If white people talk about their dogs it is essential you reassure them that their dogs are absolutely special and unique. Furiously agree that treating dogs like children is the only way to care for a pet. Under no circumstances should you ever say anything that is derogatory toward dogs, critical of spoiling dogs, or implies that dogs are not full members of society who deserve the same rights as humans. Doing any of these three things will completely destroy your relationships.
54 Kitchen Gadgets
White people are under a lot of pressure to enjoy cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have nice kitchens and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food. Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchens in order to live up to expectations.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press, and a blender. There will also be hand-powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But in order to truly enter into whitedom they need to own the holy grail of white kitchens—the KitchenAid stand mixer. They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find products for any possible kitchen task. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should mention the beautiful food that you hope you can eat together one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gangbusters.
If you find yourself locked in a conversation about kitchen gadgets, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention, “I find the consumer models to be poorly built, but my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is high quality. It’s where I get all my pans.”
If this is too big a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these terms: Le Creuset, Calphalon, All-Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur le Table. White people go so nuts when they hear these words. You won’t even have to finish your sentence.
55 Apologies
White people know that their ancestors did some messed-up things. As a result, it has become hardwired for them to apologize for almost anything.
In fact, white people are so used to apologizing that they start all sentences that might cause disagreement with “I’m sorry.” For example, “I’m sorry, but Garden State was a better film than Hard Eight.” In other cases, white people will apologize without being asked.
“Excuse me, Dylan. You dropped a piece of paper in front of my desk.”
“Oh, sorry about that!”
It’s just that easy! Just point it out and they’ll apologize.
Sometimes if you are out late at night and a white person irritates someone at a nightclub or a bar, the first thing they will do is apologize in rapid-fire mode in hopes it will stop them from getting their ass kicked. This technique has a surprisingly high success rate, as the aggressor immediately knows that fighting this person will be very easy and provide little satisfaction.
56 Lawyers
To understand why so many white people become lawyers, it is essential to understand the story and conflict behind every decision to enter law school.
When white people reach the final year of their arts degree they are faced with a horrible realization: their degree is worthless. This realization is especially harsh since most white people have spent the previous three years assuming that they would be immediately offered a six-figure job as a travel writer or film executive upon graduation. They soon realize that there are thousands of other white people moving to San Francisco and New York searching for work in publishing, other media, and the nonprofit sector.
As if this wasn’t enough of an insult, white people also learn that the salaries in these fields are not enough to support a white lifestyle. Organic food, trips to India, Priuses, microbrews, modern furniture, and condominiums are all very expensive and very essential to white people.
Without a trust fund, many white people are forced to figure out how they can somehow take their lemon of a degree and turn it into highly profitable lemonade. It does not take very long before they realize that law school is the answer to all their problems.
By attending law school, white people are able to make six figures without having to do math. They can also spend three more years in school and eventually move to a city of their choosing, where they will be greeted with a job and a standing invitation to drink with colleagues at a bar.
The latter is especially important, since TV and film have created a common white fantasy of being a lawyer, working late, then meeting friends at a bar where men have loosened their ties and women have opened a few buttons on their shirts. After drinking, they return home to a loft or modern condo, where they pour another drink before falling asleep.
Of course, this fantasy and career path only describes white people who are looking for respect, profit, and upward social mobility. They are regarded as some of the top people in white culture, but they can be trumped. If you are talking to a group of white people who are in or are planning to go to law school, it is important that you say, “I’m going to law school but I don’t want to be a lawyer.”
Not only does this prove that they are smart enough to go to law school, but it shows that they are motivated by more than just the crass pursuit of money. If you can follow it up by saying you plan to use your degree to help artists or poor people, you win.
57 Documentaries
It is a confirmed fact that white people make up the overwhelming majority of both documentary film makers and viewers. They just can’t get enough!
Within white culture the words “documentary filmmaker” are code for “unemployed.” With few deadlines and virtually no budget pressures, documentary filmmakers are able to spend upwards of eight years working on a film. When a white person lists this as their profession, you should never ask when the film is coming out, as it’s considered poor taste to put pressure on them.
As viewers, white people like to watch these films because it helps them to get a basic grasp on a complex issue in an hour or two.
After watching a political documentary, white people often feel as though they have learned enough to begin teaching others about what they saw in the film. Perhaps you noticed the increase in health-care policy scholars in 2007, or American foreign-policy experts in 2004, or gun-control pundits in 2002.
These are all references to white hero Michael Moore, the filmmaker who has produced a body of work responsible for reaffirming things that white people already believe in. Generally, white people get very excited about documentaries that will confirm they are right. Sadly, Moore’s ability to actually change the way people think has been marginal.
Sometimes white people will watch a documentary to learn about a new subject; these are called “foreign documentaries” and are an important part of white discourse. In fact, they are second only to celebrity endorsement in terms of creating white passion around a subject.
Be aware that an invitation to see a documentary film will often involve watching the film, suffering through a question-and-answer period, and potentially ending up with the filmmaker sleeping on your couch.
58 Japan
Though there is full white consensus on a number of white things, there is perhaps nothing that draws more universal white acclaim than the island nation of Japan. It should be noted that some white people harbor some ill will toward Japan because of whaling, killing dolphins, or the Rape of Nanking, but those are generally considered isolated incidents that do not indict the entire nation.
White people lo
ve Japan for a number of reasons. Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time in sushi restaurants enjoying the food, learning how to eat it, and most important, how to be snobby about it. This natural curiosity fills them with a need to pay a visit to Tsukiji and taste the freshest sushi possible.
But it goes beyond food. All white people either have taught/will teach/ wished they had taught English in Japan. It is a dream for them to go overseas and actually live in Japan. This helps them not only because it fills their need to travel, but it also enables them to gain important leverage over other white people at sushi restaurants when they can say, “This place is pretty good, but living in Japan really spoiled me. I’ve had such a hard time finding a really authentic place.”
