owed it to Richard, and to Matty, to tell him the truth. She’d just have to deal with the fallout. One foot in front of the other, she crossed the room until she reached his door, her eyes caressing the familiar dark oak, fingers reaching out to let herself in.

  Hanna pushed the door open, the hinges creaking lightly under the pressure. The room had been redecorated at some point in the past year or two, the cream walls repainted a paler white, the furniture replaced with sleeker, modern lines. It made her sad to realize that life had gone on without her. How would Richard react when he discovered just how life had continued without him?

  “What are you doing here?”

  Richard was leaning on his desk, ankles crossed, his arms folded firmly in front of his chest. His suit jacket hung on a stand behind him. Though she tried not to look, she couldn’t help but follow the lines of his clothes all the way down his body.

  He had filled out nicely since she had last seen him. The thin cotton of his shirt clung to his biceps, skimming his taut abdomen as it tucked into his dress pants. His hips were still lean and tight, and she closed her eyes as she tried not to remember how they had felt between her thighs, as he had moved inside her, breathing softly in her ear, as she had moaned and whimpered and—

  She shook her head. She wasn’t standing in his large, oak-paneled office just to take a trip down memory lane, as pleasant as that might be. She had flown here, over three thousand miles, to tell him what he deserved to know.

  Inappropriate laughter bubbled up in her throat as she considered the ridiculous melodrama of the situation. Her 17-year-old self would be rolling her eyes, wondering how this 29-year-old woman had managed to turn a seemingly promising life into a soap opera.

  She glanced up at his face, looking at his lips, which had tur
ned down into a deep scowl. His eyes had narrowed beneath his brows, and his straight, patrician nose was slightly crinkled in response to her presence.

  The contempt he felt toward her was radiating from him.

  Hanna tried to keep her breathing steady, reminding herself that although she was in his office, on the penthouse floor of his building, this was her show.

  She was in control.

  If he viewed her with contempt now, God only knew how he would feel once he’d heard what she had to say. He had been an integral part of her life for so long—as a friend, a confidante, even a lover—but never before did he have the power to break her.

  “As nice as it is to see you,” he drawled, the tone of his voice making it patently clear that her being in his office was anything but nice, “I have a meeting in five minutes. Exactly what is it that you want?”

  He had no idea, but this was it. Time to open her mouth and tell him what he needed to hear. Her arms suddenly felt heavy, and her fingers trembled, a physical manifestation of her nervousness. Her laughter was replaced by something more unsettling as she tried to take in a deep breath and form the words that she had traveled all this way to say.

  Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She watched his gaze move down to her mouth. He stared at her with dark eyes, watching as her teeth drew in her bottom lip.

  “Richard.” Her voice was surprisingly strong. She could do this. She could tell him the truth, and then get the hell out of here.

  Back on a plane.

  Back home.

  Back to him.

  “Richard, we had a baby.”

  The silence that followed was palpable. Hanna could almost taste Richard’s confusion as she watched expressions flitting across his face. She had done what she came here to do—had told him the truth—and now she was preparing herself for the fallout.

  Richard remained frozen. She wondered if she should repeat herself. Her feet shuffled beneath her, wanting to move toward him, to get her close enough to touch him.