Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  Ralph doesn’t seem to hear me. “Kaitlin Burke. THE Kaitlin Burke! I can’t believe she’s talking to me.” He nudges Austin, who looks at me with a withering glance.

  “Kaitlin said you weren’t into celebrities,” Nadine quips.

  Ralph looks hurt. “I’m not,” he says quickly. “But it’s still cool, isn’t it? I have a secret with Kaitlin Burke. I can’t believe you’re taking my class, Kaitlin Burke.”

  Why does he keep saying my name like that? I avoid Nadine’s gaze. “Just call me Kaitlin, Ralph,” I say with a smile.

  “Okay, Kaitlin,” he says, still fidgeting with the pens. “Let’s get started.” Ralph leads the way to the sedan and we follow. Ralph turns around. “Uh, the others aren’t coming, are they? Because I have a lot of papers in the back of the car.”

  “No, not at all,” I say, looking at the three of them sternly. “They were just saying good luck.” Austin kisses my cheek and Rodney slurps his milk shake.

  “Before you go,” Nadine says loudly, “we need that confidentiality agreement.”

  Ralph looks flustered. He throws open the car door, grabs the paper sitting on top of his passenger seat, takes a pen from his pocket, and scrawls his signature. “Here.” He thrusts it at Nadine.

  “Thank you.” Nadine snatches the paper and puts it in her front pocket. “And remember, Kaitlin, we’ll be RIGHT HERE if you need us.” She glares at Ralph. I nod and head for the car.

  With the grilling over, I start to relax. I open the front door and breath in the strong lavender air freshener and slide onto the blue vinyl seat. I quickly buckle my seat belt and then trace my fingers along the dash, the steering wheel, and the radio. Wow. The driver’s seat. Cool! Just then the commander-in-chief ring tone blares from my cell phone. Laney. Ahhh! What do I do? If I don’t answer she’ll keep calling. I smile sheepishly at Ralph, grab the phone, and answer the call. “I can’t talk now,” I whisper.

  “WHAT?” Laney yells. I didn’t even know she got up this early. “I’M ON MY WAY TO MY TRAINER’S. WHERE ARE YOU? ON SET?” She must have the top down on her BMW convertible because the highway sounds much louder than usual.

  Ralph stares at me with a goofy grin. “Yep,” I lie. “I have to go.”

  “WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? YOU’RE ACTING STRANGE.”

  Oh God. Oh God. Ralph’s playing with his pocket protector again. The pens make a clicking sound when they bang together. He begins tapping his arm on the back of his seat impatiently. “Nothing! I swear. Just busy. I’ll call you later.”

  Laney cackles. “I’M JUST MESSING WITH YOU. I CALLED TO TELL YOU HOLLYWOOD NATION IS PRINTING A RETRACTION ON THE EXHAUSTION GARBAGE. I SAID, ‘KAITLIN BURKE IS A HUGE STAR AND YOU CAN’T TREAT HER THIS WAY.’ YOU DON’T HAVE TO THANK ME,” she adds.

  “Thanks anyway, Laney,” I reply gratefully. “But I’m about to walk on set and it’s really noisy here. I’ll try you later,” I yell, hanging up and quickly hitting the power button. I laugh nervously.

  “On set?” Ralph repeats. “Does someone not know you’re here?”

  “My publicist,” I admit. “And my parents. They were against the whole driving school thing. They wanted me to get a private instructor who teaches celebrities.”

  Ralph nods. “Overprotective,” he says. “A lot of parents are that way.” His pens click together again. The sound is kind of annoying. “But are yours more so than most? I’ve read your mom can be a bit of a barracuda, no offense.” He leans in closer and I lean back against my door to move away.

  “My mom’s like any mom of a . . .” I wrinkle my nose. “Mom of a . . . AH-CHOO! Teenager. Always worrying,” I say with a tight smile.

  “Are you tired of the spotlight, Kaitlin?” Ralph’s brow fur-rows as he stares deep into my eyes. “You can tell me if you want. I won’t tell anyone. The stress is getting to you, isn’t it?”

  What? What is he talking about? I look through the rear view window and see Nadine, Rodney, and Austin deep in conversation. Nadine is pointing to a paper in her hand and looks like she’s yelling. She picks up her cell phone and starts dialing. I don’t need to call them over, do I? Ralph is just being a little forward, that’s all. I’ve had fans do that before. “Should I start the car?” I ask, ignoring his questions.

  He looks disappointed. “Sure,” he mumbles.

