If Ever

by Angie Stanton

  I stare at the monitor and watch myself explain how I tried to be perfect so my father would want me, but he still didn't. In the end I begged him to stay, but he walked out anyway. He left me behind in the U.S., a minor with no passport, and no way to follow him. I go on to tell the world how I moved in with my sick grandfather and took care of him until his death, and then lived out of his car.

  I watch myself say all of this in a very matter of fact manner, but in reality, as I stand here in the middle of an empty dance floor with my soul bared to the world, my heart is breaking all over again.

  On the video, I continue. "When I first discovered this song,"Stay,” I felt it was written about me, and the way the artist sings it holds so much pain. It's as if he was singing my pain."

  My voice on the video breaks, and my eyes well with tears. "So basically, I have abandonment issues and am always trying to please people. I usually end up disappointed and hurt. And now I'm on this show, which I clearly don't belong on, and every week I try to please everyone, the producers, you, the judges, and viewers, and every week I fail."

  The clip ends.

  Oh, God, what was I thinking to reveal all that?

  "Are you okay?" Dominic asks softly.

  I swipe away a tear. "Yeah." I turn to Tom who's watching me with a somber expression.

  The lights come up, and he begins to play. His tenor voice fills the studio, and between witnessing my video package and the comforting sound of his voice, my earlier fear is washed away. All I feel is the anguish of that day when after losing my mother, my father walked away.

  We hit our cue to come in. Dominic whispers moves in my ear but quickly realizes I don't need them. I'm in the moment and the steps come as naturally as breathing. I embrace the pain and sadness of my past.

  The first lift is smooth and fluid, as are the rest. Then we reach the transition where Dominic maneuvers me onto the piano for my brief solo. Before I can get nervous, Tom's voice crescendos and fills the room with the angst and torment I feel, sending me deeper into my painful past.

  I lose myself in the moves and at the exact perfect moment, I throw myself off the piano and into Dominic's waiting arms for a double spin around before he releases me into two pirouettes and then I drop to the floor. The number ends with him walking away, leaving me alone, devastated, under a single spotlight.

  The audience roars their approval as I take a moment there on the ballroom floor to pull myself together. Slowly I stand and fight back my emotions while trying to catch my breath. Dominic applauds me before leading us in a quick bow. We turn and gesture to Tom. He receives his own burst of applause. For an instant, his eyes meet mine, and I'm struck by the connection as if he truly understands my pain.

  Then Dominic puts his arm around me, giving my shoulder a supportive squeeze as he leads me to the judges. I'm a mess. The dance opened up an old wound.

  Nikki LaFlash cries at the beauty and vulnerability. Stephen applauds my bravery to portray painful emotions so honestly. Brice calls our performance a game changer and that my growth week to week is what this show is all about.

  Dominic kisses my temple and keeps his arm around me, which is good because I'm barely conscious of what's going on around me. After the comments, he leads us to the skybox for the scoring, and murmurs support in my ear as I shake off my emotional fog.

  Julie Mason gives a shout out to Thomas Evan Oliver for his phenomenal performance. The scores come in. We get tens from every judge.

  "I think they got it wrong, you better have them double check," I say.

  She laughs along with the rest of the contestants. Dominic swings me around as reality seeps back in. We did it.

  The rest of the show flies by. After the taping we're completing the post show interviews, and for the first time we have a long line of media. When it's over, Tom finds us.

  "Congratulations." He wraps me in a hug and I like how his arms feel holding me and notice how good he smells. "After seeing you so nervous, I wasn't sure you could pull off that performance, but you were brilliant. Absolutely brilliant."

  "Thanks." I smile. "We couldn't have done it without you." We pose for pictures, some with all three of us and a couple where Dominic steps out and it’s just me and Tom. Our attention is pulled away by a producer and afterwards I realize Tom has left.

  "Dominic, we forgot to invite him to the party. Oh my God, that was so rude. What do we do?" I desperately want him there.

