107 Natural Childbirth
The early years of a white person are exceptionally important. The severity and frequency of problems during this era can be directly tied to the amount of therapy and counseling required later in life. Because of this, white people are trying to do whatever they can to keep their children natural and happy, and this begins at birth.
In spite of thousands of years of human history, white people like to believe that they are the first person ever to have a child. Or at least the first to have a truly gifted, beautiful child. For white people, birthing is now a spiritual experience that must be treated appropriately. This means candles, water, doulas, and relaxing music. Modern white birth is essentially an extreme yoga class with more screaming, and it only ends when a child pops out.
This also means that the birth should take place without the aid of pain-relief drugs. It is essential that white children are born into a completely drug-free environment. This ensures that they will have a more powerful experience when they start taking drugs in high school.
When the birth is complete, everyone is left with a child, the smell of incense, self-satisfaction, and a placenta. Normally everything but the placenta will remain, but in recent years white people have started the interesting practice of eating this piece of afterbirth. Though theoretically this is cannibalism, many white people view it as the best in organic food. This is because during pregnancy white women will not eat sushi, drink alcohol, smoke, dye their hair, or engage in any other activities that might endanger the child. The result is an allegedly delicious, organic, grainfed placenta. It is unknown whether it is acceptable for vegans to eat this.
After learning that a white person is pregnant, it is a good idea to provide a list of recipes for placenta. Even if they do not plan to eat the placenta, they will view you as progressive and open to new things. If you can fake a recipe from your own culture, it is a certainty that the white person will use it, even if they were not planning on it. Other acceptable gifts include candles, a baby sling, and/or a Nature Sounds CD.
108 High School English Teachers
Though white parents do a good job of introducing their children to culture, literature, and creative writing, they can only take them so far before the inevitable rebellion sets in at 12 or 13. At this point, the parents must hand off their child to a high school English teacher, who is responsible for educating the child in literature, art, creative writing, and New York City.
Many white people will have up to four different high school English teachers during high school, so how do they choose the “one”? While you would think that this is a complicated procedure requiring the forging of a deep bond, ungraded poetry, and the lending of extracurricular books, it really isn’t so complicated. The way that a white person identifies the “chosen one” is dependent entirely on who guides them through The Catcher in the Rye. Simple as that.
The high school English teacher is instrumental in leading white people toward arts degrees and eventually careers in law, nonprofit, and media, or as high school English teachers. The latter course represents the “white circle of life.”
The importance of high school English teachers goes far beyond everyday life. They have inspired such classic films as Freedom Writers, Dangerous Minds, and Dead Poets Society. In fact, white people are so convinced that teaching high school English can make a difference that the U.S. government created “Teach for America” to accommodate the overwhelming demand from white people to teach underprivileged children about the importance of Faulkner.
But how is this information of any use in day-to-day dealing with white people? Its value is twofold. First, white people who are unhappy with their jobs will often say they wish to go to graduate school or to teach high school English. So whenever a white person is complaining to you about their job, giving them the advice to become a high school English teacher is always welcomed and appreciated. But most important, you can use this as an easy way to determine what type of white person you are dealing with. If you ask, “Who was your favorite teacher in high school?” and they respond “My gym teacher,” then you are dealing with the wrong type of white person. If they say “math” or “science” you should investigate further to see if you are actually speaking with a white person.
109 Native Wisdom
We’ve already seen how white people love religions that their parents don’t belong to, but that doesn’t mean that they will only take life advice from that religion. White people all seek wisdom from anyone who is from a different culture. For over fifty years, the undisputed champion of wisdom has been the Native American.
White people are loath to convert to any set of beliefs that fails to blend in with modern furniture, so they will rarely align themselves as Native American. However, they do appreciate the tips and advice passed on by Native American elders.
This advice is considered to be particularly powerful to white people who claim to have Native American ancestry. “The parable of the wolf and the hawk is particularly applicable to me since I’m one thirty-second Cherokee. It has really helped me to resolve the issues I’ve been having with my friend over whether or not it’s ethically acceptable to eat vegan food cooked in pots that have touched meat. I am at one with him now.”
If a white person ever tries to pass on Native wisdom to you, it is best that you nod in agreement. If they have Native ancestry, it’s advised that you ask them a few questions about it.
