63 Expensive Sandwiches
Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: What do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: eat expensive sandwiches.
If you need to find a cache of white people, get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press, and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese is mostly from Europe.
The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffeeshop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11:00 to 3:00).
If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was a special sandwich they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.
It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations, as it is very neutral and does not carry romantic connotations as sushi and breakfast do. So if a white person that you are interested in decides to invite you for a sandwich, do not assume it will lead to any sort of sexual conduct.
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they want to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.
Also note: White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.
64 Recycling
Recycling is part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the Earth without having to do that much.
Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties), and then when you’re done you just put it in a different bin from your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great. It’s so easy!
This is important because all white people feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, of course. Deep down they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. For many white people this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer, where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry gym clothes or a bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and will be emptied only when the person moves to a new home. Advanced recyclers use them as garbage bags.
If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say, “Where’s the recycling?” If you say, “We don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return, look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, so at this point you should say, “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100 percent of the time!
The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on a regular basis, either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe you do it.
65 Coed Sports
White people love being outside, but they don’t often have time for marathons or ten-mile bike rides. The answer is to play coed sports. This provides white people with a valuable opportunity to make friends with other white people and maybe even find a date.
Many white people play in their first coed league in college. It is considered good form to talk about how you played in one of these leagues, when the best player on your team was a girl. This will make everyone feel better and remind them of the benefits of supporting women’s athletics.
As white people move into careers, the coed leagues become important tools for bonding with co-workers and making valuable career connections. Popular coed sports include kickball, softball, flag football, and soccer. Although kickball used to be kind of cool, it’s sort of played out. So unless it’s work-related, it’s not really worth joining a kickball league anymore.
On the surface, these events seem like friendly contests, with everyone having a laugh. But danger lurks, and within them exists the possibility to ruin your reputation and hard-earned status with white people. It is key that you properly match your athletic ability to your surroundings.
If you are a poor athlete, rest easy. Coed sports were made for you! But if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your coed matches. If you try too hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball extra hard at someone), you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all, you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach it like a point-shaving basketball player—play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win.
If you follow these rules, you will find yourself invited to the mandatory postgame drinks at a local bar, where you will be photographed many times.
66 Divorce
If you are in a room with more than five white people it is a statistical certainty that at least two of them have divorced parents and at least one has an ex-wife or husband. The divorce rate among white people is sky-high, and it is one of the most easily exploited aspects of white culture.
The combination of alcohol and stories about divorce is the easiest and most efficient way to gain the trust and admiration of a white person. If your parents never divorced and you are required to lie, do not worry about being called out. White people spend most of their day waiting for opportunities to complain about their parents, and they will likely only ask questions about your scenario to be polite. Say whatever you like, they are only waiting for trigger expressions to enable them to return to their own story. Popular ones include unhappy, work, affair, tough time at school, and tied down. Say any of these and the white person will immediately redirect the conversation back to their situation.
When the night finally ends, you will be operating on a friendship level that normally takes eight to ten months.
If the white person is actually going through a divorce, do not be too concerned. A lifetime of difficult breakups has prepared them for the event. They are well equipped to become the center of attention for their friends and family. The best thing you can do in this scenario is to constantly reassure the white person that they deserve better. It will comfort them instantly. This is due to the fact that all white people believe they deserve more than they have. Hearing it from someone else helps to confirm the injustice of fate and gives them hope that they will eventually receive the sexual and career payday that is long overdue.
Finally, if you have a deceased parent do not bring it up when white people are talking about divorce. You will immediately be crowned the winner of the pain party, but you will also make all the white people feel bad for making such a big deal out of nonfatal divorce.
67 Standing Still at Concerts
Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack of their biopic. The problem is that most of the music white people like isn’t especially dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, love, breaking up with someone, not being able to date someone, or death.
So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concertgoing, as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to yourself. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you, just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.
The
result is Belle and Sebastian concerts, which essentially look more like a disorganized line of people than musical events.
If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do not expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands, although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.
Note: The addition of the drug Ecstasy changes everything.
68 Michel Gondry
When compiling the canon of directors that white people like, one must include Michel Gondry. He has directed such white classics as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. Oh, that’s right, Charlie Kaufman, Gael García Bernal, and Dave Chappelle—could it get any better for white people? Oh yes, it could.
You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for the White Stripes, Massive Attack, and Björk. These are three acts that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.
Between the ages of 16 and 20, all white people go through a phase in which they aspire to become a music-video director. This is followed shortly by a phase in which they want to become a regular director. In both cases, they don’t want to produce generic content, they want to create art. As a result, the two directors who have achieved this (Spike Jonze is the other) are universally beloved by white people.
If you look at the DVD collection of a white person (even one without a TV), you will find The Work of Director Michel Gondry.