  "Don't worry. I'll make sure he knows."

  8

  The press attention causes Dominic and I to arrive late to the post show party. We enter the restaurant to cheers from the cast for our perfect tens. I'm touched. The lights are low and the music pumping. Whatever's being served smells delicious.

  As the group turns back to their conversations, I spot Tom smiling at me from across the room. I wave. Cassie, the redheaded pro dancer is leaning in, she touches his arm to draw his attention back to her. When Tom excuses himself, Cassie frowns.

  He joins me, looking great in a pair of jeans and a button down shirt. "Thanks for the invite. You were absolutely smashing."

  "I'm so glad you made it," I say, suddenly nervous.

  "Can I buy you a drink?"

  "I'm pretty sure they're already paid for by the show."

  Tom laughs. "Yes, I know."

  "Oh. Right." We wander to the bar and I order a rum and Coke.

  He leans his elbow on the bar as we wait. "So how did you find my song?"

  "A friend from college spent a semester abroad in England and watched the show you were on. She showed me on YouTube."

  The bartender hands me my drink, and Tom leads us to a highboy. "It goes to show, you never know how one opportunity leads to another."

  His accent is mesmerizing with its romantic lilt and I could stay lost in it forever. "I also saw your performance on the Tony awards."

  "Yeah?"

  "You were amazing. I can't imagine how you could stand up there by yourself, knowing you're in front of millions of people."

  "I couldn't sleep the night before." He laughs. "But it's no different than you getting out there every week on national TV."

  "At least I'm not alone. I have Dominic to make sure I don't mess up too bad." But Tom's right. I am performing in front of millions, and yet I don't feel like the world is watching, only the people in the ballroom and that's bad enough.

  "Well, thank you for bringing me out here. As long as we're making confessions, you should know that I've been watching Celebrity Dance Off all season."

  "Really?"

  "One of my cast mates loves the show, and because Celebrity Dance Off airs on Monday nights, I'm free to watch. We always tune in on Tuesdays during intermission to see who's voted off."

  "That's so weird that professional performers would want to watch a show about amateurs."

  "Are you kidding? Live performances, amazing choreography, watching some schlepp with two left feet try to dance each week."

  "Yeah, that's me."

  "Not even close. I will admit though that at the beginning I didn't think you had a chance." He winces.

  "You and ten million other viewers." I laugh.

  "It made me root for you." He touches my hand. I smile. "You were the underdog, the unknown, and I know how intimidating this must have been for you."

  "It still is!"

  "Well, you've shown them all tonight." He raises his drink and we touch glasses. "You deserved every one of those tens."

  A new song plays and several of the dancers from the show spin onto the dance floor. I'm not sure if they're doing a rumba or a samba. Tom's hand appears in front of me. I stare at him.

  His smile is warm and casual. "Want to dance?"

  "Uh, I don't know." I utter. "I'm no good next to them."

  "That's crazy talk. You just scored perfect tens."

  Stepping back, I say, "I'm serious. I can't dance unless I've been given steps and a week of rehearsals." Talking with him is more than enough t
o make my night. I don’t need to ruin it by dancing poorly.

  "Me, either." He gestures to the dance floor.

  I take a sip of my rum and Coke, and we step onto the dance floor with his hand at the small of my back. The song is upbeat. But he swings me into his arms, guiding me around the dance floor. Surprisingly, I'm able to follow his lead. I guess all these weeks of dancing has paid off.

  The song changes to something slower and he transitions us into the new number. "Wow, you can really dance!" I exclaim, relaxing in his close proximity.

  He raises an eyebrow. "I am on Broadway."

  My mind goes blank. What does that have to do with dancing? Then my thoughts click. Broadway. Performing. Singing and dancing. "Oh my God. Of course!"

  He throws back his head and laughs. I lower my forehead to his chest to hide my embarrassment. Tom leans back and holds me away so I'm forced to look at him again.

