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Stuff White People Like

Page 15

by Christian Lander


  But the most important reason white parents are tripping over themselves for foreign babies is that they know it’s their last chance to adopt another culture. When they chose to marry another white person, they gave up their opportunity to marry someone from a different race and culture. This essentially robbed them of their opportunity to learn a new language, a new cuisine, and a new wardrobe, and an excuse to repeatedly travel to a foreign country to “recharge.” But a foreign child puts all of this right back into play!

  White parents know that their role is not to merely assimilate the child and fool him or her into thinking that they are blood relatives. Instead, they must raise the child to be aware of his or her heritage and unique culture. For white parents this means new music! Language classes! Cooking classes! And at least a yearly trip to the child’s homeland, with which the parents have formed a deep bond.

  At dinner parties, playgrounds, and school functions the parents can now be experts on Vietnam or China or Sierra Leone. No amount of travel can compare to the expertise acquired by raising a child. Not even study abroad can trump this one.

  If a white couple has adopted a child from your homeland, be prepared to have your culture thrown back at you with the force of a hurricane. In this situation it is advisable that you tell the parents what a great job they are doing keeping the child connected to his or her heritage. For extra credit, say that the child is more [insert country] than you were growing up. You will instantly jump to the top of any friend list.

  The important thing to remember when you see a white couple with a foreign child is to ask about the country the child came from. They will have a very long and likely tragic story that should always end with you saying, “And now he/she is here with you. It’s amazing how the world works itself out.” Saying this means that you can count on the couple to give you a kidney if you should ever need one.

  134 LEED Certification

  Labels are important to white people. Organic labels on food help them determine what to eat, T-shirts are like body labels that help them determine who to date, Apple labels help them buy electronics, the McSweeney’s label helps them determine what to read, and indie labels help to ensure quality in music. But what about buildings? How do you know if the building you are in has been made according to the exacting standards that you apply to your coffee? Thankfully, LEED has stepped in to help make sure that white people can even make their buildings feel superior.

  LEED stands for Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design, which has emerged as the preeminent organization for setting energy and environmental standards for architecture and building construction. Architects who plan on serving a mostly white market can become LEED-accredited and immediately start selling themselves as environmental architects. LEED architect is probably the most respected job (excluding any kind of artist) that a white person can have.

  Buildings can also be retrofitted with changes to become LEED-certified, which essentially means that they are acceptable for white people to enter.

  It is important to familiarize yourself with LEED standards so that if you are ever invited to a vegetarian’s house for dinner and they start bugging you about the environmental impact of eating meat, you can ask them if their place is LEED-certified. “Oh, it’s not? I would say those in a glass house shouldn’t cast stones, but I think a glass house would be more energy efficient than this one.”

  135 Expensive Strollers

  To help prepare their children for a lifetime of driving expensive cars, white parents like to make sure that they are pushed around in the most expensive of European strollers. Though it could also be said that the lack of European luxury hybrids has forced white parents into using those funds to purchase the most expensive possible alternative-energy vehicle. The energy is considered alternative since it comes from a nanny.

  It is simply understood that strollers start at $800, and it is not wise to question this. In fact, it has been shown that white children who are pushed around in substandard strollers often grow up to be only marginally gifted.

  The best thing you can do is to wait until a white person has had their second child. Find out when they are likely to stop needing the stroller and plan your first child around this event. A free stroller is a free stroller.

  136 Singer-Songwriters

  White people enjoy a variety of music, ranging from indie rock all the way to underground hip-hop, but of all musical performers, the top-ranked are usually singer-songwriters.

  Singer-songwriters generally fall into two categories: guy with acoustic guitar or girl on piano. Sometimes there are exceptions, like Ani DiFranco (girl/guitar) or Rufus Wainwright (guy/piano), who are both very acceptable to white people and are safe to list as your favorite musician.

  For the most part, singer-songwriters perform their own songs, which reflect their life experiences and observations on modern life in New York City, Portland, or San Francisco. White people enjoy hearing about others who have gone through problems similar to theirs and like to try to match them to their own lives. For example, when a white person leaves for college, they like to listen to a song that talks about leaving something behind or is equally applicable to the situation. In this case “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes would be applicable, since it can be interpreted as the first day of college being like the first day of real life. This is also very common during difficult breakups.

  WARNING: If you ever make a mix for someone, be careful not to put any songs by a singer-songwriter on there, because the recipient will attempt to interpret the lyrics in an effort to uncover your true feelings. Then things will get weird. Best to stick with the Kinks.

