Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  “What?” I ask, typing out a quick Note to Self memo on my Sidekick. It sounds cheesy, I know, but I’ve found e-mailing myself is the best way to keep track of my crazy schedule. It also helps to have a Sidekick and a super-organized assistant like Nadine who watches my back.

  “I hope all this instant media love doesn’t give Alexis a huge ego,” Nadine says with a frown. She sidesteps the rack of shoes that wardrobe dropped off for me to try on and squeezes her slim torso around the large sack of fan mail that she’s sorting for autograph requests and the occasional craze-o letter that has to be turned over to the police. “Sky is right about one thing. Alexis is in every magazine this week being called the hottest new star on the tube and the best thing to happen to Family Affair in years.”

  “She is?” Jealousy begins to rear its ugly head again and I try to push the thought out of my mind. “Wow.”

  “It’s got to be overwhelming getting so much attention for your first acting job,” says Nadine. “I mean, what has she done before? A few commercials in Canada? Her head must be spinning. We’ve all seen what can happen to a teen star with amazing potential when their flame burns too bright too quickly. They crash and burn,” Nadine warns. “But I’m sure Alexis will be fine. The set gossip is probably wrong.”

  “What gossip?” I’m curious.

  “It’s stupid, really.” Nadine looks uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t be spreading rumors.”

  It goes against True You principles, but I don’t care. I want to know. “I won’t tell anyone,” I beg.

  Nadine sighs. “I overheard people whispering in wardrobe the other day about how Alexis is trying to butter up the writing staff to get more scenes,” she says. “Apparently she’s always bringing them cookies during meetings and stopping by to praise the lines they’ve written her.”

  “Really?” Huh. I never thought of doing that. I mean, I always thank the writers, but I’ve never baked them my famous caramel brownies or anything. I frown. “You think she’s really trying to get more airtime? She’s in plenty of scenes already.”

  Nadine shakes her head. “I’m sure people are just jealous of all the attention she’s getting,” she says. Nadine sticks the new issue of TV Tome in front of me. “Like this. Take a look at this article.”

  Fresh Face

  TV Tome’s Guide to the Blazing Stars of the New Season

  “Who’s that girl?” have been the words on everyone’s lips in the Tome office, where we can’t get enough of gorgeous redhead Alexis Holden, who plays secret-ridden Colby on this season’s Family Affair. The 17-year-old should spice up Summerville High, where fraternal twins Sam and Sara (eternally dueling costars Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie) walk the halls. Sure, the ratings are still stellar for this aging nighttime soap, but the addition of Alexis, as Paige’s (Melissa Ralton) possible long-lost illegitimate daughter, should add some juice to the stuck-in-a-rut storylines of the past few seasons (Sam and Sara go on a triple-date with their parents? Yawn). Alexis’s past seems as secret as Colby’s at this point — all the show mouthpieces will say is that she was handpicked by executive producer and creator Tom Pullman for the role and she hails from Vancouver, where she was raised by her single mom — but who cares? As long as the girl can act better than that nitwit who plays Penelope, we’ll TiVo in. (Family Affair airs Sundays at 9 PM EST.)

  I’m quiet for a moment. The article reminds me of a Hollywood Secret that is particularly worrisome. HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER ONE: There are a few telltale signs that a TV show’s days are numbered. One is when a head writer leaves (that hasn’t happened yet. Tom has been writing episodes for years). Another is when a show does a ton of stunt-casting. (Um . . . we did have Gwen Stefani drop by Family Affair last year. Hey, she’s a genuine fan!) The third is when a bunch of new characters are brought on board . . . oh no!

  “Do you think our show has gotten stale?” I ask worriedly. “Do you think that’s why they hired Alexis?” As much as I sometimes complain about my crazy life on a big TV show, I wouldn’t want it to disappear. You hear that, God? I actually love being on FA!

  “FA is the longest running primetime drama on TV and you have top twenty Nielsen ratings,” Nadine reassures me. “That’s not stale. I’m sure they just hired Alexis to pull off some new plot twists.”

  “You’re right.” I tell myself, “I’m sure we’ve got nothing to worry about with Alexis. She’s probably just trying to fit in and maybe extend her story arc for a bit.” I grin. “I can’t say I blame her. This is a pretty fun place to work — most of the time.”