This knowledge can be used to help find common ground with white people. Talk about how you wanted to direct music videos after you saw Michel Gondry’s video for “Around the World” by Daft Punk. Then make a joke about how foolish you were at that age, and everyone will have a good laugh. But they will also feel your pain about sacrificing your artistic dreams.
69 Mos Def
In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to kings and princes. These were the people they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with royal families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def.
He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (“He’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (“He was on Chappelle’s show!”), artistic (“Have you heard ‘Black on Both Sides’?”), an actor (“He’s in the new Gondry film!”), and not white (“I don’t see race”). He has done an amazing job of being in big-budget movies (The Italian Job) and having one of his songs (“Ms. Fat Booty”) become a white-person wedding staple but still retaining authenticity and credibility.
If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. That way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one-up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think, “I wish I had said that first.”
70 Difficult Breakups
Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long-term relationships that end very poorly. At some point you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.
The majority of white-person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps white people prepare for the pain that is coming.
Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person immediately becomes the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time they are permitted to talk at great length about themselves, listen to the Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think, “They shouldn’t be alone right now.”
It is imperative that you do not attempt to kick them out of their misery by saying things like “Get over it,” “There are other people out there,” or “I don’t want to read your poem.” Implying that there are things in the world more important to you than their breakup is considered one of the rudest actions possible.
If you are lucky enough to speak a second language, the best thing you can do for a white person in this situation is to give them an expression in that language that relates to breaking up. This will make them feel better since they are comforted by the gesture and happy to be learning a new expression that they can repeat to their friends.
71 Being the Only White Person Around
This concept ties heavily into #7, Diversity, and #19, International Travel, but it is important that you fully understand how white people view authenticity and experience.
In most situations, white people are very comforted by seeing their own kind. However, when they are eating at a new ethnic restaurant or traveling to a foreign nation, nothing spoils their fun more than seeing another white person.
Many white people will look into the window of an ethnic restaurant to see if there are other white people inside. It is determined to be an acceptable restaurant if the white people in there are accompanied by ethnic friends, but if there is a table occupied entirely by white people it is deemed unacceptable. The arrival of the “other white people” at either restaurants or vacation spots instantly means that lines will grow, authenticity will be lost, and the euphoria of being a cultural pioneer will be over.
Being aware of this can be extremely valuable in your efforts to gain the trust of white friends and co-workers. If you take a white person to an ethnic restaurant and another white person (or group of white people) shows up, you can lose all respect and trust that you have worked so hard to acquire. Do your best to find a table with a divider, or ask the waiter to put future white people out of sight.
Note: This does not apply to nightclubs.
72 Study Abroad
In addition to accumulating sexual partners, binge drinking, drug use, and learning, white people consider studying abroad to be one of the most important parts of a well-rounded college education.
Study abroad allows people to leave their current educational institution and spend a semester or a year in Europe or Australia. Though study abroad is offered to other places, these are the overwhelming favorites.
By attending school in another country, white people are technically living in another country. This is important, as it gives them the opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please. “When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.”
If you need to make up your own study-abroad experience, they all pretty much work the same way. You arrived in Australia not knowing anybody, you went out to the bar the first night and made a lot of friends, you had a short relationship with someone from a foreign country, you didn’t learn anything, and you acquired a taste for something (local food, beer, fruit). This latter point is important because you will need to be able to tell everyone how it is regrettably unavailable back home.
It is also important that you understand the study-abroad ranking system. Europe/Australia form the base level, then Asia, then South America, and finally the trump card, studying abroad in Tibet. Then there is the conversation killer of studying abroad—Africa. If you studied in Africa, it is usually a good idea to keep it quiet; it will remind white people that they were too scared to go and they will feel bad. Use this only in emergencies.
73 Gentrification
In general, white people love situations where they can’t lose. While this is already true for most of their lives, perhaps the safest bet a white person can make is to buy a house in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
White people like to live in these neighborhoods because they get credibility and
respect from other white people for living in a more “authentic” neighborhood where they are exposed to “true culture” every day. So whenever their friends mention their homes in the suburbs or wealthier urban areas, these people can say, “Oh, it’s so boring out there, so fake. In our neighborhood, things are just more real.” This superiority is important as white people jockey for position in their circle of friends. They are like modern-day Lewises and Clarks, except that instead of searching for the ocean, they are searching for old houses to renovate.
In a few years, if more white people start moving in, these initial trailblazers will sell their property for triple what they paid and move into an ultramodern home. Credibility or money; either way, they can’t lose!
When one of these white people tells you where they live, you should say, “Whoa, it’s pretty rough down there. I don’t think I could live there.” This will make them feel even better about their credibility and status as neighborhood pioneers.
74 Oscar Parties
One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one of these parties is your “foot in the door.”
Stuff White People Like Page 7