  137 Eating Outside

  It is a rule in white culture that if something is done outside, it is vastly improved. Reading, working, and holding a philosophy class are activities that are significantly improved by being done outside. But nothing sees a more significant boost in enjoyment by venturing outdoors than eating.

  Picnics and cookouts have been a staple of white culture for years. When these activities involve groups, they essentially function as an outdoor dinner party offering a whole new set of things to judge, like patio furniture, themed alcohol, and quality of food.

  But nothing excites white people more than restaurant patios. Of course, there are many different types of outdoor dining options, and it’s important to be aware of the major differences. For breakfast and lunch, white people generally embrace the sidewalk café. This enables them to enjoy the day, show off to passersby, and, even if only for a minute, pretend they are in Europe. Few better things can be said in one of these situations than “This reminds me of a delightful place I used to go to in France.”

  When day turns to night, the cafés are replaced by patios. White people will base their entire evening around trying to figure out which bar has the best patio scene. In fact, after ’80s night, there may be no better white activity than drinking in an outdoor bar.

  However, as much as white people love being outside, they also hate slight discomfort. So when eating in a café make sure that the white person you are with has appropriate levels of shade. If the sun moves significantly during the course of your meal they will likely ask to leave. It is not a good idea to say, “If you like shade so much, there’s this entire place called ‘inside’ that has nothing but shade.” Later at night, you might notice steel obelisks that sort of look like little umbrellas; these are propane heaters. They allow white people to enjoy the temperature control of an indoor environment without the heating and energy efficiency traditionally associated with being inside. Again, it is not a good idea to question why white people do this.

  138 Books

  The role of books in white culture is perhaps as important as organic food—essential for survival. However, understand that this is not about literacy or reading, but about the physical object of a book.

  Try this out as an experiment. Show a white person a photo of a living room that features an entire w
all of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. They are guaranteed to respond by saying how much they would love that for their own home and that they are planning on having a living room just like that in the future.

  This is because white people need to show off the books that they have read. Just as hunters will mount the heads of their kills, white people need to let people know that they have made their way through hundreds or even thousands of books. After all, what’s the point of reading a book if people don’t know you’ve read it? It’s like a tree falling in the forest.

  As much as white people do not want you rifling through their medicine cabinet, they are desperate for you to examine their bookshelves. When scanning through the rows of books, the best things you can say are “You made it through Infinite Jest? Wow” or “I didn’t know you loved Joyce so much.” If your intentions are to grow your friendship either romantically or platonically, there is no better technique than to ask to borrow one of the books.

  This is because lending out books is the only practical reason for white people to hold on to their entire collection. So by asking to borrow a copy, you are justifying their decision to save the book, allowing them to both introduce you to a new author and assert their status as a well-read individual. It is the perfect move.

  But there are times when your visit to a white person’s house is not long enough for a full inspection of their bookshelves. How then can you gauge their taste? Simple, just look at the coffee table. You see, white people like to purchase very expensive, very large books that they can put on their coffee tables for other people to see and then use to make value judgments. If the coffee-table book is about art, then the white person wants you to ask them about their trip to the Tate Modern. If it’s about photography, they want you to ask them about their new camera. If it’s about football or bikinis, you should politely ask to leave.

  So now that you know white people like books, you might assume that a book is the perfect gift. Not so fast. There are a few possible outcomes from giving books, and few of them end well. If you get a white person a book that they already have, the situation will be uncomfortable. If you get them a book that they do not want, you will be forever viewed as someone with poor taste in literature. In the event that you get them a book that they want and do not have, they are forced to recognize that they have not read it, which instantly paints you as a threat. There is no way to win when you give a book to a white person.

  139 Music Festivals

  Imagine spending three days in a tent, but instead of being surrounded by nature you are surrounded by mud, oppressive heat, loudspeakers, and thousands of white people swaying with their eyes closed. Many people would call this “hell,” “a nightmare that won’t end,” or “some sort of sci-fi zombie scenario that is worse than anything we could ever imagine.” White people call this a “music festival” and will pay large amounts of money for the experience.

  These events play an important part in white culture, as they provide both an excuse for travel and an excuse for using outrageous amounts of recreational drugs. If a white person tells you that they are going to a music festival, push a little further into their plans and you will discover that they have spent weeks acquiring different drugs and doing Internet research to find out how to best combine them. They will also be happy to tell you their exact inventory: “We got four hits of Ecstasy, an ounce of ’shrooms, an ounce of weed, an eight ball of coke, ten hits of blotter acid, all sorts of pills, and some GHB to help come down. I think it should be enough.”

  These drugs are necessary because the sheer size of the festival means that the majority of people in attendance will be watching everything on large screens near the stage. So, to make that clear, white people are paying for the right to watch large televisions with other white people through obnoxiously loud speakers.