  I turn the key and the car roars to life. I wait for my first instruction.

  “Now take your foot off the brake and ease on to the gas pedal. That’s the pedal on the right,” Ralph instructs me.

  “Today we’re going to stay in the parking lot. For the next class, I’ll take you out on the streets.”

  I pause. “Don’t you want to give me any safety precautions before I start?” I ask, feeling anxious.

  Ralph looks flustered. “Oh yeah, uh, I forgot. Well, you seem like a smart girl. After all, you’re a movie star. I’m sure you know everything already. I’ll tell you if you’re doing something wrong, okay? You can start driving.” He smiles and I can see the yellow stains on his teeth.

  What a weirdo. I guess he’s just nervous. I do as I’m told. My big foot lies heavily on the pedal and we lurch forward. Ralph almost smacks his head on the dashboard.

  “BRAKE! BRAKE!” Ralph says. “Okay, let’s start with something simple. Put your foot lightly on the gas again and let’s do some simple turns around the parking lot.”

  I steer slowly, putting my foot on the brake every time I see the speed dial go above twenty-five. I keep my eyes on the road, closing them only when I sneeze, which is a lot. After about ten minutes, I feel like I’m starting to get the hang of it. I’m driving! That’s when I realize Ralph is staring again. Not at the wheel or the road, but at me.

  “I have to ask you this,” Ralph prods. “Is it true you and Sky Mackenzie don’t get along?” He leans into me, but since the car is in motion, I really can’t do anything about it. He’s starting to make me nervous.

  “Gee, Ralph, I thought you knew nothing about celebrities,” I joke. “Why the sudden — AH-CHOO! — interest?” I desperately need a tissue.

  He laughs nervously. “I started reading up on you last week after you called,” Ralph says. “I wanted to know more about you so we’d have something to talk about.”

  Oh. I guess that makes sense. And he would have read about Sky. News about our feud is legendary. “AH-CHOO!” I feel myself sweating more profusely now that I’m out of the cold and I begin to feel dizzy.

  “So do you like her or not?” Ralph tries again.

  “Maybe we should try parallel parking,” I reply, jerking the wheel too hard. I recover and try to straighten out. My hands grip the steering wheel so tightly that I’m afraid to lift one off to wipe my sweaty brow. It’s definitely hot in here.

  “In a minute,” Ralph says insistently. “Come on, we’re friends, right? I have to know the truth. Do you like Sky or not?” He leans over again. Why does he keep doing that? I take my eyes off the road and stare at Ralph’s chest pocket. The pens are bulging out of the protector. For the first time I notice his pocket looks fat. Very fat. Fat enough to hold a tiny tape recorder. OH GOD.

  Before I say anything, I feel a bump. It feels like it’s coming from the backseat.

  “What was that?” I ask, alarmed.

  “Nothing,” Ralph says quickly. “Just a box. IT WON’T MOVE AGAIN.”

  Why is he yelling? Wait. There isn’t someone in the car with us, is there? I would have noticed, right? Right? But what if there is? ABORT! I have to get out of here, just in case. I steer the car toward Rodney and Nadine again and realize they’re running toward me. Nadine is waving her arms wildly. Since Austin is in the best shape, he’s way ahead of them, and he’s yelling, “STOP!”

  Something’s wrong. They know it. I know it. I’m starting to feel faint. Okay, don’t make it obvious, Kaitlin. Just get out of the car before Ralph sees your entourage freaking out. Walk away and you won’t cause a scene. “Ralph, I’m not feeling so — AH-CHOO! — hot. I’
m going to end the lesson here.”

  “What? No!” Ralph says sternly. “We’ve only been at this for ten minutes.” He changes his tone, his voice much softer now. “Come on! I’ve got so much else to ask you — I mean, teach you.”

  “No, I’ve got to go,” I interrupt. I can’t just jump out of the car since I’m behind the wheel. Instead, I focus on driving toward the Lincoln and pulling in behind it.

  “KAITLIN! STOP!” I hear Nadine yell.

  “Just five more minutes, please,” Ralph begs. He sees Nadine and Rodney barreling toward us and he looks like he’s sweating. “I haven’t even asked you about the Tom Pullman story in Hollywood Nation.”

  What? This is worse than I thought. WHY don’t I listen to Nadine? WHY? Haven’t I learned my lesson by now?

  “Sorry.” I halt the car and put it in park. I unbuckle my seat belt. “I don’t want to talk about it. This session is over.” My face is burning. I don’t know if it’s because I’m upset or if I’m not feeling well, but it’s taking all my energy not to tell Ralph where to put his Hollywood Nations.

