There are few positives for white men with red hair. They actually spend the majority of their lives dealing with the drawbacks of having red hair. These challenges emerge first during childhood, when it is common practice for white people to tease redheaded children (especially those with freckles). It is for this reason that all white people love any joke with the punchline “like a redheaded stepchild.”
For example, when talking to a white person about an upcoming sporting event, try saying, “We are going to beat that other team like a redheaded stepchild.” You will likely receive either a laugh or a knowing nod that you share their sense of humor.
In a situation where you need to befriend a white person, though it might be a bit presumptuous, it is considered acceptable form to greet a redheaded person by saying, “I had a rough childhood, too.” At first the redhead will be taken aback, but soon they will tell you all about how they were taunted mercilessly in middle school as people demanded to know and/or made up songs about the color of their pubic hair.
98 Noam Chomsky
If it were possible to dole out white sainthood, Noam Chomsky would certainly be one of the first people to receive the honor, along with Michael Stipe and Conan O’Brien.
Though Chomsky has long been a hero to white people for his work in linguistics, he entered into the rarefied air of white history with the publication of Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media (1988), co-written with Edward Herman. It is universally recognized in white culture as one of the key sources of all knowledge about the media and the power structure of the United States.
It is strongly recommended that you read this book, but remember, you do not need to read the entire book in order to impress white people. For maximum results with minimum effort, it is advised that you closely read one chapter and then quote directly from it whenever you are given the chance.
When you feel as though you are very comfortable with that chapter, you can move on to the advanced activity of telling a white person that they have “a rather basic understanding of Chomsky.” They will likely fight back, trying to save face by refuting your claim, but stand your ground. So long as you appear unshakable in your stance that they are wrong, they will back down. This is because deep down, white people are petrified that their understanding of cultural theorists is flawed.
Note: This method of reading a single chapter and posing as an expert will work with any theorist, the more obscure the better.
99 Non-Motorized Boating
White people often find their greatest moments of happiness near or in bodies of water. Rather than simply splash around and enjoy the day, they often seek out as many activities as possible that can enhance their water experience. Though swimming is an old favorite, few white people are willing to take vacations just for the opportunity to swim. No, when white people need to really enjoy the water, they get in a boat.
For white people, boating is like being able to camp on the water: you get to spend a lot of time either alone or with a few close friends, you have very little food, you might need to be rescued, and there is a reasonable chance that you might die at the hands of Nature.
The type of boat enjoyed by a white person can vary greatly by location and attitude. For example, white people who live near an ocean traditionally enjoy sailing, those near rivers prefer kayaking and rafting, and those near lakes generally enjoy rowboats and canoes. However, these are only preferences, and it is possible for any white person in any given location to enjoy one or all of these activities. Boats with motors are considered to be too popular with the wrong kind of white people and as such are not considered to be of any real value.
When you find out which type of boating a white person enjoys, your first instinct will be to search for some way to bring it up in conversation so that they will begin to trust you. But be absolutely careful: if you ask too many questions about boating, you are likely to be asked to join them “on the water sometime.” This is your one-way ticket to being trapped with them for hours with no escape and an expectation that you will row/paddle/help with the sails.
100 The Boston Red Sox
Though many would argue that the Chicago Cubs (see #30, Wrigley Field) are the top club for white people, the Boston Red Sox remain the undisputed white franchise. In fact, were it not for the players, there would be no recorded instances of a person of color wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey.
White people love the Red Sox for a number of very important reasons, one of which is the fact that they play in Fenway Park, one of baseball’s oldest and most iconic stadiums. This is viewed as the professional-sports equivalent of living in a Victorian house or a converted loft, both of which are highly desirable in the white community.
Though they are officially named the Boston Red Sox, the team is beloved by all of New England, including the popular white-people states of Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire. This gives them more white coverage than any other franchise in baseball, beating out the Seattle Mariners.
Sadly, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and in the process lost something more highly prized by white people than success: character. Prior to that date the franchise was afflicted with the “Curse of the Bambino,” brought on when a cheap owner sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920. The loss was a great one for white people, who for almost a century would tell it to anyone who would listen.