  Before you start talking to anyone about a music festival you have to understand that your choice of festival defines the type of white person that you are. Type A people who regularly attend festivals like Glastonbury or Roskilde are more into European music, which often means electronic. They will be bringing more Ecstasy to the show. Type B people attend Bonnaroo and are into jam bands and will likely have beards, sandals, and an abundance of psychedelic mushrooms and acid. Type C people prefer Coachella and are passionate about indie rock; they will likely be bringing antidepressants and water bottles to the event. It is acceptable to confuse types A and C but never confuse type B with type A or C. Everyone will be offended.

  Do not under any circumstances attend one of these festivals.

  140 Glasses

  As white people get older they attempt to construct their “look” much in the same way they construct a Mii avatar on the Nintendo Wii. Since many white people look alike, they are desperate to find ways to have a distinctive look. Some try complex facial hair or wild haircuts, but these require rather long-term commitments and are not always welcome at nonprofit organizations or film-festival offices. The easiest way for a white person to express their individuality and uniqueness is through their choice of glasses.

  Aren’t there white people who don’t wear glasses? You might have to double-check that they are the right kind of white people. Or it must just be a “contact day,” which white people are permitted to have from time to time.

  The right choice of eyewear can tell the world that you are well read (your eyes have deteriorated from too many late nights at the library), have good taste in music, and do not care that the world perceives you as a nerd. Because of this, white people need to find glasses that are rare and unique, but at the same time made of thick plastic frames in either black or brown. These strong frames force people to recognize that the white person is wearing glasses and to acknowledge their intelligence. Glasses that appear invisible, or at least are not prominent, are seen as inferior, since they do not demand recognition and often blend in with the face.

  Because of the relative difficulty in finding such a unique item, it is never a good idea to ask a white person where they got their glasses. This is because they are extremely fearful of other white people wearing the same kind. It’s hard to describe how much of a big deal this is. There used to be stories about how primitive tribes would not allow photographs, which they feared would steal their souls. Well, when another white person buys and wears your style of glasses, it’s sort of the same thing.

  If you are ever searching for a neutral compliment for a white person, it’s always a good idea to say, “I like your glasses.” This will make them feel great about themselves, but won’t make them feel as though you are hitting on them.

  141 McSweeney’s

  McSweeney’s is one of the most powerful forces in white culture. It is a literary magazine–publishing house that is so powerful that just knowing about it (not even reading it) is enough to gain the respect of white people.

  It was founded in 1998 by white-person hero Dave Eggers as a literary magazine that only published work that had been rejected by other publications. It became very popular very quickly and soon expanded into multiple magazines, DVD magazines, and a publishing division.

  There is a steady group of writers who regularly contribute to the magazine and eventually write books for the imprint. These writers form a very special crew, and are all very respected within the white community. Some are more successful than others, and they don’t let just anybody into the group. In fact, it’s sort of like the Wu-Tang Clan for white people.

  In the same way that Method Man or the RZA can act in movies and release solo albums without taking away from their affiliation with the group, many McSweeney’s writers are able to do solo projects away from the core group. This includes some who are regular contributors to NPR (Sarah Vowell) and The Daily Show (John Hodgman). Aside from Eggers, these are considered to be ultimate-level white people who set the standard for the rest of the community.

  There are a number of ways to use this information. First, being able to discuss something you read in M
cSweeney’s is considered highly desirable in both a friend and a mate. But there remains a move in white culture so unprecedented and powerful that only a few have dared attempt it. You see, McSweeney’s is a very expensive magazine and does not lend itself well to gift subscriptions. But if you can afford the expense, a gift subscription to McSweeney’s is a finishing move in your pursuit of white friendship. Even if it’s only for one year, you have bought yourself a year of favors, rides, and free dinners.

  142 Hardwood Floors

  When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.

  White people are petrified of germs, and when they look at a carpet all they can see is everything that has ever been spilled, tracked in, or shaken loose into the carpet fibers. But more disgusting to white people is that wall-to-wall carpeting reminds them of suburban homes, motel rooms, and the horrible apartments that they have visited or lived in over the years. It has no soul. Only germs.

  Hardwood floors, on the other hand, are easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place, since they are often the original flooring in older buildings. It is a well-known white fantasy to purchase a home or apartment that has disgusting carpet and then to pull it up to reveal a beautiful hardwood floor underneath. If you can tell a similar story to white people it will give them hope that they can one day find a run-down home and turn it into a modern masterpiece of interior design. This is highly recommended.

 

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