White people also love Japan because of its tradition, futuristic cities, films, kawaii stuff, music, and writers. Many white nerds are into anime, so being too into this can be seen as a negative by white people. It’s best to have a passing familiarity with things like Hayao Miyazaki, who is universally accepted by white people. If they don’t know who he is, they will look him up and they won’t find weird violent or sexual cartoons.
If you find yourself in the midst of an awkward silence when talking to white people, just mention that you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them. This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves.
As with anime, you have to be careful about how much you like Japan. If you know how to speak Japanese you kind of ruin it for everyone else.
59 Natural Medicine
One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything. If you want to test this theory, think about which stores supply the bulk of natural/herbal remedies. That’s right! Whole Foods and organic co-ops!
Because of its rather shady history, white people do not trust the pharmaceutical industry. Using pretty sound logic, they believe that the drug companies have no motivation to find real cures for things like AIDS, since the real profits are in drugs like Viagra and Xanax. With their powers of deduction, white people have determined that herbal remedies are unilaterally better than anything produced by a drug company.
Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations. In this case, the reason that they are sick or fat or without energy is because the drug companies are in a conspiracy to keep them addicted to placebos. This helps them shed accountability and lets them feel like they are helping the environment by rejecting the polluting, greedy, awful drug companies and taking natural, organic medicine from the Earth.
But perhaps it goes deeper. Hundreds of years ago, another group of people believed firmly in natural medicine and its ability to cure disease. Then white people gave them blankets with smallpox, and they all died. So perhaps turning to natural medicine also helps white people feel better about killing natives.
How can you use this for gain? It’s easy! When white people you work with are feeling sick or say they have no energy, ask them to tell you more about their problems. After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country, “We cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made-up tree] root.”
Then the next day take them a small bag of basil or oregano and tell them to boil it in a tea (white people love to believe in magic teas) and see how they feel in the morning. One of two things will happen. They will either wake up feeling great because they want to feel great and they’ll thank you profusely, or they will wake up feeling like crap, and when you confront them at work, they will lie and say they feel good.
Either way, you did them a favor, so now they owe you a favor.
Note: It’s weird that there are some white people who won’t take aspirin but will take Ecstasy, cocaine, Xanax, and Vicodin.
60 Toyota Prius
Over the years, white people have gone through a number of official cars. In the ’80s it was the Saab and the Volvo. By the ’90s it was a Volkswagen Jetta or a Subaru 4WD station wagon. But these days there is only one car for white people; one car that defines all that they love: the Toyota Prius.
The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment or life changes other than having slightly less money.
The Toyota Prius gets 45 miles per gallon. That’s right, you can drive 45 miles and burn only one gallon of gasoline. So somehow, through marketing or perception, the Prius lets people think that driving their car is good for the environment. It’s a pretty sweet deal for white people. You can buy a car, continue to drive to work and to Barack Obama rallies, and still feel like you are helping the environment!
Some white people pull the ultimate move: Prius, Apple sticker on the back, iPod rocking, and Democratic candidate bumper sticker. Unstoppable!
There are a few ways you can use this to your advantage. If you are carpooling to an event or party you can always say, “Can we take your Prius? My car doesn’t get good mileage and I feel guilty driving it.” And bam! Free ride!
Also, if you see a white person in a Prius you can say, “Wow, it’s great to see that you’re doing something for the Earth.” The white person will feel very good about themself and offer to drive you home or to IKEA, or to drop you off at ’80s night.
61 Bicycles
A good place to find white people on a Saturday is at a bike shop. Bike shops are almost entirely staffed and patronized by white people!
But not all white people love bicycles in the same way. There is much diversity. First up, we have the younger urban white folks who absolutely love their fixed-gear bicycles. These are seen all over college towns, Silverlake in L.A., Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Queen West in Toronto, and Victoria, British Columbia. Fixed-gear bicycles meet a lot of requirements for white-person acceptance. They can be made from older (i.e., vintage) bicycles, thus allowing the rider to have a unique bike that is unlikely to be ridden by anyone else in town. They are also easily customizable with expensive things: Aerospoke rims, Phil Wood hubs, and Nitto parts. The combination of rare bicycles and expensive parts makes it easy for white people to judge other white people on the quality and originality of their bicycles. This is important in determining if someone is or isn’t cooler than you.
Some white people also like mountain bikes because they let them be in nature. It really isn’t any more complicated than that.
And finally, many white people love expensive road bikes and the accompanying Spandex uniforms. These enable them to ride long distances and to wear really tight clothes without any social stigma. This type of rider will spend upward of $5,000 on a bicycle and up to $400 on accessories but will not ride to work—perhaps because they cannot wear the Spandex there. It is important that you never question why someone needs a $5,000 bicycle, since the answer is always “performance.”
For the most part, these rules are unisex. But there is a special category of bicycle that appeals far more to white women: the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little café, visiting bakeries and cheese shops, and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends, who will all eat under a canopy decorated with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother used to do all these things when she was younger.
And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the Earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say, “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, the Earth.” Then give a thumbs-up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.
&
nbsp; 62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
White people spend a lot of time worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day. They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal-Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to community college or get a job instead of studying art at college.
It is a poorly kept secret that, deep down, white people believe that if given money and education, all poor people would be exactly like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.
A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the “whiter” option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal-Mart, and then this nonprofit organization came in and set up a special farmer’s co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal-Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in forty years.” White people will first ask which nonprofit, and are they hiring? They will be so filled with euphoria that they will invite you to more parties so you can tell this story to their friends.
WARNING: It is essential that you make it clear that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. To suggest anything to the contrary could crush white people and their hope for the future.
Stuff White People Like Page 6