  “Yeah, chauffeured rides, a fabulous assistant, a killer time slot — I would have to agree you have it pretty good.” Nadine grins.

  My stomach rumbles. “Hey, want to go over to crafty and see if they have any of that Oreo ice cream left?” Crafty is our nickname for craft services, which is basically a meal on wheels for the set. No matter what time of day it is you can find food, snacks, and drinks.

  “Aren’t you meeting Austin for dinner later?” Nadine asks.

  “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a snack now.” I race her to the door and fling it open. The long, sparsely decorated dressing room corridor is crowded as usual, with actors in costume racing to their next scene, crew members carrying scenery or equipment, and weary production assistants (we call them P.A.s) on their short lunch break. Nadine and I have barely taken two steps past Sky’s door, where loud alternative rock music is playing, when we hear my name, or some variation of it.

  “Kate-Kate! Katie-Kins! KAITLIN!” My mom is yelling this as she and my younger brother, Matty, run toward me. Mom’s in full work mode in a fitted white pantsuit that offsets her airbrush-tanned body. Her long honey-colored hair, dyed to match my own, is pulled into a ponytail. “There you are! We knew we’d find you hiding out in your dressing room e-mailing Austin for the hundredth time today.”

  I ignore the dig at my boyfriend. Mom seems to dislike Austin for the very reason I adore him — he’s not in the business. “Actually I’ve been memorizing my new script and now Nadine and I are off to get ice cream. Do you . . .” I stop midsentence at the sight of Matty. His hazel eyes are glazed over and the grin on his face is so wide, it could light up our whole soundstage. “What’s with Matt?”

  “We’ve got fantastic news!” Mom gushes. “We didn’t want to tell you till it was official, but guess who is a new recurring character on Family Affair?” She doesn’t wait for my answer. “YOUR BROTHER!”

  Wow. After years of Mom begging, fighting, and practically bribing the writers, Matty has finally managed to get on the show. I grab my younger clone — my whole blond, green-eyed family could be an advertisement for the sunny state of California — and give him a fierce hug. “Way to go, Matty! How’d it happen?”

  Matt takes a deep breath. “You know how I’m always asking you to get me a job here and Tom always tells you they don’t have any parts for a guy my age?” I nod. “Well, Tom called our agent last week and told him they were actually looking for someone this year and he wanted me to audition,” Matty says proudly. He’s dressed to the nines in gray pants, a burgundy vest, and a white button-down shirt. Very Justin Timberlake. “But Mom called Tom and made him promise not to show me any favoritism just because we’re related and hiring me would be a great public relations move. You know, because they’d be able to say they have two Burkes on the same show.”

  “How professional,” Nadine says lightly.

  Mom raises her eyebrow at Nadine in that menacing way of hers and Nadine clams up. Mom and Nadine don’t always see eye to eye on Mom’s showbiz tactics.

  “Anyway,” Matty says, “Tom and everyone there loved me. They said I was perfect for the part of Dylan, a new junior high student at Summerville High.” Our fake high school actually houses students in seventh to twelfth grade.

  “That is awesome!” I hug him again and he doesn’t fight me. “It will be nice having a built-in ally around here.”

  “I guess it will
be kind of cool to be known as Kaitlin Burke’s bro,” Matty admits. “As long as it doesn’t overshadow my performance.”

  “Of course.” I grin.

  “And this means we’ll have the same on-set tutor now,” Matty adds. “I can’t wait to give Donna the heave-ho.” Matt’s been homeschooled by a private tutor since kindergarten. Our parents said they knew he’d be a big star someday so why not just start with a tutor from day one?

  “Tell me more about this Dylan,” I prod my brother. “I don’t think I’ve heard of him yet.”

  “He’s this mysterious outsider who wants to hang out with Sam and Sara,” Matty explains breathlessly.

  “Oh wait,” I realize. “I think I heard Trevor talking about this. Is he the guy Ryan’s going to be tutoring? The geeky kid from the broken home?” Trevor Wainwright plays my boyfriend, Ryan, on the show.

  “I wouldn’t call him geeky,” Matty scoffs. “But yeah, that’s him.”