  "I am such a moron. I've been in this Celebrity Dance Off bubble for too long. It's like anything outside of this show doesn't exist."

  He maneuvers me into a turn, pulls me back to him, and smiles. "I love how there's no fancy pretenses with you." He smiles.

  I'm so out of my element with this guy. I release his hand to make a quick escape. He catches me before I take two steps. "Oh no you don't. You're not bailing."

  "Now who's bossy?" I say, firmly and happily ensconced in his hold again.

  He smirks and when the song eventually ends, I'm disappointed. We join Dominic, Pavel and a couple others at a highboy. Tom is dragged away to meet someone and I pretend I don't miss him.

  Hank sidles up as the others leave for the buffet. "That was some performance tonight."

  "Thanks." His compliments always mean the most.

  "That video package was something." He holds my gaze. "You've been through fire and ice and come out all the stronger."

  "Is that what happened?" I laugh.

  His wise, old eyes see right through me. "You, my dear, are a survivor."

  I glance away, self-conscious. Tom is talking with Dominic. Dominic shakes his head and smiles, then pats Tom on the shoulder.

  Hank lifts his glass. "So it looks like you and Dominic are back in the race."

  I return my attention to Hank. "You looked pretty suave out there tonight," I say to change the subject. And then I see Cassie fawning over Tom again and turn my back so I don't have to watch.

  "I just let Sonya push me around the floor and whisper the steps in my ear. I'm getting too damn old to play with you kids." He shakes his head, as if ready to throw in the towel.

  "Hank. Don't say that. You're one of the few highlights of this show for me."

  He smirks. "I don't know. You seem to have found a new highlight of your own."

  "What are you talking about?"

  He tilts his head toward Tom who's now laughing with Cassie and her troupe friends two tables away.

  My heart warms at the sight of him, but he's distracted with the gorgeous pro dancers. "It was really amazing that he came out here to sing for us."

  "I'd say it was amazing in more ways than that. I've seen how you light up whenever he's around." Hank winks.

  If Hank noticed, has everyone else? My face falls. "Oh my God, do you think he knows?"

  "I damn well hope so. If he doesn't, the boy's a fool."

  I hang my head in embarrassment. "I should go back to my apartment."

  "Calm down. Every woman in the room turns into a giggling idiot when he's near. You didn't."

  Sure enough I glance at the women Tom's talking to. They're all grinning like fangirls, and Cassie gives out a laugh that sounds like a high-pitched cackle.

  "No worries, Chelsea. You were your lovely self."

  "You mean caustic self?"

  He pats my hand. "That's my girl. And if a man doesn't love you for that, he's the wrong one. Now let's get some food. I've only had one trip to the buffet, and my belly can hold plenty more."

  I mound my plate with little meatballs, stuffed mushrooms and quesadillas. Dominic and some of the others join Hank and I.

  I pretend not to watch Tom, but it's impossible not to notice him being maneuvered through the room. I swallow down a meatball along with a stab of jealousy. After twenty minutes of Hank and I speculating what the theme is for next week, Dominic, Sonya, and Pavel refuse to give us a hint, I finish my drink and reach for my handbag. "Hank, I'm going to head out."

  "I don't think so," he says.

  "I'm whipped. These long days are catching up with me." I don't usually relive my past for the world to see, and I truly am exhausted.

  Hank touches my arm. There’s a twinkle in his eye. "You're not going anywhere, sweetheart." He looks at something behind me. I turn and there is Tom with his easy smile and warm eyes. I fight to stay cool and not "light up" as Hank implied.

  "I thought I'd never get away from everyone. This is the chattiest cast I've ever met," Tom says.

  I force a smile. I wouldn't agree, but I'm also not the hot, British visitor from New York City.

  Hank drains his glass and slams it on the table. "Hang around long enough and they'll talk you to death. It's time for this old man to go home and take his pills."

  "I was just heading out myself," I say.

  "You can't leave. This is my last night in L.A.,” Tom says, and the tone of his voice and his playful eyes make me want to stay, but I also don't want to act the embarrassing fangirl.