110 Trying Too Hard
If you like something—anything—there is a 100 percent chance that there is a white person out there who likes it more than you. It doesn’t matter what it is—Mandarin, sushi, marijuana, African music, hip-hop, television, Madagascar, or jai alai.
It is widely accepted that all white people feel the need to be an expert on something. Most white people will be satisfied with being recognized as the expert among their friends, but there are others who need to take it to an entirely different level. Encountering one of these people can be a jarring experience, and if you do not handle the situation just right you can quickly lose their friendship, or worse, appear arrogant to a group of white people.
The story is always the same. You will be in a group of people and casually mention something like “I really like Jimi Hendrix,” then out of the corner of the room you will hear “What’s your favorite album?” Just as you are preparing to give your answer, the person who asked will jump in with a rapid-fire series of questions: “Do you have Loose Ends? How much vinyl do you own? Did you get the bootlegs with B. B. King and Jim Morrison? Did you read Electric Gypsy?” and before you know it you are reeling and feeling as though you are the victim of some sort of inquisition. Your first reaction might be to call the person a nerd and tell them to “take it easy.” Though that might bring about a short-term laugh from the group, it will engender hate and resentment from the white person you have burned.
In the rare instance where you feel as though your knowledge is on par, do not, under any circumstance, engage them. You cannot win.
111 Portland, Oregon
Portland, Oregon, is essentially a Lord of the Flies scenario with white people in the Pacific Northwest instead of children in the South Pacific. In both cases, we have a situation whereby a homogenous group of people is left alone in an area with no one to keep them in check. Eventually the euphoria and self-congratulation devolves into savagery and murder.
Statistically, Portland, Oregon, is the whitest metropolis in the United States, and unsurprisingly, it’s also the most bike-friendly, vegan-friendly, GLBT-friendly city in America.
The low rents have made it highly desirable to freelance designers and artists, who no longer have to work 40-hour weeks to afford their lofts. Instead, they can use the rest of their time to focus on their art, check e-mail at local coffeeshops, and go to indie rock shows at the Crystal Ballroom.
But the appeal of Portland goes beyond the young. With affordable real estate prices, it attracts white people with chil
dren from Los Angeles, New York, Austin, Chicago, Boston, and San Francisco in droves. Each of them brings their own unique heritage, modern furniture, Prius, and recipe for vegetarian chili.
The city is expanding its bike lanes, adding to its light rail service, and registering more and more Democrats, and it is thriving. On the Lord of the Flies timeline, Portland has not reached the stage where they smash Piggy’s glasses, but there is a strong likelihood that the city will have mass riots and murder when the local grocery co-op runs out of organic wild salmon.
This knowledge is important, because whenever a white person complains about their city, you should always say, “Have you thought about moving to Portland?” This will comfort them as they tell you their plan to move there in a few years. But unless you make it clear that you are moving there to open some sort of ethnic restaurant, do not tell them that you plan to join them in the Rose City. It will make them uncomfortable.
112 Free Health Care
In spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine, so much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.
Before you can exploit this information for personal gain, it’s important that you understand why white people are so in love with free health care.
The first and most obvious reason is “They have it in Europe.” White people love all things European, and this is especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (rare beers, absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer). The fact that it’s available in Canada isn’t really that impressive, but it does contribute to their willingness to threaten to move there.
These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released Sicko, a documentary that contrasts the health-care industry in the United States with those of Canada, France, and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, gun control, or health care and then say, “Where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.
But the secret reason all white people love socialized medicine is that they love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as freelance designers/consultants/ copywriters/photographers/bloggers, open their own bookstores, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of Internet start-ups without having to worry about a benefits package. Though many of them would never follow this path, they appreciate having the option.
If you need to impress a white person, merely mention how you got hurt on a recent trip to Canada/England/Sweden and though you were a foreigner you received excellent and free health care. They will be very impressed and likely tell you about how the powerful drug and health-care lobbies are destroying everything.
Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone having equal access to the resources that will keep them alive. At least until they have to wait in line for an MRI. This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don’t have children.
113 Che Guevara
Though he would likely hate them all, white people cannot get enough of Che Guevara. They love his radical politics, his fight for the peasants, and his role in establishing the Communist government of Cuba, which has found varying degrees of success since its inception. But far and away his greatest contribution to white culture has been his ability to look good on a T-shirt.
Wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt tells the world that you are cool (it’s a T-shirt), you are left wing (he was a Communist!) and you look good in red (the shirt is always red). For bonus points, some white people like to pair the Che T-shirt with a sport coat and a pair of jeans. It’s the ultimate mix of business and peasant.
Though highly successful in T-shirt form, this has not been without problems. Many younger people are fairly confident that Che Guevara was created by the same guy who created Obey Giant.
Still, his dashing good looks and young death have made him a hero to upper-middle-class white people everywhere who hope to one day be able to pull off a beret in public.
When you encounter a white person with a Che T-shirt, it’s very important to approach them with the following understanding. White people would fondly embrace a Communist revolution if they were given jobs as writers, artists, photographers, filmmakers, politicians, or architects. So long as they don’t have to do manual labor, they share Che’s utopian vision!
Follow that simple rule and you will likely find a T-shirt of your own waiting for you at your desk on International Workers’ Day.
114 The New Yorker
The magazine industry relies heavily on white people, not only for staffing but also for subscriptions. White people love many magazines, including The Economist, Wired, Saveur, The Atlantic, and The Utne Reader. But without fail, the magazine that will get you the most respect from white people is The New Yorker.
The magazine is made up of many sections: letters, cultural listings, snippets, and extremely long articles. Toward the end of the magazine you will notice ads for many things that white people like, including summer study programs, language software, and berets.
When you first pick up The New Yorker, you will notice that there are not a lot of pictures. This is very important to white people, as it makes them feel smarter about reading it. However, do not assume that white people read every word of The New Yorker. Due to an abundance of words and the fact that the magazine is published weekly, white people have been subscribing to and not reading The New Yorker for more than seventy years.
Every white person is ashamed about letting their copies of the magazine pile up, and this is your ticket to common ground.
Once you have successfully moved the conversation to a place where you can reference the magazine, it’s a fantastic move to say, “I need to take a week off just so I can get caught up on the issues piling up next to my bed.” Once the white person has realized that they are not alone, they will confess their shame to you and feel a deep connection.
Conversely, this information can be used to raise your status at the expense of another white person. Prior to meeting them, read one article in The New Yorker, paying extra attention to the end of the article (the part that is continued in the back). When you meet the white person, attempt to engage them about this part of the article and ask them questions. Be prepared for the white person to lie or try to change the subject. Do not give up.
When it finally becomes obvious that they have not read it, try to be apologetic and pretend as though you honestly thought they had read it and you didn’t mean to call them out. This will show the rest of the group that you are kind but also smarter than the person you just burned.
115 Non-American News Sources
White people love to talk about the news. It is an excellent way for them to show off how knowledgeable they are about current affairs. If you plan on spending large amounts of time with white people you will be expected to have some understanding of current events and strong opinions about them. Of course, you will be expected to initiate and back up your salient points with evidence from a reputable news source.
News sources are ranked on a strict hierarchy, and your choice in the matter can be the difference between respect and mockery. Generally speaking, foreign news sources cannot be topped in terms of quality and status. The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) is the gold standard since it’s foreign, available on PBS, and focused strictly on international news (always the best). If a white person starts talking about a “piece they saw on the BBC about Sumatra,” it can be almost impossible to trump them. However, there is an ace in the hole that should only be used in emergencies—when respect and status lie in the critical balance.
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If you can properly cite a foreign news source in a foreign language you will be viewed in the highest regard. “Oh, that piece on the BBC was good, but I saw this amazing story on TV5/RTL/RAI/NHK that really opened my eyes on the subject. I have to pay an extra fifteen dollars a month for the channel, but it really is worth it. It’s one of the few ways I can keep up my French/German/Italian/Japanese in this country.”
A white person might respond by saying they do not own a TV, but that is essentially a last-ditch effort to save face.
A final note: If you do need to cite an American news source, CNN and MSNBC are acceptable, though not encouraged. Major networks such as ABC, NBC, and CBS are fairly neutral, although mentioning local news will speak poorly of your intelligence. Most important, if you even mention Fox News you will have lost respect and credibility to such a high degree that you might have to move.
In fact, it is a good idea to tell white people that you have called your cable company and asked it to remove Fox News from your programming package, and that it was done at a considerable cost.
116 Subtitles
We already know that film is very important to the cultural development of white people. So when you are talking to them about films, it’s essential to understand a few rules.
Stuff White People Like Page 12