  “I probably got that part wrong,” I say quickly. “Anyway, this is great news, Matty. How many episodes are you on for?” I smile politely at a crewman passing by who is carrying Sheetrock and paint cans. Maybe he’s heading over to the FA wall of fame, in the soundstage entrance hall. That’s where there are larger-than-life, hand-painted drawings of the main cast members of our show. Tom swears they’re going to redo mine this year. The picture they have of me is from when I’m thirteen and have a mouth full of metal. It’s a painful reminder to walk past every day.

  “They said I’m on for eight,” Matt explains, watching the action swirl around him. “But since I’m only thirteen, child labor laws say I can only work five hours a day. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

  “How cruel,” Nadine agrees. I try to stifle a laugh. Nadine likes Matty, but he tried to get her to do assistant duties for him on the set of PYA (he had a small part as my character’s brother), and I think it left a sour taste in her mouth.

  “I know,” Matt complains, oblivious to Nadine’s sarcasm. “I mean, I’m sure they’d be willing to give me more lines if they didn’t have to write around these restrictions. They can’t get the full range of my talent on only five hours of . . . WHOA. Who is that?”

  We all turn and see Alexis Holden strutting toward us. Her long, flowing red hair (think the hair of a younger, prepartying Lindsay Lohan) bounces behind her as she struts past us in a formfitting black V-neck tank dress and knee-high stiletto boots. She looks way older than seventeen, as the bio Tom gave us claims she is. Alexis sees me and squeals.

  “KATE-KATE!” She gives me a big hug. “How are you doing? You were awesome in this morning’s scene. I wish I could be that cool and calm under the glare of the cameras.” She looks at my family and Nadine. “I love this girl.”

  “Thanks, but I’ve got a lot of practice. You’ll get there.” I blush. Gee, Sky has Alexis all wrong. She’s so nice! “Guys, this is Alexis, our new guest costar,” I add. “Mom, you know Alexis. She’s playing Colby. And this is my brother, Matty. He’s new this season too.”

  Alexis turns and squeezes Matty, shoving her chest into his face. The slight come-on can’t be helped since Alexis towers over Matt, but either way, Matty doesn’t move a muscle. His mouth is practically hitting the floor. “I’m so glad there is someone else new around here!” she gushes. “We have to stick together.” Matty nods.

  “So this is Alexis,” my mother swoons. “I’ve read so much about you already! You’re going to be a huge star just like my Kaitlin. I can feel it. Do you have representation, dear?”

  Alexis shakes her head. “The studio says I shouldn’t waste the money. They can do it for me.” Her voice is always a little raspy, like she just rolled out of bed.

  “That’s wonderful for now, but eventually you’ll want someone to manage you, I’m sure,” Mom presses. “Don’t hesitate to ask Kaitlin or Matty for my number.”

  “That’s so sweet.” Alexis takes my mother’s hand and squeezes it firmly. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

  “Nadine and I were just on our way to crafty,” I say. “Want to come?”

  “Oh, I wish I could, but I was just on my way to the writers’ room to bring them some cookies I made,” she says, pointing to the bag on her arm.

  “So you like to bake?” Nadine asks innocently.

  Alexis nods. “I used to love cooking for my friends back home. Baking for everybody here makes me a little less homesick,” she says, sounding sad. “What’s your favorite cookie? I’ll bake you guys something next.”

  Nadine and I quickly look at each other. I guess that set gossip was wrong. Alexis really is just trying to fit in. “You don’t have to do that,” I tell her. I don’t want to add that I’d probably eat the whole batch in one sitting and not be able to fit into wardrobe.

  “Are you sure?” Alexis asks. “The writing staff says I make a mean oatmeal raisin.” She laughs.

  “I’m positive,” I say, but inside, I feel a twinge of jealousy again. She’s brand-new and taking the set by storm. It’s hard not to feel slightly competitive.

  Maybe I will make those caramel brownies to bring in next week.

  “Have fun.” I smile.

  “I will,” she says. And with that, Alexis saunters off, leaving the group of us to gape at her model-perfect figure and runway-worthy exit.