  "I don't know. I've had a long day."

  "One more dance won't hurt." Tom cocks his head and looks so hopeful and sweet. I don't understand why he's giving me all this attention when the more polished and talented Cassie and crew are a couple tables away.

  Hank bumps my shoulder with his. "Chelsea, when a charming young man invites you dance, you don't say no. My God, you young kids are thicker than bricks." Hank shakes his head and moseys for the door, ignoring our laughter.

  "Well, when he puts it that way, how can I refuse?"

  Tom holds out a hand, and I place mine in his warm grip. As we reach the dance floor the music changes to a ballad and he sweeps me into his arms as if he planned it this way.

  The bar has thinned out, allowing us more room on the dance floor. Tom's breath warms my cheek. I inhale his cologne and wonder what it's called so I can secretly buy some and be reminded of him after he's gone.

  "Having a good time?" His steady hand on my lower back guides me.

  "I am. You?"

  "You bet. I actually know a couple of the pro dancers."

  "Who?"

  "Carlos was in a show with a friend of mine, and Cassie was in the ensemble of a show last year."

  The stab of jealousy strikes again. "I wondered if maybe you knew each other."

  He laughs. "Cassie is a terrific dancer, but subtlety is not one of her strong points." He spins us on the floor. Releasing my hand, he slips his to my waist dragging me closer. My heart flutters as I slide my arms around his neck, my arms resting on his shoulders. He feels great—so at ease, and yet in total control.

  Dominic has some of these qualities, but with him it's totally different, like dancing with a best friend. With Tom's face mere inches away, his arms draped around me, and his hands resting on my lower back, it's impossible not to be affected. I battle to keep my cool.

  He starts to sing along to the music. The low timber of his voice resonates in his chest and I feel the soft vibration as he gazes into my eyes. My breath hitches. "You don’t play fair."

  Tom chuckles knowing exactly what he’s doing to me. He leans back to look into my eyes. "Want me to stop?"

  "God no. I've never had a guy sing to me before, let alone someone with a voice like an angel, but don't look at me like that."

  "Like what?" He feigns innocence.

  "Like you're delving deep into my soul and stirring everything up."

  "I didn't know I held such power." He leans closer, so he isn't looking into my eyes, and sings. His voice tickles my ear. I lay my head on his shou
lder feeling a deeper connection now that we're practically skin to skin. I'm probably being too obvious about his effect on me, but when will I have an experience like this again? Anna would be proud that I'm putting myself out there. Plus, resisting this man is impossible.

  When the song ends, I hope for another slow song, but something poppy sounds through the speakers. He leans away and smiles and I wonder again why he's paying me so much attention. He releases me and we step back, a cool void separating us from the delicious cocoon we'd been in.

  We leave the dance floor. A nook with a crescent-shaped sofa has opened up. Tall plants surround it.

  "This looks nice." He guides me into the private alcove.

  "I feel like such a VIP," I say, sinking into the soft cushions.

  "You qualify," he says, getting comfortable next to me.

  "Hardly."

  A waitress takes our order. We lean back and put our feet up. "Tonight has been so much fun, but I'm exhausted."

  "Me too, and I didn't even dance."

  "But you sang the heck out of that song. Thank you again for that."

  "You need to stop thanking me. Getting the call to come to LA to sing on a hit network show was an amazing opportunity. Other than the Tonys, I've never been on primetime before."

  "Really?"

  "Nope. I've done a couple of national morning shows, but most of what I do is smaller regional stuff."

  The waitress delivers our drinks.

  "In that case, I'm glad to help." We clink glasses and drink.

  Tom is quiet. He's staring at the ice in his drink. "That video package they played before you danced was powerful."

  I sigh, embarrassed about my past. "I never thought they'd air it."

  He looks surprised.

  "No, really. They usually show me saying something dumb, messing up, or struggling to get along with Dominic. They've never shown anything that personal before."