  “NO. Wait!” Ralph begs, grabbing my arm a little too tightly. He locks the door with his free hand and I feel my throat constrict. This isn’t good. I push him off me and grasp for the door handle.

  Austin’s fists hit the closed window with a thud and Ralph and I jump.

  “GET OUT OF THE CAR, KAITLIN,” Austin yells in a scary voice I’ve never heard before. “NOW.”

  I don’t argue. I grasp the door handle. Then I hear . . .

  CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

  I whip around and see Macho Mark, from that Web site XLA.com, in the backseat taking pictures. “Hey, Kates,” he purrs.

  We call him Macho Mark because he’s vain — with good reason. He has short brown hair and always wears tight tees that show off pecs worthy of a star turn on General Hospital. He’s so cute that sometimes you forget to run from his camera.

  Now isn’t one of those times.

  “I knew it!” I scream at Ralph and unlock the door. “You sold me out!”

  “Do you know how much this lousy school pays?” Ralph says, his voice icy. “I had to call the tabs. Mark said he’d cut me a deal. A few pictures of you will cover my rent for a year!”

  “You’re awful, Ralph! I can’t believe I trusted you. Give me that camera,” I say, reaching blindly for Mark’s equipment.

  “No,” Ralph says, and before I can stop him, he has thrown the car in drive. In one quick move, his left leg is on the gas. I scream and thankfully Austin jumps out of the way before the car starts to move slowly.

  “What are you doing?” Macho Mark bellows. “You’re going to hurt someone!”

  “I’m getting you a few more minutes of pictures,” Ralph barks.

  In a fit of rage, I wrestle the steering wheel away from Ralph and that’s when it happens.

  BRAKE. GAS. BRAKE. SWERVE.

  BOOM!

  Steam rises over the dash and Ralph, Mark, and I look up in horror. Ralph’s sedan is pressed against our Lincoln, which has a huge dent in the rear bumper. OH NO! I look out the window and see Rodney’s hand instinctively cover his face. Rodney’s car! Our car! Oh God. I look around to make sure everyone — including Ralph and Mark — is okay. They look more shocked than anything. I burst into tears. I let out a loud sneeze and then have a huge coughing fit, which could be a panic attack. I’m not sure. My body is overheating. Is something burning?

  “Kaitlin! Kaitlin!” I hear Austin and the sound of Rodney and Nadine running behind him. He throws open the door while Ralph and Macho Mark are still in shock. “Are you okay?”

  “You idiot!” I hear Macho Mark say, smacking Ralph in the head. “That’s not how we do things. She could sue!”

  Austin guides me out. Mark shakes off the shock and he jumps out of the backseat to keep taking pictures. Rodney barrels past him. He’d probably like to deck him, but he can’t without risk of being sued. These photographers know all the loopholes and right now, we’re in public.

  UGH. Nadine was sooooooo right.

  “Not only am I an awful driver, but I’ve made another huge mess,” I sob.

  “Get out of here!” Nadine screams at the top of her lungs, making a scene as she starts with Ralph and Mark, whose camera keeps snapping. “You’ve crossed the line! We could sue for this!”

  “You’re too late,” Ralph gloats, pointing to his chest. “I have everything I need right here, on tape, just like the tabloids asked!”

  OH GOD. “I didn’t say anything! AH-CHOO!” I yell.

  Rodney throws me in the back of the Lincoln and Nadine and Austin pile in as Macho Mark keeps shooting. I want to scream at him, but that would just make things worse. Rodney screeches away and I hear Ralph scream, “Who’s going to fix my car?”

  “Kates, are you okay?” Nadine asks, her voice full of worry. “I knew it. I just KNEW it. Right after you pulled away, I felt compelled to look at Ralph’s confidentiality agreement. Look at what that jerk wrote.” Her hand is shaking as she holds out the paper for me to read. In sloppy handwriting, I see the words “Mickey Mouse.” “I tried calling you, but your phone was off,” she adds.

  A single tear falls onto the paper and I look up at Nadine and start to cry again. “I’m such a fool,” I wail.

  “Kates, don’t say that,” Nadine soothes. “You thought with your heart instead of your brain. It happens.” She smiles and wipes away a tear from my right eye. “Tell us what happened when you got in the car.”