When dealing with a Red Sox fan, it is not hard to start a pleasant conversation. Just mention the team and they will likely tell you stories about how much they love the Red Sox and how the team used to break their heart every year. In fact the only ways you can upset a Red Sox fan are by mentioning that you like the Yankees or that they were the last Major League franchise to integrate. But mentioning you like the Yankees is still worse.
101 Scarves
White people’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent principles, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that may seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest, which solves the age-old problem of cold chest/hot arms. Another common combination is shorts and a sweatshirt, which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.
During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their necks—it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.
It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater, and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurrence to see a white person in a T-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. That’s right: a thin cotton T-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air-conditioning.
But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well-made scarf can be an essential part of a white person’s ensemble, allowing for the all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes, and thus enabling one to be picked out of a crowd for dating or mocking purposes.
“I like the guy with the glasses in the white American Apparel shirt.”
“Which one? There are eight.”
“The guy with the kaffiyeh.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”
In addition to making up a key part of the white person’s wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Knitted scarves can be created with relative ease, so many white people (especially women) like to knit them for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long-term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost-effective solution.
102 Cleanses
When white people are unable to blame their parents for their problems, they blame food additives. In fact, whenever a white person is feeling tired or depressed it is almost always linked to some sort of preservative in the food they eat. When this happens to a white person who only eats organic food, then the water or air supply can be easily substituted.
The only solution is to undergo a cleanse, whereby a white person will spend more than ten days consuming only a liquid mixture of water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. During this process they will tell you how much more energy they have and how great they feel. They are also likely to mention how their common ailments (pimples, back pain, insomnia) have all magically disappeared.
White people generally believe that these cleanses are a lot like doing a clean reinstall of the operating system on your computer: you get rid of the things you don’t want and you have a brand-new chance to start over and use only open-source or web-based software. In both cases you eventually slip back into bad habits and are likely to lose a few things you actually needed along the way.
Unfortunately the more “open” white people are likely to tell you exactly what has come out of them during the cleansing process: “Black liquid, like concentrated evil!” or “It looked like pantyhose filled with sausage.” They will also tell you how their body is breaking down and passing all the toxins of the past six months or year.
If you are roped into one of these conversations, it’s important you understand that white people are just looking to be told that they are being very healthy, or at least healthier than you. As such, the best response is to say, “Wow, I wish I had the willpower. I’m probably going to die at forty-five.” This will reaffirm that they are healthier than you and are more likely to live forever.
103 Self-Deprecating Humor
Every white person you meet thinks they are smarter than everyone they know. Because of this, there is nothing they hate more than someone who outwardly tries to prove that fact. Instead, they much prefer when people make jokes about themselves in an attempt to appear outwardly inferior. Within white culture, the ability to laugh at yourself is considered on par with your ability to recommend restaurants. In other words, it’s very important.
As with so many other things on this list, it’s another situation where white people are able to score a double victory. Often, by putting themselves down they are also secretly insulting the person they are speaking to. For example, when white people attempt to put themselves down by making a joke around working too hard and not having a social life, they are saying that anyone who does have a social life is probably working less than them. If a white person is a self-proclaimed “nerd,” all jokes around the topic are essentially their opportunity to say that they are smarter than you.
On the issue of money, if white people make jokes about not having any money, they are secretly criticizing those with money for not trying to be an artist or working for a nonprofit organization.
Within modern white society, this type of humor is considered essential for any sort of romantic success. When a white male says, “I’m so bad with girls, I think the Unabomber gets more girls than me. Do you remember that guy? I’ll bet he at least gets letters in jail.” If the woman he is talking to is even slightly interested, she will be drawn to him. White women prize the idea of a man who is confident enough to make jokes at his own expense. If she is not attracted to him, he can still win because she will want to set him up with other women who like men who make fun of themselves. He cannot lose.
Before you dive headfirst into the world of self-deprecating humor, it’s important that you only make fun of things about you that don’t really bother you. Making self-deprecating jokes about your family’s history of lung cancer or your battle against painkiller addiction should only be done around expert-level white people. If done around regular-level white people, you will likely be considered a “weird downer.”
On the whole, a good understanding of how to best put yourself down is essential to success in modern white situations.