  FRIDAY, 9/13

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Dinner w/ A, Liz & Josh @ Les Deux @ 8 PM

  *Have Nadine double-check reservation

  Mon. call time: on location in Malibu

  Hair & makeup @ 5 AM, pickup @ 6 AM

  Mon. @ 7 PM: J.T. bash @ Hyde

  Tues. call time: 6 AM

  Tues. @ 6 PM: Priceless Benefit

  Two: TGIF

  I’ve just discovered something about Hollywood hot spots: Just because you have a reservation doesn’t mean you can get in. Literally.

  “Are you sure this is where Les Deux is?” Liz frowns as she peers through the tinted glass windows of our Lincoln, her purple satin minidress shimmering in the glow of a nearby street lamp. Her olive face, dazzling with glitter foundation, is scrunched up in concentration, and her brown curly mane is tamed under one of her signature head scarves.

  “I think so,” I say and bite my lip. The hot Euro-style club and restaurant is as well known for its hard-to-find entrance as it is for its dessert. There’s a parking lot full of Beamers and Mercedes, so I know we’re close, but the nearby buildings look too nondescript to be Les Deux. I’ve only been here once for a party and the promoters ushered me in so quickly I didn’t get a good look at the outside.

  “Aren’t big stars like you given the secret code ahead of time?” teases Austin. He says this as he’s massaging my shoulders and it’s giving me goose bumps.

  “I’ll go look for it first,” my bodyguard/driver, Rodney, says. “Larry the Liar could be skulking nearby. I don’t care if it’s against the law to pummel the paparazzi. If that guy gets in Kate’s face again, I’m taking him down with one punch.”

  Rod could, too. Especially after his stunt training on PYA. (The film was Rod’s first big-screen stuntman credit. Rod’s goal is to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger. Minus the Governor title.) Rodney can be pretty intimidating with his 300-pound frame, bald head, and black sunglasses, but the big guy is a teddy bear when it comes to me.

  “It was an accident,” I remind him, thinking of the event last week when Larry the Liar tripped over the rope and smashed his Nikon D50 into my right cheek. The bluish-purple bruise has finally gone down; Shelly had a nasty time covering it with concealer.

  Suddenly I see someone walk out of a Craftsman-style bungalow at the edge of the parking lot. At first I think they’re just leaving their house, but what’s a home doing in a parking lot? Then I see two more people, dressed fabulously, exit with take-out bags. That’s it! “I remember where we go in,” I say excitedly. “It’s that building over there!”

  “I was beginning to worry we wouldn’t get to have any of those lemon cupcakes you rhapsodize
d about the whole way over,” Liz’s boyfriend, Josh, jokes. Even in a loose blue silk shirt, you can make out Josh’s defined upper body muscles.

  He’sakickboxer, just like Liz, and the two met several months ago, around the same time I met Austin. I love that the four of us double-date. It’s so adult.

  “You shouldn’t have worried,” Austin says, his mouth twitching. “The Burke name guarantees the presence of the paparazzi and admission to any venue.” He winks at me.

  I break into a huge grin. Austin loves teasing me about the perks of fame. And okay, I can admit it. Sometimes it really is fun being me.

  With the four of us behind him, Rodney walks us to the valet, who is guarding a long line of pretty people. How did we miss this crowd? Rodney whispers my name to the valet who turns and whispers it to a harried guy with a clipboard and the door opens to let us inside. People groan as we walk past them.

  “Have fun! Make sure you bring me a cupcake!” Rodney calls after us. “Or two!”

  A super-skinny hostess with a cute bob leads us past the gorgeous, modern lounge with rock walls and black leather booths, and onto the patio, where an old French film is being projected on the wall. A fountain bubbles in the middle of several couches and ottomans; trees and bushes dot the serene landscape. The girl seats us at a private set of leather couches and wordlessly hands us each a menu. “I’ll be back for your drink order,” she says before walking over to the outdoor bar.

  Salivating, I quickly scan the eats. The Italian menu looks delish, but I can’t help reading about the desserts first. Red velvet, lemon, carrot-pecan, and vanilla cupcakes . . . ahhh. I want to order them all. As I settle into the comfy couch, I feel my achy shoulders start to relax. I happily peek over my menu and stare at my boyfriend.

  Austin’s blond mop of hair is hanging over his turquoise eyes. As usual, he looks like he just walked out of an American Eagle ad. He’s wearing a button-down polo and dark brown khakis.