  I quickly explain — interrupted by a series of gulps, sobs, and sneezes — about Ralph’s grilling, the fake pocket protector, and when I realized Macho Mark was in the car. I wait for Nadine to scream at me, but instead she says over and over, “Kates, I’m so sorry. I should have stopped you.” She puts her arm around me as Austin wraps Rodney’s sweat-shirt around my shivering body. “I didn’t want to be right.”

  “Kates, we’re taking you home,” Austin says. “You’re really sick.”

  I shake my head, and I feel too weary to even answer. “Maybe just a nap and then I’m going to work. Can’t miss work.” I groan. “Mom and Dad are going to kill me,” I sob, thinking of the twisted chrome on the Lincoln and Ralph’s dented sedan.

  “Ralph is probably already on the phone with Celebrity Insider and Mark’s photos will be online before we even get home,” Nadine says with disdain. “I’ve got to call Laney and try to fix things.” I close my eyes, too dizzy to think about how she’s going to want to kill me.

  “I’ll pay you for the car damage, Rodney,” I sob.

  “Don’t you worry, Kaitlin, we’ll take care of everything,” Rodney promises. “Right now, let’s just get you home and to bed.”

  I sit up and lay my head on Austin’s chest.

  Maybe when I wake up, this will have just been a really bad, AH . . . really bad . . . AH-AH-CHOO! Dream.

  FRIDAY, 10/12

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Pay back Rodney 4 damage.

  Think about asking Dad 4 an advance on allowance.

  Eight: Fever Hysteria

  101.7. That’s what the ear thermometer read when Anita took my temperature minutes after Austin carried me fire-man-style past my panic-stricken mother (“She’s sick? Are you sure? She doesn’t look ill.”) and tucked me into bed. Anita was steps behind him with a thermometer, Tylenol, ginger ale, and a phone, so that she could call my doctor and ask him to make a house call. But between Mom pestering Austin about Nadine’s whereabouts (she was calling Laney) and Dad asking whether I’d followed the proper protocol for calling in sick, Anita couldn’t hear a thing the doctor said. She got that constipated look she gets when she’s mad and ordered Austin (“Sweet dreams, Burke.”) and my parents (“Are you sure that thermometer is working right, Anita?”) out so that I could nap in peace.

  That lasted for exactly forty-five minutes.

  “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE SIGNED UP FOR A DRIVING CLASS BEHIND YOUR BACK?” My mother’s voice startles me out of a
deep sleep. “NADINE, ONCE YOU FOUND OUT, WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HER?” Nadine’s muffled voice seeps through the walls, but I can’t make out what she’s saying. I should be going down stairs, but my head hurts so much I can barely lift it off the pillow. Poor Nadine. She doesn’t need to take the brunt of this. Wait till she tells Mom about Ralph recording me and Macho . . .

  “MACHO MARK WAS IN THE CAR? HOW DID NO ONE REALIZE THAT MACHO MARK WAS IN THE CAR?” Mom screeches. “SHE DOESN’T NEED ANOTHER MEDIA FRENZY, NADINE! GET ME LANEY! GET ME LANEY RIGHT NOW!”

  UH-OH. I sit up a little too fast and feel dizzy. I hold on to my distressed white nightstand table, pull myself up, and make my way to the door. I stop for a quick rest next to my Orlando Bloom poster. I grab my sage green robe hanging on the back of the door and peek my head out. Nadine’s voice becomes clear enough that I can make out a few words. “Kaitlin . . . drive . . . Lincoln . . . dented . . .”

  “KAITLIN HIT OUR CAR?”

  “What kind of car was Kaitlin driving?” my dad asks, sounding not the least bit upset. If anything, he sounds excited to be discussing his favorite subject: automotives. “Did you catch the make or model?”

  “Mom? Dad?” I try to yell, but it comes out as a whisper. My body feels clammy and I’m too weak to walk the long hallway. Instead, I slump down on the cream-colored carpet and lean against Matt’s bedroom door. “Matty? Nadine? Anita?”

  “Wow, Nadine wasn’t kidding — you look like a ghost,” Matty observes as he bounds up the staircase in a rugby with a crisp white collar and carpenter-style jeans. His blond hair is hidden under a backward royal blue Dodgers cap.

  “What are you doing home?” I close my tired eyes.

  “Tom sent me.” Matty sighs. “When word got out that you were sick, somebody in the cast freaked out about germs and worried I would infect the whole set. Monique has to tutor me here today.” He pauses. “By the way, why are you lying in the hallway?”

  “I was trying to get downstairs to protect Nadine.” Did someone turn up the heat in here? “By somebody, do you mean Sky?” I ask.