104 Integrity
White people value nothing more in their musicians, artists, writers, directors, photographers, and publications than integrity. Many dictionaries define integrity as “a firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values,” but for white people, it can be more simply defined as “not selling out.”
“Selling out” is when an artist succeeds to the point where they are paid for their work and are exposed to a larger audience. This creates two big problems for a white person, the most immediate of which is the fact that this artist will now be enjoyed by a diverse group of people, including the wrong kind of white people. There is literally nothing more hated by white people.
Second, it serves as a reminder to the white person that he or she is not an artist. When white people like an artist who is not successful, they can enjoy the work knowing that they have more money and stability. They have made the more mature decision. When one of these artists succeeds and finds more money, it is a painful reminder of the sacrifice they made when they were younger. So when one of these artists succeeds, the only recourse that a white person has is to say “They sold out.”
When a white person says this around you, it is important that you do not say, “I wish we all had the integrity to be an associate copywriter. It takes guts.” Instead, it’s recommended that you either relate a story about an artist you used to like, or move the conversation toward a discussion about what you would do if you were offered the opportunity to sell out. If you are eager to impress this white person, say that you would take the money, then allow the white person to tell you how they would never put a dollar sign on their art. This will provide them much-needed comfort as they begin the long process of finding a new obscure artist to temporarily enjoy.
105 Pretending to Be a Canadian When Traveling Abroad
There are bits of advice that are universally distributed by white people: “Eat organic,” “Follow your dreams,” “Buy property.” But perhaps the one tip that all white people will pass on at some point is “Sew a Canadian flag on your backpack.”
The years following World War II have not been kind to the reputation of Americans. Often they are seen as boorish, loud, obnoxious, and uncultured. As such, they are seen as unworthy of proper service and access to the “most authentic” parts of a country.
At some point in the past twenty years, some American white people abroad likely saw a local yelling at another white person. After a few minutes the person pointed to their “Roots” shirt and the flag on their backpack and said, “But I’m Canadian,” whereupon the local’s frown was turned upside-down. The Canadian was then granted access to some sort of secret restaurant where they were served food that was so fresh, so local, and so authentic that it would be impossible to re-create anywhere else on Earth. This gave the Americans an idea. They sewed Canadian flags on their backpacks and watched the world open up to them.
The solution was perfect, since pretending to be Canadian required only a slight accent tweak (if any) and passing knowledge of a Canadian city. The latter was, and still is, far more difficult. Since that fateful time, anytime an American white person goes abroad they are likely to have a friend or relative tell them, “Pretend you’re Canadian.”
It also provides you with the best opportunity to earn the friendship of a white person. As soon as you find out that they are taking an extended vacation through Europe, Asia, or South America, go online and purchase a Canadian flag patch. Give this patch to the white person and you are sure to be included on mass e-mails and will likely receive some sort of trinket when they return.
Note: Canadian white people are given Canadian flag patches when they apply fo
r their passports.
106 The Criterion Collection
When a white person asks about your favorite film, you are really being asked whether or not you have taste. The second you open your mouth and mention a title, they will immediately pass judgment on you.
Choosing the right film can be tough. If you choose something that is too obscure or foreign you will be viewed as a threat, but choosing something too mainstream might make you look like a simpleton. The best thing you can do is to choose a film that is reasonably well known but is still considered artistic. Fortunately, there is a series of DVDs called the Criterion Collection that provides you with a handy list of films that are all acceptable to give as your favorite.
You might have noticed that many films are released in a regular edition and a Criterion Collection version. The latter is almost always more expensive, contains special features, and is conveniently packaged in a different way, which enables its owner to more easily display their superior knowledge of film.
If you tell a white person that you have recently purchased a DVD, nothing can deflate them faster than telling them you got the regular edition.
“I just bought Rear Window!”
“Criterion Collection?”
“No, the regular one.”
“Oh.”
Watch as their face drops along with their opinion of you. The only way to gain back their respect is to continually ask to borrow their Criterion copy of movies that you already own. This reminds them that they are more “into film” than you are, and you need them to help you figure out the correct way to entertain yourself.
Stuff White People Like Page 11